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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age      Home login  
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 KinChandlerAz
Joined: 8/13/2009
Msg: 1
Dating a couple people but not having sex at our agePage 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
I'm just a little shy of the 45 year old mark, so I hope it's okay I post this. If not I presume it will be deleted...

I've been wondering if, overall, we do this thing differently than younger people. That is the multiple dates without sex. Or with sex I guess.

In my book dating more than one person at a time is just that: DATING. And ONLY dating. Not sex. Am I so unusual in thinking there is nothing wrong with dating a couple guys at the same time, but not having sex with either of them? Meaning that there is no sex going on with me and anyone else, until the point we have the "mutually exclusive" talk. At that point I let the other guy go and just see the one guy. And have great sex of course!

I'm not saying anyone else's rules dictate what I do, but I DO like to hear other people's opinions on this, especially if the vast majority of people my age assume I'm NOT going on dates with a different guy. It seems ridiculous for me to preface my dates by saying "you do realize I'm having dinner tomorrow with a different guy I'm dating." That would be stupid. But the alternative is to just do it, as I'm my own person, and say nothing. Saying nothing until something gets a little more serious with a guy.

I have no problem at all if a guy I'm dating is seeing other women. As long as he's not screwing them. If he's having sex then I'm out of the picture.

What does a guy in his 40's think about this? Do you think our age comes into play on this issue? I think it does, but I could be wrong. I think the difference, when it comes to age, is that we've mellowed with our exclusivity and have room to give some space to the people we date. i.e. we're not 19 year old children who just can't LIVE without their date/boyfriend/FWB, etc.
 Seven1234
Joined: 7/11/2009
Msg: 2
Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 3:13:04 AM
I love this thread!

I am dating "multiples" at this point in my life. Why? Because one guy only sees me when he feels like it. The other one is screwed up over his ex. One of them: I have no idea what he's doing......

They are all great guys! (wish I was being sarcastic)

Why on earth would I commit to exclusivity with someone who has issues?
Don't get me wrong: I would love to have a relationship with someone who is "ready", so far..hasn't happened!

BTW: I think at this point "sex" is irrelevant

I can't wait to see responses to this thread!

L
 Seven1234
Joined: 7/11/2009
Msg: 3
Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 3:43:26 AM
Daffie: Your a funny Girl! *hugs*
I'm in the same boat......and to make matters worse, they all start with the letter "J"
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 4
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Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 5:13:37 AM
What is the point of "dating"?

If you are in it for variety of experiences and a good time only, then go for it, but do not be the slightest bit surprised if you find out the the guy is finding sexual satisfaction elsewhere, and that he drops you after a relatively few dates.

I would think that "dating" on a site like this means searching for a possible sexual partner, and during that process you very likely have to date quite a few candidates.

Really, there are "friends" and "activity partner" categories if all you want is a companion to do things with. If you are 45+ and still hung up about sex like you were in High School, you really are not doing anyone any favours by claiming to be looking for a date.
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 5
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Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 5:31:13 AM

Sorry sweetheart, you can't have your cake and eat it too... if you aren't exclusively dating a guy, then what he does and doesn't do is absolutely none of your business. You are just a date.


Only this? I first read your post incorrectly. I thought you meant that once sexual with someone, it was ok for them to also be sexual with others! My bad! lol...

But after re-reading, I see your point. If you are dating multiples but not engaging in a sexual rendesvous with them, then if they in fact are having relations with someone else, it should not be your issue. I would hope that once sex enters the picture, that both parties would refrain from doing the same with others. I had a question though? If you do have sex with someone of interest, and you go out and date others, without the sex, is that ok? So many questions, so little time!
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 6
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Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 5:47:39 AM

So are you saying she should be having sex with them all?


Not at all. She should manage her sex life as she sees fit. I am only saying that if you are not looking for a sexual partner, then its not dating in the sense I think it is used here.

I also think it somewhat inevitable when looking for a sexual partner that you eventually end up going for a few road tests before something permanent clicks. You can find a person quite enthralling and still end up discovering that they are not sexually pleasing, at least that has been my experience. The reverse is also quite true. You can find a wonderful sexual connection with a person who is totally unsuitable in other ways.

I know of no solution to these problems other than "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 7
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Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 4:10:55 PM
Oh, daffie, I know you're from down under, but you don't have to be backwards as well (leave that to us hicks from the sticks - who don't know from outhouses) and get yourself one of then new fangled devices called an iPhone - you can talk and keep track of your dates (and their names) all in one teeny device. There's also Blackberries, and my fav - generic PDAs. I've got a Palm t/x . works great. Uses less juice than my own brain, too.

