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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > should I tell His wife he's cheating?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 mrmike44smile
Joined: 8/21/2009
Msg: 1
should I tell His wife he's cheating?Page 1 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
I Divorced my wife who was cheating on me. I came to grips and put everything behind me. The man she was cheating on me with is also married to a disabled woman. Their tawdry affair still continues and he's still married. I know, if I tell his wife, she would probably be hurt but, I also think she has a right to know. What would you do?
 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 2
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:33:04 AM
She does have the right to know. But, people can get the wrong impression of your true motive. So, if your going to tell, be prepared for all that can happen in result of it.
 ReallyCleverOne
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 3
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:47:00 AM
You said you divorced your wife already so why didn't you tell the guy's wife when you were still married and first found out about the affair? You're hurt that your ex wife is still seeing this man after losing you and you want to hurt her back. But once you divorced her, what she does and who she does it with is no longer your business. If you were that concerned about the man's wife, you should have spoken up before. Let it go.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 4
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:54:00 AM
OP, your "motivation" for telling the betrayed wife is irrelevant. I don't understand why some people question your motives for telling his wife - what do your feelings have to do with the betrayed wife being able to know the TRUTH about her marriage? Even if there IS a degree of revenge in your intentions, does that mean she doesn't have the right to know about her husband just because your motives aren't completely "pure?" That's not even logical and makes no sense.

Keeping the secret of your soon to be ex-wife and her sleazy married lover's affair is like condoning the affair and helping them to hide it. You're a party to their duplicity if you do nothing about it.

Whether you're doing it for "revenge" or out of a simple sense of compassion for another human being doesn't matter. Your motivation to tell the betrayed wife does NOT make the information any less important or less valuable to her.

The poor woman should know who she's really married to.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 5
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 12:00:33 PM
Oh what the hell for? For all you know they could have an arrangement.. He keeps her and looks after her and loves her in his own way (sans a sexual relationship) and she allows his philandering. He may be breaking one vow; "forsake all others" but he his keeping another that is more important to her; "in sickness and in health."

I assume your wife actually knew he was married before getting involved with him.. She'll suffer every holiday when he spends it with his wife while she sits and waits alone.

Let it go.. Revenge will only hurt the disabled wife and give the husband an excuse to leave putting the onus on her to end it which will make him feel even less guilty for abondoning a woman who relies on his help. JMO.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 6
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 12:01:25 PM
I wouldn't blow the whistle in every situation. This situation would be one where I might just have to.

It wasn't just your wife that cheated on you. The other guy did too. Who could blame you for telling her? Do you really care if you pissed off a couple of cheaters? And his wife is disabled?
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 7
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 12:03:41 PM
OP: Your relationship was with your wife. She's the one that cheated on you, and you handled accordingly.

Let go and let live. Believe you me; what you do in life comes back to haunt you!
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 8
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 12:05:00 PM
You think she has a right to know and she does but does she want to know?

Few people if they are honest are totally blind-sided by cheating. On some level they do know. I have a friend whose husband was out of town for work, same city, several times a week. She had noticed charges to their gas card or their visa card for gas and meals and when she asked, he said he filled up one of the other guy's cars that kept it down there. Or he paid for someone's dinner. Now he is actually the type to do these things but she still really knew that something was off.

It is highly likely on some level that this woman knows and that she doesn't want her primarily happy home, her children's home, destroyed and that is more important to her than having a spouse she deserves. She could also still love the guy and that would make dealing with this news difficult too.

If you don't know her well enough to know whether SHE is the type of person that would want to know or not, then you have no business opening your mouth. This is one of the only situations within which the golden rules does not apply. You may want to know, I may want to know, but if she doesn't want to know, treating her the way you would like to be treated is the wrong choice.

Unless you get into a situation within which you have a hypothetical conversation with her and she indicates that the spouse should be told, keep your mouth shut because it really isn't any of your business no matter how much her husband's involvement with your wife hurt you.

Didn't see the disabled part, leave her alone, period.

I also agree with Spoken For. People like this man will do more harm to themselves than you could ever dream up, just give them enough rope, they know what to do with it.
 mrmike44smile
Joined: 8/21/2009
Msg: 9
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 12:07:21 PM
My motivation is not revenge. It's doing the right thing. She doesn't know and probably won't find out because he lives two time zones away. He travels a lot and she flies off to be with him.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 10
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 12:14:41 PM

She doesn't know and probably won't find out because he lives two time zones away. He travels a lot and she flies off to be with him.
read packagedeal's post again.. In her own way.. she probably knows or highly suspects... If she wants to know outright.. she'll figure out how to get that information on her own.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 11
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 1:03:45 PM
I would tell her.
She probably already suspects or knows, but I would tell her, anyway.
Don't make a big deal of it, just say it like the fact that it is. Then let her deal with it as she wants. If she wants to stay with him, it's not your business any more. I just feel everyone should have full details in order to make good decisions. I personally would also tell the husband I told his wife.
 red_relaxed
Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 12
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 1:19:17 PM

I Divorced my wife who was cheating on me.

Good for you. That was the right decision for you.


I came to grips and put everything behind me.

I say bull crap too. Good call Savona...


The man she was cheating on me with is also married to a disabled woman.

So this makes it worse? Perhaps only in your mind.
You divorced your wife because she cheated. It shouldn't matter with who and the circumstances. It was the act itself that was the deal breaker.


Their tawdry affair still continues and he's still married.

Tawdry? This is telling. If you come to grips and put everything behind you, you wouldn't care one way or the other. You'd be blissfully indifferent.


