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 Walygatr
Joined: 8/25/2009
Msg: 2
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How do you get over it all?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Unfortunately that's the way it goes. You have to learn to adapt. Your kids know the difference between mom and step mom, although they may test you on it at some point. Just be the best parent you know how to be and you will be fine.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 3
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How do you get over it all?
Posted: 9/22/2009 6:22:11 PM
The way to keep from having your anger cause you problems (not to avoid GETTING angry, as that is more involuntary), is to discover exactly what you are angry about, in detail. You obviously know some of the general reasons for it, and you certainly have plenty to be angry about. When you can say exactly what you are angry about IN THESE SITUATIONS, you will be able to process your emotions rationally.
Right now, you know why you are angry at your ex, in general, but that is about the past. It is the current events that you are angry about now, the time spent with someone else in YOUR place at the events of their lives. I find that if I can verbalize to myself, exactly what I am angry at in such situations, that the anger is easier to deal with because I can translate the anger into a course of action to take to improve my situation. At times where I discover that my anger is about something that the situation REMINDS me of, I find that the anger at the present situation dissipates, since it flows in the direction it belongs (the past item I was reminded of).
It is likely to take you some time to go through different situations and discover what you need to about yourself, so give yourself some time.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 4
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How do you get over it all?
Posted: 9/22/2009 6:43:41 PM
If the woman said she doesn't come to their games to flaunt things in your face you aren't doing a good job of hiding anything and if you think you are over this man, you are fooling yourself because if you were, this whole thing wouldn't even register on your radar. Please take a step back and read your original post. It is very angry and you even begin by saying you are frustrated and angry with them both.

Part of the problem is that you are still hanging onto the past hurts and aren't moving forward. What they did was wrong they are both shitheads but she is the shithead that is helping to raise your boys and that is the reality that you must deal with. I understand you feel like she took your life but you need to understand that your boys are substantially better off than most.

I am a stepmom, for 19 years now, my stepson in the last few years started calling me mom, not because I replaced his mom (he has a good relationship with her) but because I cared enough to raise him. This woman cares about your boys, there is no maximum limit to the people that can care for your children. Her family while you don't like them, also obviously care for your boys, something you should try to appreciate because many biological extended families don't bother to show up for kids' games.

I didn't like my stepson's mother, she was neglectful and he suffered a great deal because of that and the affairs that she had up until about ten years ago but I sucked it up and tried the best I could to be amicable with her because I loved my stepson. She also didn't like me very much but she did learn to trust me and to see that I was a better alternative than an uninvolved or hateful step-parent. She and I are now actually good friends, my kids think of her like an aunt. When I was occupied with my daughter at my mother-in-law's funeral, it was my stepson's mother that held my middle son when he broke down crying.

Try an exercise, if this woman had met your ex after you had split, it would still probably have been uncomfortable that she was taking on a parental role with your children but do you really think it would bother you now? You need to find a way to ignore the circumstances of their union and look at the positive side for your sons who have another adult that they can rely on, this is not a bad thing.

My son was on a baseball team this spring that was quite extraordinary. The coach's son and stepson were on the team. With the remarriages, there were by then, six people involved and they all worked together to raise these children. If you didn't know the backstory, you would watch the guys and the women and think they were all good friends. Another couple had a similar situation, the bio mom was going to school and the stepmom and dad had no problems helping to work around her schedule just as she was amicable working around anything they had going and they had a child on the way. They didn't look at it as, oh, he has the kids, so it isn't my problem if he can't pick them up, without the enmity, they just did whatever made the most sense in various situations.

I suspect if the woman made the comment that she doesn't come to the games to flaunt their relationship she would probably like things to be more amicable. No one can undo the past but you have a choice about how you move forward. If you can honestly say that you would not like her or her family in different circumstances then all you can do is just make the best of things, be civil, try to be cordial for the sake of your children.

And here's the thing, hon, you are saddled with your ex and this woman if they remain together for the rest of your life. By not learning to let go of this you will make graduations, weddings, births, and all of the other holidays in your future difficult for your kids and much less happy for you. You mentioned she didn't get a prize, maybe that is the beginning of seeing this differently, i.e. she got exactly what she deserves but you also have to remember that sometimes someone that was a nightmare for you is exactly right for someone else so the misery you imagine may also never happen.

