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 myrgth
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 2
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Married man/single women friendsPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Well, how many options are there?

Not really enough information to think one way or another about it.

Were these his friends before he got married? New friends? Co-workers? Church friends? Golf buddies?

My last LTR was with a man who had many, many female friends. It never bothered me. There was never any impropriety involved. Heh, he was a typically clueless guy that had no idea that half of his gal pals were flirting with him but I knew, always and without a doubt, where his heart lie.

Is lack of trust old fashioned thinking?
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 8
Married man/single women friends
Posted: 9/25/2009 5:09:57 PM
Depends on the marriage, depends on the husband, depends on the wife, and depends on the friend.

I, myself, have gone on dates with my friends' husbands. The men like me, the women trust me, I like to do what the guys do, the wives do not want to do it, and we all know I have no interest in the husbands. I am well known to be a "safe" female alternative to the married guys out there in my circle of friends. One of my friend's wife lives in another state from us, and he gets lonely, so I will go out to dinner or movies with him--all above-board, not at all sexually charged. She knows him, and she knows me, so she trusts the situation.

The difference may be, though, that I know the couples--I've perhaps known the woman longer, or met them when they were a couple. I've never dated their husbands.

The one woman who won't allow her husband to do anything with me alone, despite his having been my best friend for 6 years, and despite my reputation as an honorable woman, does it because she KNOWS he's still attracted to me and she doesn't trust her husband (I used to date her husband). So that's a different scenario.
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 11
Married man/single women friends
Posted: 9/25/2009 6:29:16 PM
I like having male friends. It's a different energy than female friends. Different conversations. And I realized that all of my female friends are alpha females. So, I guess I prefer male energy to female energy.

But I found that , except for one, all of my friendships with men ended when they were in a relationship/got married. Their partner simply wouldn't let them hang out with me.

The only one, who's wife had no problem with it, was someone that was doing the same thing I was doing, in the same neighborhood - rehabbing historic homes. So, we started looking at each other's rehabs, drove around and looked at properties etc. His wife didn't have any interest in it and she had no problem with us hanging out.

Heck, I've had problems with neighbor's wives, when I talked to their husbands in the middle of the street.

I have no interest whatsoever in anyone that's in a relationship. I consider them taboo, and if they made a pass at me I'd lose respect for them. And why would I want someone that I didn't respect?
 errant71
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 14
Married man/single women friends
Posted: 9/25/2009 8:31:35 PM
It depends on what you and he want out of a relationship. For myself, I don't want a relationship that is a 24/7, you meet all my needs and I meet all your needs kind of thing. I know I can't meet a man's every need ... and I don't know of anyone who can meet all mine.

I have friends of all sorts and both genders and those friends are mine because we meet some need in each other. I expect any exclusive, long-term committed relationship I have to occur within agreed upon boundaries ... and that won't include a moratorium on friends of any sort whether they be opposite sex or not.

I want to share my friends with him and I want him to share his friends with me but I don't expect to like all of his nor do I expect he'll like all of mine. But I don't expect him to give up his because I don't like them ... or vice versa.

Trust within a relationship is as much about trusting my partner as it is about trusting myself. I trust myself to negotiate any doubts, insecurities, suspicions, literally whatever comes up as well as trust he will do the same. It takes time, energy, and effort but most great relationships spring from a huge dose of exactly that. I go into relationships with the idea that we're both thinking, feeling, competent adults and neither of us requires the other to limit our choices in friendships.

That's what I want in a relationship but I don't expect that everyone agrees ... or wants the same kind of relationship. What I want in a relationship is someone who wants essentially what I want. The details are all about living life ... and negotiating differences.

So judging right, wrong, or indifferent is all about perspective ... how do you feel about it? ... what do you want? ... how does he feel about it? ... what does he want? ... what boundaries are WE going to negotiate?
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 16
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Married man/single women friends
Posted: 9/25/2009 10:11:35 PM
Let's face it, some people think everything within their reach is sexual and hoping to get some here & there if they think it's worth taking a chance, other people don't think that way, or even if they do they don't want to act on it. Gender doesn't have anything to do with it. I think it often says more about the person who thinks everyone wants to screw any chance they get, are projecting and have a very limited view of other people's behavior. A lot of people are in the middle, they might do something if given the chance, but only with a few people they really find sexually attractive, they might think about it as a fantasy but never really want to go there or they don't do it because they have more moral willpower than lustful needs.

