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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > "my kids don't need a father, they already have one"      Home login  
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 markdafedman
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 1
"my kids don't need a father, they already have one"Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I have come to believe that the subject line is required to be inserted in all profiles submitted by single mothers. Yes, I am painting with a broad brush, here.

Apologies to those who omitted this obvious fact from their profiles.

Yes, lady, we all know your kids have a "father", or just a sperm donor. However, I don't think 'father' and 'sperm donor' fit in the same category. You may well be divorced and have a successful life with the kids. Good for you. But I submit to you that there are two hidden meanings behind "my kids don't need a father, they already have one" :

1) You got divorced from the guy (or he divorced you) for a reason. Resentment and pride are keeping you from admitting that your children could use a male role model in the home.

2) You dont want to be labelled as being desperate or "husband shopping". God forbid we put down what we want and be truly honest with each other.

Let's examine Point # 1. Somehow, Mom's pride carries more weight than the emotional growth of the kids. Why else do we have a world full of "momma's boys" ? How did we end up with kids who can't hold a job, who think that "gamer" is actually a profession? Mom's pride and guilt say to her "give them anything they want, never make them accountable and always be their friend". I have new for you, ladies...IT DONT WORK! You can be their friend when they are 30. They desperately need a parent (or two) to guide them and get them ready for adulthood.

Point #2- You are tired of hearing men complain about women who just want someone to support them. But, in reality, this works best...or it did until society decided that women should go out and earn an equal living to men. This is fine, and I am onboard with this idea once the kids are well into their teens. The result of this femininism is that we have kids being raised by day care centers, mothers who are too busy to be bothered with their own children, and families who can't stop being entertained long enough to take a deep breath and look around. As you carry this idea further, the courts have gotten onto the bandwagon and believe that once divorce proceedings are underway, men should support these greedy women, regardless of who files for divorce, who earned more, and who is the better parent. Divorce courts now are sending the message "if she doesn't work, and you get divorced, she will get you for child support, maintenance, and the house. Once stung by this type of action, very few men will agree to having a "stay at home mom" as a wife. I know I won't, but I am past the age of having children to care for. Why does divorce only punish the man? Women seem to walk away with much better lives and more assets.

I have gone off on a tangent, but I believe all the above is intertwined to create our current set of problems.

Let the anger and flaming begin!

P.S. Lest you think I am inexperienced- I was a single parent twice, raised three children, lost one at age 9 to a careless surgeon, and been married twice.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 2
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my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 8/10/2009 4:35:59 AM
"I have gone off on a tangent"

Yes you did. One that does not understand the changes of the last 10-15 years. Single fathers are out there in big numbers now, there are about 2,500,000 of us in the USA and we are the fastest growing group. This is a good thing, that things are becoming more equal, but there is still a long ways to go. Equality in awarding custody has lots to do with equality in the work force and women being able to work and or men being the primary care givers. It is all linked. The idea that things were better 40-50 years ago might hold true for some, but when you think about what things were realy like 40-50 years ago I think things are much better now.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 3
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 8/10/2009 5:40:17 AM

I think theres a 3rd point....some women want to prove a point, which is not always needed.
I think some women with children are worried that men will be put off by them being a single parent. They think, and sometimes rightly, but sometimes not, that a man will be worried about getting with her, so she uses that line in order to reassure the man that her children arent needing a man to replace their father.

Exactly. This is what it has been with friends of mine and people I've talked to - women are worried men will see her as someone trying to find a father rather than a date.

It's the same as the "I don't need a man" misunderstanding. It's a disclaimer based on a lot of feedback women hear from men. A way to avoid someone thinking things are different than they are.
 tass08
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 4
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 8/10/2009 5:54:34 AM

I am onboard with this idea once the kids are well into their teens.
Although this wasn't the focus of your misogynistic diatribe, I think you're wrong about the timing here. For teens the hours from 3-6 pm are when they're most likely to get into mischief or be exposed to danger. A parent should be home and involved during those hours if at all possible.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 5
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 8/10/2009 6:04:08 AM

Why is it so difficult for you to understand that being a "male role model" is not what most men want in life? We want to be FATHERS. With all the rights and responsibilities.

I always thought there were men who didn't want any part of responsibility for their own children, nevermind someone else's. However for men who want to be fathers, why not have your own children or focus on your own if you have them? Makes more sense.
 tass08
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 6
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 8/10/2009 6:06:34 AM
Ease up MePlusTwo, he didn't write the post about you and your ex and your profile. One post regurgitating your personal successful divorce story is enough, two if you really need to clarify, and three ... well if you get to your third post in a thread and you start using all caps, it's time to switch to decaf.
 markdafedman
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 7
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 8/10/2009 6:24:10 AM
HAHA,

I love to stir the pot.
 markdafedman
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 8
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 8/10/2009 6:30:54 AM

When I encounter that line in a profile it is both a positive and a negative. Positive in the sense that, if her children have a healthy, ongoing relationship with their dad, they are more likely to be emotionally healthy children than if their father had disappeared and has little contact with them.