Just helpin'

TK
{use to use birch bark and mah Arkansas Toothpick, but gave that up after that last run in with them beavers. hoo wee!}
 KinChandlerAz
Joined: 8/13/2009
Msg: 8
Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 7:20:43 PM

If you are in it for variety of experiences and a good time only, then go for it, but do not be the slightest bit surprised if you find out the the guy is finding sexual satisfaction elsewhere, and that he drops you after a relatively few dates.

I would think that "dating" on a site like this means searching for a possible sexual partner, and during that process you very likely have to date quite a few candidates.

Really, there are "friends" and "activity partner" categories if all you want is a companion to do things with. If you are 45+ and still hung up about sex like you were in High School, you really are not doing anyone any favours by claiming to be looking for a date.


I AM looking for a serious relationship. One that includes sex. But that doesn't mean I'm going to have sex with someone I date right away. Sex means more to me than that.

What I mean, when I say if he's seeing other women, is that if he's not EXCLUSIVE with another woman then we're just doing the same thing: DATING.

Obviously there isn't "one" way to do all this, just as we are all different so goes our dating choices.

It's nice to see other women have the same approach. And yes, if a guy is having sex with another woman, and he's dating me, then he won't be around very long. Because if he just wants to screw then he can stick with that other woman. I just KNOW that when meeting perfect strangers it is foolish to jump in bed with them before you really know who they are. THAT is what dating is for, in my book: getting to know someone while learning if they are the one I want to have an intimate relationship with. Period. I don't date for the sake of dating, or to have some guy buy me a meal. It's to get to know them. And that takes TIME. Time I'm willing to invest. Just have to find the guy I want to be with who ALSO wants to invest time. To get something precious...not to get laid and move on.
 KinChandlerAz
Joined: 8/13/2009
Msg: 9
Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 7:29:04 PM
Cappy Hamper:
Dating several people without sex is the bare minimum respect that should be given to others. Where is the line drawn, though? If you are playing a little grab ass and some tonsil hockey with several, if not all- would this be ok for everyone involved?


EXACTLY. Where IS the line drawn? And do we all have different "lines" in the sand that we make? I know what my line is, and I guess because I think it's reasonable then I figure everyone else should agree with me. Ridiculous now that I think about it!

There's some confusion here that makes it sound like I'm just having guys take me out to date for the sake of dating. Not true. Not in my case. I'm saying that dating IS the precursor to intimacy with someone. And unless you date someone you can't decide if you want to be intimate. But from reading about "the new dating rules" here on the forums, as it were, it seems like some people are saying "sex first, THEN dating." That's just ridiculous. And how VALUABLE is sex if it's handled this way?

It cheapens sex. And that cheapens relationships. I don't want a cheap relationship. I want one where we're mutually invested in building intimacy. That doesn't seem like too much to ask.
 KinChandlerAz
Joined: 8/13/2009
Msg: 10
Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 7:47:52 PM
Piano:
But I know fairly early enough now if I want to pursue anything further even after a few dates. And after that, I STILL wait on the 'sex' part if there finally is a 'chemical reaction' with one. I'm actually corny enough to think the 'twenty date rule' from the 40 Year Old Virgin as actually being a REALLY GOOD IDEA.


I LOVE that "twenty date rule" from the 40 Year Old Virgin. Or the "90 day period before benefits" rule. It's encouraging to know that there's at least one guy out there that thinks along the same lines. I'm sure there are more!

And it really does just take a couple dates to know if you want to start getting exclusive. I wasn't talking about months of casually dating multiple men.

Piano it's not corny at all. I think it's pretty smart and it lends itself to a much healthier start to a mutually satisfying relationship!
 KinChandlerAz
Joined: 8/13/2009
Msg: 11
Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/11/2009 9:04:37 PM
I forgot to mention in my original post, and it has been pointed out to me that I did not, I am NOT comfortable with dating more than one person at a time. My question comes from trying to figure out how to move beyond a first meeting with someone after I've accepted a date with another man in the future.

Another poster likened it to Let's Make a Deal, where you have to pick one curtain. I don't want to land in that position...and am trying to figure out how to avoid that very thing! Ugh...if dating today comes to picking a curtain, then it IS too freakin complicated huh?!
 ankkka
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 12
Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 6:13:53 AM
Well...at age 41 I had my best time of marriage...my youngest child was still a baby...but sex life was wonderful... so I can't even imagine how you can date a lot of people...
where are your criteria to meet the one...right man for you?
At this age I thought I'm the only ONE in millions...
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 13
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Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 6:57:11 AM

...you can talk and keep track of your dates (and their names) all in one teeny device. There's also Blackberries, and my fav - generic PDAs. I've got a Palm t/x . works great.


Tarnished, is there a special Palm program that helps you keep track of all the people? i'd like to load it on my Palm Pilot!!!

 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 14
Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 12:44:18 PM
"not having sex at our age"

"not having sex at our age"

"not having sex at our age"

I don't know what planet everyone else lives on but ........

