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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?      Home login  
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 damassteel
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 16
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What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Aways protect your children. That's my rule. If there is any kind of physical abuse one must act swiftly to bring in the law. Ignore all accusations of meddling and do what needs to be done. You can talk about it later.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 18
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 7:16:21 AM
I do not understand why violent offenders are EVER let out of jail. They should lock them up and throw away the key. Restraining orders haven't stopped them in the in past. Buying a gun for protection and practicing, knowing how to use it will give you and your daughter at least the choice to protect yourselves.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 19
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What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 7:32:04 AM
My heart goes for you, your user name is familiar so I check your profile ,now I remember your lovely pic standing near a tree, sorry of what happened to you. But thank God you are alive !!! You are a brave woman and a good mother, thank you for sharing this to us....I hope things will get better for you and your daughter soon.
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 27
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 9:10:23 AM
OP: Sorry to read about this, and a very smart idea to put an order of protection in place. Have you daughter walk with a MACE SPRAY and/or a WHISTLE for her protection, and make sure she is always AWARE of her surroundings!!!

I would have reacted the same way if I had a daughter! Abusive behaviors of ANY KIND should not be tolerated! Thank God I have never experienced this.


On a side note: Why did you post the picture of yourself (battered) on your profile? May scare your potential suitors away, OP!!

All the best to you/yours!

 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 34
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 10:44:29 AM
speciallady28: I have this picture because I chose to show what happens to women and the seriousness of the situation. I am not here to date right now. My focus is on letting as many people know about abuse. If you two don't like it you must be abusers yourself.


Wazhiz: I have to agree with your post. I find it disturbing (to say the least) that someone would post pictures of themselves battered on a dating site (Hence, why I asked the OP on my original response). However, according to Special Lady she is not here to date, but to make everyone aware of abuse.

I believe there are platforms/groups where one can partake in these types of discussions, support groups, etc....but not on a dating site.........But WTF do I know?!

 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 38
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 11:14:33 AM
OP - I am sorry for you and your daughter - your injuries are shocking, but most of the time abusive relationships happen over time and the abuser has control or power over the person they abuse. Why was your daughter dating this man? How long has he been in her life? Weren't there red flags about him from the get-go, or was he initially prince charming? With you having already had experience with abuse in the past it seems you would have recognized the signs in the first place and could have warned her. If she did not listen to you, how did you think stepping into an already volatile situation would help? It's really too bad that so many young girls do not have the protection of a caring father in their lives so the boys they date would be accountable to someone besides an angry mom who can't even defend their own self.
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 39
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 11:18:23 AM
HoneyAngel: I fail to see where anyone on this thread has "condemned" those of you that unfortunately had to endure abuse. We are merely stating our POVs on whether this is the appropriate platform to post such pictures and topics.

No one is saying "you did a damn thing wrong" much less turning our heads to these dreadful incidents. I'm sure everyone at some point in their lives has had someone close to them that may have been abused in some shape or form.

Best,

 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 41
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What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 11:21:37 AM
OP, I am very sorry for the traumatic experience you have recently been through. But that being said, I have to agree that a dating site is not the proper forum for this. In my opinion you've circumvented the purpose of this forum by feigning to ask a question (who in their right mind wouldn't protect their daughter, with every last ounce of their strength, from an abusive BF?), and then condemning anyone who disagrees with you for putting this thread out there and posting pictures of yourself shortly after you were released from the hospital.


I see some want to delete my forum thread. Must be abusers who don't want women to see or hear what happens to victums of abuse.

I have this picture because I chose to show what happens to women and the seriousness of the situation. I am not here to date right now. My focus is on letting as many people know about abuse. If you two don't like it you must be abusers yourself.


Disagreeing with you about the inappropriateness of posting this thread or the pictures you put up is not the moral equivalency of the animal who attacked you and your daughter. Yes, you and your daughter were the victims of something horrible, and I hope the law throws this no good SOB in jail for a long, long time. I've seen abuse impact the lives of women and families before, and once got in the middle of such an incident myself, so I'm aware of the damage it can do. I am terribly sorry for your ordeal and I hope you continue with counseling, enough to see clearly again what is appropriate or not, and that just because you were a victim of a crime doesn't mean you are an eternal victim, or that disagreeing with you doesn't make someone abusive.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 43
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 11:54:27 AM
Actually it's too bad there is not someplace online where someone can put up pictures of the abuser and pictures of what they have done - so many times it seems the identity of scumbags gets protected and they can find other victims. They do it with sex offenders and they're not always even specific what the guy did. Why don't they do the same with violent offenders so people can stay clear of them? A woman (or a man) should be able to look up for FREE and see if the person that wants to date them has a violent history with their picture. Actually I'd like to see them just shipped off to another planet.
 Blakkardaberry
Joined: 2/7/2009
Msg: 46
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What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 12:00:18 PM
Well lets see can't say exactly but it would involve a wood chipper night vision goggles a nice rifle with a scope and some pigs on a farm. Use your own imagination. I am more of the kind of guy in the country song Cleaning this here gun.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjO9kX4npVY
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 47
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What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 12:06:23 PM
You know OP, while I think most moms would have done the same thing, the beating you took will probably save your daughter's life. She may have tolerated what he did to her, but most women will finally make the right decision when the guy starts hurting the kids or others in their lives.