If one is having sexual feelings for a friend and they are married, or are friends of someone married and feeling sexual, then the normal thing to do would be to confront yourself and take yourself out of the equation. It really doesn't take that much to be a stand up person, it's much harder to plan a cheating arrangement then actually doing it. But for some people, cheating is desired, getting caught is a pain in the ass, and 'friend's are conquests--staying away from that kind of person is good for a relationship. In other words, I see it as a case-by-case situation. I am not flattered by a cheating husband hitting on me, so that's makes the choice much easier.
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 23
Married man/single women friends
Posted: 9/26/2009 6:32:32 PM

It's called cheating plain and simple


Huh? Having friends of the opposite sex is cheating? While for some people it might lead to cheating, that doesn't mean just having friends is cheating.
 prettyflowers
Joined: 7/16/2012
Msg: 24
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Married man/single women friends
Posted: 5/6/2015 4:34:07 PM
I have a marred man friend...My life wouldn't be the same without him
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 26
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Married man/single women friends
Posted: 5/6/2015 6:14:13 PM
Rule 3 Not everyone is sexually attracted to everyone of the gender of their choice attraction, even if the other person is attractive.
 Peas_
Joined: 5/2/2015
Msg: 27
Married man/single women friends
Posted: 5/6/2015 6:22:49 PM
ummmmm, not going to happen around me unless they are chaperoned.


....where's the emoticons round here??
 LadyEssKay
Joined: 2/13/2015
Msg: 28
Married man/single women friends
Posted: 5/6/2015 7:01:15 PM

Rule number 1: No such thing as "just friends" between a man and a woman where at least one is sexually attracted to the other.


Rule # 2 - Rule #1 is not true.

I have been married with single male friends, and I have been single with married male friends. I can assure that I had absolutely no romantic notions about these guys. They were like the brothers I never had but always wanted. I met girlfriends and wives, children, mothers, etc, and they met mine. When they were in relationships, I always met the girls they were with, and it was abundantly evident from the first meet that there was nothing untoward happening. The girlfriends and wives very quickly learned to trust me, and I never did anything to betray that trust. I remember a group of them asking me to go out with them one night, to a trendy nightspot. There were 6 of them, on the prowl, and me (only me, and one of the men were in a relationship at the time). Apparently, the theory was that having a girl in their group would cause other girls to be attracted to them. hahahaha Totally didn't work. They all bombed, except with this group of much older, heavily made up, over accessorized, intoxicated women, who took a shine to a couple of them. Then they couldn't shake these crazy women so they tried to pretend I was a girlfriend. I totally denied it, and gave the women the all clear.

That was one of the funniest nights of my life.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 29
Married man/single women friends
Posted: 5/6/2015 7:46:52 PM

Rule 3 Not everyone is sexually attracted to everyone of the gender of their choice attraction, even if the other person is attractive.


Agreed!



Then they couldn't shake these crazy women so they tried to pretend I was a girlfriend. I totally denied it, and gave the women the all clear.
That was one of the funniest nights of my life.


I had a similar thing happen and YES, it was so fun to watch lol.
But boy oh boy, they were not happy about not getting the women they wanted.
The big spoiled babies .....pffht.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 31
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Married man/single women friends
Posted: 5/6/2015 8:49:19 PM
As a mature woman I have a married male friend who I see quite a bit as a single woman. I am involved with his children and we often have chats together when his wife is not there. She is half his age so I am sure she does not see me as any kind of threat. So it is possible to have a friendship and if there is no sexual attraction, what is the harm? However I am mindful of body language and the way I conduct myself around him so as nothing is misconstrued. I will add that we are next door neighbours and we occasionally eat together, the whole family. I am his friend and confidante and nothing more.
 LadyEssKay
Joined: 2/13/2015
Msg: 32
Married man/single women friends
Posted: 5/6/2015 9:11:22 PM

Remember, at least one has to be sexually attracted to the other. You were not, as you saw them as "brothers", however, did they look at you the same way? If so, rule number 1 is still not wrong.


They absolutely saw me the same way. There were occasions when both of us were single at the same time, and there was still no move or indication of any romantic interest. They would do their dating thing, and I would give my opinion. I was literally like their sister. I would even visit their moms without them.

I tend to get along more with males than with women as friends. Even in high school. I was a friend to all, and got along with everyone, but some of my closest friends were male, even when they had girlfriends. I don't know if it was because I was more sports oriented and athletic than your average girl, back in the day, but that's just how it was. I think the key is to always include the significant other in the relationship. There were times when the SOs were not present, but there was never any secret meetings, and they always knew when we were together hanging out at a pub or whatever. And I don't drink alcohol much, so I was usually the designated driver to get their sorry arses home safely. :)
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
Msg: 33
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Married man/single women friends
Posted: 5/6/2015 9:50:31 PM
It is possible for a married man and a single woman to be friends without anything else going on, whether or not it's appropriate depends on the situation and their behavior.
It's an awkward question, on the one hand i'd say if the man knew his wife was so insecure and jealous that she couldn't abide him having any single female friends because she doesn't trust him out of her sight then he should be doing something to reassure her and make her feel more secure in the relationship, on the other hand if the wife is aware of her jealousy and insecurity then that's something she should probably be working on, either way i'd say they both need to be a bit better at talking to each other.
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