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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > When does the pain end?      Home login  
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 angels_fly
Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 2
When does the pain end?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
There should be a reason to why she left you. Had you have any arguments? You can't just leave for no reason.

Unless you move on with your life and find someone else as well. The pain will not go away.

 Stormwolf
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 3
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History
When does the pain end?
Posted: 8/30/2009 5:48:05 AM
Stop watching Jerry Springer. Or...sell your story to him.
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 6
When does the pain end?
Posted: 8/30/2009 6:00:19 AM

There should be a reason to why she left you. Had you have any arguments? You can't just leave for no reason.


You must be kidding with this comment. When someone in any relationship
cheats its on them - No - it doesnt take two - it takes ONE to have no
character, morals, integrity, honor or anything else that is of value in a
relationship.

Its not you - its her. This is all on her. This was her decision. This
was her cowardness.

She is plain and simple - a cheat and a liar and a selfish whore to not
come to you and seek solace with another man.

No one twisted her arm- no one gave her reason for her actions except
herself.

YOU did nothing. Do NOT carry any guilt. SHE did it - her ACTIONS.

OP- it takes time and it sounds like you have a great support system.

If you start dating just tell the women up front your needs, disires and
wants out of a relationship - be honest, unlike your wife.
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 12
When does the pain end?
Posted: 8/30/2009 6:47:24 AM

Raybear63 on 8/30/2009 859 AM
....I have been in a caring role ....
. I gave up my career to....
she fell into chronic despair


Simply, as stated by others here, you gave up too much.
YOU gafve up YOURSELF.
You left hwe with no option.
She found NO ONE to love where you used to be
never give up your dream, for anything.
Never accept responsibility FOR another (only responsibilty is FOR yourself-AND YOUR MINOR CHILDREN. You are however responsible TO your spouse/society et al)

Get help for inner issues..and healing will be....
Good luck my friend;
many have walked this way before
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 13
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When does the pain end?
Posted: 8/30/2009 6:50:35 AM
The pain takes much longer to end than you'd like it to seems to be a good guideline. It took me about 6 month before I really began to feel human again, and another 6 months before I could say I was emerging. Google "stages of grief" - there ae seven of them and, as other posters have said, working through them is important in dealing with it. There were times where I wanted a remote to fast forward through my life so I could be through all of this crap, and not have to feel all of my feelings. I hung in with them because I didn't want to just get through the crap, I wanted to come through it well - whole, healthy, wiser.

About the only thing I think I can really tell you about it is that grief comes in waves. You are having a good day and then a feeling of sadness or anger or woe-is-me washes over you - seemingly out of nowhere. Well, sometimes it washes over you and sometimes it takes your legs out from under you, lol. This is normal... it's the way feelings work. They will pass.

The cliche "time heals" is actually correct. It takes living the time, putting one foot in front of the other... and gradually you feel better, you feel more like your old self, and maybe even some new self can finally find the freedom to emerge too.

Be kind to yourself as you live through these turbulent times.
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 14
When does the pain end?
Posted: 8/30/2009 7:00:31 AM
you still consider her your wife.
your question is When does the pain end?
yes, you are divorced..........................there is no marriage.
she will never be back
hate to say it
but if you move on
you need to be willing to give and go into something with someone 100%
get rid of that piece of paper and her sorry ar se.
 ileft
Joined: 4/25/2008
Msg: 17
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History
When does the pain end?
Posted: 8/30/2009 7:24:44 AM
Sorry to hear about your breakup. As usual bad things happen to good people. I guess with time things will get better. It's just gonna take time to adjust to being single and doing things on your own without someone else to consider. Have you thought about going to counseling to deal with the break up issues? It really might help you to unearth some things that could be holding you back from moving on as quick as you would hope.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 22
When does the pain end?
Posted: 8/30/2009 8:16:43 AM

Six months on, and I now have a decent job and more disposable cash than I`ve probably ever had. My daughters and my in laws have been magnificently supportive and I suppose life is looking up. So why do I feel so empty still?

You haven't processed your grief yet. Sometimes men don't "allow" themselves to feel the hurt and pain, and try to do the "stiff upper lip" thing. You need to just be alone and THINK about the issue, and cry if you need to. There is a great release in crying, even for men--or maybe even ESPECIALLY for men Were things really that great with your wife? How long had they been going downhill? Did she do you a favor by leaving, so you both can be happier in the long run?

Then focus on the good things: your supportive family and friends, your new success at work, etc.

