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 heterotic
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 2
I think I get it.Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
People do not take the time to wait until both parties get mature enough to know what they value and where they are going.

The rate of divorce drops drastically for those who wait to get married until they are 25 and older.
 wileygy
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 3
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I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 8:33:59 AM
yes and no.you are right in theory.however,there are times when something is simply broke and can't be fixed.there are too many variables to include.changing times and changing environments.....
one of the biggest factors of 'disposable' relationships is the socioeconomic environment;
1.women are more independent financially.
2.it is more acceptable to NOT accept things which are unacceptable.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 4
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I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 8:45:36 AM
I don't agree with your premise because I think there are just as many people that hang onto and remain in dysfunctional, sometimes abusive relationships, when they shouldn't either because they are trying to live up to their vows, don't want to fail or are afraid of being alone.

I have had people call me specifically because they knew what I was going to say. When it is petty b.s. and the relationship is pretty good I remind them that it is petty b.s. and if they think there is something better out there, rather than really believing the relationship is hopeless, that is not the time to give up.

Others have asked me what to do when they needed to leave but I also know that the latter in particular is information that will be heard only when they are ready to hear it.

If people really want to make a difference with society and the propensity for so many breakups talk to your kids, talk to other people's kids to make sure they are really thinkng beyond their genitals and making good choices. To make them aware that they should be a healthy, adjusted person with goals and the ability to take care of themselves before they try joining with someone else.

We aren't a disposable society, we are lazy. And some of us choose to do stupid things. I don't advocate staying in harmful relationships just as I would not advocate jumping ship from something that could be good with a little work. Life is balance, most people prefer to be on one side of the teetter totter rather than in the middle where they don't "need" someone else to stay afloat but would prefer to do their thing with someone else.

And here's the thing, sometimes you DO know that you should throw in the towel. A couple of years ago I was in a relationship. Everything was great, we seemed on the same page with the future, conversation flowed, we laughed a lot, and one of the things I liked most about him was he seemed to like me just the way I was, I could be myself. By the three month mark, I sat there one day and said hell no. He proved to have issues with jealousy and I wound up having to be uber careful of everything I said so it could not be twisted some other way and it was still twisted some other way. As he didn't admit to himself that he had insecurities that made him jealous, I wasn't hanging around to see if he fixed himself.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 5
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I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 8:55:03 AM
What do you expect? We're living in America, the "consume/discard" capitol of the world. So why would people be any different than "things" we buy, consume and then discard? Advertisers have educated us well. We can always choose NOT to buy what they're selling, of course...

This "consume/discard" mentality tends to lead to unhappiness, because, in the pursuit of "more", we're never satisfied and appreciative of what we've got.

I agree, it sucks.

I'm trying to follow a deeper spiritual path...God knows I've cut way back on "stuff" I buy...but haven't really met any woman who makes me want to settle down and commit to her and only her. Gotta keep talking to them...
 LaughterReigns
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 6
I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 9:07:02 AM
I gave up on my last relationship because he not only cheated on me, but got a girl pregnant. Dumb azz me was willing to work through that, but whenever I wanted to discuss it, I was told "deal with it on your own, it's your problem" he refused to discuss it, would get angry, and then we would argue. So, after one too many arguments about it - because he wouldn't help me through the forgiveness process - I gave up completely. I decided that any man who was so selfish and ignorant that he couldn't help the person cope with HIS huge fvck up when she was willing to do so, isn't worth my time. End of that story.
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 9
I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 10:00:53 AM
i agree that in many cases it's because we've become accustomed to disposable everything and the 'fast food' mentality - if it's broken; chuck it... if it's too much work/takes too long to feel good; don't bother

however, some people who recommend the ending of a relationship in the early stages might recognize that the relationship (in their eyes) is headed the way of abuse/other unhealthy foundational problems... which would be better to get out of early, rather than wait and perhaps produce children into the mix...

also, if people have devoted years into a bad relationship in an effort to try to make things work, only to have it still fail, they might well be less inclined to encourage others to 'waste' their time

i know personally, because of my past experience with a bad 16 year marriage, i would leave a bad relationship much more readily than before - certain aspects, like control etc. i just wouldn't put up with and would not advise others to put up with either
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 10
I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 10:03:16 AM
Internet dating has made it too easy for those that want to "play" outside of their relationships/marriages. However, if they are dabbling outside of their relationships then it is safe to say that with or without the Internet they'd be cheating on their respective partners.

