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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.      Home login  
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 am70sguy
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 5
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Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Having a child with special needs allows you to see the very best, and... the very worst of people, in a short period of time. That will hopefully be a blessing for you in the long run when you meet one of the best.

Good luck
 am70sguy
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 7
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Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 7/9/2005 1:33:10 AM
I remember you posting something about your child before. Personally speaking, it sounds "off", but I don't have enough information to offer any possible advice (if I really have any to give). Perhaps you could email me the particulars again, age, frequency of crying, anything you think pertinant.

I can handle damn near anything but crying!
 blondksbaby
Joined: 4/18/2005
Msg: 11
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 7/16/2005 12:46:32 AM
I can completely understand where you are coming from. My daughter has Spina Bifida and uses a wheelchair or walker all of the time. The last several men that I have dated have acted like they were afraid of even wanting to meet her because of her disability. I always am very upfront about her disability, because I also have no problem answering questions about her condition or what kind of care she requires.

She's a very intellegent child, and mentally she is far and above children of her age. But physically she has some problems, which she has learned to live with.

Every guy always comments on how cute she and her brother are and how you "can't even tell" there is anything wrong with her from their pictures. I've raised her to believe that she is a "normal" child, for lack of a better word. And her brother sees her the same way.

I get so frustrated to have a guy not understand that she spends quite a bit of time in the hospital having surgeries or tests done trying to make her as "normal" as possible while she is still young. (she 3 1/2 years old). They always seem to act like it's a big deal that I can't just drop her off with anyone and go out and date or just leave her in the hospital to go hang out for while. (Her father isn't in the picture)

I also believe that God wouldn't have given me such a special, beautiful little girl if he didn't think I could do it. She has changed my life in so many ways and if guys would just take a chance to see her for who she really is and not what she is on the outside, they'd find the most loving, caring, outspoken little girl they'd probably never met. But they don't seem to be able to do that.
 kurr
Joined: 1/1/2005
Msg: 12
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Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 7/16/2005 12:53:02 AM
i HAVE A DAUGHTER THAT IS 8 AND NEED TOTAL CARE AND GEE IM STILL SINGLE BUT IF ANYONE WOULD JUST SAY HI NOT JUST MEN THEY WOULD LEARN THAT WE ARE WONDERFULL PEOPLE.
 OnTheBus
Joined: 9/12/2004
Msg: 14
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 7/16/2005 12:08:28 PM
how do you know its an excuse?
 ravessa
Joined: 3/30/2005
Msg: 15
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 7/16/2005 4:08:33 PM
I hate to agree with onthebus44 about this one but he has a point. How do you know it's an excuse? I thought that a lot of guys would run for cover at the very mention of my special needs kids but so far what's turned most of them off is that I don't drink. (don't intend to and don't want to be their designated driver).

I'm very blunt and upfront about my kids, we're a package dea. My oldest is mentally handicapped with a lot of austistic traits. She's never going to live on her own, she will always need some sort of assisted living. If a guy can't accept that, then he's not someone I need to be with. Been there, done that with her father. He couldn't accept it either...oh he says he can, but he never even speaks to her unless she gets right up in his face.

A lot of people are frightened, both men and women. They don't know what to say, how to react and when they hear that you have a special needs kid, they get scared that you're going to be very needy and they don't want that kind of responsibility. These are people you don't need in your life any more than the rest of the special needs parents do. You have enough on your plate without wasting time worrying about them.

Sasssy, if you're concerned about your son, listen to your gut. I argued for 2 1/2 years that something was wrong with my daughter. FOUR different pediatricians said that she would "outgrow her speech delay". Um, yeah right. At 13 she has an IQ of 60, WAY below normal, but her physical developement was right on target or even a bit above average when she was a baby. If your son has a speech delay, try to get him into some sort of speech therapy regardless of his lack of diagnosis. Not being able to communicate is extremely frustrating for a young child (just think how you would feel if you knew what you wanted but couldn't tell anyone). Giving him the means to communicate can lessen the crying.
 just_dawni
Joined: 10/10/2004
Msg: 16
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 7/17/2005 9:14:34 AM
After reading all the posts, I just wanted to ask. When would a person disclose the disablilty of their child. In my opinion, the first few dates are to find out if your compatible & then if it seems you both are on the same page and ready to move forward then your children should be brought into the mix. my 10 year old daughter was misdiagnosised with ADHD when she was 6 and one of the meds that she was prescribed caused her early on set Bipolar to heighten. She was given her diagnosis of BP when she was 8. Something that would not have come out so strong if she was not taken stimulants for ADHD. Don't get me wrong, She was without a doubt going to have a diagnosis of BP, but the stimulants worsened her condition & she was hospitalized 6 times in an 18 mos period. She is now stable. The point I am trying to make......When I meet someone, I am not sure if this is the one or not. I am learning about this person just as he is learning about me. I believe that any man or woman can shy away with knowledge of a disabled child, but if you get to know each other first & then bring the children into the picture....he will have already developed a understanding due to knowing the kind of person you are. And if you do not make it past the first few dates, there must of been a reason and it did not involve your child. Of course, this is just my opinion and I am still looking for that special someone....
 OnTheBus
Joined: 9/12/2004
Msg: 17
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 7/17/2005 3:53:55 PM
Ravessa hates to agree with me
 OnTheBus
Joined: 9/12/2004
Msg: 18
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 7/17/2005 3:54:10 PM
but makes good points
 am70sguy
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 19
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Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 7/18/2005 12:11:02 AM