Negative in the sense that she is telling men, upfront, that she doesn't want him to have an active role as a parental figure, should they form a relationship. "Step father" implies a parental authority and influence, and that line tells a man that she doesn't envision him in that role.

So, what it tells me, on a visceral level, is that she isn't looking for a "live together" or "marriage" type of relationship in the future. She just wants to date.

That's neither good nor bad. It is what it is, depending on what sort of relationship the man is seeking. I'm "ok" with having the ultimate goal be a committed relationship that doesn't involve cohabitation. In fact, that might be best in a relationship, where a woman still has children living in the home, and doesn't want her boyfriend to have any authority in her children's lives.


RenaissanceMan: I agree with your points. The problem I have encountered, is that they dont want the boyfriend to have any authority until Single Mom gets overwhelmed, then she tends to dump it all in his lap. Then, once said boyfriend starts to demand accountability (something single mom's evidently cannot do) his authority is removed. Back and forth it goes, like a seesaw. In the end, I wouldn't settle for less than marriage and 100% equality. Step- parenting is the toughest thing you will ever do. Been there, done that, got the T- shirt....
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 9
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 8/10/2009 6:41:19 AM

Those guys normally don't marry single moms. However, for those guys who DO want the responsibility, it's stupid to accept this "male role model" situation. What guy would want to be an outsider in his own home and family?

Assuming the woman even wants marriage or a live in situation, and I know a lot of single moms who don't because of their kid's emotional well being, what prevents both parents and SOs from discussing things together regarding the kids?

Of course it has. And that's why they normally skip profiles with "don't need a father, etc.". And that's why so many single moms make up convoluted, brainy explanations about why these men should be happy to be second-class citizens in their own homes.

So men assume that women they are browsing profiles of they will marry and move in with? Perhaps the disclaimer is to clarify that a woman's not looking for that primarily, or won't be until their kids are older or have moved out.

See with me and single fathers, I don't want to be a mother - if they already have one (and she's not getting in my personal business) then all the better. Since most fathers don't have their kids full time it's easier to date since he's only got them on weekends and maybe one day a week and I can go off and do my own thing during those times.

Most full time dads are because the mother's not in the picture at all - so even that's not so bad if you don't count the months you want to date without meeting the kids at all...I guess it's totally different from the other side - most full time mothers do have dads that take them some of the time.
 Ahoytheredave
Joined: 8/29/2006
Msg: 10
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my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 8/10/2009 7:04:02 AM
Having been a volunteer in several youth programs, I find this thread full of ideals based on one's own limited experience. There is no one size fits all. There are "sperm doners". Get used to it. There are single and coupled bad parents. Get used to it. There are good parents both single and couples both natural and adoptive. Accept that too. There is way too much optical rectosis in this thread. Kids should have more than an overprotective helicopter mother but they don't need a bad male role model either. I got involved in youth programs as a parent but was asked by both mothers and fathers to be a role model for their kids as they liked what they saw. That role is not exclusive to the kids genetic father or even the mother's spouse. We all share the responsibility.

In nature, there are few "adoptive" fathers as the natural thing to do is kill offspring that aren't yours. That is part of how evolution works. The survival of the fittest is not about the individual but his genes. Most humans have evolved beyond that but there are exceptions. The term "bad boys" fits the sperm doners quite well. Women are often attracted to these "dominant" males even if they are abusive misfits in modern society. So who is to blame: men or women? Are kids to be taught that only their sperm doners deserve their respect and emulation?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 11
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 8/10/2009 7:55:13 AM

Because you simply can't discuss EVERYTHING. For example, what if you consider a type of discipline appropriate, and the absent father/mother doesn't?

People can agree to disagree, or come to a unanimous agreement on things that are big enough to discuss.

Whose discipline will prevail? What about food habits? Or about bedtime? What if you disagree? Will you let somebody else's rule your home?

I see a difference between someone ruling your home and someone disciplining their kid. As a custodial parent, the MOTHER is the one who should make those decisions when she has her children - and sure the boyfriend lives there, and has some say, but he's not the final decision maker - as he's not the only one in the picture.

Is this about the well being of the child, or is it a power thing?

If you had a kid that lived in an ex's home, would you feel ok with a man moving in and making rules without asking you?

What kind of life is to be always second-guessing the decisions you make in your own home?

Again, you're one of a couple people that make decisions when it comes to someone else's kid, so you will be consulting with others. That's what parenting is about - biological or otherwise. Even without SOs, parents who have divorced or broken up have to discuss rules and boundaries for their kids. No one makes a decision without asking someone else if they are available to do so.

