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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > I need mature advice on restarting a relationship.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 7
I need mature advice on restarting a relationship.Page 1 of 1    
A month is too soon to hog tie him just yet.
And your attraction to him is overwhelming you so you're not seeing things clearly.

while not good so far...
I would suggest cool your jets(if you can)
and give this more time before you get too obsessed/jealous.

He may like you.
But whether he can commit to you is yet to be seen.
Two years after a divorce he may want to play a bit longer.
So take it slow and be emotionally prepared for the worst.
It is tough, but we should see things as they are, and not as we want.
 clasact
Joined: 1/18/2008
Msg: 9
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I need mature advice on restarting a relationship.
Posted: 9/11/2009 4:30:51 PM
While I DO believe that people deserve a second chance, I'm not sure that
you're up to giving him that....totally.....not right now.

You don't trust him and if there's anything in a relationship that is in the 'must' category, it's trust. And if you can't trust him, then the relationship is doomed in my opinion.

You may be able to work up to it.......depending on him but I think.....and this is just me....you should tread very carefully and slowly.
 tnt144
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 12
I need mature advice on restarting a relationship.
Posted: 9/11/2009 6:11:56 PM
Second chance? For what? - let's see... you were never married to this man, no kids... he is a lier and you want to give this non-existent relationship in which you have trust issues a second chance? Trying to save a marriage would be one thing but..

2X nothing = 0. Do I really need to say anymore?

Good relationships are supposed to bring you up, not down.
 Hands of gold
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 17
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I need mature advice on restarting a relationship.
Posted: 9/11/2009 11:07:08 PM
You have asked about two situations:
1) Should you get back with him?
2) Why is he still on this dating site?

Yes, get back with him. Do you have another or better prospect in your life? I don't think so. He had to go and see for himself if there was a chance with this girl from his past. He can't forget her just by meeting another girl. It doesn't work that way. There wasn't a chance and now he can put it to rest.

He is still on this site for the same reason as you are. It is fun to check out people and read the forums. He is going to read your post as well, but I think you already know that. Unless you have an anonymous account, which means you are deceiving him. Just accept that he is a dating site junkie, like me. He could be looking up porn, but this seems more real. Tell him that his computer is his business and get on with it.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 18
I need mature advice on restarting a relationship.
Posted: 9/11/2009 11:25:52 PM
OP - I don't think you are looking for advice "per se". After reading the postings in this thread, I think you are looking for affirmation of your desire to be with this man. Your mind appears to be made up about getting back with him, so when comments are made that don't support your desire, you defend him and your position.

I know that honesty is #1 on my list of dealbreakers, so when he asked for you to be exclusive, asked that you you remove your profile, and then you found him on other sites, to me stinks of dishonesty. I would not be getting back with this guy, as you are only setting yourself to be hurt by this man, one more time. You will do as you like, regardless of what anyone posts, as I don't see you listening or thinking about what others say, only looking for confirmation to get back with him.
 truth59
Joined: 5/9/2009
Msg: 19
I need mature advice on restarting a relationship.
Posted: 9/12/2009 7:13:30 AM
well my friend, you already moved to fast, not that I always done what was right, so read careful before you feel I am putting you down. The only reason why you two is toghter is because it didnt work out with the other lady, right? so now he use you for his toy and pleasure,you got every right not to trust, but yet you must trust because you still holding on to him, why do we do this, now it will be even harder to let go because, you have given yourself to him as one..... A man will do anything a woman ask to play with her, kids you wants to meet, no problem, just no attacment,you wants to go dancing no problem,girl belive me this, and time will tell if i speak truth,,,,, no trust, no realateship! if I speak no truth, then this will come to nough. what do youdo, watch, and keep your emotions under control, and guard your heart, and keep your bag pack, and no spare keys.
 Limerence2
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 22
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I need mature advice on restarting a relationship.
Posted: 9/12/2009 1:38:37 PM
Too much gone... this one is over. Start fresh.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 29
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I need mature advice on restarting a relationship.
Posted: 9/12/2009 8:01:49 PM
Second chance in life is rare, and it is often better that way.

He said he wanted to be exclusive from first date but when the chips are down, he made a conscious choice to go with someone else. May be seeing that you were so enamored with him, he figured that you'd be around anyway. Now that his first choice blew up in his face, he wants to settle with you. That's how it sounds to me.

