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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Older women wanting caves?      Home login  
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 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 1
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Older women wanting caves?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
you know how they say that it's the men who need to go back to their caves? the old mars-venus thing? well, wondering how many women have felt, of late, and contrary to their past nature, to retreat a bit, before venturing out again?

i am not sure why, but i find myself, usually a very extroverted person, needing a REST from this singles rat race! i hope it doesn't last. i have had so many oppportunties this weekend to "get out" and i just wanted to stay home for the past two days. even getting a bit grumpy about it!

men, please mentor me on this. also do you find women doing this to you and reversing roles? women, is this happening to you too, as an "age related" function? after a bit, do we get just too tired to party and socialize all the time? i have one forty year old female friend who tells me she feels the same way. some are saying it's in the air. others are saying the flu is going around or the seasons are changing. others say this is age related. all i know is that it feels very, very "different".

men, when you get into that cave, what do you do? what makes you come out? women, do you like it in there? i have mixed feelings. don't feel like going out much this week but also wish i did! i just hope this is not part of "aging"!

seriously, what is the thinking on this? just age related? nothing else, like bitterness, old tapes, putting walls up, etc. just don't know what it is. more a "feeling" of being weary. yet, on the other hand "peaceful". usually i am "joyous" out in the crowds.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 2
Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 1:06:40 AM
I seldom leave the house.

This all started 20 years ago when I built an office onto the back of my house.

I got more and more use to ..... not leaving the house.

I bet I have not driven 1,000 miles in the last two years.

I just can't think of good reasons to leave the house.

I find ways to have fun ....... right here.

I use to go out and people watch but ...... that got old.

I use to keep telling myself ....... you need to get out more. Then I started saying ......... why?

It is just nuts lol.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 3
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Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 1:16:40 AM
actually piano4te, this is not about giving up or what was assumed by the second poster, although thankful for his thoughts anyway. i believe you may have "hit it" and this is why it is "different".

i AM silently processing and feeling a different kind of aha! it is not my usual verbal or interactive means of "processing". it's not quite introverted either, as opposed to my usual extroversion-- which is why i am having a hard time putting it into words.

i just remembered a minister once said to me that in midlife we often shift to an opposite stance or mode. however, she was talking about transitioning from extroversion to introversion and vice versa. plus, i believe she was confusing manner of socializing with processing. it is like comparing an introverted woman to an introverted man. where is the common denominator and where is the difference?

the introvert often processes internally. but, i believe s/he uses words to do this, even if not out loud. it's not like i am stupid or anything. more like meditative or task oriented, while the mind is slowly buzzing away. maybe less "emotional"? not sure.

i compare it to how i used to multi-task very well. now i am getting more vertical. it is not hormonal, the "replacement" is working quite well actually. it is a cognitive shift in the way i am getting a "sense" of things. it is quite a mish mash. not used to it. which is why i asked. usually a pof'er says something that seems to pull an answer out of the abyss.

i have two extroverted children, one boy and one girl. i have one extremely introverted female child. i know the difference and even took a course on meyers briggs a long time ago. my boy, however, does process problems with me. so, still not clear about the "supposed" differences. stabbing in the dark on this.

also my guy friends often say they prefer to be "home"--not counting work! i know we have more verbal centers. but, it's more than that. just don't know what! maybe it's just been out of balance and too much time/effort into the singles thing, when i have other stuff to do? i really don't know, but when someone hits it, i will be very grateful. i wonder if it is biological or developmental. not much written on the forty years after 60!
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 4
Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 3:10:22 AM
I don't know the answer to what you're trying to figure out about yourself, OP, but I'm not sure the introvert/extrovert labels apply the way you're talking about them. Introversion/extroversion is only one aspect of Myers-Briggs. Extroverts are energized by social interaction; introverts are enervated by it. That doesn't mean they process information differently. I'm quite introverted but I process things verbal/interactively; I like going out with friends etc.; introversion just means I need time on my own to recharge afterwards.

It sounds like you just wanted to chill & have a quiet weekend. That happens to everyone. Summer is over; it's back-to-school time, back-to-routines and all that. Maybe you're just keyed into the rhythm of the seasons and are just connected more with your yin side than your yang right now. We all have both sides.

