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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Should I move on?      Home login  
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 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 3
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Should I move on?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
"I have discussed this situation with several people including my sister who is bipolar and two mental health professionals…. From what I gather from talking with my sister and these two mental health professionals is that her apparent change in feelings for me may be a manifestation of her bipolar condition…."

Two professionals and another person with the disease have already told you so. Your description is classic bipolar. You don't want to believe them so you come to us????? They are much more in a position to answer... But, I agree with them.

Is she on medication? Be aware, it takes a lot to balance the medications and rebalance over time.... but it is worth it. Unless you really like the manic phase.

Read up on bipolar.
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 7
Should I move on?
Posted: 8/18/2009 4:11:21 AM
Question is not whether unknown3rd parties and POF collective can arm-chair diagnose her from your recounted perspective of your problems with her...(we/they can't- AND SHOULDN'T-nor should you infer/extrapolate from them or your sister)

...question is what is going on with YOU?
DO you need to label her in order to rationalize gettin' off that train?
Is it goin' your way?
Should I move on?
Posted: 8/18/2009 7:03:15 AM
The odds are good the entire span of your relationship will be like this. If this is a chance you are willing to take, go for it.

You are nearing 50 and she has an adult child, so I will assume she is well into adulthood. One would think she has figured out how to deal with and compensate for her mental illness by now.

Some people thrive on the roller coaster ride they choose to make life into, mental illness or not.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 10
Should I move on?
Posted: 8/18/2009 7:12:53 AM
My ex girlfriend's mother was bipolar. And when I look at how she was I can see that perhaps she was also bipolar. The problem here is that these are people that can be so passionately intense that your feelings for them grow exponentially, but when they retract, they will do in such way that they become very, very destructive to everything that you may have built with them. So can you emotionally handle that? More than likely not. And why should you. If you do. Nothing is going to get better. Also realize that when you allow this type of personality to then get away with something, then they will do it again and again.

So the best thing you can do is vent here, but move on. Stop thinking about what ifs that will never happen. Or scenarios under the best of circumstances.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 12
Should I move on?
Posted: 8/18/2009 7:39:28 AM
I suppose it depends on your personality and what you want out of life. A person with mental illness will generally be expected to have fluctuations in their state of mental health, depending on a number of factors, including their refusal to take the medications that have been proven to even them out. If you see yourself as an individual who relishes the role of basically a caregiver, then stay and roll with all those ups and downs. On the other hand, if you see yourself as wanting something that is more fulfilling to you personally and that doesn't constantly have you questioning if you can keep on handling the ups and downs, move on for the sake of your own mental health. Some people are able to roll with these ups and downs with little effect on their own state of well being and some are not. It's time for you decide which is right for you. You can still be a good friend to someone and move your life in a different direction that is more satisfying to you.
 mcwr
Joined: 3/24/2009
Msg: 13
Should I move on?
Posted: 8/18/2009 7:55:07 AM
So.. Either she is telling the truth, and she is crazy, or she is f ucking someone else. In either case, find someone that actually will love you.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 20
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Should I move on?
Posted: 8/18/2009 9:26:11 AM
Littlemoon, you may be appalled but it is not possibly without compassion that people speak but the pain they endured trying to remain in a relationship with someone that is bipolar, and imo, the people that aren't on meds are worse to deal with than the people that are on the on and off cycle. Yes, it is a shame that people who can control their illness with medication then feel like they are well and stop taking it, but what about the people who know they have a problem on some level but refuse to seek any treatment whether pharmacological and therapy or just therapy.

It has been my personal experience as well as many other people I know that the bipolar personality will not seek counseling and your life consequently is a living hell on their emotional roller coaster. Living with an unpredictable drunk is similar to trying to navigate the irrationality of someone who is mentally ill. My mother-in-law once told me, trying to be helpful, to just do what he wants you to do and I told her I would be happy to do that but from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute, what he supposedly wanted would change. He complains that a meal is not on the table when he didn't bother to call and tell you he was headed home, so the next day you go to the store to cook and then get ragged on because you weren't there to talk to him when he woke up.

The OP has tried to be a compassionate person but he has also obviously realized that there is very little he can do to help this woman or to try to create any type of environment that is healthy in terms of the relationship. Even if she is on meds and gets therapy, it still is not an easy road. The OP needs to figure out whether he can live with her worst day every day for the rest of his life, because there is no guarantee that any given day will be better than the worst day.
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 23
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Should I move on?
Posted: 8/18/2009 10:16:03 AM
"what about the people who know they have a problem on some level but refuse to seek any treatment whether pharmacological and therapy or just therapy."

There is a line in 12 step literature "you wouldn't be angry with me if I had diabetes or cancer" .... and my answer is consistent. If you knew you had diabetes and you did not regulate your diet and take your required meds then I would be upset and you might call that angry. I'm not the kind of person who can watch a person self-destruct and not hurt for them. Same is true for cancer - if you aren't seeking treatment and following your regimn then I'll be upset.

So, if a person is bipolar and in treatment and following their treatment, I'll support. If they are not ... then I am not going to allow their self-destructive behavior to not treat their illness to be a reason to get destructed along with them.

So, supportive recovery ... and if they won't do recovery actions and you are being harmed by their active disease then practice self-care ... walk away.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 28
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Should I move on?
Posted: 8/18/2009 7:45:47 PM

The effect of dating someone like this, especially who doesn't take their meds, is that you spend enormous amountts of energy thinking/feeling how to help, fix and cope both dy to day, as well as long term. That same amount of energy could be used in the forward advancement of your own hopes, dreams and goals, but as long as it is all focused on the 'problem', it isn't available for YOU.

Wiyan, this was beautifully stated, people are essentially sitting and spinning because everything revolves around the ill person. I have behavioral issues with my children, primarily about house cleaning and it is due largely to the fact that during their younger years when I should have been strict about them doing their chores, we were all focused on placating dad and the easiest way to do that, run a business and take care of three kids by myself was to pay someone to clean the house. And that is just one example, bedtime, meal times, numerous things were impacted by the chaos. I take full responsibility for my choices but realistically from a parenting perspective, things would have been better if I had done it alone from the beginning.
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