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Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?      Home login  
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 laktor223
Joined: 7/4/2009
Msg: 1
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Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?Page 1 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
Why do women always put bachelors down? Do you really think it's easy to find someone, fall in love, and get married? Some guys sincerely want that, but it just doesn't happen to everyone. So why do you always put us down?
 16madison
Joined: 9/6/2009
Msg: 2
Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 1:15:52 AM
Did you ever consider that it sends a message about you?

What have you been doing for the almost 40 years that you've been an adult? (18 to 57) To women, this sounds like you could not give up playing the field. 40 years of being afraid of commitment. 40 years of casual dating. Possibly 40 years of one-night-stand and using people. Viewing women as conquests.

OR, you have unrealistic standards. That commonly makes it hard for someone to find someone. Just look at your profile right now. You are 57 and looking for someone 40 to 52. Huh???? Someone 40 is 17 years younger than you, young enough to be your daughter. How realistic is that?

And, you are discrimating against women your age and 5 years younger. If YOU don't like your age, WHY should a 40 yr old woman? If you aren't attracted to old, why would you expect other people to be????
 laktor223
Joined: 7/4/2009
Msg: 3
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Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 7:52:42 AM
To 16madison and justwanttoknow: that's all bs. Just because you may have found it easy to get into relationships and fall in love, you think it should be just the same for everybody else? I don't give a crap how long we've been on this earth or what we've been doing, there are no guarantees you'll meet that someone special...no guarantees at all. There are always things we can do to increase our chances, but there are no guarantees. I know lots of outgoing people who have never been married and and I can definitely tell you that they want to be. People who find it so easy and see the same with all of their friends live in a very narrow world. They don't realize that for a small percentage of people, things just don't happen, for whatever reason. Luckily I surround myself with people who don't think as you do. Commitment phobia,....ha, ha..not a chance. I LONG for commitment. Unrealistic expectations..uh, uh. I've been so attracted to some women (very close to my age, by the way), but they are not attracted to me. Getting married and falling in love can be very hard for some. You just don't live in a world where you see people struggle in this department so you put them down. Shame...
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 4
Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 8:57:08 AM
Well, at least there's no double standard! It's also a stigma to be an unattached woman over the age of *anything*--only *we* get to be called spinsters! Later, we get to be called crones! Yay, me!

At least no one thinks I'm a virgin just because I'm not married.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 5
Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 10:26:29 AM
16madison,

(18 to 57) To women, this sounds like you could not give up playing the field. 40 years of being afraid of commitment. 40 years of casual dating. Possibly 40 years of one-night-stand and using people. Viewing women as conquests.

First, you're going WAY too far on him. Because he's a bachelor at 57 doesn't mean he was playing the field (picky or non-picky). In his profile, he hasn't been married. Does that mean he hasn't had an LTR? That would be a VERY hasty claim. And since when does someone being single for too long mean they're USING people or viewing others as conquests??

You are 57 and looking for someone 40 to 52. Huh???? Someone 40 is 17 years younger than you, young enough to be your daughter. How realistic is that?

Actually, more realistic than you think. He's 57. He's not looking for a nice young 30 or 35 year old woman. PLUS, 40 means he's not allowing anyone under 40 to even message him for flattery. And yes, same with women who are more than 5 years younger. He wants a woman who's younger than he is -- it's actually quite common, as some in-shape 45 women will look for guys 28-42. It's called being honest. I don't think he's expecting 40 year old women to come flocking to him -- I think he'd probably expect a woman in her mid to later 40's, realistically, while he's in his later 50s.

With that said, though, I will say that him being 57, no kids, never married requires a lot of explaining. I'm not as harsh as you about the stuff, but in a nutshell, it means that he LIKELY has some issues about being in or finding a relationship, emotional issues not hardly wanting to be on the market, or has a habit of making some real bad relationship choices in which he (thankfully) didn't choose to go down the aisle with.

It's not a good thing. I mean, I'm 32, and never married. In 25 years if it's the same situation? I would not complain at all if a woman raised an eyebrow about me never been married right off the bat... it would be expected.

Of course, which is better? Someone who ends up being in a bad 15-year marriage, baggage, etc etc, or someone who dodged that bad situation and has been not married for 20 years?

