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 DeepLuv09
Joined: 7/24/2009
Msg: 2
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
The only real dealbreaker for me is when the relationship turns TOXIC i.e there are many arguments and sabotage in the relationship. I can be with a boring guy forever as long as he is not trying to intefere with my life by playing mental games that sidetrack me from my first love i.e. my own life lol!

Matter of fact, I am looking for a boring guy I can be roomates with forever.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 5
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/5/2009 9:22:24 PM

He thought you should remain with somebody if you really love them no matter what...

By his reasoning, he should have married you.

As for me, I don't know. Before this arises I'd hafta get together with someone who can handle starting a relationship! One thing at a time...
 StevieCashmere
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 6
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Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 12:28:51 AM
It happens all the time (not to me), typically when a 20s couple are in a relstionship 30 approaches or passes and then 1 of them want children more than the relationship
...and et voila
~sc~
 A_wild _rose
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 7
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Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 12:57:41 AM
I dont know if wanting to be married would be a deal breaker for me. I think not being on the same page with emotions or be commited to each other on the same level would be my deal breaker. Yes I would want my SO to love me enough to honor me with his name, as I am old fashion in that belief. but equal emotional feeling for each other needs to be established before any talk of marriage or livng together can even begin.
If I were married, then if someone does not love me enough to make the commitment to go to councelling to help the relationship. then I would be wasting my time and selling myself short. So expecting things to become better would be futile . So it would be better to suffer the hurt alone than suffer the hurt of hanging on to a no win impossible to fix situation. So I would get a divorce, and try to find the love I need in some one else. But walking away would be very hard to do.
 dbguy79
Joined: 5/7/2009
Msg: 8
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Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 2:07:02 AM
I know and really respected a girl who did this. She wanted to settle down and start a family and the guy liked to party on the weekends and wasn't ready to get married. Girl moved out and broke it off with a guy she loved. Takes a lot of character to do that in my opinion. Said girl is now happily married to another guy who wanted the same things as her.
 busterrm
Joined: 4/7/2006
Msg: 10
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Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 2:37:14 AM
Karen, I am sorry it ended with your last BF, but hun you have to listen to how he feels about it. I had a similar situation happen to me, when I was young and loved my wife very much, she was so distructive to me and our relationship as man and wife. If this was his first marriage it will take some time for him to feel the need to be married to you. Another thing is that why is there a need to be married, if you loved him I would have waited it out. Eventually he would have married you and it would have been because he wanted to rather than you needing to be married.
It just seems that the ladies need to be married. Men on the other hand just want to be loved and respected for who they are. I have a friend, he and his lady have been together for 20 years and have never gotten married. You have never seen two people more in love and devoted to one another. They have 3 children together, and neither have have ever been married. So, to the root question I would say, no, if you love this person then let nature take its course and don't force a marriage that could be a bad decision. Commitment isn't a piece of paper or a gold ring, its the feeling that two people share within their hearts. That is more powerful than anything else.
 *Sanscheyle*
Joined: 3/2/2009
Msg: 12
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 5:34:18 AM

If you were in a relationship for about a year, and you wanted marriage, and your SO other did not - would you end the relationship?


Absolutely! I've been single for 26 years because I hadn't felt that connection with anyone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. When I met the love of my life last year, all that changed. It's simply natural to want to marry the person that you love, is it not? Regardless of our past relationships, when you find the right man/woman then every hurt, insecurity and bad memory of others just fades away....at least it did for me.

If I were married for 5 years and my partner was taking me for granted then I doubt seriously that I would have married him in the first place. With the guy I'm seeing right now, every minute with him is like a holiday (and we've been together for about 8 and a half months now) so I can't even imagine it being any different in the future.

Sans
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 13
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 6:05:16 AM
That's the idea. If you are in a relationship with someone and you want marriage and the other does not, that means you are not compatible, so yeah you leave. Okay to me wanting marriage after a year is pretty short personally., I guess if the people have been living together for that year maybe, but if they have just been dating living separately then it's short. I have a buddy who said" he would not date a girl unless she was marriage material" because what's the point of dating a girl if you do not intend to marry her? lol, he is crazy. Yes, i could see myself divorcing someone for whatever reason we can't get along and the other person does not want to work it out.
 whatsallthis
Joined: 5/1/2008
Msg: 15
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 7:03:51 AM
If I could find someone who would put up with me for a year, I would be amazed. If I found someone who actually wanted to spend the rest of their life with me, I would be frightened as to their mental stability and ability to reason.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 16
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Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 7:31:33 AM
Yep. Otherwise, you're both going to make each other miserable.
 wileygy
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 17
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Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 7:48:30 AM
as i get older ....and hopefully wiser,i put more emphasis on actions rather than words.
while i'm not opposed to marrying again i believe for most people it's just a formality......more words than anything.afterall,it's simply a contract that can be broken for any given reason....or no reason at all.