On the flip side, it has afforded us single folks the ability to network, and meet people we wouldn't normally come across in our immediate circles/world.

I don't have the "give up" mentality. I am a go-getter/fighter for things I feel strongly about, and feel worth "fighting" for. However, if I am not being met half way, I can't/won't force it.
 readyornot57
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 12
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I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 10:42:39 AM
Desert Wildflower, it is not always the man who causes the conflict that needs to be
"worked on."
That said, I think that lots of people don't think that working on it is worth it.
The prize just isn't that great in the best of times. That is sad.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 13
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I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 10:52:43 AM
OP, if I'm mistaken I apologize but weren't you in a relationship last week ergo you have just experienced a break-up?

I don't think you can blame society and the Internet, if you think your lady walked when there was something that could have been worked out, recognize that she has character flaws that in the long run you are better without. Perhaps it was not the relationship that was the problem but your picker?

Rockman makes a good point, there were numerous times in my last bona fide relationship that I saw similarities between other people's issues and my own but at least I was aware that I was not ready to take my own good advice.

He was also dead on about the people most knowledgeable about relationships but it is kind of like college, you learn from books but the ability to apply that knowledge in real situations, not so much.

If relationships end there is usually a good reason and the main one is the person was just not the right person for you.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 14
I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 11:01:13 AM
I will be generalizing somewhat, but that wouldn't be a first here in the forums now would it?

I'm shocked! In these forums? Say it ain't so.

Judging from how people respond to others questions about "what to do" when in a relationship crisis, I would say that people say GET OUT/MOVE ON/END IT/RUN... more often than not.

I'd have to disagree in part based on the number of people who write things like, ``My wife/husband is spending the night out twice a week with different neighbors and swears she/he isn't cheating on me. Should I refuse to keep buying new underwear for her/him until I know what happened to the last batch I purchased?'' They seem to be working pretty hard, even if it's not because they are just a little slow. On the other hand, there are many here who like the neighbors in the example above, are quite willing to work at the new relationship they've found with that honest, down to earth, self-confident individual who doesn't play games, just as soon as the divorce petition is filed in a year or two.

This also makes me think that people just don't have the "work ethic" needed to make a relationship work.

Considering how important employment status appears to be to demonstrate a strong work ethic, I must admit that I'm dubious regarding that lack of work ethic being a factor.

I hope I am wrong and I hope you tell me just how wrong I am.

I think it's pretty obvious that everyone recognizes a person who commits to relationships. Just take a look at how an individual who commits to a relationship is suddenly deluged with offers from others to whom she/he must also commit.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 15
I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 11:17:03 AM
I half agree. I think that people are more aware now that it's better to recognize a mismatch and nip it early than hang in there a couple years when it's not going to get any better for either party. Especially as we get older - we know that if it's all work and no play it may be better to be single.

Sure, some get a bit over excited about exercising their right to stop and walk now that it's more of an option than in past years, but I still think when two people who click well and are a match get together they tend to want things to work and will work with it.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 16
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I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 11:21:15 AM

The answer is pretty obvious, or most of us wouldn't be on these dating sites. There comming from people who have had at least one failed relationship, and I'd venture to say most posters have had a helleva lot more than one failed relationship.

Sometimes we learn as much or more from the failures as the successes, making that advice no more relevant or not than any other. I saw a counselor a couple of years ago. He was married to a therapist and they had one child. When I told a friend some of the advice I was given he said they should turn back the clock, have five more kids so that the ratio of one parent to three children was there, and then tell me what to do, gotta love your friends.

As Rick said, you DO need to consider the souce and some advice is good, some bad. Some great advice will come from someone whose own life is a mess because they know what to do, just not how to do it. If you take what they say and learn to apply it, isn't it good advice?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 17
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I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 12:18:33 PM
Psst, as she so often does, makes some good points and one of them is the instant relationship. Even back in the day when I was in high school, people were getting away from dating and if they liked each other pretty much from the get go they were an item. Once you become an item, I think you believe that there is a necessity to 'make things work.' One of my friends had a boyfriend pretty much the entire way through high school, some she was with a long time, some a couple of weeks or a month. I don't think the whole making it work thing was present at that time like it is today.