I think the best indicator is -- have you been in any LTRs? Have you ever gone through lo ng periods of time putting focus on an LTR-worthy woman, or not? If so, what has prevented/stopped you? Personally, I'd rather have been unmarried at 57, rather than having gone thru 2 divorces, kids on either side, and a mess. Both can be indicators of issues had -- but I'd take the first situation in a hearbeat.
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 6
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Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 11:00:52 AM
Laktor - I think some women will assume what the other posters above said - and "traditionally" I think it held more truth - that you were loath to give up the single life, or had commitment issues. I don't think, in a one-on-one situation, that it would be such an issue as it might appear in an online profile - because a woman could in person get a sense of you, and learn more of your history.
 MrPlatonic
Joined: 8/25/2008
Msg: 7
Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 11:24:15 AM
I am not sure if this question applies to any particular age group.

Women like a challenge. If a guy comes on too strong, he risks coming off as desperate. On the other hand, if he plays hard to get, he may drive her a little crazy, but at least he keeps her attention :)

It is definitely NOT easy to find a compatible partner. Some women want an average guy, others want somebody unique. Religion and financial status are pretty solid roadblocks as well.

Despite the empirical impression that women always put down bachelors, there are always exceptions. The irony is that once you find that rare exception, the others usually change their impression from noticing all of the bad things about you to noticing your finer qualities. By then, it is too late (unless you steep low enough to sacrifice what you have going for you in order to give them a second chance).
Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 11:37:15 AM
unwillingness to marry is not the same as unwillingness to commit. some people see no reason to involve governments, churches and assorted authoritarian busybodies in the most private aspects of their lives - their relationships.

i've been in an LTR. i've never proposed marriage to anyone. no one has every proposed marriage to me. so what?


Despite the empirical impression that women always put down bachelors, there are always exceptions.

and i'm willing to bet lots of them are among the many, many attractive women in their 30s and 40s who've never been married.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 9
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Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 11:37:27 AM

Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?

Simple: an older bachelor doesn't/hasn't "put out" in the way women want.

It's like how fifty years ago some women were called "frigid". Exact same thing. An attempt to browbeat somebody into doing something.


Do you really think it's easy to find someone, fall in love, and get married?

This usually isn't about thinking, or being empathetic, or anything else other than what they think is in their interest.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 10
Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 5:47:40 PM
So the whole point of miraculus creation of the human soul is to get married and have kids? Peculiar then that most of the celebrated authors, artists, composers, scientists and inventers were never married, never had kids. Odd that all the religions value chastity and several have devoted sects of monks, priests, nuns living in celibacy.
Apparently it is better to have had a divorce (or two) and kids out of tradition than never to have been married and not to have added to the world population.

You keep embracing your generalizations, I will pass you by as well.
 laktor223
Joined: 7/4/2009
Msg: 11
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Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 8:56:44 PM

With that said, though, I will say that him being 57, no kids, never married requires a lot of explaining. I'm not as harsh as you about the stuff, but in a nutshell, it means that he LIKELY has some issues about being in or finding a relationship, emotional issues not hardly wanting to be on the market, or has a habit of making some real bad relationship choices in which he (thankfully) didn't choose to go down the aisle with.


Thanks, Confident-Realist, for attempting to defend me. I appreciate your comments. And with the above quote, you're absolutely right. Most women will definitely think it's strange. I started out very shy in my teens and it continued well into my 20's, although I did land a few dates. However, being shy, I wasn't very outgoing while on dates, so I screwed up possible LTR's, and I was definitely interested in them with some of these girls I went out with. Still, I've never found it easy to meet unattached women. My problem with meeting women now is my current status, never married, I'm not wealthy, I don't own my own home (I rent), I work shift hours (not 9 to 5). All of these factors figure negatively when it comes to women looking for a man my age, so it's difficult for me. The past is the past and is something I can't change. I've not had the opportunity to marry, and I would not marry someone unless I was in love with her and she felt the same about me and that combination has not occurred. I've been in love, but it wasn't returned and vice versa. And no, I've never had a one night stand.
 laktor223
Joined: 7/4/2009
Msg: 12
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Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 9/30/2009 8:58:14 PM
And, by the way, I have always wanted to marry and have a family...I wish I could have married in my 20's. It's something I've always desired.
 16madison
Joined: 9/6/2009
Msg: 13
Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/1/2009 1:05:04 AM

Actually, more realistic than you think. He's 57. He's not looking for a nice young 30 or 35 year old woman. PLUS, 40 means he's not allowing anyone under 40 to even message him for flattery. And yes, same with women who are more than 5 years younger. He wants a woman who's younger than he is -- it's actually quite common, as some in-shape 45 women will look for guys 28-42. It's called being honest. I don't think he's expecting 40 year old women to come flocking to him -- I think he'd probably expect a woman in her mid to later 40's, realistically, while he's in his later 50s.


