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 fitandfun78
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 1
Cell phones and the first datePage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I realize that cell phones are basically our life-line these days and being without one can feel like you've left the house without your pants on ... but WTH is up with people checking their phones throughout a date?

This has to be one of my BIGGEST pet peeves ... I've had several dates recently where the guy's cell phone was either checked at every single time email or text or other notification or the phone sat on the table and was checked numerous times. It's gotten to the point where I've had to make comments about it, such as "Boy, you must be popular", and it's only then that they take it down a notch.

I really don't get why a phone is even a part of a date, unless you've got kids with a babysitter or have something going on in your life that may require you to be reached ... I hardly even take my phone out of my purse on a date, even if it's not a good date. Just seems the ettiquette is getting worse and worse. Anyone else having this sort of "problem"?
 just browsing the forums
Joined: 8/30/2009
Msg: 2
Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 7:39:35 AM
Yes it has happened to me as well. Before we sit down I just say that I have to leave my cell on just in case my son calls and they seem to be okay with it.
As long as the date says something before hand that they are expecting an important call then that is fine with me otherwise it should be left silent.

happy
 farceur
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 3
Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 7:45:04 AM
I'm going to leave mine at home next time I go out. I kind of like the idea of being able to feel like I'm not wearing pants even when I have them on. I'll make sure it's a warm enough day and I'm not expecting an important call.
 caninechum
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 4
Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 7:49:53 AM
On a first date I'd be tolerant about such things. People can get nervous and fidget with pens, gadgets etc.
 GWSmith
Joined: 12/18/2008
Msg: 5
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Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 8:04:55 AM
usually I put my phone away, but I like to know the time (I'm somewhat obsessive compulsive). Also, I am always on call for my job with 12 hours notice so sometimes I HAVE to answer the phone, does not mean I want to.

Some people are addicted to their phones too.
 Kay9876
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 6
Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 8:17:19 AM
...This has to be one of my BIGGEST pet peeves ... I've had several dates recently where the guy's cell phone was either checked at every single time email or text or other notification or the phone sat on the table and was checked numerous times. ... I really don't get why a phone is even a part of a date, unless you've got kids with a babysitter or have something going on in your life that may require you to be reached ... Anyone else having this sort of "problem"?

I've only seen it with one man. His adult children call frequently, and he feels compelled to answer in every instance. I (almost) understand, as I always answer when my adult children call, too. If there is an emergency, I want to be there for them.

The difference is that my children almost never call my cell. Only a handful of people know my cell number, and all of them know I rarely use it. I prefer to use my home phone for local calls and yahoo for long distance. If it's not an emergency, it can wait until I get home.

Not many people are willing to give up (heavy) cell phone use, so I suppose it's inevitable that we accept frequent interruption while others check their cell phones. Cell phone "obsession" might ruin more good conversations than anything else in our culture. *sigh*
 Shamefullpride
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 7
Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 8:23:10 AM
Your comments on this matter would serve you better if you put them under "first date" ideas on your profile.

Just a way to express your feeling to potential dates and to let them in on your way of thinking before hand. Not everyone reads the forums. But everyone who contacts you sees your profile!
 vanililly
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 8
Cell phone
Posted: 9/20/2009 8:29:39 AM
Hey there, as for your "WTH is up with people checking their phones throughout a date?" question, I might have an answer.

When I'm out, my cell is the lifeline to my kid. And no matter who the date is, my kid is still #1 priority, so I'll check why my phone is buzzing, explain I'm just checking if it's my child, the not answer if it is anyone else.

I also don't mind when my date excuses himself to pick up a phone for a valid reason.

What would be a dealbreaker is if the call would have to be hushed and ushered out of the room where I am.

I think it's actually kind of cute when he picks up a phone and says to his buddy "hey, I'm with xyz, I'll call you back" and his buddy seems to know who I am.

Best of luck to you!
:-)
 itechman63
Joined: 7/7/2005
Msg: 9
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Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 8:39:19 AM

I realize that cell phones are basically our life-line these days and being without one can feel like you've left the house without your pants on ... but WTH is up with people checking their phones throughout a date?


Makes me wonder where my cell phone would be if I left my house without my pants on.

The cell phone can provide some indicators on a date based upon it's presence.

I understand the concept on early meetings/dates of having the "girlfriend check-in with the emergency story" for her possible escape if it's not going well. I completely support that 21st Century dating concept for women.

