|RulesPage 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4)|
|The only rule that makes 100% sense 100% of the time is rule #1.|
Never talk about fight club.
Posted: 9/2/2009 11:23:59 AM
|Don't let the rules, rule you.|
In an equal relationship no one has the rule.
To be straight I don't need a rule.
Shall we rule out rules?
Simple rule. "Do unto others..." oops, that won't work. Some treat others in a lousy way as they are used to it and expect the same for themselves.
Posted: 9/2/2009 11:42:41 AM
|OP - every single thing you said in your post, I don't do. NO RULES. If I like someone - I say so. If I want to see them - I say so. If I think it's time for a kiss - pucker up! I call or email if I want. If I want to do it twice an hour - I do. If I don't want to for 3 days - I don't. If I want to sleep with someone on the first date, or wait 6 months, whichever - that's what I do...|
See OP, that's how you end up with someone who is actually a match for you. And end up with someone who is secure in how you feel about them - and who you are, since you have been you all along!
EDIT: OP, what makes or breaks it is that the two people aren't right for each other.
Not because you called him - or waited too long for sex - or not long enough - or saw each other too often - or accepted a date for the same night...
Posted: 9/2/2009 11:53:30 AM
|Cookie Too many Two's|
Very well put post.
I agree wholeheartedly.
Too bad many others do not understand or follow your thoughts.
They are so busy doing what someone else has laid out and not showing their true self.
How can they find the right match.?
Posted: 9/2/2009 3:05:56 PM
|I have a lot of rules... except I colour them pretty by referring to them as criteria, red flags and preferences. |
There are things I absolutely will not tolerate, then there are things that I will absolutely not tolerate for a specific person... so basically, my rules are also dynamic.
Posted: 9/2/2009 3:15:37 PM
|"Ok, so everyone says there are no "rules" when it comes to dating, but c'mon, we all know there are. Funny thing is, almost all the rules we apply consititute "game-playing" ... i.e. ... don't be too available, don't see each other too many times in a week, don't kiss on the first date, don't have sex too soon, don't get clingy, etc.|
Do you have a "rule" that you think is the most important? For me, I try to keep from getting too intimate too soon, but as a lot of us know, sometimes that's a lot harder than thought. Is there one major thing that you think has helped keep you grounded in your previous relationships the best?"
Obviously the so-called rules are part of a game and we all know about it. Commonsense, unfortunately, doesn't apply here... How many times haven't you sent a text message without getting an answer within "reasonable" time for example? It's part of "not being available too much" rule. And yeah, the "not sex too early" rule and the list goes on... Sometimes the GAME bores the crap out of me. Most, if not all, dating gurus speak highly about it and how it's supposed to appeal more, make you more of a challenge, etc. etc. What about the day when you get tired of screwing around with game plans? At that point you've probably forgotten who you really are in the first place. Nobody wants to clown around 24/7 coming up with**** jokes, etc. Sooner or later you have to come out of the "closet" so to speak and show your true self anyway.
Posted: 9/2/2009 3:21:11 PM
|my rule is to trust my judgment, and act on it. if hers is too, well, maybe it's the start of something beeyooteefullll.|
at issue here are shadings of the word 'rules.' yes, let's hope we all have rules, because that means we have boundaries, and we're really screwed if we don't. the difference here is between absolute rules (no sex on first date, etc.) and situational rules (this person is attractive and apparently sane, i think i will kiss her ... vs. this person is an emotional cripple with no life skills, i know i will not kiss her).
Posted: 9/2/2009 8:19:01 PM
Do you have a "rule" that you think is the most important?
I have two:
1) Be completely honest.
2) Expect nothing less than complete honesty.
Posted: 9/3/2009 6:25:22 AM
|The over-riding one for me is "Do no harm".|
This simple rule is sometimes difficult because I bump up against 'what is harmful?'.
But, it has its benefits... it is really easy to remember and acts like a guideline in virtually every situation in life.