Kids now-a-days don't date, and from what I see, many adults don't either because they have some notion that it is somehow nobler to 'concentrate on one person' when they have no clue whether they are remotely compatible, etc. rather than dating those that might be interested to figure out if any of them are worth pursuing something more permanent. The last guy I had a relationship with I met when I was dating and his attitude was if there was something there, it would develop and the other guys would go away, which is pretty much what happened, as Psst noted, somewhat naturally.

And I agree with Psst on the different advice depending on the relationship. When it starts out as work when everything should still be hunkey dorey, the relationship generally has nowhere to go but down.

Maybe a big part of the problem is getting into relationships so quickly you don't realize that the person is totally wrong for you.
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 18
I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 12:36:50 PM
The root of all of it is simple : Greed, Envy and Vanity in their many expression and level;
the person “I want”; "I" "believe" that “I” "need".

- People are so self centered that they refuse to work on themselves and prefer to change others.
- Believe that everyone else have a problem or are the problem and they don't.
- Believe that they have only rights and no obligations
- Believe when comparing themselves to frogs that they are as big and strong as Bulls..not seeing that they are only are frogs themselves.
- Wants instant gratifications and perfect results without any efforts from them
- Lazy, they refuse to work on their problems as they can simply “kleenex” their relationship
- Cowards as they prefer to run away then stay and fight.
- Fear on the other end of the spectrum, to stay in a dead relationship out of fear of the unknown or been alone.
- Always believe that the grass is greener elsewhere….and want it.
- Do not take the proper steps and speed building a solid foundation and are surprised that their house fall apart later on.
- Why talk when we can F@ck solution.
- Will look on material assets before the value of the person, will dump a good person to the profit of material gain or the prevention of lost of material possession.
- Want the milk and the cream without buying the cow or even feed or clean after her.
- Complete lack of self worth or identity.
- Confuse personal strength with attitude.
- Placebo effect.
- Trying or doing things without even considering the repercussions of their actions
- Be offended that there is even a reaction to their actions (or inactions)
- Their wants takes priority over absolutely everything else.
- Believe that fake can be real.
- Lots of them had is so easy that they do not even know what working for something or the true worth of things truly is.
- Lots of them had it so bad, that they return to the same pattern over and over, not knowing what normality is, and some of them even blame the others for it when in fact they are the one making the selection.
- Fear to feel insufficient in front of something worthy, so go lower then them, or do nothing.
- Think they are worth so much, that they try to obtain things that are not of their level, discarding everything else. do nothing to improve themselves.

I can go on for ever with this one!

The good old:
" I do not know what it is exactly, the use of it nor the price...but I want it! I don't know why or how and do not care to know, I just want it!"

 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 19
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I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 1:18:15 PM

Judging from how people respond to others questions about "what to do" when in a relationship crisis, I would say that people say GET OUT/MOVE ON/END IT/RUN... more often than not.

it's the dramatic questions we remember best, though, and those are often the ones where cut and run is the best answer. you know: 'he moved in and has no job and drinks all day and watches porn in front of my kids and i'm spending their college fund on rent because he broke both my arms and i can't work. what should i do?'

the folks with relationship tools are out there using them, not beseeching strangers for help. so the forums don't represent the relationships where problems are being worked out.

kinda like what gonesailing is saying ...

This is a bowl of Fruit Loops and to conclude how or why society is experiencing broken relationships based upon conclusions you forumlated watching the popcorn pop online is whack.

no wonder i come on here looking for a dish and all i get are the flakes and crumbs
 Glenoran1
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 20
I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 1:30:26 PM
Many good points have been brought up in this Thread, but one that I'd like to add is that sometimes two good people simply bring out the worst in each other, rather than the best. Each relationship (be it filial, parent/offspring, significant other, at-work relationships, etc.) brings out a different set of your personality characteristics. If you don't like what you are like when you're with your significant other, and/or vice versa, it's not a good match, and won't get any better over time.
 Monkey_brains
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 21
I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 4:38:31 PM
Nah...if you really wanna 'get it'....start hangin' in the Sex and Dating threads.....

My dear OP: Listen to your pal The Rockman, he sounds like a smartypants to me and I think he hit the nail on the head with this comment:

It's everyone else's relationships that are disposable and never the person posting the advice
 TheReason_
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 23
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I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 5:35:59 PM
Unfortunately, these days a tattoo is more of a commitment than a marriage.


 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 27
I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 6:45:15 PM
Internet dating has made it easier for someone to cheat. People on here can hide their real status behind the cloak of a computer.