I know, if I tell his wife, she would probably be hurt but, I also think she has a right to know.

Are you sure you don't want her to hurt as you have been hurt? These three people are none of your business. She may very well have a right to know but give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she turns a blind eye and doesn't give a rat's azz, or perhaps she's having an affair too, or she could be so devastated by your moral benevolence that she committs suicide.


What would you do?

I'd keep working on putting it behind me...and I would live and let live.

All the best to you.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 13
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 1:48:15 PM
If my SO was making a fool out of me, I'd sure hope that someone would tell me.
 thebestlady
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 14
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 2:26:12 PM
Tell her but If I was you I would get to know her and tell her what happened to you and ask her if she would like to know if it was her husband cheating . If she says no then do not do it You can then live with a clean conscious . You wanted to tell but she did not want to know,If she said yes do and be there as a friend. Help her find someone else.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 15
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 3:06:48 PM
CC Said:
[quotw] There is no such thing as an accomplice to an affair. There is only the affair and the people engaging in it.


In your opinion maybe.

If you were my friend ( I know that's not the OP's example) and I found out you knew all along that I was being made a fool of while you just smiled and went on with business as usual. We wouldn't be friends any more.

I'd look at you as an accomplice. You allowed the lie to go on.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 16
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 3:57:12 PM

But what would you do if I told you my "suspicions" and I was dead wrong?


Again, not the OP's example. He at least said he knew in the post.

If I was only suspicious, than that would be totally different. I wouldn't risk so much for so many people based on a suspicion. To take it even further. I have seen actions that were suspicious, but didn't say anything the SO. I'd go to the offender first and confront them.
 bws1832
Joined: 10/18/2008
Msg: 17
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 4:13:27 PM
WOW! Interesting question since I just came across this account that Im on. It belongs to my boyfriend of over 8 years. Im wondering now what to do with it since I've changed his password and contacting women he's met. I obviously need to go visit my doctor but also wonder if I should just change his entire profile and let the entire world know that he's a cheating b@st@rd. I also wonder if the girls he's already met would like to see the player on match and mate1 also....
As far as your dilemna, it really does depend on your motive. If the wife is handicap maybe she would be okay with it since she can't do things another women can. I don't understand that but at the same time you might just rock her world and not in such a good way.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 18
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 4:13:43 PM

First, she probably wouldn't believe you


All I hear is maybe, could, possibly.

Some one here tell me they would not want to know if their SO was cheating on them??

Does it matter who it comes from? I'll take a Hallmark Card, as long as I know.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 19
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 5:56:18 PM

she may be happy that her huband is getting sex elsewhere and not bothering her... this does happen.


She MAY be. She also MAY be want to know.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 20
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 6:06:26 PM

I Divorced my wife who was cheating on me. I came to grips and put everything behind me. The man she was cheating on me with is also married to a disabled woman.


Enough of a backstory to say your motivation is for you. The grips you think you came to, you're gripping alright, the key is letting go, which it doesn't appear you have.

Depending on what your realtionship is with either of these people, more often than not, if you do say something, you won't have one with either.

If you choose to place yourself in that position, then just know that's a likely result.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 21
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 6:19:42 PM

OP stated it wasn't for revenge. He's thinking of her.


That combined with the "poor woman"...looks good on paper. It's the exception that a spouse of a cheating partner either doesn't have evidence, or any suspicions whatsoever or had them over a period of time.

Read the OP again, it "sniffs" like a cheated spouse who'd love to call out another suspected cheating spouse. The cheated on spouse is a fact, it was stated as such.

Great, I'm in the MOOD for popcorn! Sounds tasty.

"Well lets consider the source ?" Ahh...someone else picked up on that.
 mrmike44smile
Joined: 8/21/2009
Msg: 22
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 7:27:49 PM
The responses to my query are quite interesting. I know all about him and his wife also. It's amazing what you can find out about someone on the web with just a phone number. My ex admitted to me that the information I found was true. As for his wife, she hasn't figured it out yet and it's been going on for years. The reasons I didn't tell her sooner are 1- I didn't want to act out of anger and 2-To protect myself during the divorce. She's disabled but, not an invalid. As for financial or medical support, a good lawyer will take care of that and he'll pay for the lawyer too. As for my revenge, I got that by divorcing her without being a jerk. She now knows what she gave up and her life is a mess (her words). I think the best advice I've heard was to contact him and tell him to admit what he's done or I will have no choice but to do it for him. I'm sure I'll hear about it from my ex but, she's irrelevant to me. Thanks.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 23
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should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 7:56:03 PM

Rejection through infidelity is one of the most painful feelings leaving one near-crazy and irrational. How about going to see a counsellor to get some professional feedback on your ideas and plan?
Now, IMO THAT'S the best advice you've been given in your thread..

Please let us know what your councilor advises op (should you decide to take LB up on her suggestion ..
 red_relaxed
Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 24
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 8:02:36 PM

I think the best advice I've heard was to contact him and tell him to admit what he's done or I will have no choice but to do it for him.

Admit what he's done? You meant doing, didn't you?
Still angry huh? Oh well... denial ain't just a river in Eygpt...

How sad that you absoulutely feel the necessity to do this since you weren't all that concerned in spilling the beans at the onset before your divorce was final.

You want your pound of flesh. You're going to be sorry you didn't honestly put this behind you sooner.
 mrmike44smile
Joined: 8/21/2009
Msg: 25
should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 8:46:12 PM
One thing I keep in my heart from the experience, I'd rather be be hurt by the truth than be killed by a lie.
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