You won't be stripped of all your decisions. What the kids do is not the only thing to make choices on in your household. It's a small part of it.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 12
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 8/10/2009 8:35:16 PM
SO WHICH IS IT GUYS?


I choose option D.

"Totally undesirable."

The reason you see the conundrum, and the oxymoronical statements is really because people are stupid.

Men are no exception.

Rather than bluntly say (like me) that a man can't stand the idea of dating a chick with kids, and it's his preference not to date single mothers...

You have guys who try to trump it up with phoney logic... or rationalize it with conflicting ideas... because to just come out and say that single motherhood is not attractive would make them feel like bad people.

Ladies, I feel that you are in some ways victims of ball-less men. I feel like blunt rejection is easier for both parties- because it has nothing to do with who you are as a person. This mamby-pamby pseudo logic could give a lady issues.

That said, "My kids don't need a father, they already have one!" thing was one of the first things that clued me into the fact single mothers were not for me.

Dating is hard enough without further complicating it with one or more other lives and personalities.

-8sf8
 littleThaifish
Joined: 6/24/2009
Msg: 13
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 8/11/2009 8:54:34 PM


my kids don't need a father, they already have one


one of my friend got the relationship with new guy and they spend long time together,
her little girl call him 'papa', it's fine but now they are again endup.

so the next should to be called 'papa no.3" 4 5 6 7 8 9 10?

thats too much for children,

i prefer to say so
my kids dont need a father they already have one, but i am looking for someone who can happy being together with us and both of children and him are happy with taking care of each other like a family.

 MomOfThree0123
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 14
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 8/12/2009 8:16:43 AM
I dont understand why men see that a women is divorced that it was all her fault! I divorced my ex husband because he was hitting on me and cheating on me. When I gave him everything to make him happy. He has now seen what he lost and tells his girlfriend to learn some lessons from me.. Ha not gonna happen!
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 15
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my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 8/13/2009 12:43:06 PM
Read his profile. It will make you throw up in your mouth just a little.
Sounds like someone's Ex wife is shacking up and pissed him off.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 16
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 8/13/2009 8:14:36 PM
The weird thing is that if I saw that in a profile, or anything like "my kids are my world" or anything telling me his kids were top of the list, I'd find it more attractive, not offputting.

And I'd never want to step in and have any say over someone's kids...I'd be glad they had a mother (if they did) and glad they didn't need another one.

For me the information would be good to read. Totally different situation I guess...it's strange that men would find that offensive when I don't - and I'm the one who traditionally should be offended by that.

Huh.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 17
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 8/14/2009 4:59:34 AM
^^^I agree, but I know why people say it. Usually it's after a string of people they've met expected them to put their kids aside to date. I get someone who's trying to avoid the same situation happening before they start talking to someone.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 18
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 8/15/2009 3:31:13 PM

Are we gold digging, meal ticket seeking, desperate, needy creatures who are just on the hunt for a Daddy to take care of our kids and a husband to take care of us?
Or...
Are we emasculating, controlling ****es, who don't need a man and will make you feel impotent, unimportant and an outsider at every turn?

You can see how one might believe she is a bit screwed in this situation? Damned if we do and damned if don't!


Well, many men feel damned if we do and damned if we don't as well.

I think most of us get what you are saying, but things change when we live with you. Sure, you aren't looking for a meal ticket and sure you're not looking for a new father for your kids, but from my experience and the experience of MANY men I've talked with, these things DO become reality over time.

It costs a lot in time and/or money if a guy chooses to live with a single mother for little real benefit. His time and money WILL be compromised, his compliance with HER lifestyle expected.

Yes, we all get that you meplus, and nearly every other woman out there is perfect.

But, given that so many men have had similar, less than stellar, experiences with single mothers must mean that those 12-15 not-so-great single mothers in the world must have been pretty fvcking busy to have dated, married and lived with so many different men all over the world....

For the record, I'd have no problem at all dating a single mother if I still dated, but I would NEVER live with a single mother again.

 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 19
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 8/15/2009 3:39:14 PM

Very few women choose to be single mothers and sometimes the man is to blame.


Well, let's not forget, though, that only women can decide to bring a kid into the world. So every mother has chosen to be a mother, single or not.

 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 20
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 8/15/2009 5:01:53 PM
Why do we never see, profiles from single moms, explaining how she is willing to try to adapt and augment the man's lifestyle too... ?


Dude...

Women have been saying it to you over and over and over and over again, ad nauseum that their P.O.V. is correct, their experience is more grounded, their spirits are golden, they are more mature, responsible, understanding, and are generally more evolved than you are....