Do not date anyone who wants a "serious" relationship, either, it won't end well (for her).
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 26
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When does the pain end?
Posted: 8/30/2009 9:20:54 AM
It will take a time to heal, I losed my husband thru death, now that I accepted that he was gone and had to move on,I become a stronger person to face a new level of life...
 kuddlekitty
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 30
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When does the pain end?
Posted: 8/30/2009 8:37:52 PM
Hi Raybear...
First let me say that you sound like a wonderful, loving person who devoted yourself to your wife. Please take pride in knowing that when you look back on your own life one day, you will know that you gave of yourself unselfishly and helped another human being. That in itself gives your life meaning.
Unfortunately, due to circumstances, perhaps your wife was so depressed by her own medical condition, that she associated you and your shared home with memories of not being well. When she ventured out, and met new people, maybe she felt they looked at her differently...not as a someone sickly...and she needed a new start.
I can understand this from a psychological viewpoint, but not from a place of love. I wish for you that it had turned out differently; I wish for you that she had been there through your medical crisis. Instead, you battled that as well, you're in a better place financially, and you have the love and support of your daughters. You truly have a lot going for you.
Start living and enjoying your life. Really enjoy it...for you. And when the time is right you'll know when you're ready to begin a new chapter romantically.
Whomever she will be will be a lucky lady.
Best to you.
 tbuddha
Joined: 2/28/2005
Msg: 31
When does the pain end?
Posted: 8/30/2009 8:42:50 PM
Raybear-

It sounds like your ex never took her VOWS seriously, though at least you can be thankful that she waited til your kids were grown to behave so childishly. All I can tell you is to study the negative effects of feminism and the female hypergamous instinct.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 37
When does the pain end?
Posted: 9/4/2009 11:45:50 AM
Look it is hard. It is even harder when the other person was going through some great difficulty in which you had to take care of them. The bottom line was that you two became out of sink. My gf was diagnosed with breast cancer, after her 4 session of Chemo, she left me. It hurts because you wanted to be there for them, but you can no longer be. As some had said, there was also something that you did. But that does not even matter, whatever you did it was not enough. So move on. Think ahead and actually think about it, she did you a favor.
 truth59
Joined: 5/9/2009
Msg: 39
When does the pain end?
Posted: 9/9/2009 8:03:48 PM
to all the wise that says it takes time, and they have no answer for that question above, they spoke truth. No one knows when the pain will end, but the bible says, changes happens to us all, so when the pain comes, the questions that you or no one seems to have an aswer for, the tears comes still, that ok, this too shall pass, pray, just pray. Too the one that mocks at your question because maybe they havnt been there, or maybe they have taken their pain and now turn it into bittness, pray, He done what a husband was suppose to do , and in the end, he will be the winner, so again my friend, pray, and let time and change happen.
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 40
When does the pain end?
Posted: 9/12/2009 9:34:40 PM
Hopefully, you will find a true sincere woman who is worthy of your loyalty and love
God Bless You. There are two paths in life a person can follow. The path of the devil or the path of God. Stay with the path of God and your rewards will eventually come. A woman like that does not deserve a good giving man. You need a Godly woman to love you.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 41
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History
When does the pain end?
Posted: 9/12/2009 9:45:56 PM
You sound like a good man who has a pretty good grasp on why this happened. The pain will take some time more than likely, just be sure not to hang onto it as an emotional release, and it will lessen with time. At some point you may even feel relieved and find you can move on in life without the ruts, if that happens, don't feel guilty, from your post you were a damn good husband, it doesn't sound like you did anything majorly wrong, you just got the shitty end of the stick. From your post you sound like a loyal and responsible person, those are very good qualities in a person.
 Stafford_Jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 48
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History
When does the pain end?
Posted: 9/14/2009 7:16:46 PM


You must be kidding with this comment. When someone in any relationship
cheats its on them - No - it doesnt take two - it takes ONE to have no
character, morals, integrity, honor or anything else that is of value in a
relationship.

Its not you - its her. This is all on her. This was her decision. This
was her cowardness.

She is plain and simple - a cheat and a liar and a selfish whore to not
come to you and seek solace with another man.

No one twisted her arm- no one gave her reason for her actions except
herself.

YOU did nothing. Do NOT carry any guilt. SHE did it - her ACTIONS.

OP- it takes time and it sounds like you have a great support system.

If you start dating just tell the women up front your needs, disires and
wants out of a relationship - be honest, unlike your wife.


Good advice here.

I was 10 years invested in my relationship when my ex-wife did something similar. It didn't take long before she found out the new guy, and the guy after him weren't prince charming.

Ironically she told me the last time we talked that life with me wasn't as bad as she made it out to be. She found out that the grass wasn't greener after all when the newness wore out in her new relationships. She was unhappy, pregnant, broke, and permanently tied to a guy she didn't want to be with anymore.

She's on her third marriage now. I haven't talked to her in 10 years now, but I'd be very surprised if she found happiness. She's probably still looking at the grass next pasture over.
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