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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 1
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
This question was prompted by another question I posted in "ask a guy". In a couple of weeks I'm meeting a guy I met on another site. He lives in another city about 400 miles from me. We've talked endlessly on the phone and I've asked and answered all the relevant questions. I offered my guest room (for which I was chastised to no end because he's probably just like Ted Bundy). He said he would get a hotel, so we're leaving it at that.

What I'd like to know is, as you get older, do you get more paranoid about getting outside of your comfort zone? Do you really want a relationship bad enough to extend your boundaries or do you sit alone every night waiting on someone to show up on your porch?

And before I get jumped, I'm NOT talking about just jumping on a plane and going to God knows where to meet random people. I'm talking about after talking to someone for weeks and then making a rational decision to meet them -- no matter the distance. Personally, I would rather put out a little effort so I'm never left wondering if he could have been the one.

Any intelligent input is appreciated.
 Good Ole Magic
Joined: 9/21/2009
Msg: 2
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:13:56 AM
Good question. I read your other post and think this is a bad idea for both of you but for other reasons. Not this one.

Paranoia is paranoia and it is always an impediment. Do you fight it or do you give in to it? This is a big deal because he is coming from so far away. Lloyd George said it best: "Take bold action when it is indicated. You can't jump a canyon in a series of smaller leaps." In your case, if you are not absolutely prepared to jump his bones on first sight, then call off the visit. If you are ready to do that, then let NOTHING hold you back.
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 3
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Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:41:34 AM
OP I think that there are no gains without risks. I think some people become so caught up in what they might lose that they are afraid. I don't want to live my life in fear. When I choose to, I step out of my box...heck isn't that sort of what online dating is about? A lot of people are astonished by my "fearlessness" in this area alone - aren't I scared some ax murderer will show up? Well, I'm not dangerous - why should I assume everyone online is? There is nothing wrong with being mindful of safety - meeting someone in public, etc., but who wants to live in fear?
 1kindMan4U
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 4
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:52:30 AM
I dont think there are many crazy 50-somethings within 400 miles of Tulsa. You're in the heartland.

His counter offer to take a hotel room is actually a demonstration OF a higher regard than just a "going for the booty" thinking.

I'm not sure why you are considering dating a guy over 400 miles away. Where can it go? Are either of you ready to pull up stakes and move to be with the other IF and when something DOES happen?

I wouldnt call it paranoia in my case, but since I do analysis for a living, I always project the logical possibilities and probabilities of WHERE a particular train of thought & action will lead up against pragmatic and PRACTICAL potential outcomes.

So it isnt a paranoia to go outside my comfort zone, it's just a reality check to see if I want something DIFFERENT than whatever my comfort zone is.

Extending boundaries such as AGE, or physical attractiveness is one thing. Ignoring logic and sensibility is another. Frankly, for me to be in a serious committed relationship REQUIRES the ability to be WITH this person regularly and often. If I am going to be expected to be monogamous (socially AND sexually) to someone, then I want that person to be ABLE to fill my desires and frequency. By that I mean once committed, I want to be WITH that now SIGNIFICANT other (note the word significant) probably2 to 3 times a week AND weekends. Like your post said, I'm spending enough time alone waiting for someone on my porch (or the couch).

400 miles away seems to be a huge obstacle at first glance.

There's more I COULD say, but it would just be more examples of what I've already said.

Hope it helped
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 5
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 8:07:51 AM
I'm kinda the way 1Kind is, but kinda not, too--for the right guy I'd do long-distance. I want someone to be IN my life, and eventually one of us would have to move closer. 400 miles is a long haul. My thing is, I'm going to retire soon, so moving for me wouldn't be a big deal. So long-distance could actually work for me, since I would be willing and able to move eventually.

I found someone I really liked, and he pretty much dumped me because I'm too far away (4 hours). I was willing to try, he wasn't.

Of course, I ALSO got dumped by another guy who was 4 hours away--and now, of course, he's with a woman who is 3.5 hours away, and he's FINE with that. So, the PERSON matters as well.

I'm not sure I ever HAD a "comfort zone", I seem to go for lots of different types of guys and situations. They all have certain traits (intelligence, being active, kind) that I won't give up.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 6
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 8:23:10 AM
IMHO Comfort zone = someone who is to scared to really have the type of passion I want in a mate.