Have you been online more than usual? Are you "processing verbally" by posting here rather than talking with friends? Do you feel like your time alone/at home has been well-spent, or are you spinning your wheels and antsy about it? I ask these questions because I think a weekend or two of wanting to chill out rather than hang out doesn't seem like a personality change to me, or indicative of some kind of age- or gender-related trend.
 tass08
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 5
Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 6:20:43 AM
I feel sorry for guys. They can't even be left alone in their caves once in a while without women saying "me too, I want to have a cave too!"
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 6
Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 9:23:21 AM
I was reading a magazine at the doctor's office toda about men and their caves...it said a man's cave is what used to be called the family den. It added, that since men were taking over the den, when do women get a b1tch balcony?

Personally I think people are individuals, we seek validation for our actions by hoping someone else has the same needs that we do. I think everyone needs a safe place to fix the areas of their lives they feel need to be addressed.

I know right now for me there are so many different things going on that it is hard for me to find the physical energy, let alone the mental energy to address them, that is when we start "going with the flow" we give up our pursuit of happiness in an effort to "survive". One day turns to two and then a month has passed and then several months and somewhere along the way we have lost the part of ourselves that we liked the most. I agreed to help a friend with a new business, not cause I wanted to but cause their business partner stole 40k from their business and they had no one else. I picked the wrong major for college and now after two years into it I am finding the starting pay to be less than a dollar over minimum wage. So Im trying to take 19 credit hours so I can get two degrees and finding that to be extremely difficult and still help my 21 and 19 year old move their life in a positive direction, add in 4 cats and 2 dogs and I find myself at Walmart at 2 am buying dog food vs studying or sleeping. The whole concept of a place to just go into and sorta out what I need to do sounds like heaven to me.
 the SoldierByte
Joined: 12/25/2005
Msg: 7
Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 10:39:46 AM

men, when you get into that cave, what do you do? what makes you come out?

What makes ME go in..???
usually hurt..
once in a great while fear (seeking safty)..
but hurt is formost..
What usually will get me to come out..??
Ususlly "getting over the hurt/set back"..
sometimes just rebuilding my confidence,
other times just determination "not to quit/give up,,
and a few times.. a female.. one whom said
"take my hand, I'll stand by you, you can count on me"...
And you know what..??
I have never even thought about this before (the question)..
and I am even more amazed at my answers..
Cripes.... I been watchin way too much Oprah... I gotta get me a life..!!
---SoldierByte---
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 8
Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 11:25:53 AM

and a few times.. a female.. one whom said
"take my hand, I'll stand by you, you can count on me"...
That's a sweet image soldierbyte ... even moreso because it's not the image you usually portray here =)
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 9
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Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 12:00:46 PM
while I have an everlasting desire to retreat into my "cave" ... my house ... and never come out ... just wallow in the wonderfulness of the comfortable retreat I've created for myself!

I have just as compelling a desire to spend the rest of my days with someone significant in my life ...

THEREFORE ... unless I expect a wonderful someone to come TO my house ... (thinkin parachute gone astray and wonderful guy landing in my back yard ... firemen showing up to put out someone's fire and I meet the perfect one! ... telephone repairman ... plumber!, etc.) ...

unless I expect the above ... I gotta get out and ... find me a man!

yeah ... like that's gonna happen ... fur sure ...
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 10
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Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 3:24:09 PM
farceur, i cannot answer your question because i don't think intellectually, i conceptualize and i "act". there is a subtle, but significant difference with the emphasis upon "acting".

everything for me is about "say what you mean and do it!". but, the last few days and maybe even last two weeks, i had no clue what i "meant", i just knew something was "up". my body, including my brain, was DIFFERENT. just an intuition that it had something to do with men versus women and/or aging.

compare my OP to brainstorming (except it's more than that)--this is something i was known for in my career. we found many "out of the box" solutions by not being "afraid" to pose the questions. even the seemingly "stupid" ones. sometimes, for me, there are questions swimming around in my right brain, that i seek to answer in left brain. i am quite bright, but not in the "usual" way and this is also exaggerated by having had lymes.

actually for me, i think i am "onto" an answer. i got way more private email feedback on this question. from the female point of view, there is much "stress" in my life. well, i tend to take on a lot and from that perspective there has always appeared to others to be stress in my life. if anything, however, my stress is diminishing in that my efforts to date are paring myself down and getting used to my kids being "out of the nest". for me, that is different than for others, as i fost/adopted my three as teens and it was "intense"-- at the same time, first dealing with the onset of my lymes back then.

some of my male friends, like ron above and solderbyte on the thread itself, have explained what this cave thing is "like" --and i am grateful for the understanding! too often we joke about our differences but we really don't understand.

so here is the interesting part for me. i WAS on target and for me, it is a yang switch, except in chinese medicine that usually means "doing" and instead i was not doing--i was in my cave. so, maybe i should say a testosterone switch.

