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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Dealbreaker? How to handle in casual dating??      Home login  
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 Blakkardaberry
Joined: 2/7/2009
Msg: 2
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Dealbreaker? How to handle in casual dating??Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Its why they call them the RX generation its a lot more common than most people think and yes this alone would be my deal-breaker. Honesty or not its a lot to deal with and can quickly spiral out of control.

Issue #2 If he was so into you and trying to build a relationship the other date would never have happened to me he is trying to juggle with too may balls. Realistically most people can only concentrate on one relationship at a time if there gonna put there all into it. I am not trying rain on anyone else's parade but whether he told the truth does not even factor into the picture. Its whats he showing you thats making you uncomfortable and I say you got pretty good instincts in that department. You don't owe him anything for his honesty but thank him for showing you he can't be the person you need. He may have just saved you a lot of wasted time. IMO
 red_relaxed
Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 3
Dealbreaker? How to handle in casual dating??
Posted: 8/20/2009 11:59:22 PM
Punishing him? No, you made a good decision/choice based on your sound observations. Sounds like a classic victim...he does!!!

Now, was he honest? Think about that. His level of honesty and coming "clean" may be quite different from yours.

I think you may have felt differently if he had told when you were in a few days that he was dating other gals rather than suddenly springing it on you out of the blue.

Honey, you're gorgeous...smart and have lots to offer. Don't waste your time on i-dots that try and make you question yourself and your integrity. You're worth so much more than that.

Honest...
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 5
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Dealbreaker? How to handle in casual dating??
Posted: 8/21/2009 12:28:21 AM
Not interested, goodbye, is all you need for a reason. His need to manipulate you now says way more than the dealbreakers. Move on, stop listening to his BS, don't talk to him anymore.
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 8
Dealbreaker? How to handle in casual dating??
Posted: 8/21/2009 8:01:24 AM
he's homo viator, the victim, the itinerant man.
...never his fault, always in denial.
(see the first man's story, back in the garden. that apple wasn't HIS)
when confronted with his own prevarications and consequences, he uses YOUR human sensibilities and personality against you(arent you supposed to be respectful? don't you like me? I'm being honest and you won't give my any oxycodone????)
How COULD you do this to ME, the VICTIM?

vae victis no more. ...
 Merrylass
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 9
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Dealbreaker? How to handle in casual dating??
Posted: 8/21/2009 8:11:07 AM

I honestly did feel bad about the fact that he was honest with me

Um. When was he honest? When he claimed he'd only smoked pot once? When he failed to tell you anything about the weekend where he disappeared? When he told you a story about
a pending DUI/possession of narcotics case
- that had to be quite the story!

It is not normal to go around 'borrowing' medication - dude's got a drug problem - which he also did not tell the truth about.

Why, given the above, are you still under the illusion that he was 'honest' with you? Because he told you he was? You got some half-truths from a chronic liar who's got issues. In short, the man who's insisting he's telling the truth is likely lying. Honest people don't feel the need to point out that they're honest.
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 12
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Dealbreaker? How to handle in casual dating??
Posted: 8/22/2009 1:22:13 PM
"Pot doesnt stay in your system more than a month or so. So the real story had to be that he had smoked pot fairly recently. "

The tests I use which are the same that the employers and government use are valid to test dirty for pot use with 10 days max. some light users might come clean in less than 10 days ... but even heavy users come clean in 10.

I agree with all those who say that you have an obligation to yourself to end a relationship when it becomes clear that a person is an active drug addict in denial and not seeking recovery in some form of recovery program. If you are not in a program for those who are relating to addicts then you still ought not get into a relationship with an addict - in recovery or not.

Hint: Addicts of all kinds are masters of guilting people into doing what they want. They are classic victims to the anons classic martyr. Do not volunteer to be a martyr.
 winteragain
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 13
Dealbreaker? How to handle in casual dating??
Posted: 8/23/2009 9:31:27 PM
aww geez you coulda just stayed with him for a few years while he plays hide and seek with all your belongings then your bank account goes negative after you just deposited your paycheck... you're no fun!!
 stone-1
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 15
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Dealbreaker? How to handle in casual dating??
Posted: 8/24/2009 7:05:46 AM


I told him that based on these two issues I couldn't continue to see him. He of course denies and minimizes the significance of the drug issue. And then claims that I am punishing him for his honesty. And I realize he is right, I just don't typically jump into spending that much time with someone that quickly so it's not usually an issue of knowing where they are, etc. I do feel bad from the sense that he WAS honest with me all along the way, but ????


When they deny & minimize... It's because they are in denial... They don't realize how bad off they are...

Whenever anyone suggests that you are punishing them... If it's untrue... then that is something you can expect from them... One finger points at me, three points back...

