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 AUTHOR
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 2
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
sweet: it is an autoprotective reaction you have and it denote something you didn't solved or came to peace with.
Found what it is and unlock yourself. Master the past, conquer the future.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 4
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/16/2009 6:51:40 AM
I experienced the same, but haven't seemed to get over it. Partly because men will date me, but later on seem to have trouble with my son being "around". The other man's baby they say.

Now the newest is the one who is part Latino is called a "hybrid". I also come across players to boot. I think I will get over it when I meet a nice sincere man who really doesn't see my sons as problems. They are actually good kids with their own goals in life.
 cion3
Joined: 5/23/2009
Msg: 6
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/16/2009 6:56:12 AM
Dear sweet chaos,

You are doing the right thing but maybe rushing it too fast. The right person will come along and when you meet him you'll knew it was him because there won't be buts or ifs. You will fall in love with that person, and I meant the whole person. I knew what I was talking about because it happened to me. I am seeking for my second soulmate and I am doing what I'm preaching. Good luck!!!

Cion3
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 9
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/16/2009 7:05:48 AM
I agree that much of your ability to feel love for someone else depends on how "over" your ex you are and how long it has been since your breakup. At 24, you now know that the "rose-covered cottage with the lil white picket fence and 2.5 kids" is not always as romantic as it's described in movies and children's books. No doubt, you have some disappointments and re-adjustments to deal with as you continue on...

Divorce and breakups don't often leave people feeling "sparky" OP. If anything, in a breakup when you're so young, they can often leave you knowing that you have a lot more to do than just get into another relationship.... especially, when you now have a child in your care. Take some time to readjust your life and perhaps, even get your career on track. In your sparetime, (if you have any), just get out and have fun.
 singleagain66
Joined: 12/29/2007
Msg: 13
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/16/2009 7:33:44 AM
Sweet Chaos as you said it's only been six month since your break up I think you just need time to get over what has happen. In some cases depending on the person it may take longer or a shorter period. So for now just concentrate on spending time with your daughter / family / friends and work. Then when the time comes to be involved with someone you will know and then it will just happen but till then I wish you all the luck . . . .
 RealCountry64
Joined: 9/7/2008
Msg: 14
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/16/2009 7:47:48 AM
OP,
Six months is not very long. There has been a lot of good advice here so far. And you are young, please don't get in a rush. If you really are over him, conciously and subconciously, it just means you haven't met the right man yet. I've been divorced from my ex for 4.5 years. In that time, I have only met 4 men that have made me feel that "spark", 2 online and 2 IRL. I just met the 4th one last week, so for me, that's an average of less than 1per year! I figure it just means that my mind and body are just very discriminate, and I don't have a problem with that. Maybe you're the same way?
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 16
be set free to love
Posted: 8/16/2009 8:05:25 AM
That you "loved" without really loving....
is a sad place that most have felt.

many good replies here...and kudos to your willingness to approach the edge/face the inner pain. Most palliate that pain with potion, possesion, position, task, scotch, sex...
and never deal with the inner demons that would keep us "divorced from our own hearts". Until we acknowledge, own these deeper things, we drag them along.
Until we own something, we cannot give it away. You are beginning to own that inner ache...hence you shall heal. Keep bravely facing the fear; seek an accountable person/group to keep you honest, know that you will overcome and become "set free to love".
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 17
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/16/2009 8:14:09 AM
Okay, so you're feeling pretty comfortable with being over your ex... but you quite recently had a baby?

It might be a good idea to check out the "Single Parents" section of the forums - I'm guessing the protective mommy instinct may be at work here and you're not ready to invite someone new into your life while your child is still so small and vulnerable. I believe it's also common for romantic interest to shut off for as much as a year or so postpartum, simply due to chemical changes, but, someone who's been through it would be a better source on that.