i said above i was hormonally balanced, but i actually "forgot" for the past few days, that a couple of weeks ago they lowered my estrogen!!!! when i went to pull out my blood tests, i remembered this morning. why did i forget? i ran out of PS 100 and have not been taking it for a week! as we age, our memory and brain function does change. so it is also an age thing. but i can do something about both of these inhouse situations. just need to get a grip "quietly" as my body adjusts.

usually, i take my supplements and my hormones and my bi-cillin for lymes. the latter was also temporarily interrupted (the reasons are irrelevant here). in addition, i am taking a new herb for another tick related pathogen to increase my heart strength as i was getting tired and want to start with a personal trainer. oddly, that has worked almost immediately, but the side affects have also made me feel "different" and more "manly"!!! ha ha. i was thinking this is not hormonal because i was thinking about sex drive and not all the other stuff that more testosterone and less estrogen influences, such as cognitive function and energy. my sex drive has been fine. just nobody to apply it with and not prioritizing that at the moment. first things first!

it is interesting that we generalize about introverts, extroverts, men, women, past traumas, stress, finding the right mate, not finding any mates, yada yada yada. it is very confusing. if you want "right action" in your life, how the heck can you figure it out, if you cannot BRAINSTORM the different issue. only now are the more up to date physicians beginnning to address hormonal replacement for men. the pharmaceutical companies would much rather sell viagra!

in fact, i am glad farceur made his comment, because i considered it and it gave me a shot in my ego to say: is he right with respect to "me"? the question sat there. often for me, if i have a question lurking in my head, it draws attention to what is in the universe and the answer presents itself. i have been known to admit when i am "full of sh-t"! i don't think i have been.

i was attemping to file this morning and there were my lab test forms. normally i would have auto-piloted them away and then wham! the answer hit me. i will know for sure when i get the results. but, the stress of not being "me" was heavy duty. now that it is alleviated, i still "feel" a major shift in my thoughts/attitudes/personality--but, it doesn't bother me as much. will either raise one of the "e's" or lower the t's.

we are not just what we eat. we are also what we "secrete". (my son's "rapping" has clearly influenced me!)

how many of us just accept what is happening to us, w/o taking action? then again, we need the wisdom to know the difference--as some things we must accept, but only after we "question".

thanks to those who took me seriously and those who did not and those who were thinking in a whole other way than i meant it to be. because, the whole feedback loop (including the emails and calls) have given me more insight into men and women and aging and what we can or cannot change. i can assure you, my eyes will be on my hormonal levels and i will be backstocking ps100--as well as looking into the other supplements i need to deal with the aging of the brain!
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 11
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Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 5:14:58 PM
no offense, free at last. i chose to take action. you chose not to. no biggie. i am not talking about the usual "being alone with one's feelings". if that was it, would not have asked.
 sk1960
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 12
Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 5:19:19 PM
Well I'm almost speechless Soldierbyte ..... but many of us know that we often cover up our soft side to keep us safe with humour and fun ..... :) But you have reminded me of how important friends are in our lives .... the next time I just want to tuck my tail and run .... I'll maybe think of your post .... and remember . Thanks
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 13
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Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 5:19:25 PM
I think I'd be happier with myself if I turned my microscope to a number where every little detail had a little less magnification ...

I tend to over-analyze things ... Thursday's my birthday and I'm being too introspective about the state of my life ... too much whinning!

I just sent a long e-mail to a friend over-analyzing my day ... my poor friend!
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 14
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Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 5:45:17 PM
My home is my sanctuary. Has been for almost two decades. Copying men?
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 15
Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 6:59:21 PM
Your new haircut looks great, karma1160!
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 16
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Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 7:01:38 PM
There are times that I need "me" time, I'd rather not be around anyone else. It wouldn't matter if I were in a relationship, when I need the time for myself, I take it. I've never been much of a social butterfly, so I don't enjoy large gatherings. The last place you'd find me at is a black & white gala event for 1200 people.
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 17
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Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 7:06:47 PM

...women, is this happening to you too, as an "age related" function? after a bit, do we get just too tired to party and socialize all the time?


if only i was socializing all the time.

almost 4 years ago i moved to a place where i don't know many people. since almost everyone i do know is married with kids or single with kids and have all kinds of commitments related to their families, they have little time for people like me.

i lead a very solitary life.