my ex and i lived together a few years before we got married.i firmly believe she wanted marriage as a symbol more than anything.she made no bones about it either.when we finally got married nothing changed......except her last name.i think we were married as long as we were solely for the sake of keeping the family intact......which is pretty much the reason my parents stayed married for almost 25 years.for me it got to the point that after years of fighting and bickering there was no happiness left and nothing left to fight over.
my dad met a woman and they lived together for 20 or so years until he died a couple years ago.they never married but i believe they were 100% compatable and truly in love.what i saw in their relationship was love,devotion,caring and mutual respect.i believe they had the perfect marriage....less the piece of paper.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 18
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 8:05:30 AM
So U care about them enough to marry, but if they dont immediately agree itz so long ?
In that case, Id say a person who answers yes to that question, has serious control issues. Also an interesting idea of love and commitment.

" I love U soooo much, if U dont marry me Im leaving U. "


Ah, yes, the relativity of women's love.

" I love you and always will. You are my soulmate, you say I am yours, you love me and always will, but I'm leaving you because the guy over there said he'd marry me...." ...

I think this is one of those reaons men SHOULD be committed...

.... as in committed for a head examination if they decide to actually GET married...

 2fuzy
Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 20
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 8:13:27 AM
I do not get the need to validate a relationship with paper as the only benefit is to lawyers later and it seems to me to screw up more relationships than it helps and in no way insures any level of commitment
That said partners must have a common goals for what they both want in life or move on
 casperella
Joined: 10/30/2006
Msg: 21
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 8:28:06 AM
I stopped seeing someone because he didnt have children and wanted them. I have 2 that are teenagers now and have no desire to start over again with diapers and bottles and no sleep etc..... So he goes and gets somebody else pregnant and wants to keep seeing me! WHAT? Anyways thats over and now he has child support for twins. Maybe I should've posted this story as a forum
 mechele99
Joined: 8/11/2006
Msg: 22
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 8:33:21 AM
I ended a relationship almost 6 months ago, we were together off and on for 10 years.
I wanted to get married and he did not. I wish him the best.
 Devilsfan58
Joined: 3/19/2009
Msg: 23
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Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 8:35:31 AM

If you were in a relationship for about a year, and you wanted marriage, and your SO other did not - would you end the relationship? (I use 1 year as my measuring point, because by that point, you should know if they are someone you can live with and build a life with.)


Not necessarily. I value the other persons input and reasoning. I have never ever been 100 percent right much to my chagrin. If I was younger it would be easier, but it might not be the right decision. At this age...Hell no.

Love the one your with. The grass is not always greener on the other side.


If you were married for about 5 yrs, and your partner was taking you for granted and not putting any effort into the marriage, and refused to attend ANY kind of counselling, would you file for divorce? (I use 5 years as my measuring point for marriage, as statistically, that is usually when the "honeymoon" period is over, and the 4th year has one of the highest divorce rates.) If you are not married and never have been, could you see yourself divorcing for this reason?


Ages, income level, children? How much time did you have invested together before you got married?

I do question the benefits of counseling though. Things that have/had been resolved are brought back to the surface and rehashed quite often reinjuring one or both parties and possibly adding even more fuel to a fire that was out a long time ago and forgotten about or resolved. Individual counseling...maybe.
 minako79
Joined: 1/15/2009
Msg: 26
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 11:02:27 AM
if i was meant to have children, yes i would leave my partner if he and i didn't have the same life goals.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 27
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 11:48:08 AM
I have experienced that a lot of single people in the dating world, who have no friggin idea what they are looking for, or what qualities they desire in a partner - they just don't want to be alone. When it comes to the type of relationship they are looking for, its the same and many have not thought that far in advance.

We do ourselves a great dis-service by not knowing what we have to offer, what we are looking for in a potential mate, and the type of relationship we desire.

I know what I am looking for, and with the right person, marriage is my goal. I would never live with a man, as I believe that if I'm good enough to live with, I'm good enough to marry.