Constantly taking calls, texting, or checking the cell phone can give indicators that you're not wowing her on the date or that she's not going to have the attention span in a relationship or both. Not a negative toward the woman directly, just gives you a perspective of where you stand immediately and/or will stand while in a relationship with her.

I set mine on vibrate and will only check it periodically at non-intrusive times. If it's an emergency with the kids, I'll know soon enough. I'll see my friends later. As a man safety isn't as much a concern and I believe men can assure an abrupt 'escape' with a polite honesty more easily than can a woman so there's no reason me to use the cell phone as a tool or signal. I believe a woman would have more reason to do so.
 callmelori
Joined: 12/3/2008
Msg: 10
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History
Cell phone
Posted: 9/20/2009 8:40:38 AM
VaniLilly typed...
"When I'm out, my cell is the lifeline to my kid. And no matter who the date is, my kid is still #1 priority, so I'll check why my phone is buzzing, explain I'm just checking if it's my child, the not answer if it is anyone else. "

I'm with her. I'll let the guy know I'm checking to see if it is one of my sons. I don't answer it if it is someone else. Rarely will I get calls when I'm out unless it's one of my sons.

I dated a guy for a few years that was like the OP stated. He checked his cell constantly and if we were at his house and the landline rang, he would run upstairs to listen to the message. He did that regardless of what was going on. Needless to say, that did become a little annoying, but hey, I figure everyone is different and has different needs. Knowing everything that is going on was one of his needs.
 SoftAndHappy
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 11
Cell phone
Posted: 9/20/2009 8:47:18 AM
I am only addressing those WITHOUT children or work obligations...

Somewhere along the line, getting a lot of phone calls and being seen as a busy person translated to the unavailable person being 'cool'.

It's SO high school - but a lot of people still cling to this belief. They want to be seen as 'cool'.

I don't have time for 'cool' people. They are too cool for me.
 tinytowngoddess
Joined: 11/5/2006
Msg: 12
Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 9:54:45 AM
I take my cell phone with me everywhere. I will go back home to get it if I forget it. I don't have children, but I do take care of my mother, so that communication device is very necessary for me.

That being said... when I have a date, I tell everyone I think might call me that I will be unavailable, and leave it at that. I tell my date in advance that if my mother calls, I will answer, but anyone else can wait. My cell phone allows me to attach specific ring tones to specific people, so most of the time, I know who is calling or texting without looking at my phone. I keep the volume on it's lowest setting, so if it does ring, it won't be intrusive. And if it's not my mom's ringtone, I don't even look at it. I've had men even say to me, "Don't you need to get that?" To which I reply, "No, they can wait." Then, since I carry it on me, I can check it while I am in the restroom, if I feel I need to.

Good manners are good manners, whether they apply to cell phones or anything else. Communication (of the non-cellular-phone kind) will alleviate any misunderstandings.

J.
 _Icon_
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 13
Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 10:07:33 AM
It's not just dating. I have clients that sit right in front of me, on the phone wasting my time. I guess they want me to proceed while they are on the phone, but that is quite impossible.

I have begun saying to them "Excuse me, I will be back when you are ready." Then I walk away while they finish their call.

I haven't had this situation happen on a date, but my response might be similar if I did.
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 14
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Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 10:12:10 AM
Especially if it's the first date and he feels the need to check his cell phone, chances are very HIGH that there won't be a second date. Unless he is a Doctor on call, he can have the darn phone on mute and check it after the date. We did have a life before cell phones came out, and some folks need to get a life, instead of letting their phones run their lives. It's just plain RUDE!
 Torchy84
Joined: 4/28/2009
Msg: 15
Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 10:16:01 AM
I bring my cell phone along in case whoever I'm with is beyond creepy. It's a safety thing and it's nice that my flatmates check in on me at least once to make sure I'm still alive and well. This means that, yes, I have to respond at least once to let them know I'm okay. In this day and age, I don't think that's unreasonable for either gender.