and i hate it.
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 18
Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/15/2009 8:35:57 PM
I find moments where life is more demanding and where I need more down time to replenish myself. Now is a good example of this as I work for a university and have inherited student employment (due to a retirement/non replacement) for my school.
This keeps me jumping and is a new learning curve. I'm learning new stuff during our busiest time of the year and need to be on top of my game. Also, I'm wanting more time for myself as I have a lot to balance right now and aside from my usual working, and responsibilites with more on the plate. I also have an active social life but am very particular as to how and with whom I spend my spare time. So perhaps, I've been retreating lately. Like message 32, my home is my sanctuary too. So CW, men aren't the only ones needing caves.
 the SoldierByte
Joined: 12/25/2005
Msg: 19
Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/16/2009 11:53:14 AM
Not ALL women seem to either "want or need" caves..
Maybe in some way they are just stronger then me..
(same seems to apply to the guys)
I don't know, and just figure a "cave" is way better
therapy for ME then drugs, booze, or worse..
but.. to each their own..
now a "bit" off topic..
so MANY of you gals added new pics..!!
I luv all of emmmm..
Yous are ALL so durn BEEeee-u-tiful..!!!!
I'm SERIOUSLY debating all them restraining orders
yous got on me and gettin my "stalkin shoes" out..!!
Also.. is it just me..??
or have the new "mods" with their "no-nonsense"
rules with NO exceptions.. got a lot of us scared..??
I'm a little scared... but jeepers.. we can all still
have fun.. rules ARE rules...
but we ARE ALL still human..
So ladies...
don't be afiad.. don't believe a word of what the cops have told you..
and forget my photos at the post office...
I AM available... soooo contact me...
---SoldierByte---
 bliss serendipity
Joined: 12/27/2006
Msg: 20
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Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/16/2009 12:06:50 PM
ah Serenity, I am in the same boat as you. I have been trying to analyze it and can't seem to come up with an answer. Much like yourself, I don't know if it is my Lyme, or my hormones or my age or too much stress. It is really confounding me. I talked with Lyme Dr. yesterday and he feels stress is the culprit. I think it is more than that.

I have always been very social, love going out and have always been very busy looking forward to whatever comes up. There has been a great deal of stress in the last few months, perhaps I really do need to stay quiet and stop thinking and rest. Now that I am retired, one would think I would welcome this advantage, and yet all I want to do is retreat. If you or anyone else come up with an answer, I would love to hear it.

Bliss
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 21
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Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/16/2009 12:13:43 PM
It is just the ever present "retreat" mechanism that many of us have had most of our lives, and called the "cave" syndrome.

Down time, reflection time, analytical time, etc., is one way we cope with change, wanted or forced, uneasiness with situations, overload, on and on. It is where we go to be safe while we think things through.

Now, the real problem becomes when you women WANT our cave.......

Just my opinion........
 virginny54
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 22
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Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/16/2009 12:47:37 PM
I know exactly what you mean. I have experienced this since last year Feb. of this year. I get excited or I should say motivated about going to work, but once I come home I just feel like I want to hibernate. I think about going places and doing the things I once enjoyed, but the fact of the matter is ; those things lost their lustre. I just say to myself , well maybe I'll feel like it tomorrow. At first I thought I just had the blues, but I now believe its something more than that. I flat dont feel like doing much of anything. Once I do go out I have a really good time and I'm glad I went, but its getting excited about going and doing that I seem to have lost. Virginia
 virginny54
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 23
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Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/16/2009 12:54:05 PM
Thats cute...Nesting is generally thought of as our homes. I think caves is a kind of hideout. Your right however, it can get confusing even to us.
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 24
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Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/16/2009 1:10:01 PM
to me, "nesting" implies the desire to produce eggs and chicks! so not me!

"my cave" is how I've always referred to me retreating from the world, dropping down the "closed" sign and just snuggling in to nurture ME!

funny, Virginia mentioned "since February" ... I started thinking that I've felt strange, unsettled, uneasy since February ... then realized that February was when the stuff hit the fan and I had my hours cut from 40/week to 24/week ... that would explain it FOR ME ...

anyone else think there's the possibility that this epidemic has economy overtones or undertones to it?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 25
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Older women wanting caves?
Posted: 9/16/2009 5:21:10 PM
Another possible explanation/analysis:

You've been 'experimenting' in what you call the singles rat race. I don't mean you've necessarily been trying new, weird, or dangerous things, just that you've been going out there and trying to connect. Now you need to take time out to process what you've learned, consciously or not. After you've mulled and sorted out what your experiences mean to and about you, you'll feel like you're ship shape, and ready to sally forth again.

If you've never done it before, it could be age related in a way. When you are young and the experiences of dating are in and of themselves what you are after, there's no real need to process anything. Once you reach the point where you want to develop something lasting, processing becomes necessary.
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