When would a person disclose the disablilty of their child. In my opinion, the first few dates are to find out if your compatible & then if it seems you both are on the same page and ready to move forward then your children should be brought into the mix


I would guess that to be a "depends" situation. If it takes a significant amount of your time, if the household environment is dramatically impacted by it, and possibily how much it might impact the opposite party. If it is a controllable behavioral thing, I might be tempted to wait, see if the opposite party has the potential personality and temporment (but then again, you still might scare them off and get hurt more for it having taken longer...)

Since my kids are pretty involved I feel it's just better to be up front. No sense scaring the heck out of anybody without warning since it is an environment almost impossible for those not subjected to living in it to grasp.
 Tired-Superman
Joined: 9/28/2005
Msg: 20
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 12/24/2005 12:22:46 PM
I take care of 10 individuals with autism. I would date someone who has a child with a disability. When I first began caring for persons with disabilities I was nervous but as I went on and got to understand autism and mental retardation I found great joy in helping these guys have a life. I love to see when a new task is accomplished or a new word is learned. I am sorry you have only dealt with losers who in actuality aren't men but boys, however there are good men willing to accept you and your child as their own don't give up.







.
 Divorcednlkn
Joined: 10/28/2005
Msg: 22
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 12/24/2005 4:48:49 PM
My son was labled ADAH but is bipolar and on meds now. I was dating someone and he could not handle the fact that my son had vilotent outburst or sucide attemts. My son will be 8 on Dec 28, 2005. He has tried to kill himself 5 times. The outburst are about 10 to 20 times a day. I don't need a man to help me with him. I need a man there to be there for me. I have been taking care of my son on my own for 7 years now. I can do it all by myself. I would love to have someone there to hold me when I need to be held. My son is on new meds now and we are hoping that they will help. You will never know how hard it is for you to have to put your own child in the hospital so he won't hurt himself or you. I have done that before and it kills me inside everytime I have to. So if the man doesn't call or talk to you anymore than he is not a man and keep looking.
Good luck in your search
 virilio
Joined: 12/12/2004
Msg: 23
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 5/31/2006 10:37:51 AM
I want to let you know that you are not alone and that I fully understand what you are going thru.
I am also in the same boat that you are.

The following is an article that I posted last year and it will tell what my situation is right now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am new on this site,and I don't know if it is any answer to my question or not.
I just going to tell what happened to me last year 2004.
I hope there is some information available for
me and better yet someone will be able to read
what I am about to say.
I was happily married with a very sweet godly woman for 12 years and we have a wonderful son
in january 1995.
We discovered in his early age that something
was not quiet right with him and we did not know at that time that he was autistic until
3 years later when finally after wrong diagnoses from doctors we learn of his condition when we move to another county.
It was hard in the beginning to accept that
our only precious child was autistic.
We learn how to cope with it and tried all kinds of treatments like changing the diets and other therapeutic treatments.
We were fortunate that our son is not the aggresive type,and that he is very affectionate and very obedient and that he recognize his parents,and know how to express his feelings.
The major concern is that he is not talking
although he can vocalized and he hears very well.
Other than that we were happy as a family
and very united until finally tragedy came
to our lives.
In 2003 we have the terrible news that my wife had cancer,and unfortunately her health was rapidly deteriorating and in september of 2004 she passed away while I was holding her hands.
It was a terrible blow for us and at the same time we had a hurricane passing thru
our county and it damage my carport.
Then all of a sudden I realized that I was along as a single parent with an autistic child.
On january of 2005 I moved to the Orlando area because I found an excellent school for
autistic children and thanks God my son is doing great.
Now,after a year and two months following and advice of a friend I decide to find a soulmate.
I am missing the marriage life,and someone to loved and be loved in return.
When my wife realized that she was going to die she also told me to find a good wife because she cares for me and our son very deeply,but I was not ready until now that finally after much grieving and learning to
cope with reality I decide to move on with life.
Unfortunately,I have not found a soulmate
yet.
In my church there is no one available because they all married and I even tried online dating and in the beginning the women
were willing to date,they like my profile and picture,but when they learn about my son being autistic they run away from me like a plague.
I tried to explain that my son is a mild autistic and a good boy but they do not even want to listen.
I came to the conclusion that it is going to
be very hard to find a woman that has a heart for children with special needs.
Now,my question is if there is a dating site specially for single mothers and fathers with
the same situation like me that want to find
their soulmates.
I will love to find a decent lady that has a
heart for children like mine,and even if they also have children with special needs such as
autism,down syndrome,aspergers,or anything like that I will work with her and help her
to take care of our children with love and compassion.
Of course we will have to fall in love and not only because it is convenient for our children.
I am a Romantic Christian man seeking a Christian lady for a serious relationship/marriage.
I have a good sense of humor,but I also have a serious side
as well.
I have a lot of love to offer to the right lady.
I like reading,listening to classical music,I enjoy operas,good movies,traveling,camping,working out,nature,walking and holding hands with the one I love at sunset,candlelight dinners,going to church,doing beautiful things together and spent the rest of our lives together
until death do us apart.
Ladies if you are ready for a loving,romantic,passionate,compassionate
christian man to come into your life and share the beautiful things that life has to offer send me a
message,
God bless,
Jose
 virilio
Joined: 12/12/2004
Msg: 24
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 5/31/2006 11:14:25 AM
I want to let you know that I understand you 100% because I am also a father of a mild autistic child.
In my personal opinion I believe that the only one that will fully understand is somebody else that has a similar situation in their lives.
I am going to take the liberty to introduce myself and I want you to read my profile and then
I want you to email me if you are interested.