I am not saying you should met someone the first time you talk to them, I agree that considerable amount of time needs to be spent getting to know a person who lives a distance away.

Op, why are you meeting this man? What about him makes you want to meet him? What is the driving reason behind it, if it is less than you have to cause you feel he is someone that you want to get to know more about, then don't waste his time, get to know more about him...in other words if it isnt a burning need then dont do it...like doesnt survive distance.

But beware, I had a man tell me he was on his way to meet this woman in Alabama and he was going to be staying with her a few days and wondered if I would like to hook up with him on his way there or on his way back. This was the first time I had spoken to him. I have met several others who travel around...they do it for entertainment so KNOW the person...ask the right questions, how often have you gone to meet someone. My next door neighbor was on a christian dating site and had a different woman in his home every other weekend, the *other weekend he was out of town.

I have a hard time finding a man I can respect, someone who can give themselves permission to be who they are, vs what the world wants them to be. Who realizes this is their life and at the end rather than saying "I lived a perfect miserable live with the 2.5 kids, college educated, worked a job they hated for x number of years to prove to everyone else they are a good man, ex wife in the subs, but rather someone who can say I made mistakes but I learned from them and the most important thing is they lived their life the way they wanted, by their rules so they dont have the regrets and hate so deep seated in their life. I want someone who's intelligence rivals mine, not saying intelligence as in book sense, but someone who has good common sense and gets my sense of humor. For that person there is nothing I wouldnt be willing to do.

Each person is unique and is thereby "the one!" They might not be "the one" for you. But if you arent in love with love and keep your head and heart together you should be able to determine if he is the person you want to learn more about and develop something with.

Good luck to you ...trust yourself more and don't listen to others about what will make you happy...listen to your own heart and mind. Doubting and paranoia is for those who are to confused to be in a relationship anyway. With someone like that you have to constantly PROVE yourself...what a drag!
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 7
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 8:24:08 AM
Thanks for the responses so far. Actually, he is retiring from the Amarillo Fire Department next year. He has semi-young kids who still live in Amarillo, so if a move was involved, it would be me. I would never expect someone to move away from youngish kids. And the lower population of Amarillo as compared to Tulsa is very enticing to me. I enjoy an adventure as much as the next person ... although he'll have to put a ring on it before I ever move out of state.

And someone above asked "why" I'm meeting him. Well, we have wonderful rapport on the phone. He's absolutely hysterical and has a great personality. He's intelligent and caring. And he's handsome -- what a bonus. I realize all this sounds wonderful on paper and the final test will be actually meeting in person to see if things are the same.

I guess the bottom line is that I've just run out of options in my immediate area and I'm willing to extend my boundaries. I don't intend to still be on-line in 10 years because I can't find someone in my backyard.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 8
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 8:24:23 AM
Double post....dang college lab computer !!!
 OnlyThis
Joined: 3/31/2009
Msg: 9
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 8:50:09 AM

do you get more paranoid about getting outside of your comfort zone?

I have traveled to see a woman and stayed in her home. The folks on these boards would have read her the riot act for doing such a terrible thing... we had a wonderful romantic adventure.

There was a thread sometime back about weekend getaways and I was just flabbergasted at the paranoid responses to such an terrible idea. I can think of nothing I would rather do that take a women away for the weekend to some great location and have done so.

I truly believe that many folks here have taken what is supposed to be fun, exciting, and romantic and reduced it to a paranoid series of rules, checklists, and misery. The good news is that these boards do not tend to reflect my actual experiences and I'm flying out of here for the weekend to prove it......................
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 10
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 9:04:59 AM
^^^Bingo

Not once in the many times I've met guys from on line have I ever been afraid for my life as many posters here suggest is happening.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 11
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 9:06:21 AM
^^^^^^ you are separated so you get enough flak just on that I bet.

Most women on the forums would prefer to have the fun, exciting and romantic adventure with someone they plan on building a life with ...not just as something to do for a weekend. The op was asking about relationship, the fact that SOME feel it is ok to use another person for a good time is what causes the "paranoid series of rules, checklists and misery"
 mirabelle13
Joined: 9/16/2009
Msg: 12
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 9:09:15 AM
I think that once you have spoken, laughed, liked, and analyzed for three - four months on the phone, the next step is to meet the person.