My ex is bipolar and I have purchased some books on anger and forgiveness for my kids. I got over all of the b.s. he put me through a long time ago and while I used to indulge in the could, should, and would haves relative to him particularly with respect to the children, yannow, there is no point, it isn't going to change anything and the best I can do is help my children cope with dealing with a bipolar father who doesn't seek treatment.

For you, you need to forgive this man, not for him, but so that you are no longer experiencing negative emotions every time you think about him. You are also probably not hiding things as well as you think you are from your boys. Kids are smart and they pick up on subtle nuances that adults might miss. And if nothing else propels you to do some reading or seek counseling, remember that every moment of negative thought or emotion you spend on this man and his wife takes away from parenting your children to the best of your ability just as would be the case if you had something going on at work, for example.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 6
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How do you get over it all?
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:23:34 PM
I've been there. Facing my ex and the "other woman" - with the ex being ever more "parently" in order to impress her, and then showing up together at the kid's hockey games and being oh-so-lovey-dovey. Oh man, it fried my azz. It fried my azz that it fried my azz - I know "better" than this. Right.

It didn't matter that my head could get that it was better to live this out this way for my kid's sake. It didn't matter that the ex was a better parent to my kid when the gf was around to impress. It didn't matter that I no longer wanted that relationship. It was a constant rubbing of my nose in the loss. In the devastation of the affair and them seeming to sail on out of it with no loss while I was left holding the bag. In the "we're not a family anymore" sh!t sandwich that is the grief work of the end of a relationship.

I so 'get' your anger. I know the stomach sinking and churning when you turn the corner and there they are. I know the hollow feeling as you pretend to watch the kids game but you are totally consumed by "them" and so completely distracted that you can't focus. Not fun at all, eh?

What helped me out of the abyss was to focus on the good for my kid. It was good for her to see two people who could work out their problems in order to be there for her. The new gf was good for my kid. It didn't matter that the ex was a bit of a hypocrite in being with the kid; the kid had the benefit of the attention and didn't know the hypocrisy. Focusing on that lifted the corner of my anger so I could get my hands on it a little.

The anger was hurting me. As long as I was consumed by the anger I really did have a loss - I was completely unwilling to have this situation have me lose me. So I had to get me back. I went into therapy and I beat pillows. I said all the nasty, evil, unfair things as I beat the pillow with a giant plastic baseball bat. I said things I would never, ever have voiced because they were unfair and unreasonable, but they were feelings that were lurking around inside of me. I cried with compassion for my pain. I wallowed in my pain in the safety of a therapist's office. I forgave my ex. Oh, man, that was hard. I judged my ex and then forgave... and later on let it go.

What farceur said in his post is accurate. Look for the other emotions. Change your perspective away from these things were done TO you. They weren't, they were just living their lives. I found aspects absurd, and found myself laughing in the same situations that once had me churned up with sick anger. I rose above it. I found compassion for myself and my ex. I found acceptance and out of that, some peace.

I can't say it is all peaceful. My ex asked me to lunch last year, wanting to rekindle a friendship. I said I didn't want to be friends. I don't, but I am no longer churning with hurt and anger.

I wish you peace.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 7
How do you get over it all?
Posted: 9/22/2009 10:13:21 PM

The part that makes me angry is that she gets to enjoy my childrens' activities as if they were her own. My children are not her children. I don't like her, or her family. Yes, they come to my children's activities as well. I can totally understand the boys dad being there.


Are you holding her responsible for the affair/break up?

I agree with the other posters that for some reason you didn't get closure. Otherwise the ex, new wife and her in-laws actions would be bouncing off of you like marshmellow bullets. They wouldn't even sting let alone hurt.

Find out what's bothering you and exorcise it(therapy), keep your eye on the prize (your kids) and give your kids some credit. In the end they will know who was there for them when it mattered. You ARE the Mom.

The most cherished gift I have ever received was a Mothers Day card from my daughter.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 8
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How do you get over it all?
Posted: 9/22/2009 10:22:14 PM
I know you say you are so over him but you are not anywhere near over them or their cheating or her having your life. She has the life of a cheater who got a cheater, sure maybe they were better together than you two and maybe they won't cheat on each other but that's kind of doubtful.

