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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?      Home login  
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 2
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?Page 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
The house has nothing to do with it. His mother is trying to break up your marriage and he is letting her. She might have seized on any issue for the purpose; it merely happened to be this one.

Taking your other thread into consideration along with this, I strongly suggest that you allow this to happen.
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 4
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 9:52:58 AM

I always remember the quote, "Home is Where the Heart Is?" Is his heart not here and why not?

OP: Between this post and the other about accepting or not accepting his pot smoking, I don't know what to think of your marriage.................

You can't possibly think posting your marital problems on here, and asking for advice on "is his heart not here and why not?" can be answered by a bunch of strangers that have NO IDEA what is going on with you two.

Go for professional help of some sort.
Joined: 12/15/2008
Msg: 5
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 9:54:59 AM
Him asking the question about what might happen is not a bad thing.

The house in your Mother's name means that it is her house. You and he are paying rent. In the case of divorce, he would get nothing.

I'd be a little concerned too, but what choice does he have. If his credit is such that y'all can't go get a house in your (both) name, then be happy that Mom is helping out!
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 7
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 10:08:05 AM

The house in your Mother's name means that it is her house. You and he are paying rent. In the case of divorce, he would get nothing.

Agreed. Legally he is entitled to nothing. He is essentially paying rent. I understand why he/his mother is concerned.

If you TRUELY feel that it is both of your homes and that your mother would not exercise her rights anyways, have her sell it to you BOTH at a low cost. Problem solved.
 big pacific
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 10
view profile
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 10:15:55 AM
Wait what? Maria, you are fecking insane.

You want to know why a guy who

1. Is controlled by his wife to the point of her telling him what he can and can't do
2. Is splitting the bills
3. Paying the mortgage
4. Doesn't OWN the house, isn't even on the note
5. Has to listen to someone nag him about drugs (when she knew he did them previously)

Isn't happy? WTF. You want him to pay and not be on the title? If the roles were reversed you don't think the married woman would deserve the right to at least own what she was buying?

You call him a user and abuser because he wants to have a financial stake in what his money is purchasing?

You are why divorce skyrockets in this country. Your expectation of everyone to live up to standards you wouldn't even apply to yourself. God if he was the one who was a woman you'd be saying he had a right to everything.

You think it's ok for her to have OUR bills but not OUR house? Jeebus.

Christ this thread is depressing.
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 13
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 10:25:16 AM

if nothing else, keep the house loan (deed) in your mothers name because rest assured, there is going to be a divorce here and probably sooner than later.


...don't move out of the house, let him move out....he's a SOB.

He already moved out. And now he can look at naked pictures of his friend's daughter, and anybody else's daughter, to his heart's content.

I agree about getting rid of his belongings and changing the locks, too. No telling what might be in his stuff that's illegal. I wasn't kidding about the underage porn, on your other topic.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 14
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 10:29:19 AM
Is this the same guy that chose pot over you, likes to look at underage porn?
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 17
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 11:14:07 AM
Face it, he is PLANNING on divorcing you and is trying to line up his share. Get out now. For your information, if he is wracking up debt - you will be liable once you do divorce. If you file now, BEFORE he puts his plan into action, you can protect yourself from him running up marital debt. Good luck.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 19
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 11:24:15 AM
"We shared everything, including paying the house payment."

If he is helping you to make payments on your house, he owns a percentage of the equity in your house. If you aren't willing to acknowledge this to him, then he is in the right.
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 20
view profile
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 11:45:00 AM

The house loan is in my mom's name, but it is by no means HER house.
Legally, it is her house. It doesn't matter what you think. To the rest of the world, and more importantly, to anyone who might have an influence on your life, it is HER house, and not his or yours. If you want to make things better, have your mother sell the house to you and your hubby. Then it's all nice and legal. Or, don't, and stay the way you are.