I had a friend who was married to an abuser and I lost touch with her so I have no idea whether she ever left. The reason that she was afraid to was because he had threatened to kill her parents and her sister, and he probably would have done it.

OP, if there is any way to relocate, don't know how big your city is or if it is possible for you to actually move far away but if you can, a fresh start might be good for everybody and would certainly offer you more security than the order of protection.

My ex's ex stalked us for about the first year we were together. She had about 5-6 inches and at least 50 pounds on me so I bought a shotgun because I figured if I accidentally hit a critical body part I could live with myself and I got a huge German Shepherd. Things to think about if you haven't already. Also, if you and your daughter haven't taken a self-defense course, I suggest that you do. Karate, even kick-boxing at the gym would also be beneficial. Most karate prorgrams introduce very elemental self-defense moves in the first few lessons.

Do some googling on self-defense too, a lot of keeping yourself safe is trying to make sure you are not in vulnerable situations. Don't come home to a dark house, don't come home alone. If you or your daugther are home and the other is arriving, call on the cell so if he's hiding out, you don't get ambushed. Vary the way you drive home, where you shop. There is a fine line between keeping an eye out and being paranoid and looking over your shoulder constantly, hard to do but try to just do the former.


there comes a point when we all must talk to our children about how it is acceptable for them to be treated and what it looks like to be abused - and that if someone is treating you badly its ok to talk about it. often children of so called "good families" are afraid to say whats happening because of embaressment or fear of how their family will react.

A very good point. It amazes me the stories my daughter tells me about what young girls put up with because it is sooo important for them to have a boyfriend. Many are verbally and emotionally abusive, some phsyically abusive, cheating, blah, blah, it is sickening and she and I both wonder if these kids parents ever talk to them about anything.

With the stellar example from their dad, this is a convo I have had with all the kids, my daughter about setting boundaries and with the boys the way to treat someone they purport to care about and for all of them, to accept nothing less than what they want and what they know I would want for them. They seem to be keeping reasonable standards for themselves and my daughter realized that with her first boyfriend, she didn't really speak up about some things that bothered her because she wanted to avoid fighting. Valuable lesson learned early without trauma, whoohoo.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 55
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What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 4:02:10 PM

I'm posting a website for you to check out, I may get booted for this, but it is worth it if it keeps you from being harmed by this person www.firstgov.gov It is a website from the Federal government and has endless websites of help for battered women. I would also suggest you learning a martial art called DIM MAK. It is the 'DEATH BLOW' martial art and teaches you how to kill with one blow. You can find books on Dim mak at paladin press.

Cyrus, she was responding to this post which does go against the teaching of all martial arts I have encountered. It is my understanding that they are all defensively based and that an individual is to use the minimal amount of force necessary to subdue or disable an attacker. I am certain there could be a time when lethal force might be necessary but the death blow isn't something one would be whipping out of one's bag of tricks very often.
 readyornot57
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 64
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What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 6:27:24 PM

If I had a daughter and she was being abused by a guy? No problemo. I'd have a "talk" with the guy. If he ever laid a finger on her again...he would be very sorry.


Sorry, Wyatt, but I would skip that whole scenario and insist to my DAUGHTER that she leave. I don't feel like giving him another chance. I would not be interested in him at all, and that would include if he was the father of my grandchildren. In fact, more so if there were grandchildren.

One man said he is taking martial arts training because he gets into fights in the neighborhood. WHY NOT MOVE OUT OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD? I am not trying to be funny, I am serious......that is as bad as a woman staying with an abuser. It is obvious that the neighborhood sucks, leave it!

And to the fathers saying they would kill the guy, great, by the time you get sentenced, your daughter will be shacking up with yet another abuser.
Get your daughter out and get her help!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 jonjon87
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 66
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What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/4/2009 8:03:52 PM
I think I speak for all guys that I would probably do something really bad.
But would of course try to resolve the issue as much as possible. A father could loss it very easily when finding something like that out. I lie, i would beat the shit out of him :)
 WalkingInLondon
Joined: 2/21/2005
Msg: 73
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/5/2009 2:31:59 AM
SpecialLady28,
You did the right thing. An order of protection is just a piece of paper, though, and will only help prosecute him after he harms one or both of you again. Go get a nice handgun, I suggest a Glock 19, they are lightweight, never misfire, easy to carry in a purse, you go learn to shoot it at a gunrange (they have classes everywhere) get a concealed carry permit, and never leave it off of your person. You have to protect yourself first and foremost, and in this country we have the legal right to bear arms.