How do you know if the physical chemistry will be there? That alone is eventually very important to maintaining any LTR, whether long distance or local. I have done the same thing as you recently. I am glad I did it. I needed to know if the attraction was real and not just in cyberspace.

Well, comfort zone be damned. I don't think I would grow as a person and experience life without stepping out of my comfort zone. But, I have been stepping out of my zone for quite a while. (In relation to other aspects of my life.)

Sometimes I get hurt, sometimes not.
 OnlyThis
Joined: 3/31/2009
Msg: 13
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 9:45:39 AM
you are separated so you get enough flak just on that I bet.

Only in the forums.. at our age, most women understand that it is just part of the process if one is truly getting a divorce (that's all they generally want to know).

Most women on the forums would prefer to have the fun, exciting and romantic adventure with someone they plan on building a life with ...not just as something to do for a weekend.

There is the kicker. You certainly aren't going to know that at some checklist coffee meeting and you won't even know it after months of dating. Relationships have worse odds than the roulette wheel. I don't know why women do this to themselves. Attempting to "front end" the "building a life" is a path to misery. It is something that will happen outside of your control.

Dating is supposed to be about fun and romance... not an audition for the next ex.
 OnlyThis
Joined: 3/31/2009
Msg: 14
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 10:59:29 AM
No.....distance is a relationship killer

I think it would be a safe assumption that 99% of the people on pof have had a relationship killed. Wouldn't you agree? Ok, of those relationships, how many do you suppose died because of distance?

It's silly to say that distance is the problem. You are merely projecting a preference that your date be readily available to you. Not everyone feels that way. I can take an hour or two flight out on Friday and return Monday morning after a fabulous weekend, am I really worse off than the couple who saw each other a couple times during the week?

The tendency (as expressed in your note) is to look way down the road instead of focusing on meeting someone and simply having fun. If we start off by saying "it will never work", it will be a self fulfilling prophecy.
 1kindMan4U
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 15
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 3:27:01 PM
Cassa?

Now that you have POFallen for me and are considering moving to meet me, remember I am in SoCal by the beach where the ocean breezes keep the smog inland about 4 miles from me. You get views of the mountains, we can take those "romantic walks on the beach-ad-nauseum until you hate sand.

We can watch the sunset down over the ocean, or the neighbor's house to the west each night.

I think that for ANY POFemale, I am the most wonderful catch you could ever hope to find. I mean other than my humility, think of these traits and other features.

1. I live in the best year round climate in the entire U.S. other than Maui.

2. I dont have any baggage. Last time I flew they lost my luggage. Havent bought new. Now that means you'll be able to buy me a gift that fits YOUR fashion sense. Cant have your new man with ugly suitcases.

3. I still have ALL my hair. That includes what falls out in the bathroom every day for the last 7 years on the bathroom floor. I only have the last 7 years cause the place was clean when I moved in.. back in 2002.

4. I have ALMOST all my teeth. Some of the enamel has worn off or been drilled out when I had cavities filled, but other than ONE broken toof, (which I chose to crown instead of doing the appalachian gap thing) my smile could be on a Crest commercial

5. My car is paid for. Now it's a project car, a classic that I've been dragging around for years waiting for a woman's retirement money to support me while I finished it. Cassie, can you hand me that 3/8's drive 9/16 socket? Then take a ride on a creeper with me while we work on the driveshaft (extra points if you know what all that means)
My other car is a truck. It too is a classic. 1968. I rebuilt it myself using the automechanic skills I learned in HS and used to own a repair business at 18.

6. I rent right now and NEVER lived in my current digs with ANY of my ex's. So if you liked my place, we wouldnt have any of HER "scent of a woman" or other girlie stuff to throw out. I could let YOU put the flowered comforter on our new bed replacing the 60's leopard satin sheets and BLACK comforter, put curtains in the windows instead of the sheets, Heck even bring a piece or two of your own furniture as keepsakes. I never much liked the 60's multi-colored shag carpet my landlord had in here anyway. Now if you wanted to move and make a fresh start with a place we could call our OWN, well we could do that.