Is it customary to think when you are married what would happen IF we divorce and base your next steps in the relationship on that?
40 years ago, no, it wasn't common, because most people didn't divorce, and even if they did, men didn't have to worry about it, because the courts would give them a fair share of things. Now, well over half of all marriages break up, and most courts side with the woman, and give her 50% of any property he has, and alimony, and child support, to her, and let her spend it any way she wishes, without ever asking her if one dollar of the child support was even spent on the children. So yes, it's a HUGE concern for men today, because odds on, marriage is a great way to drive a man into the poorhouse.
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 23
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 12:27:21 PM

it is the wife's mother who is the homeowner as the deed is in the mothers name.

Yep. And IMO, for the present, it is to the OP's advantage to keep it that way. This marriage is heading south fast.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 24
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 12:39:28 PM

I don't agree with you. We don't actually know who has title on this house. Her mother could have easilly borrowed the money against the equity in her own home to purchase a house for her child. In this case, the OP could very easilly fully own the home. Title could also be shared with her Mom.

Furthermore, you argument simply supports the OPs husband. Why should a husband pay off a debt on a home purchased before their marriage? I too would want to be making mortgage payments rather than rent. Where does pot smoking come into the argument? Do we know that it is effecting his earning ability? Do we know that his credit is in trouble?
 big pacific
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 26
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Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 12:46:27 PM
IG PACIFIC, as per your profile, you're 27 yrs. old, living together with someone so that means you have no clue as to what "MARRIAGE" is about unless you live it first hand and honey, i have 3 adult children, 1 of whom is older than you so to me you're just taking a GUYS side without any first hand experience. so until you live this stuff, post litely.


Yeah, I will.

You can quote my age all you want, my lack of experience all you want. Realistically you didn't address my post because you can't refute logic, so you go personal.

The OP says that SHE feels that it doesn't matter who is on the note, and she SEEMS to think the house is hers. An agreement seems to be in place, perhaps because they have an agreement of some sort.

From the Op:
The house loan is in my mom's name, but it is by no means HER house

You can call it "rent" if you want, but thats not what the OP said, she deems it hers and is paying the mortgage, as is he. Where is your logical arguement that if the house is indeed hers in her eyes, that he isn't entitled when he's paying for it equally?

He pays bills, mortgage, rent whatever the hell you want to call it, and you go out of your way to try and make him seem like a loser why exactly? Because he smokes some weed and expects to own things he pays for? It doesn't seem to be an issue, he still works, still pays rent/mortgage/bills, it's not like he's out being a crack-whore to fill his "reefer-madness" addiction you make it out to be.

And don't you dare tell me to post likely until i've lived the life you see fit, unlike some i CAN see some mistakes coming and i DO have something to offer despite not living what you would designate long enough. It would seem to me that you and I have something in common, we haven't had a life long marriage, so in terms of what it takes to make one work, i'd say you and i are preaching from the same mountain.

The only difference is i've never had one fail.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 28
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 12:57:26 PM
"only going by the information provided by the creator of the thread."


Ummmm... this is a whopper of a mistake!

That's like handing a person a big mortgage without verifying their income and looking up their credit score. Ooops. That's precisely what got the USA into its current mess, pulling the rest of the world down with it.

Don't act all knowing when you don't have all the facts.
Joined: 6/23/2008
Msg: 29
view profile
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 12:58:36 PM
Sorry this just sounds very difficult. I know you love tis man, but it seems this man is utterly confused and so are you. I think you should take a step back to figure out if this is good for you or not. I red yoru other post about the marijuana. These just all seem like excuses to me. Misery loves company seems as if that is what his mother is doing. Manipulating him. Don;t you allow yourself to manipulated in the mean time. He seems as if he is sabotage mode. But the only way you will find out.. is stop trying to find out. Let some time lapse. Stop pressing. give yourself some place. At this moment don't try to keep something that doesn't want to be kept.
 big pacific
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 30
view profile
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 1:03:41 PM
what i have written sufficiently supports the fact that i do know what i'm talking about.

believe me, nothing personal here other than i always read the profiles of ANYONE that addresses me.

other than this, i have nothing more to add.