There's a fine line between getting along for the children and condoning someone treating you like shit and then marrying their lover, at what point do you teach your kids morals and also not damage them just because dad and his wife were trash? I don't think you are suppose to just let it roll off your back like Dad is great, he obviously is not great. Then again, even her family shows up for the games, they must love your kids, so there's that. I wonder what her family thinks of cheating lying scum, but I digress. Do yourself a favor and let the anger go, you'll never get back to where you were, and you will never fully let yourself be with someone else until you let it go.
 WalkingInLondon
Joined: 2/21/2005
Msg: 10
How do you get over it all?
Posted: 9/23/2009 6:42:23 AM
Dear OP,
I can totally relate to your situation. There were a few differences though. I would pour my heart and soul into getting my daughter ready for pageants, recitals, performaces at the theatre (she was acting at our local theatre from a very young age), and then the ex and his wife would come in for the big finish and stand and clap like they had done something and get congratulations and shake hands like THEY had done something, instead of my child. I would just fume inside, but I tried to let it go. My friends, my true friends, knew that I was the one doing all the parenting and he was just there to show off at the end.

But you know what, by the time she got older, she quit telling him when her events were. He would find out afterwards and she would tell him she forgot. I didn't interfere, I figured if she wanted him there she would tell him about it.

One thing she did invite him to was her high school graduation. He promised he would be there with the family. I was there, with my boyfriend, my parents were there, her father's sister was there with her daughter, but guess what? Her father didn't bother to show up. He gave her a wad of cash later, but it didn't make up for him not showing up.

So listen, when you see your ex and his new wife at those events, remember, at least they are showing up for the games, not just the playoffs. They are giving your children love and support, and your kids need that from both sides.

Yeah, she's a horrible woman for screwing around with your husband and he's a turd for being unfaithful, but get a voodoo doll and stick pins in it until you feel better. But put on a happy face in front of your kids, and never say anything negative about your ex to them. Just don't say anything at all if you can't say anything nice. If you do, it will come back to bite you in the butt.

And remember, you reap what you sow, and she's sown her seeds...so just watch and wait.

Beth
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 12
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How do you get over it all?
Posted: 9/23/2009 9:01:34 AM
OP, the problem here, is that you are a short term thinker with no philosophy about life. There is no "your" when it comes to people....doesn't matter if it's "your" kids or "your" husband. They will alway do things out of your control. The only thing that truly is yours, is control over yourself. Lifes road has bumps in it, and that's all there is to it. Your small problems will cure themselves in time....kids grow up and leave home to live their own life. How will any of this matter then? If you still think this small stuff is a big deal, take yourself down to the local hospital for a visit, and see what some real problems look like. Maybe when it occurs to you that you were able to walk out under your own power, you will appreciate how small your concerns really are.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 14
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How do you get over it all?
Posted: 9/23/2009 9:16:26 AM

What farceur said in his post is accurate. Look for the other emotions. Change your perspective away from these things were done TO you. They weren't, they were just living their lives. I found aspects absurd, and found myself laughing in the same situations that once had me churned up with sick anger. I rose above it. I found compassion for myself and my ex. I found acceptance and out of that, some peace.

This may be the best single piece of advice given on this thread, it is something I have learned to apply the last couple of years and it makes a huge difference between taking a long time to get over someone or something and letting it go almost effortlessly.

We meet people and they usually wind up being entirely different from who they wish they are and who they have presented themselves to be. When you walk away feeling as if it was some kind of plot, that the individual purposely lied to you, whether true or not, it hurts a great deal but if you believe that the person did not intentionally hurt you, that he is guilty only of what we are all guilty of, not knowing ourselves as well as we should, it just doesn't have the same kind of power over you and you realize you aren't missing anything but the relationship you thought you had.

It is the epitome of selfish but they didn't have an affair and remain together to hurt you, they just didn't factor you into the equation, which totally sucks but I think there is something that is easier when you don't imagine ulterior motives.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 16
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How do you get over it all?
Posted: 9/23/2009 9:32:45 AM
Nah, Green.apple, it's done.

It sucks that he had an affair. It is wrong.

BUT, one just can't stay there, stuck in the anger about it. And the sadness that lies under the anger. Letting that anger rob one of the life one could be having and seeping into the pores of everything one touches.

Ones life just can't be all about "my husband had an affair 5 years ago". << That surely is the path to misery.

They have a relationship with the children. Life goes on.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 17
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How do you get over it all?
Posted: 9/23/2009 9:38:15 AM

My point is more than clear. The new wife had a choice. She didn't really have to ruin other people's marriage/life. Or interfere. Now that she had done it, it is quite hypocritical and absurd to label her as " supportive and nice to kids".. it's absurd!