... and you STILL aren't getting 'IT'....

I am so often reminded of the Wif of Bathe from Chaucer' Canterbury Tales when I read these fora. To paraphrase:

Just give me, your wife, control in every aspect of your life and I'll make you a happy man.

Chaucer was either 6-700 years ahead of his time, or women haven't changed much........

 Ta2mama
Joined: 6/18/2008
Msg: 21
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 12/25/2009 6:34:43 AM
um, ur efin retarded if your simple mind really and truely believes what you just typed. My children have the best relationship with their DADDY! and no, they don't need another one...because the one they have is an awesome DADDY. It takes time and trust to let another man discipline you kids. I'm not saying it won't happen, but it does take time. a man can't just rush into telling your babies what to do or not to do. get over it!
 Ta2mama
Joined: 6/18/2008
Msg: 22
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 12/25/2009 6:39:18 AM
AMEN!!!!

never assume, it only makes and ass out of YOU and me. and that seems to be all you "men" are doing, is assuming. have you ever been a single parent? did you really and truely want another woman stepping in and trying to take your kids mothers place? NO! unless the other parent is just completely out of the picture, there is no need for it.

 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 26
my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 1/2/2010 11:35:01 PM

I remember when I was starting to date my current gf, she said specifically "i am not looking for a baby's daddy or anything". Fast forward 6 months later and she starts to ask me to help change the diaper, put her to bed, buy food, and other fatherly duties. I am not bothered to do these things, but now she starts expecting them without question. Yet, when it comes to discipline she quickly reminds me that I am not needed in that role.

The other aspect is that since her baby's daddy is the typical deadbeat convict who does not see his child, she considers her grandpa as a satisfactory father figure. Now mind you, her grandpa heavily spoils the child, which is every grandpa's right. However, I am thinking in the future. How is this kid going to grow up spoiled? Coupled with her mother giving praise for every single thing she does, the little girl is going to think she is God's only gift to the earth. Yeah, i know people raised like that and they are painful people to be around with.

Of course I try my hand at discipline, however only in my house, as they are my rules. the kid has free reign at her mom's house (who lives with grandpa) and does whatever she wants. Thats her house so i have no say, but when the kid starts to bite holes in my chairs, i have to lay down the law. Of course I am the bad guy because I enforce my rules and discipline. Then the mom conviently informs me that i am not entitled to be a father figure and discplinarian, and should not have scolded her.

So i gues the moral of the story is that you will be a "father" figure when it benefits her. otherwise, expect the kid to pretty much run your house, her house, and frankly the relationship


^^^^^Boyfriends don't discipline... husbands/common law husbands discipline. You're crossing the line. It seems the mother isn't a very mature person.... good luck with that.
 big pacific
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 27
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my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 1/5/2010 7:50:40 AM
Nappykat: I really think the difference in why men never put "my kid already has a mother" in their profile is that realistically they don't have the same stigma attached that single moms do. Even in my day to day life, the single moms i meet always feel they have to justify why they are single moms, single dads? Not so much, in fact it usually is looked on favorably with the people I know. Again just personal experience, no facts to back it up.


There may already be a very good responsible parent in the picture, even if the marriage/relationship didn't work out. My sons are blessed with a wonderful father. He is a very active part of their life. A step or bonus parent relationship is going to depend on the individual family dynamics. You cannot force or push this type of relationship.


Sure there might, but the idea that you aren't going to expect your LTR to fulfill some of the father figure role is either naive or misleading. Fact is, despite them having an active father, your beau WILL have to pick up some parenting slack if the relationship progresses.


Why does divorce only punish the man? Women seem to walk away with much better lives and more asset


While many men are punished, statistically this doesn't bear out in terms of finance. Women are 3 times as likely to be in poverty after a divorce than men. I know of a bunch of women that made out, but remember, theres more to this country than the urban sprawl of suburbia.

Again, I think my biggest issue is that it's false advertising. Realistically men that are going to date single mom's understand that if it progresses to any level, they ARE going to be a father figure, it just happens. Saying "he already has a father" strikes me as a cry to increase the size of a dating pool. It screams "my baby doesn't make me damaged goods, i swear i'm not needy!", at least to me. Saying this to increase dating pool doesn't even make sesnse, because the people who's fears you are trying to allay aren't going to have a great shot at being LTR material for you as a single mom.
 mcalgary
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 28
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my kids don't need a father, they already have one
Posted: 1/5/2010 11:09:14 PM
I think that some of these woman's children might actually have a "Great Dad" so there is no need for someone to come in and take that role. Just because parents divorse doesn't mean that both parents cannot be good at it. The relationship between the two adults just didn't work. Any other people coming into a relationship with either of the parents would still be a role model to the kids if the relationship got serious but it is very different than being an actual parent.
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