Whether or not either of those applies, I am sure that this sounds like one of those "time heals" sorts of things.
 louise1359
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 18
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/16/2009 8:22:25 AM
Perfectly normal, because we don't feel that spark with MOST people. Just be patient. And remember, the spark is important but it is not enough. You have to find out who the real person is, and that takes time--months. So be patient, enjoy getting to know people (you don't have to feel the spark to date someone casually), and wait until all the pieces fall into place.
 *topchef*
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 22
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/16/2009 9:01:18 AM
I'm not sure how many guys you have dated in 6 months, a dozen maybe? .....but it is possible that you simply did not connect with them on an emotional level. Now if you went out with 30, 50 or 100+ guys in that time and not one of them "sparked" you, then I would say you have some kind of emotional block and should seek some theraputic help.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 23
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History
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/16/2009 9:15:21 AM
Some times when one has been hurt enough times, or the hurt was large enough to damage parts of you that you thought never would happen, one has the tendency to turn that off, and not allow it to happen again.

There is nothing right or wrong with it, as long as you are open and honest with not only yourself, but those you are with as well. If they want more than you can give, then they need to move on, and if they can enjoy you for what you do offer, they will stay.

If there is attraction that leads to chemistry......all is good and a go, but if you must have being" in love" as well, that could be much more difficult. Many of us have protected our damaged hearts from more hurt, and are very kind, considerate, caring, and understanding, but we do not fall "in love".

If one believes that they must be "in love" in order to be complete, then you have things to work on, and professional help can assist you with that, but if you are one that believes that life is awesome, and sharing it with others makes it that much better, time and the right person may be the the best therapy you can get.

I do not tell anyone that I am "in love" with them, when I do not, but just because I have a disconnect in that area, does not mean that I can not enjoy the deep wonderful company that the two of us can offer each other.

It really comes down to what you can or can not live with, or the one you are with can live with, when dealing with deep emotional feelings, wants, and absolutes.

Just my opinion........
 Ependa
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 24
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/16/2009 9:39:27 AM
I think that you're just not ready to start a new relationship...come to peace with the old one and with yourself. You really can't force these things. I kind of swing the other way, I generally get a huge connection first and then let the fun start =) But I don't do it before I'm ready... no matter how horny I may get. You have to be okay with yourself and where you're at before you can pursuit a relationship in a healthy , positive manner imo.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 27
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/16/2009 11:38:08 AM

Judging by your previous post, taking a new baby on a date, I really think you need to take a break and get your head together. I think you are trying to jump way too fast!

Just read that thread... holy [expletive deleted]... thanks, ammazzed.

Note to self: Always, always, always check the posting history.
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 28
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/16/2009 11:51:59 AM
Divorce (or a breakup of a very serious relationship) is a lot like being widowed; I've experienced all three. Each is a death of a relationship, and it takes time to get over the loss, even if the divorce/breakup was right and necessary and initiated by you. Six months isn't a long time to get a "spark" back. I was emotionally dead for two full years after my husband died nine years ago, and was wondering if I'd ever get my mojo back. (I did.)

Your period of "grieving the relationship" may not quite be over, so combining that with not having met anyone in whom you have enough interest to break through that grief, may be affecting your ability to feel the spark. It just takes time - but don't give up trying.
 CharlieBrown_AR
Joined: 6/19/2009
Msg: 30
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/16/2009 12:27:33 PM
If there is no chance of reconcilliation that you can see, you have to let go and move on. I know it is not as easy as it sounds as I am going through something similar myself, but time waits for no one. If you wait around for someone who doesn't feel the same for you then you will be waiting the rest of your life.

Date without expectation of "feeling" for someone and just enjoy yourself. It is great that you are being honest with yourself and others. You will have feelings for someone when the time is right. It sounds like you have a really good grasp on what is going on. You will be fine.