I was married twice, my first was less than 5 years with no children, and he was a cheater. That didn't work for me, so I left. Number 2 was over 20 years and with children. We grew apart and I decided that was not how I wanted to spend the rest of my life, so I left. I know what I have to offer the right man and what type of man I want to be with and in what type of relationship. I'm good being single, and would enjoy an enhanced life with the right man. However, this is me and my opinion.

We all want different things from different people, so the line about needing to kiss a lot of toads/toadettes has meaning.
 tigerdreamer
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 28
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 11:50:00 AM
For those who say the paper doesn't make a difference, then why do you resist it? If your partner wants it and it doesn't matter, then why not?
I do think it is about compatability issues. JustinFoote did a good job of explaining it. It may be more difficult to make that decision at one year if the question is about that person, but if up front the person says I never intend to marry than you shouldn't be dating that person.


For me it's just an issue of deciding if "marriage" helps the relationship. Based on observations, a lot of people change the relationship unnecessarily when they get married. "Hey, wait! You can't do that anymore! We're MARRIED!" If I bond myself to someone, it'd be because I like the way the dynamic works... a sudden shift in it would be counterproductive.

If that is the reasoning than you shouldn't sleep with your partner, or move in with them or any other "shift." They all produce a change in the relationship. Life is about change.
 justagirl99
Joined: 12/19/2008
Msg: 30
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 12:31:56 PM
As others have mentioned, I would hope that during the first few months of the relationship that this would have been discussed (for or against), but it doesn't necessarily mean that their views wouldn't change.

I don't think one should stay with the person in the hopes that this would. I once dated someone who stated they would "never" get married, we ended the relationship, and he's now married. I think that you shouldn't see "never" as "never", however see "never" as "will not marry you".

In regards to to the second part, married for 5 years, and your partner taking you for granted etc. Where I am not, nor have not been married, to answer this question is not impossible, but not easily predictable either.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 31
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Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 12:54:41 PM
Marriage to me is the ultimate form of commitment to one another. If I wanted it and my partner did not then it would be a deal breaker.
But after a divorce I do not think one year is enough time to decide to get hitched again. Hopefully it would be well thought out and all issues regarding money and children would be decided first.
 cheerilystrawberry
Joined: 4/15/2009
Msg: 32
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 12:56:24 PM
Yes, marriage and children are my ultimate goal and I would leave my SO if he wouldn't take the step, no matter how much I loved him.

A lot of people will scoff and say that it's 'just a piece of paper'. And while that's true, it's a very IMPORTANT piece of paper that offers a lot of financial and legal benefits.

As for divorce, unless my husband was acting hostile towards me and the children, I would do my best to ride it out. Every relationship goes through it's rough patches - I've known a lot of couples that stayed together despite a few difficult years and they appear to be better off for it.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 34
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Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 1:50:39 PM
First of all, I'm ambivalent about marriage, so I wouldn't end a relationship if he wasn't the marrying kind... I guess his clarity would just resolve my own push-pull over the subject. But this...

If you were in a relationship for about a year, and you wanted marriage, and your SO other did not - would you end the relationship?

One year isn't long enough for me to know anything other than "is this going well and do I want to keep seeing him?"
Somewhere around 2 years is where it begins to look to me like we might have a future together.
I'm a little slow that way, I guess. I like to live with the feeling for a while to make sure it wasn't a passing fancy.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 35
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 2:06:55 PM
I have been involved in several relationships that ended after 6 months when I realized that he was not interested in marriage and I was, or he wanted to marry me and I realized that I was not interested in marrying him. My role models have been my parents who dated 3 months before becoming engaged and married 6 months later, my sister said she and her husband discussed marriage after a few months, and my brother and his wife started dating and were married within 7 months. I guess it could depend on if someone was in school or not divorced yet or some other things had to be worked out, but I am not going to waste my time with someone when it is obvious after a few dates or months that he and I are not on the same page as far as both wanting to get married.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 36
Would you leave a relationship because you wanted marriage and your SO didn't?
Posted: 9/6/2009 3:29:53 PM
I can understand those that have never been married to want the whole marriage thing, but quiet frankly marriage is not on my list of priorities, at all actually. I've been there, had my kids, held a marriage for 12 years, and got out of it due to unforeseen circumstances...

Would it be fair to reject marriage if my partner wanted it so much? My decision would be purely based on why he feels a marriage would seal our commitment?
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