A little bit of paranoia will go a long way in your situation. You have a serious situation on your hands. Be prepared. This nutjob could harm you or your daughter at any time, and it is up to you both to make sure he doesn't do it.

Don't get one of those little lady guns. Get a Glock 19, they have a good amount of firepower, and are easy to handle, and you can rip off enough rounds to easily take him down, and that's what you want to do if your life is in danger.
Beth
 FastReb
Joined: 1/3/2009
Msg: 83
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What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/5/2009 9:28:53 PM
My family had an abuser, like your daughter's boyfriend, in it one time. My great-aunt's brothers found out it was happening. They invited the great-uncle to go fishing at a secluded lake with them. After they had a discussion with the great-uncle, it was explained to him that if there was ever a need for a discussion again, he would just disappear in those great big stretches of forest in the state. After that little discussion, AND he recovered from his injuries, he never even raised his voice to her, much less his hand, until he died decades later.

Now some will till you this action, on the part of the brothers, was wrong. They will most likely tell you that the police should have been called. They might even tell you how the police are much more responsive and the justice system is much more harsh on this type of offender in today's times than they were back then. What they mostly likely won't tell you, though, is that a leopard doesn't change its spots. An abuser will keep committing the abuse until it is in their best interest to stop.

For me, I've always believed that every action has and deserves a really good reaction, especially in a case like this. At this time, I'd like to suggest a little investment in a company called Hillerich & Bradsby, makers of the world-famous "Louisville Slugger."
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 92
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/17/2009 10:43:49 AM
...I have my ways and means. It wouldn't be my daughter wondering constantly when he might be showing up to make her life a living hell...it would be him wondering over and over when the next bout of payback abuse would be coming, even if there was only the one "warning".
 big pacific
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 93
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What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/17/2009 10:45:48 AM
prolly 5-10 years with a sympathetic jury.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 97
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/17/2009 7:45:43 PM
OP - there are two ways to handle a situation, the intellectual way and the emotional way. When it comes to children, we can be like the mother bear protecting her cubs. At least I know, I am that way with my children or anyone in my close circle of friends. The intellectual way would have been to either get her away from him before the next time the abuse happened. This way, a proper plan for exiting and ending the situation could be initialized. However, in an emergency, what we do and what is right are sometimes two different things. I would have dealt with the emergency situation with the police in attendance, to avoid injury to myself and further injury to my daughter.

I would have acted the first time I heard from my daughter that this man was abusive. You are correct, an abuser will not change on their own, they only get worse. The signs are slight, like the first time he slapped her, or gave her a black eye or bruise from being manhandled. However the situation does intensify and become worse.

As mothers, we need to have these talks with our daughters about abusive partners, what is acceptable and what is not. In addition we need to let them know that regardless of what the abuser says, its not the victims fault. The power an abuser has over someone, is the way they wear down the persons self-esteem. As parents and friends we should be watchful of the changes in bahavior of our daughters, as the signs are there.

I am sorry to hear that you and your daughter were beaten by this man. Its great that he did time for it. Now about protecting yourselves when he gets out.........the best way is tell people about it. Make sure all your neighbours and friends know what this guy looks like, the car he drives, and know what they should do if he violates the protection order. In addition, you should notify your local police department and make them aware of who he is, the protection order, and what he drives, so they too can keep an eye out if he should violate the protection order. It may sound over the top, but its better to be safe than planning a funeral. Who knows this man, may be carrying a grudge.

My prayers are with you and your daughters, for your safety. We should not be living in fear for our safety.
 raxarsr
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 100
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What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/18/2009 12:46:58 PM
my daughter had a boyfriend that slapped her....he made a mistake of doing it in front of my oldest son.....i doubt very much that young man will ever hit another woman.
his parents tried to start trouble for my son......but the local cops said they couldnt press charged on an older brother defending his sister.

the kids lucky i wasnt there...i woulda broke him in half
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 101
What would you do if your daughter was being abused by her boyfriend?
Posted: 8/18/2009 2:07:57 PM
If someday i had a daughter, she will be like me: I pity the poor b!stard as she will reorganize him inside-out.
But anyway, since the guy will have known me or about me at the beginning of my daughter relationship, he will not risk it, as he well darn know that I will serve him his own test!cules tartar to begin with, if he abuse my daughter.
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