Good luck in your journey.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 31
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History
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/16/2009 12:27:56 PM
Take this for what it is, free and just my thoughts on very limited info about you, but you seem way too young for the life you have chosen and so totally not ready to be in a serious relationship. You have a child, and no I can't think of any reason to take a baby on a first date, personally I would have canceled, but that alone makes me wonder just how hard you are hoping for a man over really doing anything about what your life really is now, and thinking that having a man will fix it all for you and your daughter. Your reasoning is awry, and you may be depressed, plus you have the mental load that goes with being a single parent, young, inexperienced and lonely. I think you are searching for something you are never going to find because you aren't in the right place with yourself yet. You will attract losers because you are on their wavelength. Get some professional help to not only understand why you are where you are now, but also how to stop presenting yourself so that you attract the very men you do not want to have in your life or your daughter's life. You will not get to the right place by continuing on the same path, you need to know to get there and you need to really face yourself and see the problem, to be able to do that.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 32
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/16/2009 12:50:33 PM
Get jumper cables, that will get the spark back, and any time, any where.
 I am LLR
Joined: 5/7/2009
Msg: 34
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/16/2009 3:22:04 PM
I think you're not ready to move on. I know when I first break up with someone, no man seems attractive to me. I always know that I'm really over an ex when I start noticing how yummy men are again. And let me tell you, there are some I could eat with a knife and fork right about now!!
 Blonde.Cure.
Joined: 2/26/2008
Msg: 36
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/16/2009 3:28:50 PM
i am in the same bump in the road darling. even tho i think i could actually be attracted to those guys, its just not working for me. there are no sparks and as much as i have a will to find some, their just not there. im thinkin we just have to wait it out, we have time life pasts by as it does, dont need to rush it. maybe life just has someone whos meant to forfill us, the whole package, maybe what your seeing in these guys, even thos thier positive attributes, isnt what your looking for or isnt what you need. our bodies have our own natural chemestry
 DocElffington
Joined: 1/20/2009
Msg: 38
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Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/16/2009 4:26:18 PM
OP: The obvious answer, to me, is that you're rushing yourself!

You're not ready to fall in love again.

OR, you just haven't met the right man to fall in love with!

Take all the time you need to mourn the loss of the relationship you had prior to now.

And when you're ready, you'll know it.
 Eibu
Joined: 1/18/2009
Msg: 40
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/16/2009 4:29:32 PM
yeah im guessing your just not truly over your ex yet. Probably the little which made you and him go for however long you have and the people you have met/dated just dont have those key elements which spark your attention.


Either you can just hope and pray for whatever he had you find those qualities again or you let go completely and just try to understand there is no one like him and you have to be optismistic of the future.

I kinda have the very same problem as you and while ive talked to a few great women since my ex whatever love i had truly in my heart is kinda gone for the time being thus why nothing has happened with any of the people ive met more than a kiss.

All that stuff has emotional ties but i guess i must remain optimistic and hope someone great comes my way in time.

Best of luck to you :)
 rockondon
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 42
view profile
History
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/17/2009 11:00:27 AM
6 months is not a long time. The feelings might still be fresh.
Some guy will roll along one day that you'll have chemistry with and all will be good. Give it time.
Good luck.
 StillanOptimist
Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 47
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/17/2009 10:54:13 PM
Here's some astute (and hilarious) advice from a book I read recently:
"Being single doesn't mean that you're unattractive, boring, or generally unappealing. All you need to do is look around at some of the people who do have partners to see that. Fat people have partners. Ugly people have partners. Dull people have partners. A partner does not magically bestow status, personality, or good looks upon you. It just means you got lucky and met the right person. So unless they come along, quit moping, work on your self-esteem and realize that you're single because you haven't met anyone who deserves you yet. Either that or you're a sociopath."
 WalkingInLondon
Joined: 2/21/2005
Msg: 48
Need some advice please (no sarcasm or rude replies please)
Posted: 8/17/2009 11:09:02 PM
My shrink told me when my ex and I split up that I should take a year off from dating, to give me some time to work on myself, figure out who I was on my own, get a grip on being a single parent again, and basically get my head on straight.

It was the best advice I ever recieved. That year did me a lot of good. After that, I dated quite a bit, and enjoyed casual dating and several LTRs. It actually took me about 5 years to truly get my ex out of my heart enough to where I could look at someone and not automatically compare them with him. You don't mean to do it, it just happens. And you have to be very careful not to talk about your ex..really, the new guy doesn't want to hear about him, good or bad.

Give yourself some time. Let your heart heal. Eventually, you will stumble upon a man who takes your breath away.

Good luck
Beth
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