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 AUTHOR
 I-am-Rei
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 6
Dating the same personPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I think it has nothing to do with women's double standard. They can date as many people as they like. The problem is when she started to meet or date the same men her good friend had dated, or worse her good friend's ex.

OP. It doesn't matter who hits who. The fact that they got involved with her willingly meant that they agreed to be hit so no need to doubt your friend. If you are comfortable and confident about yourself dating the men your friend had dated then go. If not there are still more men out there.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 9
Dating the same person
Posted: 9/28/2009 9:41:16 AM
It's a dating site. If you and a certain man are NOT in an exclusive relationship, you have no right to be upset at anyone. The men are entitled to write to and date whomever they wish and you have the same right. Your girlfriend is also entitled to write to and date any man she chooses if he is available. Who hits on who makes no difference. Unless you or they are in an exclusive relationship, everyone is fair game.

Do you think you should fax her a list of your possible choices just so she doesn't make contact with them?? How ridiculous is that? If that's the case, you shouldn't make contact with any man until she says she's done with them. She was here first. She should have first dibs.

Get the point now??
 the SoldierByte
Joined: 12/25/2005
Msg: 13
Dating the same person
Posted: 9/28/2009 9:57:22 AM

they all have the same story-she hit on them.

Jeepers..!!!
Please..
give her to MEeeeeee...
---SoldierByte---
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 15
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Dating the same person
Posted: 9/28/2009 10:04:02 AM
If you weren't exclusive with any of these guys, there really shouldn't be an issue but if the chick seems to be going after guys specifically because you are talking to them, stop telling her who you are dating. If you're dating more than one guy trying to see if there is a connection worth pursuing and the guys are doing the same, it is not beyond the realm of possibility that the common men are coincidences.

She has been a good friend for ten years, were you ever single at the same time during those years? Some women are weird about men. I had a friend 17 years ago that would literally turn her back to me to try to keep me from talking to someone that she was talking to at a club when I was not in flirt mode, just talking to them, even if she started dating them, I guess she was paranoid I would try to whisk the guy away, something that I would never have done, period.

If you have gone out to a club(s) with this woman, does she zero in on someone you were a bit interested in? Has she manifested this behavior before and just not to the degree that it bothered you enough to worry or even think about it?

Also, was the timeline that she hit on the guys after you had started seeing them or did you by chance wind up "meeting" these guys at around the same time? Doesn't really matter who was hitting on who, or whether she slept with any of them, her motivation for doing so and where you were on the dating behavior stage is what's important.

If she knew you had some type of connection that you thought promising, and she then pursued meeting, etc. I wouldn't call that a very good friend. Sometimes we hold onto people that are at least quasi toxic because of the history but often, they are no longer bringing anything but taking a lot and some relationships should be abandoned. You aren't in friendships for what you get out of them but when they become very one-sided or one person is actually engaging in harmful behavior, you become a doormat rather than a good friend that rolls with the ebb and flow of a relationship.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 18
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Dating the same person
Posted: 9/28/2009 10:07:59 AM
Kosmic, I would tend to normally agree with you but about the friend rather than the unknown guy but what stopped me a bit was what was implied in the OP and clarified by this repost.


my deal is that i would never talk or date anyone that i know she was seeing-i'm not saying that if i am dating one guy-he can't see anyone else-but when the man has told me i am the only one he's seeing-then maybe i'm dumb but i try to believe him...and my friend knows that this is how i feel-she's been very promicious lately and remember-ever guy had the same story....thats all..she even admitted to stealing one of the numbers out of my phone because she wanted to sleep with him.

If she just got this story from one guy and she says here, the chick admitted to snagging the guy's number out of her phone because she wanted to sleep with him? Same story from multiple sources, are these guys getting together to get their story straight? That would be a little far fetched and the only other alternative scenario is that for some reason she told these guys to tell the OP this? That makes even less sense.

Now arguably she did the OP a favor because it is likely given her reposts that she wouldn't want to be with this man anyway, but her motivation wasn't altruistic by any means. She is chasing tail and doesn't care that her friend of 10 years really liked the guy, pretty low in my book.
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 19
Dating the same person
Posted: 9/28/2009 10:20:36 AM
First of all, it's admirable that you have the rule that you won't date someone a friend is/has been dating.

With that said, there's a pretty good chance that you and your friend will come across the same guys on the internet, so that's not unusual and nothing unethical about that by you or your friend or any of the guys, if you're not in an exclusive relationship. Provided, that it's not known by the different parties involved.

But the time line makes this more than murky. You 'friend' taking the phone# from your phone shows that 1) you were already dating him and she had knowledge of it 2) She does not have any scruples about going after someone her friend is dating. Looks to me that the guys were telling the truth. But how did she explain to the guy that she had his ph#? And does that mean, that he knew that she had it from you? If that's the case and he had no problem sleeping with your friend, while he knew she stole the number from you, and kept continuing to see you (even if not exclusive) that doesn't sound like a guy that I would want to trust.

The girl is not someone I would want as a friend, even if we had great history, because I can't trust her. Trust is super important to me - in any kind of relationship, whether lover or friend. If I have to constantly watch my back, then I wouldn't want to have anything to do with that person. Just my opinion.
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 25
Dating the same person
Posted: 9/28/2009 11:08:39 AM

Or am I reading this wrong.


