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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > She now wants us to just be dating and not in a relationship :(      Home login  
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 justcuzwhatever
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 2
She now wants us to just be dating and not in a relationship :(Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Sounds like an out to me... you're "ok for now" but not really what she's looking for.

And by the way... I wouldn't worry too much about her going into the military... at age 37 the only branch that would accept her as a "new recruit" is the Navy Reserve (they will in theory accept up to age 39) and even that is not very likely unless she has a skill set that they really want.
 slybandit
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 4
She now wants us to just be dating and not in a relationship :(
Posted: 8/24/2009 1:47:51 PM
Er, something's not working with this picture.

OP: 6'1", 32, in good shape, never married, university degree, works two jobs, one of which is full time.

Her: 37, single mother, two failed marriages, lives with her parents (at 37? After two marriages?), has a very unrealistic project of getting into the military (at 37, that's not happening).

And SHE's looking to play the field? WTF? Other than their casual racism, your parents are the ones doing the functional wetware-grade thinking here.

OP, unless you've got clinical-grade halitosis, an incurable STD or your dancing makes Mr. Bean look like a young Travolta, adjust your head and drop this pseudo-loser for a woman that actually appreciates you. Regardless of whether the skin that she's dwellin' in does contain melanin.
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 6
She now wants us to just be dating and not in a relationship :(
Posted: 8/25/2009 6:54:44 AM
Sounds like she just wants absorb some of her new found "freedom". Not necessarily a bad thing, you just need more.
Simple fix... MOVE ON. Find someone who feels and thinks of a relationship the way you do. If you dont she will just USE you and to be honest it sounds like you'd let her.
 mulligan69
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 7
She now wants us to just be dating and not in a relationship :(
Posted: 8/25/2009 7:19:24 AM
I feel for you, I really do. Been in similar situations, and I'm afraid I do not have any promising advice. I do not know her, nor her character. But it doesn't take a therapist to know she is keeping you around to pass the time - pass the time until she finds something else she wants to do. You can't get a much bigger warning sign than when a 37-year old person tells you they are not sure what they want. Those are what your 20's are for - they certainly were for me. In your 30's, specially late ones, you know what you want - just a matter of finding it. You can certainly stick it out and 'hope' she decides you are what she wants. But I'm very afraid the writing is on the wall - and you are setting yourself up for a huge heartbreak........Easy for me to say, but I'd let her go. Let her figure out what she wants w/out dragging you down with her. If you are that person, she can and will come back - but least this time you have more a role and say in the realationship. At the very least, play little hard to get - pouncing at her feet at every call makes it almost boring for her I imagine. So much in fact, she is/has taken you for granted.

Good Luck.
 ArtFromMargate
Joined: 1/14/2008
Msg: 9
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She now wants us to just be dating and not in a relationship :(
Posted: 8/25/2009 3:28:16 PM
I've been in that situation myself, more that once. Actually, I gave it a name; "The kiss of death syndrome". When a woman who I have been persuing and have a real attraction to tells me that she just wants us to be friends, my heart used to feel like it was hit by a Mack truck. After a few time of this Kiss of Death, I now know that there are plenty of fish in the sea, just as the name of this site implies. I refuse to chase after a woman who wants me to become her brother. I'm not going to become a puppy dog chasing the cars on the road.
Living in South Florida, I find that we have a very active social scene available. This weekend there are two POF dances that are close enough so I can attend both the same night. I also keep my goals low enough that I can't be disappointed. My usual goals at a dance are to have a nice time and to dance. That's it! If I meet a nice woman and we exchange phone numbers, it's icing on the cake, but I am never disappointed. If I get the kiss of death, I just move on.
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 10
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She now wants us to just be dating and not in a relationship :(
Posted: 8/25/2009 3:34:19 PM
You can have a "dating" relationship, but not a "long term" relationship. When I think of long term, I think of a couple who has decided to live together (inside or outside of marriage). I think it's great that she does want to have dinner with you, or spend time together. Would you rather her just say "let's call it quits, not see each other, call each other"? She has lots on her plate, and she doesn't want to give more than she can possibly give, especially in light of what is expected in a long term relationship. You do have a chance with her, if you don't run her off by being "pushy".
 ArtFromMargate
Joined: 1/14/2008
Msg: 12
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She now wants us to just be dating and not in a relationship :(
Posted: 8/25/2009 5:11:56 PM
I just mentioned in my previous post about being the puppy dog chasing the car. Unless you have a ring through your nose and she has a rope tied to it, let her go. It may hurt for a few days, but you will survive, and frankly, so will she. That's why you are on POF, to meet women!
 Luciana9
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 14
She now wants us to just be dating and not in a relationship :(
Posted: 8/26/2009 11:33:19 AM
As long as you're getting laid, what's there to complain about?
 damassteel
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 18
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She now wants us to just be dating and not in a relationship :(
Posted: 9/3/2009 7:35:28 AM
Whenever someone says"I don't know what I want", translation is; "I know exactly what I want and It's not you".
If it ain't movin' forward, it ain't movin'....Eject..game over.
 cuban delite
Joined: 4/29/2009
Msg: 19
She now wants us to just be dating and not in a relationship :(
Posted: 9/3/2009 7:55:44 AM
Maybe she enjoys your company......have you never had friends come into your life for a short period of time before?