I tried that. I tried to date without having sex ............... good luck with that.

These days it is shoved right in your face ----- from all directions.

It seems to just be part of the date ...... like having some coffee or something. Just part of the date ......... aak
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 15
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Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 1:20:50 PM
there are all kinds of people OP. it doesn't change by age necessarily. i am like you. however, i never dated as much in my younger years. back then, you met your mate and that was it. now, people are more saavy and cautious and need some time to figure out if s/he is the "one". yes, for me, it will be "one".

how long does that take? assuming some sort of initial chemistry, it will build or fade relatively quickly for me. lately, i've dated men who i met in social circles or as friends. so, i knew them a lot better. the one who lasted the longest did not even strike my imagination as a mate, until i got to know him as a friend. then alas, i got to know him more and despite his sincere intentions, clearly he is not ready for what i am ready for, due to an unexpected sudden death of his wife at age 53 almost two years ago. they were only married a short time, but nonetheless, he is not ready.

i am a one man person and weaning myself from a relationship is hard for me to do. over time, i tend to keep the men in my life as friends. but, i think that is because there is no new man in my life, aside from the "dates".

now, there are women, who my male buddies tell me are relatively sexless and just want to date to get a free meal and nite out. for me, those men are friends and i pay my own way. i have an ever widening social circle, so i don't need to behave out of desperation or loneliness.

to me, sex is a very sacred thing. but, like fine dining, some are willing to settle for mcdonald's instead (my friend's husband's line). so, do what you do, be true to yourself. every horny, indiscriminating man or woman will certainly try to hop in the sack. then there are the supposedly nice ones, who turn out to be ax murderer's!

where i live, polyamory is the latest rage. this area was the seat of the old hippie movement and also a university town. way too much booze and drugs. however, the young people are having the same dilemnas and problems dating, as the older people! see, it pays to be a late in life mom and so i get the scoop! most of the people into it, are relatively not that attractive in my opinion and maybe just desperate. but, as was pointed out to me, many of them screw around less amongst each other, than the serial daters! then, there is the constant stream of milfers, swimming upstream like a school of salmon. for me, it gets tiring at times and i just take a time out.

so, just sharpen your female intuition, know that there is very wide range of acceptablity amongst people between cultures and within cultures. a man will know if you are sensual/sexual by your touch and behavior (and vice versa. then there is the issue of the grey matter, a large contributor to making chemistry long term.

in addition, if you get to know him, you will both be talking about your past experiences and what you are looking for and the current approaches that you are each taking. don't settle, don't take advantage and have integrity. communicate and most important, find a man who is able to also communicate. the rest will work itself out. i truly believe that, having survived and learned from so many things in my life!

ps there is the small town issue. it can be embarrassing to trip over one date, while out with another--let alone to be in the same groups! so, that must be handled with care and one of the reasons, i cannot just drop someone unless there is closure and ahimsa (without harm). well, i can only do my half of that!
 cotter
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 16
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Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 4:22:23 PM
I have no interest in dating more than one man at a time ... for many reasons. Also if I find out that a man I'm dating is seeing other women ... I just break it off and let him go his merry way. That just leaves that much more time for him to see the "other women".

If I'm prepared to dedicate my time to one man ... long enough to find out if he could be the one (you know, just focus on him), then I think that's the least he could do. On the other hand if all he's interested in getting his dipstick wet ... too bad.

I'm with the others when they say ... "If he really likes me and wants to have more than a friendship, then he will wait until I am ready. If not, then keep going. My feelings won't be hurt."

Most certainly at this age ... while I can be a very sexual person, I'm in it for much more than just the physical aspect. If he has no patience to wait, then he's probably not the man for me.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 17
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Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 4:35:37 PM
I think it true that if he really likes you, he will wait until you are ready. However, competition for available men is, as far as I can tell, severe, at least in my neck of the woods. He may really like you, but some other woman can easily come along and win him away with her sexual pleasures while you are making up your mind.

I am sure you will say something along the lines of "He as not for me anyway, who cares..."

But, you know, you do care, and loosing him to another is not necessary or pleasant. If you want something, you have to go after it.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 18
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Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 5:05:07 PM
They don't call you frigid if they move on, they don't call you at all.

I really doubt that they call you easy either. Men, in general, almost never comment on the sexual aspects of women they have known, at least in my experience. Its very rare that they will even discuss the fact that they had a date with any specific woman, and certainly almost unheard that they would talk about how she is in bed.
 cotter
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 19
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Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 7:03:52 PM

I really doubt that they call you easy either. Men, in general, almost never comment on the sexual aspects of women they have known, at least in my experience. Its very rare that they will even discuss the fact that they had a date with any specific woman, and certainly almost unheard that they would talk about how she is in bed.
My 33-year old nephew just reminded me that there truly are men out there who are classy enough that they do not comment on the sexual aspects of women they have known.