You are reading it wrong. OP explained in a later post, that the friend got the guy's ph# from OP's phone and then contacted the guy.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 26
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Dating the same person
Posted: 9/28/2009 11:44:22 AM
I use to have a friend I trusted, she some how became involved with every man I dated over the years we were friends. At first I blamed the men, thinking they knew we were friends and were hitting on both of us, but then one night I chanced to hear her hitting on my newest boyfriend when she didn't know I was there. She was almost throwing herself at him physically, and he was kind of embarrassed and mostly, I think, confused, as to why all the sudden she was chasing him. Sure enough, a few hours later she tells me what a cad he is and how he hit on her, he didn't say anything until I asked him and he said she was making an ass of herself and he wasn't sure what was up. So....yeah, she was no friend and apparently needed to fill her ego up by getting any guy I liked to do her. She's no longer a friend and I pay closer attention to things like this instead of jumping to the conclusion (as so many of us are guilty of doing) that all men are dogs. If a man will do both me and my friend(s), I'm not interested in him, he has morals that don't match mine, but if a friend would do a guy that I like, that's worse, she's suppose to be a friend, I don't need that kind of trash in my life.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 31
Dating the same person
Posted: 9/28/2009 12:32:47 PM

Okay-my friend told me about this site-then when i showed her some of the men i was talking to or dating she tells me they have been hitting on her after the fact-and i know she slept with at least one of them...i confronted the guys and they all have the same story-she hit on them. she's been a good friend for almost 10 years but i don't know who to believe....

Shame on those guys for being single and dating/talking/sleeping with whomever they choose. Didn't you send them all a memo stating that was not appropriate for anyone but you? Sheesh, the nerve of some people. JMO
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 33
Dating the same person
Posted: 9/28/2009 2:01:48 PM

Cuz in my opinion it indicates you aren't "friend" material.


So, her 'friend' goes into the OP's phone and gets the number of the guy that OP is dating, goes after the date and sleeps with him and OP is the bad one? WOW
 A-Womans-Best-Friend
Joined: 7/29/2009
Msg: 34
Dating the same person
Posted: 10/2/2009 2:10:53 PM
Tell your so called friend that your dating guys online that you would never date ever with a search for drug users and intimate incounters or married guys in your area and set her up.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 35
Dating the same person
Posted: 10/2/2009 2:31:35 PM

So, her 'friend' goes into the OP's phone and gets the number of the guy that OP is dating, goes after the date and sleeps with him and OP is the bad one? WOW


Her picker seems a little broken if her friend's going into her purse to get the number of the guy she's dating....and the guy she's dating/was dating actually slept with the friend (unless said friend slept with the guy after she was no longer dating him, then the guy's not at fault). She's better off taking some time off and honing up her people picking skills.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 39
Dating the same person
Posted: 10/2/2009 3:28:25 PM

"Her picker seems a little broken"
If she wonders what to believe, she is at fault for talking smack. If not, she is at fault for picking such friends. Is anyone ever responsible for his own actions these days? "Yes, your honor, the so-called victim deliberately blocked the bullet. What do you think of a person who stands in front of a loaded gun? How about we drop the robbery/manslaughter charges when the other person is clearly at fault?"


Is it not also a person's responsibility to know what their friends are capable of, particularly after knowing them for 10 years? Surely, during that time there are some warning signs that the "friend" is capable of this type of behaviour, if not with the OP before, then with other girlfriends they have in common. It's highly unlikely it's a sudden personality trait of being a sneak. To use your analogy then it IS like standing in front of a loaded gun and pretend it doesn't have the capability of going off. It's a little (a lot) more difficult to know the traits of the person that you've just started dating, however, to go through life with your eyes wide shut also isn't the best excuse for absolving one's self totally from all the predicaments they find themselves in. Frankly, if she still remains friends with this girl, after what amounts to thievery by going into her purse to find a phone number, ya, her picker is indeed broken, or at the very least, her common sense is. Even auto accidents often have percentages of negligence apportioned to individual due to carelessness.
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 40
Dating the same person
Posted: 10/2/2009 5:23:59 PM

Is it not also a person's responsibility to know what their friends are capable of,


Isn't that like saying that it's the rape victim's fault for wearing a mini skirt? Surely she knew what some men would be capable of, if tempted.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 41
Dating the same person
Posted: 10/2/2009 5:32:24 PM
You don't "generally" know a rapist for 10 years the way you know a girlfriend of 10 years. I'm not saying the OP is at fault, I'm suggesting she isn't totally aware of the type of people she surrounds herself with and could perhaps be more observant of past behaviours they (the girlfriend) may have exhibited. It's not unheard of for this to come out of the blue, however, it's more than likely she's exhibited qaulities such as this in the past that would make it possible. She certainly is aware of it now and if she continues to be a friend on the same terms as she has for the past 10 years, common sense would be lacking in who she chooses as her friends.
 aliveone1
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 42
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Dating the same person
Posted: 10/2/2009 5:37:22 PM
Let me guess...small town?
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