In the realm of real estate? Sure. The other stuff? Not so much.

I still don't know how you think it's cool that he share half the expense and doesn't deserve half the property in a marriage. (maybe thats why you have nothing to add?)

Addressing my age as a shortcoming and advising that I post lightly judges my age instead of the post and ideas i've put forth. It's about as intelligent as me saying "you're a woman, what do you know" and it IS in fact personal.
Joined: 9/7/2009
Msg: 31
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 1:04:13 PM
You need to talk to a marriage counselor. From what you are telling, I think the house is an excuse or a shell. However, there are 2 sides or 2 different views to every story. As much as u r hurting, he is hurting 2. However, he is expressing it differently. There are a few questions that need to b analyzed before any one can draw a conclusion. Have you ever made a conscious or unconscious statement, such as MY HOUSE, MY MOM’S HOUSE, MY PHONE, MY CAR etc.
Do u take his opinions into consideration about the house or anything? For example he wanted to paint the house blue, but u paint it white anyway without compromising w/ him, first.
Even though using the word MY in our everyday talk, is nothing to us, and we don’t even know we are saying it; it bothers other people especially men and employees. This is when the mind moves from flight into the fight mode. He may b thinking “I am busting my a** 2 help with this house, and all I get in return, is my house or my mom’s house (flight mode). I’m not helping her anymore, she can keep what’s hers and I get my own (fight mode)”.
Can u see his influence on the house or anything n your life? If you continuously dismiss a persons opinion he or she will feel it does not belong to them, and they need to get their own.
Also, when a man chooses to marry you, he wants to take care of u. A person does not want to hear “the house we live n is provided by my mother in law”; however he would probable prefer to hear from u “my husband is providing this home for me and the children”. Even though n your mind it belongs to both of us, but n his mind and legally it belongs to your mother, and she is providing it for u all. However, if something happens to her, there’s no guarantee, it will belong to both of u exclusively. As seasons change people change their minds. That is the nature of a man or husband when he chooses a wife or family; he is the provider, supporter, teacher etc. It is his duty to totally take care and provide for u and his children with what u need, not mother in law.
This is the same case for men that have lost their jobs. It bothers them into a depressed mental state of mind that someone else has to take care or provide for their responsibilities because they can not.
Another thing, do not start blaming his mother for his actions. It will give him more reasons to turn or despise u. Just as they say daddies little girl, and mamma’s little boy. Don’t mess with or disrespect his mother. If he has a close relationship with his mother, then she is his first and guidance teacher about women. Only way to counteract mothers teaching is by your actions.
Talk to your husband; ask him how or why does he feel a certain way? Ask him how does he feel about the house? OK, we know the facts and the logistics, but not his feelings. Instead of trying to figure out how or when he changed, find out how you and he can resolve the situation and prevent it from happening again. Be proactive and not reactive. Again, u and your husband should seek a marriage counselor. Your searching or crying out for help, go to the specialist. If u broke your arm, u wouldn’t go to a mechanic for help, would u? It’s well worth the prevention of heartbreak, depression, and possible divorce. Good luck!
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 32
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 1:17:21 PM
"now you know that regardless of the topic given, we can only reply to what the original poster states. "

Yes, and if they fail to state enough we need to ask questions until we DO have the information we need to draw a correct conclusion. Until you have all of this information, your supposed expert answer is meaningless. Judging her husband or anyone else when you haven't asked these questions is inappropriate.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 35
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 2:06:44 PM
Sabrosura has a winner... ding ding ding.

I would take a bet he has talked to an Attorney if he can afford one.
Anyone that uses the D word that often is certainly entertaining getting one and he wants his "share" of the value of the house but given it isn't in your or his name he knows he won't. He is already balking on paying bills.
Your answers are not here.

