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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Girl  > "You need to find someone better than me"      Home login  
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 setuid
Joined: 9/5/2008
Msg: 1
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"You need to find someone better than me"Page 1 of 1    
What exactly does this mean?

I got this comment last night from a woman I've been seriously interested in, and for the last few weeks (until a few days ago), she reciprocated that interest (but not in an overt physical way; she still holds off kissing me for reasons I can't understand but is trying to open up more, but other non-intercourse sexual activity seems fine with her).

She also said "You need someone who will treat you better than I do. I'm not nice to you."

For weeks in a row before that were great... good time together, laughs, lots of sharing back and forth. It felt like a nice relationship maturing well. We had an amazing Labor Day picnic at the beach. I cooked a bunch of food and brought a cooler, and a big spread and we spent the evening together at the beach with my young daughter. She wasn't expecting it at all, and she admitted that it was the best dinner anyone has ever cooked for her. While I stepped away, she even called her best friend to tell her how amazing it was.

But a few days ago, she became very standoffish to me, aloof... and I called her on it and said "What's wrong? You're shutting me out." She said "You noticed that? Wow, you're good!" and then I got the "I'm confused, and I don't want to hurt you or get hurt myself.." comment.

In my head, I was thinking "Ut oh, there's someone else, and she can't be honest with me about it right now." And then she said she needed some time to figure things out. We met a year ago, and didn't hit it off well, and after a month of knowing each other, parted ways until about six weeks ago. She might be confused about the way things were then vs. the way things are now. I don't know.

So I asked her point-blank, if I was sharing her heart with anyone else, and she said no. She insisted there was nobody else and she wasn't dating anyone else, and she even asked ME to tell HER if I started dating someone else. I told her that she was the only person I was interested in.

She spends a lot of time with a recent ex she claims is 100% platonic, which sets my hackles off a little bit. She was over his house yesterday "just watching a movie", and planned to stay the night there, and then called me from his house at almost midnight, to see if I wanted her to come over and cuddle. I said "Sure..." and she said she was leaving right away (the "friend" lives about 20 minutes from my house, apparently).

An hour later (almost 1am), I get a call back from her and she hasn't even left yet, because she got into a "long talk" with this friend. Eventually she came over (arrived by 2am), spent the night, we barely even touched each other, didn't kiss, she wasn't really receptive to me holding her while she slept, and she left this morning with a very cold, bland hug, and said she would call me this afternoon.

Why did I fall for this again? Why can't women just be honest, open and say whatever is on their mind, instead of twisting us up into knots wondering what WE could have possibly done wrong.

I need a woman's perspective on things. Thanks in advance.
 setuid
Joined: 9/5/2008
Msg: 2
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You need to find someone better than me
Posted: 9/12/2009 7:17:56 AM

Not all women are bad you know.

I'm beginning to think otherwise... after 4 years, hundreds of dead-ends, and still no hope of a connection (or even a second date)... I'm not sharing your optimism. (see my previous posts in the forums for the gorey "math" details).
 setuid
Joined: 9/5/2008
Msg: 3
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You need to find someone better than me
Posted: 9/12/2009 9:22:56 AM

Said girl broke up with boyfriend and posted a profile up online to make herself feel better, try and get some self confidence up while getting over said ex. you come along, are showing interest, its flattering and self-esteem building for her. she still has a thing for the ex and is holding you at arms length, biding her time. perhaps ex finds out she's been dating other people, suddenly becomes territorial and wants her back. she actually has been wishing this would happen and backs way off of you. Basically, you were her band-aid for a little while and now she's ready to rip it off and toss it away.


She met him over a year ago via eHarmony.com. WE met on Match.com at roughly the same time. She said they've been on and off for a year, but the last time they were "together" (sexually or physically), she said was 3 months ago. She also says that I'm the only one she's physical with. In other words, she says she's not kissing or doing anything like that with anyone but me.

I don't know if she's got any online profiles anywhere, and frankly that doesn't matter to me... because I'm just trying to enjoy our time together, and undo the weird imprinting from our own past a year ago. I'm not trying to force her into monogamy, nor to "date" me.

But I do want her to be honest if I'm one of 17 guys she's interested in. I don't want to be "that guy".

Now, in the present, she claims that her and this recent ex were not good together, and they had a really bad sexual relationship. She told me that HE said he's glad they're "just friends" and wants to become "better friends" but "definitely not anything sexual". Then she said SHE is not a very "good lover", whatever that's supposed to mean. I can't take anything at face value anymore.

As I'm remembering this, I remembered she also said:

"You need to find someone better than me. You need to find someone who will treat you right."

"I need to find someone better than (ex-guy-she-spends-time-with)."

These kinds of statements strike me as odd. She was also planning on staying over his place last night and tonight... just as friends. She was also wearing his running pants, while they were at his house she said. When she came to my house late last night, she had on jeans, so she must have changed back (or as another poster in this thread suggested, "cleaned up", showered and changed back).

If you go to someone's house to just sit and watch a movie (even if there's cuddling, hudding, light petting, whatever)... do you change out of jeans, into someone else's running pants, and then back into jeans, to spend the night at another man's house?

She's apparently got a lot of stuff still at his house from when they broke up, and he's got some stuff at her house too, that she moved with her from her last place 6 months ago to the place she lives now. But she says he's never spent the night at her place. I've spent the night there twice in the last 3 weeks, and a handful of times at her previous place.

It's no wonder she's confused. I'M confused too! :(

I just wish she would come out and say it: "Look, I like you, and you treat me great, but you're not right for me, because... (whatever the reason is)".

Nothing makes sense when it comes to women. I haven't yet met a single one who is open, honest and tells the truth... even if it hurts.

Hrmph!

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