The woman was a skank but realistically that is ancient history and I agree, she shouldn't be nearly as pissed at the wife as she is at her ex because HE was the one who decided to stray from his vows. Some men/women will, some won't no matter what a third party does or does not do.

When you have children, your needs come second. When there is discord and a marriage splits, regardless of the reason, you choose the behavior that is best for your children regardless of what the other person is doing. My ex recently went on a rant in front of the children and said he hopes I marry someone that beats the hell out of me the way I deserve.

Does it serve any purpose for my kids if I become angry that he would be so hateful and also do it in front of them? No, it doesn't which is why the comment really only registered when my daughter's friend who happened to be here mentioned it. I have had dozens of opportunities to behave badly but I choose not to because I do not want anyone to have so much power over me that their bad behavior can change the person I am.

We teach our children by example. Your ex chose to make a poor one. Hopefully he is making a better one now. Every day we wake up with the ability to put a smile on our faces and have a good day no matter the adversity we face or to have a bad one. Or we can barely get by, nursing bitterness and hatred and robbing ourselves of the joy life has to offer. Which kind of men do you want your boys to grow up to be?
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 18
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How do you get over it all?
Posted: 9/23/2009 10:53:52 AM
You're not over him. You say you are, but I think not. If you're over him this crushing anger would be gone...truly gone. It takes time to get there. And often if you don't you're shaped by that anger in the cruelest of ways.

For instance one of these days...when you're still hanging on to this anger, your kid may come over and say something completely complimentary about her...and completely normal for a child to do who has no issues at all with the new arrangement...with the new mom-like figure...and you'll likely just about pop inside. And you think that you can keep this stuff..'inside'...you can't for long...it seeps out..it's toxic.
To your children, you'll seem 'weird' for not understanding the 'x' is really nice...
Remember kids for a long time play and live by simple school yard rules...'be nice'...is one of them...that includes you mom.
If you keep this up...you'll start having moments where you'll secretly also resent your kids a bit for taking her side...for liking her baked ham..for loving how she does something unique with them.
If you don't allow this woman in...to make a life of her own with your kids...and really just try to see if from a mother perspective instead of a wife...it'll impact 'your relationship' with your kids.
If it goes on long enough...you'll find that your kids when they can make choices
about where to spend their tween/teenage years...'where to hang'...they will not choose
Moms' because Mom is cranky..who knows why they'll wonder...after awhile they'll stop caring why...and move with their feet.
Mom's unending crankiness will also be off-putting for finding dates...(baggage)
All the more reason to hate 'her' right??? No. All the more reason to deal with it - now.
It's an insidious path...and it will pull and suck at you until there is not much left and you'll end up in an emotional ditch and 10 years older.
Find whatever help you can to move past it. You've been angry for a long time.
You can get past it. Let the wife dream with him go. It's over.

You say she 'took' your life...
Your husband broke the contract with you...
Your husband chose another partner to 'share' his life...
It's not so much about the cheating as it is about a rejection of you. And yes, that will sting for a while. Deal with learning to handle that.
Build yourself up instead of focusing your energy on wondering why she is there.
She's there because he chose her; and yes, that sucks.
She physically takes a spot by his side because he made room for her there.
Your anger toward her...is likely somehow easier than placing it toward him...and inward toward you and dealing with whatever went wrong between you both. Even if he cheated.
There's a reason why he did and it has something to do with you and him and your marriage...don't kid yourself any longer and just continue to blame him...to blame her.
Take the cheating away and out of this. Would this feel any better really if he just decided one day on divorcing you and summarily marrying the next woman he met within months of the ink being dry? Not too darn likely. Your anger would have been there as well...to whatever woman. He broke the dream. We've all been there.
To deal with it...you have to be looking at the right issue and focusing on the right person.
That's what's going to get this over for you sooner rather than later.

Don't be concerned about being usurped from your role.
People who knew you as 'x'...will now know you differently.
The most important role in your life is the one that you don't get out of quite that easily...and one which your kids won't ever confuse....even if separated.
Any new partner for you or him doesn't change the position of where you each are and will always be in your child's life.
Choose carefully how you want your feelings about losing the role of wife to subjugate and possibly damage the greater and more lasting role of mother.
The kids can live through having more people in their lives that love them---they really can.
Be happy that the picture that they show to the world your ex and his wife ...is to you and all at least a familiar one...because if it weren't....that would truly be an awful nightmare to think of your children having to live a court-induced sentence for half of their lives.