However, what you describe is a bit extreme. There is no excuse beyond emergencies or crucial situations where the person you're with needs to constantly be on the phone (texting or talking). I think that's just rude. I've had that issue with one guy...but he turned out to be okay otherwise and I sort of looked past it. It could be my age though. I'm used to people being "connected" all the time.
 NCPantherFan
Joined: 5/7/2009
Msg: 16
Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 11:27:05 AM
ugh...Had a first date with someone a couple of years ago. His cell rang constantly, was his grown daughter calling, asking him about the date. Had my cell with me, but was on vibrate. Was a miserable date trying to talk with him between calls.
 1kindMan4U
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 17
Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 11:45:30 AM
Welcome to the OH OH's. As in we had the 80's, the 90's and now since 2 OH OH one we are in the OH OH's

There is a study coming out about a new malady they are labeling E.A.D.D. and E.A.H.D. both of these used to be known as L.O.C.C.

Electronic Attention Deficit Disorder & Electronic Adult Hyperactivity Disorder.

It seems people these day are hyper-inflating their own self-importance to become so tethered to a simple communication device. I understand the need to be alert when you have a child at home or have someone with a life-altering/threatening event happening to where you want to be accessible. In the old day, you told the sitter and/or family member the restaurant you were going to, or the movie show where to reach you.. IN AN EMERGENCY.

This is where the L.O.C.C. comes in. It's been around forever, only now it might need to be renamed and labeled L.O.C.C.W.U.E.D

Lack Of Common Courtesy When Using Electronic Devices.

I guess you can remake your qualifying list of the qualities you want in a partner

1. looks
2.manner
3.employed
4.$$$$
5.marriageablity
6.height (since women have Height-itus - the need for taller-than-me-in-heels-so-the-eventual-wedding-pictures-look-good
7. How he/she handles their cell phone when on a date.

The rest of the list wont matter anymore. If they cant get past the first 7, sheeesh.. dont go/ask out on a 2nd date.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 18
Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 11:48:41 AM
Have only encountered a little of this myself, which may be partly age-related, but there sure are a lot of complaints about it. What I don't get is, since it appears no one likes it, why is anyone still doing it? You'd think they'd notice.

A date should be treated like a theater event, in my opinion - all phone sound off. No exceptions, no excuses. If there's a real emergency, the person having it can have the venue page you just like people used to before we had cell phones. Anything that doesn't require that degree of disturbance can wait until the date is over.

Obviously that's an ideal, not an expectation (people do love their phones), but I shut off the sound on my own phone when on a date. So it isn't entirely unrealistic that someone else might do this, too. Maybe even your next date!

I have twice let it go when a date I liked otherwise was very attached to the phone, and it was a bad idea. They went on to demonstrate that they did not value my time or their own in other ways, as well. I ask more about this now before meeting.
 fitandfun78
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 19
Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 12:13:15 PM
I don't mind the occasional checking of the phone, and like I said, I understand if you have kids, but many of the men I've gone out with haven't, and to me, in my opinion, it's very rude to be focusing on people who aren't even there with you when you have someone sitting across the table from that you're trying to get to know. I've had men carry-on hour-long text conversations with their buddies while we were out, snickering and chuckling at little things they text ... then giving me the play-by-play, as if I care.

I'm even urked when my friends are glued to their phones/text messages when we're out in a small group. Seriously? Pay attention to the person who's IN FRONT OF YOU unless it's urgent or absolutely necessary to keep in touch with someone. It screams to me that I'm not worth your complete attention, and that's a pretty sh1tty message to put out to someone you're on a date with. I don't think it's all that hard to silence the phone and excuse yourself ot the restroom to check it if need be (obviously if your phone is not NEEDED like I've stated before).
 notflakey
Joined: 8/19/2009
Msg: 20
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History
Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 12:21:49 PM
I agree! WTH. Unless you have kids....let's payattention to the person that your with or ...if it isn't working. Leave and go back home. Didn't go out with you to have you answering your phone all night. Or if it is important...excuse yourself and go talk in the hall....
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 21
Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 12:23:15 PM

...and like I said, I understand if you have kids...

Well I don't. I think it's part of the growing cultural fetishization of indulging children, which is resulting in an awful lot of spoiled, rude kids who lack boundaries and limits (as do their parents), like that guy and his adult daughter mentioned in an earlier post.

If the person watching them can't handle them, then why is that person watching them? And why are you teaching your children that the world does, in fact, revolve around them, and that they are not to value your time or that of your date? These are not good lessons.


I check my phone because I don't wear a watch.

