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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Self-confidence...      Home login  
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 2
Self-confidence...Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
There was alot of good advice above.
I'd like to add a different take.

If you have that problem ONLY with women you are attracted to..
but can deal with other women normally...
then confidence isn't the issue.

Attraction is, or rather your need to get it back from the girl you feel it for.
Loose that need and you'll be smooth.

Basically you like her so you hope she reacts favorably to you or you'll feel dweebish.
Nervousness is the energy of that conundrum.
As others have suggested, in your spare time work on constructive indifference.
The ability to remain unmoved no matter what the input.
The same ability poker players use.
See all women as your sister if you need to.

But in the short term practice eye contact, smile, and saying Hi I'm Andrew.
Obviously just you can't do that to strangers out of the blue.
I suggest a practice run pretending you are lost.
(Or get lost then it's more real.)

Eye contact, smile, and say Hi I'm Andrew and where the heck is the nearest store?
Or highway 121? Is there a post office near here? I need to mail something.

Simple questions like that.
Like the guy above said not just to pretty girls and don't flirt.
You're lost and need help. And it's best if the woman isn't alone.
With freinds she'll feel safe and not mace you.

Over time you'll see women respond naturally and helpful.
You'll notice some will ask you why you're wanting to go there.
(so have an answer)
and others may ask where you come from.
(they're curious about you and may be flirting)
They make conversation. You'll respond naturally.
It flows from there.

It's the opening that is the problem for you right now.
Once a woman responds you'll say whatever without thinking...
You'll be past that conundrum.
and then you'll be ready grasshopper.

Women deep down want to be liked same as you.
And some are nervous same as you.
If you can overcome that at your end.
They'll respond from their end.

Good Luck
And only use the force for good.
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 3
Posted: 8/26/2009 9:57:02 AM
Yep. You need repeated training exercises. You'll need a friend to help you... it's to expose yourself so you become numb, and at the same time, get you in a comfort zone and realizing it's NOT a big deal to interact.

1) Start with saying "hi" in passing. Walk into a store when it's a little busy, and say hi to women walking in the opposite direction. You know you're not going to start convo, nor are hitting on them. Just look at them and say hi. It's just in passing! Repeat until you're okay with that and have done it a few times after being comfortable. Start with very unattractive women (no confidence required), and work your way up to pretty gals.

2) Do the same as above but throw out a small compliment. "Nice shoes..." or "Nice necklace..." Again, just in passing! She knows you're not hitting on her, so the compliment will seem very genuine and brighten her day. You're doing society a service while getting yourself in a comfort zone. Win-win, right? Again, it's no big deal. Just repeat this like above.

3) Okay, after you've beat a dead horse repeating the in-passing thing for MULTIPLE DAYS (no quick fix; need friend to keep you honest on it), then go to a store where female workers will "help you find something". You talk with them. You're just there to browse... but you want to interact and make eye-contact at all times. Again, start with not-so-hot ones, and work your way up. Ask questions about the clothes or electronic equipment, and smile & make eye contact. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Doing all this will make you comfortable interacting. You'll be more comfortable knowing that it was always silly to be intimidated by interacting with girls. Your next step will be to start conversation with people. You just need to break your shyness, and your self-confidence will stabilize.
Joined: 1/3/2009
Msg: 5
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Posted: 8/29/2009 9:18:38 PM
OP, just remember that it's illegal for a woman to shoot you just for saying hello. As others have said, look at it as practice to say hello to several women a day. Pretty soon, it will be much easier to relax as you greet the other person.
 ~Sexiest User~
Joined: 10/2/2009
Msg: 7
Posted: 1/21/2010 7:15:12 PM
Your 20 good looking, intelligent and a whole life ahead of you....a bit have fears about being rejected or making mistakes....but don't be afraid, it's all part of can overcome that, maybe a few tips to build your confidence.....the good news is that self-confidence really can be learned and build on....And whether your working on your self-confidence or building the confidence of people around's well-worth the effort.....your level of self-confidence can show in many ways....Your behavior, your body language, how you speak, what you say, and so on, building your self-confidence is doing what you believe to be right, even if others mock or criticized you for it....Be willing to take a risk and go the extra mile to achieve the things....Admitting your mistakes, and learning from them....Self-confidence is a self balance what you want to achieve, your strengh, think about what's important to you and where you want to go.....and commit....when you are confident, you radiant happiness..
lea in west tn
Joined: 2/19/2007
Msg: 8
view profile
Posted: 1/22/2010 12:01:42 AM
Change the 'tape' that is playing in your head. The adrenaline is the fight or flee reaction. After you go thru it once, you tell yourself, gee I made it thru that. The first time is the worst.
You need to change the tape playing in your head. Start being positive and turn off the I don't have any confidence voice.
Joined: 7/1/2008
Msg: 9
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Posted: 1/22/2010 8:32:32 AM
Think of how it was when you first rode a bike. You were scared and may have even fallen off a few times when you started out. Eventually got the hang of it and through the positive success gained enough confidence that it seems silly to be scared to ride a bike.