Take care...you can get there from wherever you are right now.

jmo

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 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 19
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How do you get over it all?
Posted: 9/23/2009 11:03:47 AM

Margo: "Ones life just can't be all about "my husband had an affair 5 years ago"

green.apple: This is true, but don't you think it's much harder to achieve when she actually has to deal with it so often and come in contact with them during children events etc? It'd be much easier if she could avoid seeing them. At least that's how I see it. I view it as a torture for her having to actually meet them and see them in that kind of context ( with kids).. I don't think the rule " move on and forget about it" is so easily applied here...

And there is nothing wrong with anger, it's healthy. It's much worse ( health wise) to act nicely toward the people who didn't deserve a nice treatment, but quite the contrary.

Much harder? oh my yes, it is much harder.

One cannot dictate "you can't come to the kid's events" one can't dictate "your wife can't come to the kid's events". Both of them have a relationship with the kids. So it is harder, much harder, to grieve, heal and move on when one is faced with the reminders on a regular basis.

It is also, conversely, easier. Because one gets a new 'hit' on a regular basis one can't slide into complacency and quietly become a member of the ranks of the walking wounded. Tremendous personal growth is possible out of pain like this, and the constant reminders can serve a purpose to feel oneself heal, and to be aware of progress and what is left to work on.

And there is nothing wrong with anger, it's healthy. It's much worse ( health wise) to act nicely toward the people who didn't deserve a nice treatment, but quite the contrary.

Oh my, there is nothing wrong with anger... it is a legitimate emotional response. But there is something VERY wrong when you hold onto it for so long. It's being stuck in anger and the adverse health effects of THAT are extraordinarily damaging.

At this stage of the game, some five years later, I doubt that the OP's very genuine and legitimate anger is doing no one any harm except for herself, and possibly her relationship and enjoyment of her kids. It's not punishing him or his new wife... it is costing the OP her life.

One can be socially polite to people one can't stand, and go away and privately express ones anger and disgust. That is a healthy expression of anger that does not harm the relationships one must maintain. And the OP must maintain some semblance of a relationship with the father of her children and his new wife... because that is what is best for the kids.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 20
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How do you get over it all?
Posted: 9/23/2009 11:13:26 AM
Yes green.apple, you are stuck on this. Of course the best thing would be for the family to stay intact.

It didn't.

One HAS to deal with the reality of WHAT IS, not a wish for things to have been different, for people to have made different choices, for it not to have rained last Wednesday. And for my life to have gone how I planned.

Given that life is what happens when you're making other plans... what is best for the kids Now?

And I'll tell you one thing for absolutely certain, what is best for the kids now is not a mother who can't get past the disappointments and devastation in her life.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 21
How do you get over it all?
Posted: 9/23/2009 1:35:26 PM
There's a book that I think it's called the Happy thinking handbook that list the 10 ways of distorted thinking. This is a key element used to tread people with depression. You need to get to the root of YOUR distorted thinking and correct it, so whatever that woman does, doesn't affect you.
 Walygatr
Joined: 8/25/2009
Msg: 22
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How do you get over it all?
Posted: 9/23/2009 2:33:15 PM
When my daughters mother left me for another man I was devastated. When she left him 6 months later for another man I was like "haha". When she left that guy for another man 1 year later I said "I have to get my daughter out of there" Which I did. What seems like a loss now will surely seem like a blessing down the road. Trust me on this.
 19justice78
Joined: 7/23/2008
Msg: 23
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How do you get over it all?
Posted: 9/23/2009 2:40:26 PM
Have you ever herd of the "kill them with kindness" well of course it's hard it wouldn't be life if it didn't. You need to remember what he did to you he will do to her. Give it time. As long they know that it erks you they are winning. It's time that you win. Don't EVER let someone know that got the best of you. Act like life is great and be glad she got the loser and you didn't. You are the winner here he or she isn't. They deserve each other. Sooner or later the kids will get that to and won't have anything to do with them Wait and see. Cry in private, kill in private but smile to the public. Believe me it will pay off in the end.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 25
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How do you get over it all?
Posted: 9/24/2009 2:31:11 PM
^^^^^^^What he said.
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