Checking your watch on a date, as in any other setting wherein the other party has a reasonable expectation of having your attention, would also be less than desirable.
 Sherlock101
Joined: 1/4/2007
Msg: 22
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Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 12:26:37 PM
I think it's a matter of maturity and respect unless your oncall for work or have children at home of a young age. When I go on a date I leave my cell in the car, if on a date and she is getting constant calls I have been known to cut the date short.
 callmelori
Joined: 12/3/2008
Msg: 23
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Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 12:48:57 PM
Helen0426 typed...
"Well I don't. I think it's part of the growing cultural fetishization of indulging children, which is resulting in an awful lot of spoiled, rude kids who lack boundaries and limits (as do their parents), like that guy and his adult daughter mentioned in an earlier post."

An adult daughter calling to check on the date isn't the same as kids at home while someone is out on a date. Children up to age 18 should have access at all times to their parents. After a certain age, a babysitter is no longer required. Also, children between the ages of 16 & 18 who may be driving need access in case something happens, like they are in a car accident. And even though that child can drive, I can't imagine any parent wanting the child to drive him/herself to the ER if there was accident in the home. Good grief!

In most cases, it is not a "cultural fetishization of indulging children...resulting in an awful lot of spoiled, rude kids who lack boundaries and limits (as do their parents)." Rather it's being a responsible parent. I don't know any single parents who would totally ignore a call from their children over someone they have met for a first date. If it was something serious, the parent would never forgive him/herself. This is only my opinion and how I've raised my sons (who are both extremely well adjusted and well mannered), but when I made the decision to have children, I made a commitment to my children to do my best to care for them, which includes taking a phone call from them on a date. They do not call me unless they absolutely need something or have gotten hurt.

If someone can't understand children having access to their parents while the parents are out, I'd say don't date people with kids. It's on everyone's profile, so it should be easy to weed those people out. :)
 1kindMan4U
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 24
Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 1:20:50 PM
Helen, after checking your profile and seeing that you DOESNT WANT KIDS, your response makes perfect sense. I wont argue whether you are right or wrong in your viewpoint. I WILL make the strong suggestion that you DONT date men who have children. Your viewpoint wont go over very well IF he is a responsible father and/or is connected with family in a way that is obviously foreign to you. There is a line in teaching your children proper boundaries versus OVER-indulging them to the point of making them think their tail is going to wag the parent dog. I dont think you'll be able to find an intelligent dialog on these forums where YOU will get much support.

It would be way too long a diatribe to try to explain to you parental concern OR the potential emergencies that just CAN come up when a person is away from their kids.

The idea that you become UNavailable when out socially is virtually NOT possible for parents. At least not for the majority of them.

Edit: As focused as I have been on PROPER parenting, I Agree with the general thread of your comment though. People these days ARENT properly parenting their kids and are INFLICTING some pretty unruly rugrats onto society. You see it in restaurants, and just generally out in public. Then, if you look at them askance where it's OBVIOUS their child is out of control, YOU get attacked for even having an opinion. I've seen it and I hear ya on that one.

There is a whole "Dont tell me how to raise my kids" mindset that seems to be locked into the minds of the WORST parents in the world out there.

It's as if the "rights and reasonable expectations of civility and behavior for the comfort of society" have taken a backseat to the rights to procreate and drop these little unruly whelps on the rest of us.

 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 25
Cell phones and the first date
Posted: 9/20/2009 1:38:52 PM
*LOL*

I date parents... sane ones, who trust the people the children are with, often the other parent, and don't want to instill in their children an excessive sense of entitlement which will serve them and those around them increasingly ill as they grow up. They'll usually take a minute to call home once during the evening to check on the kid(s) and say good-night. My parents went out sometimes when I was a child, too, and did the same. Amazingly, this didn't do me or my brother any harm at all.

Had a feeling that'd get me some grief - but the idea that a parent must provide 24-7 access in order to be responsible and attentive is purely the invention of cell phone manufacturers. Were this really necessary, no surgeon, member of the armed forces, firefighter, nurse, pilot, anyone who ever wants to have sex again, judge, police officer, or air traffic controller, just to name a few off the top of my head, could be considered a fit parent.

I do not think it is a coincidence that civility in general seems to have been a good deal more commonplace when 24-7 access was not possible. And dates were only interrupted for real emergencies, for which people were paged. Which is a system that still works just fine.
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