As has been stated and restated by the previous posters, telling you about pending drug charges, then justifying it with this long denial... is hardly honest... you really don't need to know how heavily involved he is into drugs, He has pending drug charges! You don't get those without having a lot of time & effort invested in staying doped-up!

I have a bad habit of trusting people who send up these red flags too... It always ends badly... Trust yourself... these red flags are there for a reason.
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 17
Dealbreaker? How to handle in casual dating??
Posted: 8/24/2009 8:16:09 AM




Pot doesnt stay in your system more than a month or so. So the real story had to be that he had smoked pot fairly recently. So how recently and how often?



Serum and saliva levels of detected does dissipate rapidly.
The affinity that tetrahydrocannabiboids have to lipids...ensure it persiste in some cells and tissues...much longer. Hair and nails is one example; brain matter another. CSF fluid...might hold metabolites for life..and longer.

The pot admission....was merely a minimalizing (denial, really) with a token socially accepted substitute. How could you not let him skate for that???? LOL
of course, you saw that...and did the right thing.
And hopefully, next time your discernment is better...
be safe!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 20
Dealbreaker? How to handle in casual dating??
Posted: 8/30/2009 4:30:39 PM
Okay, first off, you can't just CALL something "casual dating" -- sorry. Actions don't just speak louder than words -- they make words meaningless if they contradict the words. You weren't casually dating, that's why you were upset. You guys were in an exclusive realm, when you talk all the time, every day, and spend tons of time together. That's why you were upset about Issue #2 -- BUT you're just as guilty as he is on it. You can't say "oh, this is just casual" and expect him not to, out of defense, to line up a date here or there (to minimize feelings hurt if things didnt work out when excited about you).

Issue #1 should be the main factor. If you truly only "smoked pot once", you can get by standard drug tests with some niacin and a boatload of fluids. But it sounds like it wasn't due to that -- it was the Rx problem, and you should just tell him, "Hey, you have a drug problem, and I can't deal with that... if you can rid yourself off the Rx stuff and not rationalize/downplay how it's not that bad, maybe in a week or so we can start things up again... and I shouldn't be upset at you for having a date... I've gotten to realize now that casual dating ends when two people are joined at the hip."
 Phoenicia
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 21
Dealbreaker? How to handle in casual dating??
Posted: 8/30/2009 5:04:56 PM
Do you know the difference between a alcoholic and a drug addict?

They will both steal your wallet, but the drug addict will help you look for it.

Do you really want a relationship with this guy? I think you can do better, much better.
 ninjaeleven
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 23
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Dealbreaker? How to handle in casual dating??
Posted: 8/30/2009 6:46:02 PM
#1, deal breaker. #2 now irrelevant but ...my response, at least he was honest.
 0wiseone
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 25
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Dealbreaker? How to handle in casual dating??
Posted: 8/30/2009 7:50:39 PM

He of course denies and minimizes the significance of the drug issue.
Most people with addictions will. You should neither be surprised by this nor manipulated.
And then claims that I am punishing him for his honesty. And I realize he is right
You're kidding, right? He's supposed to lie to you so that you can be in a relationship under false pretenses? He has an obligation to be honest so that you can make an informed decision about the person you're dating. If he thinks he's being punished for being a loser then maybe he should stop being a loser. The blame goes to him not to you. What does he want from you? To change your standards and morals so that you will accept him for whatever behaviors he chooses to maintain?

Good for you for moving on from this guy. Do not trust anything he says or does. He is just tying to reel you in and will say or do whatever he thinks you want to hear. This is the type of guy that you don't even give the courtesy of telling him you're moving on. He will argue with you and try to change your mind. Just stop taking his calls and he will forget about you when he finds someone else to manipulate.
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 27
Dealbreaker? How to handle in casual dating??
Posted: 8/30/2009 9:07:55 PM
sometimes, it is so simple
life is just to short
you vested time with this man
and found out that he was playing you
the infamous expression " N E X T " > . . . . . . .
i hate when i find out that a man is a waste of space
 FastReb
Joined: 1/3/2009
Msg: 28
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Dealbreaker? How to handle in casual dating??
Posted: 8/30/2009 10:14:21 PM

I honestly did feel bad about the fact that he was honest with me and I was unable to accept him as a result.


Actually, he was not being honest. He has a drug problem. Period. Alcoholics also have an excuse for everytime they imbibe. You should not feel guilt at all for leaving that situation. In fact, I salute you for not letting his ploy of trying to dump a guilt trip on you keep you from doing the smart thing.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 30
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Dealbreaker? How to handle in casual dating??
Posted: 8/31/2009 5:17:22 AM

we are always free. The door to the cage is always open. Most humans prefer to talk to one another through the bars of their own discontent.

^^^What a great reminder and a terrific way to start the day - thx kimbo.
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