Enjoy it for what it is ..or walk away
 RUmPsHaKER
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 21
She now wants us to just be dating and not in a relationship :(
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:13:19 AM
she doesn't want you anymore basically...she's tryna let you go gently.....the oldest *trick* in the book

she doesn't want to deal with your family's racist bvLLsHit....who would.....

hmmm.....and i suppose she still wants to hang out with you from time to time to "get sum" .....pretty basic...

this is an easy one
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 24
She now wants us to just be dating and not in a relationship :(
Posted: 9/22/2009 5:27:23 PM

She just wants us to be friends. She is currently looking for an efficiency apartment and she is considering working two jobs because of financial reasons. I invited her to live with me for free, but she declined, saying that she wanted to be independent. I respect her decision and admire her for that. She still calls me on the ph0ne quite a bit, and she sends me text messages to see how I am doing. I miss her a lot, and she misses me as well. If she doesn't want a relationship with me, then why all the phone calls and text messages? But anyway, I learned that if someone is divorced twice and says that she doesn't know what she wants, she probably isn't suited for a relationship anyway.


I'm really quite surprised at the reactions you've received from many of the posters here. When the situation is reversed and women want men to "commit", it's usually the case that the women are seen as desperate and needy. Here, you're being told that her unwillingness to cram herself into what you want should make you beetle on down the road.

She's being honest with you. She simply wants to be your friend. She's likely lived most of her adult years looking after everyone else before she had even established enough of an identity to carve out her own future. This is especially true of people who marry and have children early in their lives. When they become wives and mothers (or fathers and husbands) early in their adult years, there is a part of them that wonders what life would be like on their own. It doesn't mean they're damaged, selfish or "busted goods". It simply means that somewhere along the way, she's realized she doesn't know what SHE wants, independent of the roles she's lived as a wife and mother. Unfortunately, the price of young and committed relationships is often self-knowledge. Sooner or later, people get back to who they are and it sounds like that's where she's at.

People here are assuming that you're paying for each and every date but since you haven't commented, I think that's yet to be proven.

If you don't want to be friends, you have no obligation to be her friend. But not wanting to meet YOUR needs and wants does not make her a bad person.

You've now had years and years of freedom to find out who you are, what you want and to build toward the life you wanted while she was wrapped up in her roles as wife and mother. I would think that since you've taken so much time before trying to have a committed relationship, you would understand her a lot better than you seem to.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 25
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She now wants us to just be dating and not in a relationship :(
Posted: 9/23/2009 12:34:04 PM
sound like the typical american girl, shes looking for the best finacial option and is using you for the time being
 WalkingInLondon
Joined: 2/21/2005
Msg: 27
She now wants us to just be dating and not in a relationship :(
Posted: 9/24/2009 2:15:01 AM
Dear OP,
Run, run like hell!!!!!! This woman obviously is a bit off her rocker, thinking that at her age she has a shot getting into the military, having two divorces and three kids, living with her parents...if you don't run quick, she is going to realize her situation and quickly get knocked up by YOU!!!

I've seen this happen before, you're Nigerian, you're smart, hard-working, well-mannered, and you get snatched up by women who have a thing for black guys, and they know a good thing when they see it! You're new to the country, you have few if any friends, so she becomes your world. And then BOOM! you're in love with her, a woman whom in your own country, in similar circumstances, you wouldn't give the time of day, and your parents certainly wouldn't approve of. She's not of your class, socioeconomic background (did I spell that right?) and she does not have your work ethics either.

Do yourself a favor, get as far away from this woman as you can. She is trouble and nothing but. You're too good for her. Find yourself a decent woman to have a relationship with, and move on.

Good luck to you,

Beth
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 28
She now wants us to just be dating and not in a relationship :(
Posted: 9/24/2009 2:27:37 AM
OP - this is not going to work. Regardless of who is wrong or who is right, the writing is on the wall.

This chick you are seeing does not sound like a very good catch - actually like kind of a loser.

And... get this. I hate to use this one on a fellow man but it must be said.

She's just not that into you.

:/

-8sf8
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