Now imagine if that bike had a mind of it's own and was constantly throwing you to the floor simply because you have no confidence to begin with. Would you ever have even learned to ride a bike, or gained that confidence?

confidence isn't something you pull from your butt, it comes from previous performance success.

Try a bike with training wheels on it (drunk girls)
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 10
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Posted: 1/28/2010 7:39:18 PM
You are getting some good suggestions. I don't have time to read all the posts now, so if I'm repeating, please pardon.
Confidence is tied closely to circumstances and activities. IF you are like most people, you do HAVE self-confidence, just not in the circumstance of talking to a woman face to face about emotional or desire issues. The trick is, to arrange to be engaged in activities that you are most comfortable with and confident doing, and converse with her on the side as you do them. Personally, I suspect the entire idea of formal DATING was invented entirely by shy people who wanted to arrange settings where their self-confidence would be present.
And boy, do I know what you're talking about with the plummeting heart, and the surging adrenaline. The only way I could talk to women face to face in the past, was if I absolutely convinced myself that I had NO chance with her whatsoever. Once I was certain I didn't have a chance in hell, I'd calm down enough to at least say hello without requiring an immediate change of clothing.
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 11
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Posted: 1/28/2010 7:53:48 PM
You're in Massachusetts. There's lots of contra dancing there. Go contra dancing. It's very social. People mix around and change partners after each dance. You get accustomed to asking women you don't know to dance. Lots of contra dancers are big flirts, too. Learn to dance with everyone & flirt with everyone, no matter their age or size or whatever, and then when you meet a girl you're actually interested, you'll be an expert and it will come easily.

Learn to flirt and start conversations with *everyone* - old ladies, the barrista at the coffee shop, everyone. Learn to not care if they shrug at you and want to move on.

Practice. Start small, take baby steps. Practice until it comes naturally. You can do it.
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 12
Posted: 1/30/2010 5:14:41 PM
^^^^^ - Very well put... although many women are NOT going to like what you wrote. And I think you'll agree that not all women are like that... just food for thought if/when you get blacklash. :) However, I will agree that a large number of women will have a low self-esteem when it comes to their appearance... and that when anyone is second-guessing their appearance, they're going to be more apt to chase your attention/validation.

Since a lot of guys have confidence problems too, it's good advice to point out that women do too - despite them being the ones holding the "veto" cards, culturally speaking.
Joined: 2/25/2009
Msg: 13
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Posted: 2/14/2010 8:33:15 PM
although I totally agree that not caring would most likely improve the way u interact with women, U have to understand that if we had the ability not to care then we wouldn't. I guess a better question would be on how to train yourself not to care? I would also appreciate any suggestions on how a guy like me.... with all his flaws for everyone to see. would go about dating and just feeling better about himself. It's gotten to the point where I wish I could kick love out the door, but that's all I ever wanted... for a woman to love and accept me for who I am... people say u gotta feel good about yourself before getting into a relationship but how ru supposed to that when u feel like an eel in sea full of fish?
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 14
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Posted: 2/14/2010 9:05:08 PM

You're in Massachusetts. There's lots of contra dancing there. Go contra dancing. It's very social.

Contra or any other kind of social dancing. I've been involved with Salsa and Tango for many years and any time a guy tells me he can't meet or relate confidently to women, I tell him three words, "Learn to dance"; problem solved .
As arwen52 says, it puts you in close contact with many females of all kinds and ages. Tango and salsa are great because the dances themselves are sensual.
I have seen guys with "zero" game become total "Mac Daddies" after learning to dance well. So if there's any music in your soul and body, make it work for you..NOW.
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 21
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Posted: 9/12/2010 11:30:10 PM
Ok I don't know if this has been suggested(I admit-too lazy to read all the pages), but have you ever faked eye contact? Just to boost confidence?

To fake eye contact you pick a spot on the others face close to the eyes(hair, between the nose, the lips or a cheek bone) and look at that. It may sound terribly fake BUT if it helps you learn to look in the area, you can learn to look in the eyes. Kind of a sideways approach.

Maybe it goes with the cliche "fake it til you make it" thing. But in the viscous world of dating and its pitfalls. Any rope when drowning.............
Joined: 9/9/2010
Msg: 23
Posted: 9/13/2010 3:20:48 PM
all this crap some people are saying about how self-confident people don't care what anyone thinks..whatever?

almost always it's a carefully constructed 'rebel image' that they want to project.

almost ALLof us do care at LEAST a little, what other people think of them. Granted, many people, IMO care WAY TOO MUCH, and others much less, but few do NOT. CARE. AT. ALL.

the only people who REALLY don't care what ANYONE thinks about them are usually confined to psych. hospitals as schizophrenics, or wandering the streets in old sweat pants, mumbling to themselves.
Joined: 9/9/2010
Msg: 25
Posted: 9/13/2010 3:58:51 PM
true, for examp0le why do peopel choose certain photos for their profile son here?

is it just totally at random, or do they have the one with the certain facial hair look and do-rag, or fishing, or riding their motorcycle, or..etc., etc.. because they think it looks cool -to what are I'm fairly sure, are virtually all total strangers
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