Heck, if your retirement is enough, I'd just walk out with my toofbrush and my one other pair of underwear that's clean and OFF WE'D GO.
 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 16
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 5:23:57 PM
Since being single I have done many things that seem to be out of "other peoples' comfort zone", but I have been fine with them. It appears that many people are judgmental, and try to make you feel bad for decisions that you make... I have learnt to do what feels fine with me, regardless of paranoia and cautions from spectators. Personally, I don't feel paranoid about things... maybe I haven't done anything outrageous enough to be out of my comfort zone.

Like you I met someone over a year ago on POF from the Massachusetts, and he traveled to Texas to meet me. I trusted him and let him stay at my house. We continued our friendship from afar, and talked often until the beginning of this summer. I don't regret meeting him, we didn't try a ldr, just remained great friends.

I feel we are comfortable in our own skins at our age to know what to do and what not to do. I have always been the quiet, but adventurous type, who really doesn't need approval from anyone other than me...

Having said that, I would love that special person to show up on my doorstep and take me away from POF forever... Of course, some may disapprove.... but I will go anyway...
 farceur
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 17
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 5:38:33 PM

Any intelligent input is appreciated.


A wise man may learn of a fool.


A wise man and a fool together, know more than a wise man alone.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 18
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 6:10:39 PM

Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?

Nope. Lack of datable men seems to hinder me much more than issues I let fester in my own mind to ruin any and future options with those of the opposite sex. How self-defeating we can be when our minds reside in the past or are engulfed by fear. JMO
 aaamm
Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 19
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 6:37:14 PM

What I'd like to know is, as you get older, do you get more paranoid about getting outside of your comfort zone? Do you really want a relationship bad enough to extend your boundaries or do you sit alone every night waiting on someone to show up on your porch?
I was hoping to find someone in my back yard, but ya never know who you will fall for. Mine is 2 hours away and we will marry and I will move to him after my middle son graduates in June. So I guess I'm not paranoid and extended my boundaries and have met other women on here that have met men even farther, different countries and are making a future together. I hope you enjoy his visit even if there isn't a connection in person.
 OnlyThis
Joined: 3/31/2009
Msg: 20
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:03:53 PM

I would love that special person to show up on my doorstep and take me away from POF forever... Of course, some may disapprove.... but I will go anyway...

wow.. (quickly scanning through calendar for the next time I go through Dallas/Ft W)...

Women like you are the reason I stopped caring about distance...
 OnlyThis
Joined: 3/31/2009
Msg: 21
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:08:51 PM

Paranoia is a mental illness.

Wrong definition. In this context it is:

" a tendency on the part of an individual or group toward excessive or irrational suspiciousness and distrustfulness of others"
 Self-awareness
Joined: 9/20/2009
Msg: 22
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:16:50 PM
Anais Nin said, "Dreams are necessary to life". It's not necessary to use "paranoia"...
 PinkOleander
Joined: 9/21/2009
Msg: 23
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/25/2009 1:20:22 PM
I think you need to differentiate (in your mind) between paranoia and life experience which leads to reasonable caution. Our comfort zone is perhaps our life experiences mixed with our intuition. Meeting a total stranger in a well-lit public space is fine, inviting a total stranger into your home to spend the night is risky.
 *Sanscheyle*
Joined: 3/2/2009
Msg: 24
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/26/2009 11:03:20 AM

I'm meeting a guy I met on another site. He lives in another city about 400 miles from me.


When are you meeting him? In a few weeks? A month or two? Hon, I'm paranoid nowadays when the UPS dude shows up at my door so you're behaving completely normal in my eyes when meeting this guy face to face.

Life finds a way in making us careful (but so does the New York times. ) about people and their agendas.

Let the guy get a hotel room for the first meet then take it from there, k? Keep us posted and be safe my friend.

Sans
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 25
Does your paranoia outweigh your want/need for a relationship?
Posted: 9/26/2009 11:15:12 AM
I don't call it paranoia, I call it good common sense and self protection. I don't care how long you have talked on the phone or how you hit it off, if this is a first meet, his staying at a hotel is in order. I would be very leary of a guy who wanted to stay with me from the get go. At this point in life, I would rather be true to myself than give in to someone's agenda if it makes me uncomfortable.
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