My profile:

I am a loving,romantic,passionate,and compassionate
christian man seeking a Christian lady for marriage.
I have a good sense of humor,but I also have a serious side
as well.
I was happily married for 12 years with a sweet Godly woman,and a year
and eight months ago she went home to be with the Lord and now she is rejoicing in heaven with her Lord and savior.
It was hard for my son and I, because we loved her very deeply.
When she realized that she was going to die because of cancer she told me to find a Godly woman after her death because my wife loved me very much.
I was not ready at the time,and after all this year of grieving now
I am ready to move on with life and I am seeking my soulmate,my other half,someone to loved and be loved,the one that God has prepare for me.
What I learn from my past relationship is that the first priority on this earth is to please our Lord Jesus and then the second priority is your spouse,and your precious children.
Enjoy their company and have fun together because life is short. I am a father of a wonderful 10 year old son and he is a mild autistic
child and I am very proud of him.
He is in a charter school that specializes in autistic children,and he is making a lot of progress and I thanked God for it.
I will love to find a decent lady that has a
heart for children like mine,and even if they also have children with special needs such as
autism,down syndrome,aspergers,or anything like that I will work with her and help her
to take care of our children with love and compassion.
Of course we will have to fall in love and not only because it is convenient for our children.
I have a lot of love to offer to the right lady.
I am a romantic at heart, I like reading,listening to classical music,I enjoy operas,good movies,traveling,camping,working out,nature,walking and holding hands with the one I love at sunset,candlelight dinners,doing beautiful things together and spent the rest of our lives together
until death do us apart.
My Ideal Person:
The type of relationship I am looking for is a long term relationship and the qualities that I would like in this relationship or person are the following: A humble,loving,caring,compassionate, romantic lady that knows Jesus Christ in her heart as Lord and savior and that knows what she wants in life,and one that has a heart for children with special needs.

Jose
 scenicruzer
Joined: 10/20/2006
Msg: 26
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 11/23/2006 6:12:12 AM
I've been reading the many different threads on this base subject and have enjoyed reading the different views and opinions.
There are a few quotes I'd like to share that I think people need to remember when looking at any potential mate or even making new friends.

To paraphrase Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., "you cannot judge someone simply by the color of their skin or the condition of their body. You must judge the person by the content of their
character. "

"The key here is to realize that everyone is different, and a disability (or lack thereof) is simply a condition of the body, not the full measure of the man or the woman."

"that a person is only as disabled as you let them be and inside that person is someone whom isn't disabled and is worth getting to know."

"Disability is a matter of perception. If you can do just one thing well, you're needed by someone." Martina Navratilova