I must admit that I know several men who really do fall into that category, but I think we tend to forget we know them when we come in here and see/read all the brash (tasteless) testimonials of men who are so very open and critical of women.

Personally, I could care less what the men think of me. If they think I'm "frigid" just because I don't "put out" when they think I should ... then it's their loss. I know for certain that I'm not guilty of being labeled "easy".
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 20
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Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 7:18:34 PM
"If he really likes me and wants to have more than a friendship, then he will wait until I am ready. If not, then keep going. My feelings won't be hurt."

It takes me time to find out if it is more than initial chemisty and find out if there is a solid foundation to build upon. I expect it to take him time, too ... which he might not want to take, but that isn't my concern unless we get to the point of my being ready to be intimate and he isn't yet. So, quickly to initmacy isn't for me.

Haven't had the problem of 2 dating options but if I did then I consider dating a discovery time and not a committment time ... for either of us. We are free to go meet other people and learn about them ... which is what dating is.

Not hurt ... but disappointed ... regardless of why a date doesn't grow to the next thing.
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 21
Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 8:58:59 PM
Oh Frau, I am so with you. If a man is so rushing, ie tapping his foot (or any semblence of)...which often appears like a dog's leg thump thump thumping...while being scratched while giving me the rush, then I know he's all about immediate gratification and not into getting to know what I nor anyone is about. I'm done and am all about Sparky as we all have more meaningful things in our lives...even if it is cleaning the bathroom bowl.
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 22
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Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 9:06:09 PM
If its dating people are generally up to something after a while. Most of us have lots of buds of the guy/girl type that are only that - but they are not dating. Having a few afternoon walks, taking in a movie. - all that dating junk leads to the same place as it did when we were 17. Otherwise its just hanging out with friends.
 MondoVman
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 23
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Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 9:11:27 PM
Third-to-fifth date protocol for me is a direct communication of our expectations of sex and timing. Does each forsee/want casual sex soon or in the future? What is each person's parameters and time table for exclusiveness? Meaning, I maintain healthy decisions to potentially date multiple women non-exclusively for up to six months without sex, and on a case by case basis. Petting, fondling, and casual intercourse with protection are good for all involved.
 KinChandlerAz
Joined: 8/13/2009
Msg: 24
Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 11:31:04 PM
MondoVman :
Third-to-fifth date protocol for me is a direct communication of our expectations of sex and timing. Does each forsee/want casual sex soon or in the future? What is each person's parameters and time table for exclusiveness?

MONDO! great thing you brought up there, 3-5th date conversation about the direction of relationship! Thank you! I've been stumped about how to handle a situation at that point. Easier said than done!!! Srsly! I can't be the ONLY one who is uncertain about getting into that pickle. I can talk, no problem, but I've learned that sometimes honesty is not the best policy. Disgusting but true.



BACK TO ORIGINAL TOPIC RESPONSES...
I'm NOT talking about going on multiple dates for months just to be taken out and shown a good time. Not at all. I'm talking about being interested in more than one person at the same time. Face it, when we're doing online meets it could happen that there's an overlap when you're getting to know more than one person. So what's the healthy/wise/respectable/kind choice to make then?

EXAMPLE: Guy meets girl at Trader Joe's and asks her out. They go on 2 dates. Just good night kisses. She's sizing him up, he's doing the same. He's been on match.com for months, he's got a couple ladies he wants to meet with, and one he just met with and wants to ask out. Does he go ahead and ask out the one he met? Does he go ahead and meet the online ladies? After all you never know! Or does he drop the online babes and keep dating the one from the store? Or does he keep dating and getting to know the girl he met thru match AND the one he met in person?

Do you eliminates one person right away so there's no "multitasking dating" or do you eliminate any new people after you've had ONE date with someone else? Or if you go on ____ dates you drop all contact with others? And what is that "X" number?

I know there's no rule, it's not a contract. I'm talking about what is healthy and wise. I'm trying to think of the really great reasons why it is bad to accept a date when you've gone on a couple dates with someone else already.

Obviously, as this thread shows, we're all different. And some people make healthy choices. Some make choices that are respectful of others, others not so much. I'm going to go with what seems right to me, but after watching a couple friends go through this, I'm getting my own game plan set in my mind. I don't want to hurt or disrespect ANYONE. Most of all myself.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 25
Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/13/2009 1:18:43 AM
Everyone go read message 52 again.

That ....... has always worked for me.

That ....... will be the (the way it works) next LTR if there ever is one.

That ...... is the way it has always been for me and ......... my relationships lasted MUCH longer than average.

People should be able to tell if it is a potential REAL 2 way match .......... almost instantly.

Dating ....... smating
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