He was willing to risk losing you when he went with someone else. If you take him back now, you are basically telling him that his behavior is ok. That if he should find someone else again, you'd be willing to relegate to a backup position. After all, he's a wonderful man and you are willing to forgive just about any mistakes that he makes.

The rational thing to do is to wish him well and say goodbye, but we all know that's not what you are gonna do. If you insist on restarting a relationship with this man, you first must give him extra time to recover from his previous relationship. Let him exorcise whatever ghost he may still have with the ex. This could take months, but it's absolutely necessary and he must do it on his own. Move slowly, give him plenty of time and opportunities to leave. If he is not a changed man, he will. Many more months could pass before you feel that may be he is for real this time. If it does come to that, congratulations. It's a long shot, and I wish you luck. Personally, to save myself from unnecessary dramas and heartaches, I don't believe in do-over or second chance. Once the door to romance is closed, it should stay closed for eternity.
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 31
I need mature advice on restarting a relationship.
Posted: 9/14/2009 10:23:46 PM
he still goes online
you go online to check on him
he is fishing
otherwise the profile would be deleted
i had this fight with somebody that i had dated
who wanted to hide his profile
if you are involved
~~~~~~~~~not a forum person
but exclusive
profiles are not looking around
you are on the profiles~~~~~~not looking for men
there is a difference
do you think that he is on the profiles???
NOT
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 35
I need mature advice on restarting a relationship.
Posted: 9/15/2009 7:56:31 PM
POF read your question: you are a forum person. you are reading.
this man is scoping.
you are NOT insecure
your feelings are valid
everybody is saying that your feelings are valid
and nobody trusts him
no matter how IN LOVE you are with him or not
sometimes, we can love the person
BUT
it does not make him a good catch
or a good person
you are going to get hurt~~~~~~~~
he is still looking
****YOU ARE ON FORUMS!!!!
you have your answer-
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 36
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I need mature advice on restarting a relationship.
Posted: 9/15/2009 8:28:26 PM
Every one has already covered the main points here, but I have one additional observation.
You've made it clear you are going to stay with him for now, and ask how long will it be until you can trust him again. The answer is it will take a VERY long time. There is NOTHING more difficult to restore than trust, including physical virginity (that can be done surgically, I've read). Your trust may never return.
The best medicine for a lack of trust, is to build independent security for yourself. See to it that neither you, or your children become financially or otherwise dependent on him. Not for money, not for rides to school in the car. Don't borrow money from, or loan money to him. Don't plan far into the future in a manner that requires he be there.
The more independently secure you are, the less you will need to trust him, and the more you will be able to allow him to become trustworthy. If you allow yourself to need him, it will increase your anxiety, and thus reduce your ability to trust him.
 Stafford_Jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 37
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I need mature advice on restarting a relationship.
Posted: 9/15/2009 8:42:18 PM

He told me he hid is profile on here after our second date and so did I. However he is listed as one of my favorites so I can still see when he comes on this site. I only come on to check his activity and I hate that I do, but the trust has been broken and needs rebuilt and feel I'd be a fool if I didn't. He will go days without getting on here, but still gets on here. It really bothers me and am worried things are going to end up the same way. I wasn't enough before and maybe I'm not enough now. I don't want to blow anything by being pushy or moving to fast, because I adore him and feel he is the one for me. So what do I do?


Is it possible that maybe he's logging in to see if you are too? If you can see him logging in, maybe he can see you logging in to check up on him.

Just a thought.
 girlred228
Joined: 6/23/2008
Msg: 42
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I need mature advice on restarting a relationship.
Posted: 9/16/2009 9:10:02 AM
OP.. I feel for you.. you obviously love this man. There is nothing wrong with loving him. Right now this is too volatile. He has to show you that he is wprthy of you. Moving to fast is what gets people into trouble. Being overzealous to jump in is what hurts these types of situations most. He has to show you that he can be what you need this time. There was not enough time lapsed for him to show you that. That is one of the reasons you are feeling this way.

Instead of him taking a step back... you take it a lil slower; allow him to show you completely who he is. Don't be in a rush; time reveals all. If you handle this right.. you can have what you want. But since it has only been a month; you seem to invested too much too quickly. Remember he lied to you... Everyone lies.. there is no excuse and you are not supposed to accept that.. but you have shown him that his lies are ok.. How do you fix that? If he cares the way he says he does.. he should be willing to do whatever it takes; but if you allow him back in too quickly you will get disappointed.. TAKE YOUR TIME>.... is the best advice. all the good things before the lies and breakup... they don't count.
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