In practice it means I am aware of my own thoughts/feelings/needs and take care of them, for "do no harm" includes my care of me. It means I am honest about what's going on with me with the other person - because they need good information in order to judge how to take care of themselves in relating with me. After all, they are the experts on what is harmful, or not, for them and I'm not. It means I don't deliberately or knowingly do something that will put them in harm's way. Nice to have something that one can check if one's behaviour is in alignment.
When I blunder into something that does cause them discomfort, which is pretty much inevitable, humans being humans and all, I'm quick to apologise, or make amends. It is pretty effortless and doesn't require a whole lot of thought because the bottom line is I didn't intend to harm them and did. So, regardless of whether I agree with their interpretation, or not, it is very simple to apologise and pretty simple to file away as a behaviour not to repeat in the future because it doesn't work for them.
Now, the only point where it becomes a titch complicated is when the behaviour they 'don't like' is going to affect my taking care of me. Now we have a problem to solve... can we find a way to handle this so both of our needs are taken care of? People are pretty creative in problem solving together, and most problems in life don't have either person "wrong". In fact, in most situations both are 'right' about what their needs are. "Do no harm" is a pretty effective guideline to finding solutions that work for both people.
Posted: 9/3/2009 6:50:33 AM
|OK - I call semantics here...|
Rules TO ME means - third date sex, don't call him, don't be available the same night, etc. - which also (to me) qualifies as game playing.
Are there things I won't do? Well - I won't date a white supremicist (and with my very white skin they seem to just love me). I won't date an addict, alcoholic, or pedophile.
Are those rules? Not by my definition. Standards, maybe!
Posted: 9/3/2009 7:28:29 AM
|So - does that mean 6 calls is ok...but 7 is over the line???|
Posted: 9/3/2009 7:49:11 AM
1. If it makes you happy, do it.
2. If it feels good, do it again!
Posted: 9/3/2009 8:11:24 AM
|IDK Erinlove, I just don't see the point. If I want to talk to someone I call. Simple as that. I think a lot of these rules are because people don't want to be vulnerable - if you don't SHOW someone you are interested, and then it turns out they aren't - you can say who cares, I didn't want him anyway. If I'm interested - the gentleman in question knows it. |
My last "new" guy - we were emailing each other all day, the day we were going to meet, counting down the hours and talking about the butterflies...WAY more than 3 there! And that was how it continued, every day. Eventually we parted ways, for a variety of reasons - which we discussed openly and honestly. Complete vulnerability!
If you don't risk it - how can you get to happily ever after?
Posted: 9/3/2009 1:44:50 PM
|*phew* wait until my sweetie gets a gander at this list:|
Out of shape
Bald = check
Short = check (well, at 5'8" he is short by POF standards, not mine LOL)
Broke = check
Fat = nope
Out of shape = nope
Not funny = nope
Hey, the love of my life is a 50 percenter!!! woo-hoo
Posted: 9/3/2009 8:32:46 PM
|I would think that to say that there are rules in dating, we would all have to follow the same rules. Pretty sure we don't. Besides rules tend to sound controling, kind of like an employee handbook or a dating handbook in this case, which doesn't exist.|
I don't have rules but do have preferences, some which I am determined to keep and others that I can compromise on or let go all together. The idea is to find someone who has the same preferences.
Posted: 9/4/2009 1:25:11 PM
|Tina, do you subscribe to the third date rule?|
Posted: 9/4/2009 5:19:03 PM
So, ItMargo, your man isn't short if he's 5'8", he's "Normal".
oh no zeke, that is SO not true. He's not at all 'Normal'.
Personally I find it hard to believe people have rules about things like height.
(But it works out for me to take their under 6 ft 'rejects' so I suppose I really shouldn't complain.)
Similarly, I have trouble buying into things like 'wait 3 days to call' or 'women shouldn't call men'. That stuff, as far as I can tell, does little to enhance my life and tends to block a bunch of life from happening. If I'm feelin' it, I'm doin' it.
(BTW zeke, my sweetie is a giant among men)
^^ I actually typed that with a straight face!! LMAO
Posted: 9/4/2009 11:17:33 PM
|don't date druggies, smokers, alcoholics, staunch republicans or religious kooks. those are my basic rules. oh yeah, and don't date someone who was born a dude. that's an important one for me =P|