I think alot of it has to do with alcohol/drug use.

I would not be single today if it was not for someone who was unable to hold a job and drinks constantly. I divorced because of the drinking mainly. Why do we want to pay for some attorney's BMW?
 TheReason_
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 28
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I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 7:06:02 PM
I can only speak for myself.

I do not take commitments lightly. I do not offer it lightly, but once I commit to

someone there is no thought of ever running, turning away from the one I have

formed the commitment with --period.


I believe it is very important to establish good communication from the get-go, and,

together build strong foundational tools that allow you to communicate well and to

have no doubt where the other ones stands at all times. I would even say that a

couple needs to have discussions about core issues such as sex, finances, decisions

involving children, etc., etc., and then honor those decisions thru agreements that

effectively allow you both to know how the basic flow and function of the relationship

will be conducted and "free up" any future issues regarding those topics. That gets the

large issues out of the way, so to speak, and allows the relationahip to fluorish.

Having said that, we have to be honest about who we choose to build a future/

commmiment with and make sure that we click well intellectually, physically,

emotionally, etc. to ensure that it works on all levels.

I would hope that when a relationship "crisis" occurs, that we will have built a close

relationship and honor the commitment by turning toward each other--never away

from one another, and work through the issue together.


Not to be a d!ck, but with all this great communication stuff, why are you divorced?
 StatlerandWaldorf
Joined: 6/1/2009
Msg: 31
I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 7:47:38 PM
Heh, everyone likes to quote this bit:

people say GET OUT/MOVE ON/END IT/RUN... more often than not.


I don't have any theories on why relationships are failing. Well I do, but they've already been mentioned or else are kind of half-baked. But...does 'end' always = 'fail'?

As for why people are getting the above quoted response on these discussion forums, well I think it has to do with the medium. Someone comes on here to tell us about their relationship problem and mostly all we get is a brief outline of the problem, with maybe a few basic facts of their history. And not all of us are good writers. So we have to base our advice on what we've been told in black and white of this problem, with no idea of what happy shared memories, successes, positive feelings, years of emotional entaglement there might be to counterbalance the decision to walk away.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 32
I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 7:54:37 PM
Good topic....

Well here’s what I think, relationships fail when people enter them for the wrong reasons, most enter with an eye towards “what can I get out of it” rather than “what can I put into it” . It’s very romantic to say you were “nothing” before this person came along, but it’s not true. Worse, it puts an incredible amount of pressure on the other to be all sorts of things he or she is not.
 boinkboinkboink
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 33
I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 7:55:19 PM
OP, I think the mind is a very powerful and sometimes dangerous tool. It, much more than the the internet, is the real problem.

Last week I almost destroyed my current relationship because I allowed my own thoughts to get entirely out of hand. I then posted on the forum, looking for advice, and read responses to my thread which reinforced my own bad thoughts. Often, I think, people have a bad tendancy to shoot themselves in the feet. From there, their relationship self-distructs.

Calm down. Be patient. Give you partner as much consideration as is humanly reasonable. If after doing this it still isn't working, accept that you are with the wrong person and move on.

Patience is so incredible important. In many cases this is missing in relationships. Of course, some peeople no longer deserve their partner's patience.
 HVACtech
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 34
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I think I get it.
Posted: 7/25/2009 9:58:24 PM
commonsens (#30) and Key Player (#54) summed it up excellently, especially the part about instant gratification expectations. To a degree, this is even present in no-fault divorce laws where the only grounds for dissolution of marriage that the court recognizes is, "The marriage is irretrievably broken." No further explanation accepted. Basically just "it ain't working" so let's hurry up and conclude this case. At least that's how it is in Wisconsin -- don't know about your area.

I also agree with barbee1970 (#47) that alcohol- (&/or drug-) dependency plays a role ... a fact that a lot of people prefer to deny.
 Monkey_brains
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 39
I think I get it.
Posted: 7/26/2009 9:10:24 AM
I just read a few other threads in the relationship topic... holy crap are we ever nasty at times. So much "us" against "them"....


I agree...seems to be a highly combative and hostile tone in many of the threads....might want to put on army fatigues before entry...camouflage even.....yikes!

I tend to skip over the obtuse amount of antipathy offered and gravitate to the good stuff...there is much wisdom and insight in between the spoiled apples...head towards the big shiny red one and take a big bite...:)
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