My 2 cents...
 RICK567
Joined: 7/19/2007
Msg: 27
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 10/9/2008 8:21:35 AM
if i was with you i would never leave you just because your child has a problum and if you want to get back to me here is my email address ogden53@hotmail.com
 RICK567
Joined: 7/19/2007
Msg: 28
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 10/9/2008 8:22:43 AM
i will take you and your son
 RICK567
Joined: 7/19/2007
Msg: 29
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 10/9/2008 8:24:04 AM
i would give you a chance
 shagrahar3
Joined: 7/18/2008
Msg: 30
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 10/9/2008 8:53:30 AM
I'm telling you, that is the very first thing that I bring up. As a matter of fact, I even put it in my profile. I'm very proud of the fact my son is Autistic.Actually he has Asperger Syndrome, which is high functioning autism. He has autistic behaviors, sets his mind on one topic until we are all driven crazy, and has GI issues. He screamed non stop...didn't eat...and jumped out of 5 playpens when he was under two. I took him to a neurologist on 9-11-01(yes, the bombing date!) and he was diagnosed in 5 minutes. He is a textbook case. I know this sounds weird but given the chance of normalcy...I wouldn't change him for a million. I love him how he is and I'm GRATEFUL he will never die from this. I'm becoming a little autistic myself as it is such a big part of our lives. Take it slow, I know it drives you nuts not really knowing what's going on. READ>>>>READ>>>READ up on everything you can get your hands on about the subject if you think it involves your child. Knowledge helped me big time...and a correct diagnosis. Don't worry about the dating...someone will come when it's the CORRECT time for you and your kids.
 shagrahar3
Joined: 7/18/2008
Msg: 31
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 10/9/2008 9:16:59 AM
This is for the single parents that haven't gotten their child diagnosed yet. Not for the one that started the thread. Just had to clear that up. It's more stressful when you see things that are not "quite right" with your child and still are trying to lead a "normal" life , like dating. I'm not sure if this will ever get cleared up in a way we can understand it. Very few people can deal with the things we are dealing with because it hasn't happened "in their own back yard". But I always hope and pray that God sends us the right person when it's the right time for us. My manager told me that at work just yesterday and it was like a lightbulb went off. I don't know how many times I heard that same thing over the years...but for some reason it really made sense and it sunk in.
 jojomercurys
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 32
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Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 10/17/2008 8:49:12 AM
I can relate to the problems of a disabled child.Although my daughter is not physically disabled she has ADDH.I often wonder if anyone but me could handle being around her but the truth is she is a wonderful blessing in my life.It takes a special person to accept the extra mantience that is needed to be part of a special needs family.Patience tolerance,compassion and empathy are some of the traits that are needed to be a parent to my daughter.I would look to see if that person has them too.For those just starting out here is the shot of hope"Thing do get better".Be proactive in getting help through schools,goverments and doctors.
 matters not
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 34
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 10/20/2008 8:45:55 AM
I also have an autistic kiddo, he's 13, doesn't speak and is still in diapers, and pretty much get the same reaction.

*whoosh* The sound of running feet, lol.

Oh well. Like someone else said, better to know early on than once feelings are involved.
 stltom
Joined: 6/18/2008
Msg: 35
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 12/10/2008 9:00:21 PM
I would tell your prospective partner as early as possible, say by the second or third date. I've dated three women in the past year that had autistic children. While it didn't work out for me and them, their child had no bearing on it. And any good guy that you'd want to be with, shouldn't have a problem with it either.
 ~Beave~
Joined: 5/7/2008
Msg: 36
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 12/11/2008 9:04:40 AM
Well I try to stick to men who want to date me..only me with the understanding my children aren't part of the relationship. When you have children with special needs sometimes you have to accept you won't be able to have a typical relationship with the eventual co-habitation or marriage ending.

Also I took a break from dating to organize my life so my children's needs could be less dependant on me and allow me more personal freedom.

I don' t know if men running is as much as the result of the disabled child as the concern the mother wouldn't be able to invest in the relationship. I would hate to think it's the child, that kind of thinking could lead to resentment eventually.
 fuzzysparks27
Joined: 1/19/2009
Msg: 37
Single mother's with disabled children, trying to find a man.
Posted: 2/17/2009 2:31:21 PM
Well I have an disabled son with developmentally delayed , seizures, microcefly, and GURD and is in a wheelchair. I'm only 27 he has an undiagnosed genetic disorder. I find that dating is extremely hard because I don't have allot of time and seem to attracted men who really like me till they met my son. Or I met guys with no kids and don't want any and figure they can deal with him because he doesn't run around, so they basically ignore him witch is no good. I'm my experience Iv noticed that dating someone who is educated or religious or knew you before you had your child makes it a lot easier. I'm not religious myself because of I don't see how god could let things like this happen. But I find people with strong religion have a heart and understand that everyone needs love and respect, and people with education don't jump to conclusions on how he got this way. Like narrow minded people who think its your fault from drugs or its in your family. My sisters are engineers and my families all accountants and things like that, and iv never done drugs, its a first accurance in the family. Surprisingly people don't realize things like this can happen to anyone pretty easy. I was common law married with his father but he was watching him and hit him and is now in jail. Right now I'm dating my best friend of many years we have known each other since we where 13 years old its going pretty good but it still a challenge in some ways because even if he was around through the years he never had to take on the roll of helping me so I don't know how it will go. well good luck to all. Its a hard life but if I can do you can just be picky yoru aloud since allthe other stuff you have to go through anything that makes you and your child happy and safe.
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