Counseling/Divorce Attorney
Is he on a dating site also?
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 36
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 2:08:20 PM
Sounds to me as if he's using the house as an excuse in preparation for a divorce.

Ok, Let's talk real estate ;-)

There's a pretty good chance that if you had bought the house together and then divorced, that there wouldn't be any equity left anyway. Most properties have lost significant value in the past 2 years and many, many people owe a lot more than their property is worth. I personally rent where I live, because I get more for my money. But I own a bunch of homes in another State. So, owning for the sake of owning is really not the answer. It's important to look at the big picture. For many people it'd be better to rent these days than to own. I believe the market is still going down, because there are a lot more foreclosures happening now. So, owning is really a burden, unless you get such an awesome deal that another 30% slide will not have put you under water.

I think I remember that you married a year ago or so? So, if you had bought the house then, you wouldn't have any equity. For the first 6-7 years you pretty much pay interest and hardly anything goes toward the equity.

What's the big picture? Could he afford to buy anything right now? He doesn't have a job, does he? So, he'd have to pay rent somewhere. Is his portion of the mortgage payment higher than what he'd have to pay in rent? If so, then maybe his share should be adjusted to what he would pay in rent, if he were renting something.

Even though the mortgage and deed may be in your mother's name now, all your mother would need to do is sign a quitclaim deed to transfer the ownership to you. I would not suggest for her to do that now, as she'd still be on the hook for the mortgage and with you both lining up for a divorce that would put her into a very vulnerable situation. But should you divorce and should you and your mother want to do that, then she can. It's called buying it 'subject'-to' the existing mortgage. You would just keep paying the mortgage.The St. Germain act would allow a parent and sibling to do that and they can't call the loan due. The mortgage companies don't like it, but there's nothing they can do about it. You would own the house and the mortgage would be in your mother's name. But do not do that while you are married and don't tell him about that!!
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 37
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 2:09:24 PM
"28 yrs. old, not single/not looking....then what are you, resident of canada and an expert in united states real estate and residential appraisals? "

I don't need to be expert to know that conclusions are meaningless without the facts. You're are acting like a know it all without doing due research. Negatively judging people without this research is VERY offensive.

Again you emphasise a poster's age. What is your problem? I target you because you are so typical of a majorty of posters on these forums who are so quick to pass negative judgement. No, I will not make any list as you were suggesting. Given the nature of these forums, any conclusion drawn will be negatively biased.

And who are you? A divorced, 50 somthing woman, who is very likely angry due to a past betrayal. This too is typical on these forums. So many people are SOOOO bitter and full of anger.
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 39
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 2:25:41 PM
Sounds like it's time for marriage counselling... you two have deeper issues here. You are not going to get to the heart of the matter with these types of questions.

Married people who both have good attitudes and are in love (the two main things you need to go the distance) don't contemplate divorce. Would a person in love want a divorce? Do you smell the coffee?!
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 40
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 3:09:04 PM
OP, you must really need attention to keep posting about this loser husband of yours. Unless you are really this ignorant you know the answers to your questions.
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 45
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 4:31:14 PM
Why is there this assumption that the minute that you get married you have to share everything that you own? I understand the things that you acquire together, but not what I've spent time getting before on my own. If I want to share those things then it should be my choice and not an entitlement by the other person. That's what prenups are based on, aren't they? She owned the house before she met him, so why should he be immediately be entitled to half?
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 46
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/11/2009 8:49:39 PM
"you're angry, i until you feel better, i'm putting you on ignore unless you're so upset with the so called "typicals" on POF then i expect it's just as easy to delete your profile out of disgust."

Wow! Your ego is completely out of control. Condescending little brat! Divorced? Lucky ex-husband. I hope he found himself a sweetheart with a kind, caring and loving heart.

I strongly doubt there is anything wrong with OP's husband. Marriage isn't just about love. It is a financial transaction. This man rightfully wants a stake in the house HE is paying for.
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