Excuse me? You mention in-shape women look for younger guys.... hello, this guy isn't in shape. He actually looks to me like a guy in his 60's.

You call it being honest, I call it being unrealistic. Just because you want something, doesn't mean that it's likely.

I work with women in their 40's, have some relatives, etc.. and none of them are looking for a guy pushing 60. Especially not one that looks worse for his age. They would rather be alone than end up a free nurse for someone that could be their father. Most of them still have their own Dad still alive to look out for.

He mentions that he doesn't even have a house. ??? I know people of all age groups that manage to get a house. 20's , 30's, 40's, 50's. Even if you don't make a lot, you can buy something small and make payments. SO, again, what has he been doing?

So, he claims to not like the stigma, and he claims that he has wanted a relationship, but then puts out the perv line, looking for 20 years younger. I don't believe his comments about women his age for one minute, or why specifically BLOCK them? Why limit his potential contacts? Unrealistic expectations.
 smithwhitehawk1
Joined: 5/26/2007
Msg: 14
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Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/1/2009 9:39:10 AM
Re msg 26
This is absurd.
Reminds me of a movie scene.
*** German guard stops older man at train station** and says*** Show me your
papers man, show me your papers**
This man has a right to date any age or type of woman he chooses.It"s level of success is his problem and not your business.
Given the type of replies to his posts that I have seen, he has asked a valid question.
Hawk
 cfb62
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 15
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Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/1/2009 1:32:57 PM
I'm 47 and I'm not looking for a 60 year old!
 cfb62
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 16
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Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/1/2009 1:38:24 PM
Relationships are all about being able to compromise.
These are skills learned by having relationships.

If you've been single for most/all of your life... it'd be kind of like dating a teenager.
At my age, I want someone with experience.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 17
Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/1/2009 4:02:31 PM
Its true, women want damaged failed goods more than independant never been tamed.
I changed the profile to show divorced (come on who hasnt fiddle faddled with the thing to see what makes people tick) The uptick in emails was absolutely telling.
Women would rather be with and chase after someone that has been proven to have a failed relationship (ie divorced, separated) than an 'untested' commodity. Its a shallow pond, at some point you gotta walk away from the puddle. Go find your bliss in the real world, you know the place away from the computer where it is not so easy to judge people by your own little coddled stereotypes.

If you do what everybody else has always done, dont be surprised when you meet the same results they did. (50 % divorce rate, I like my odds in the lottery better)
 Elmenreich
Joined: 9/23/2009
Msg: 18
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Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/1/2009 4:34:51 PM
Not getting married before you're 40 is like not losing your virginity until you're 30. Sure, we know it's rough out there, but that's just creepy.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 19
Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/1/2009 5:01:09 PM
cfb62,

I'm 47 and I'm not looking for a 60 year old!

But you're looking for a 55 year old... and the guy is 57. Two year difference.

Not getting married before you're 40 is like not losing your virginity until you're 30. Sure, we know it's rough out there, but that's just creepy.

Not necessarily. Take a 40 year old typical movie star who's been in two hollywood marriages. He would have done the right thing NOT getting married.

I think it's peer pressure to get married by a certain age. By a certain age, most people expect you to get married to someone who's not really right, than not to have been married at all. Also, how would a 45 year old, divorcee who hasn't been married in 20 years be different than a 45 year old who never decided not to buy a ring with the same history?

Now, I will say, the basic stereotype for most situations is reasonably accurate. That being that they have a high liklihood of not doing well in relationships OR a fear of long-term settling down. BUT:
a) You will find that problem with MANY people, married before or not
b) There are people who are older and not married who at least didn't take that extra unwise step, and are otherwise within range of being normal about relationships.

The real question is, by a certain age, one's experience in LTRs. It doesn't take a marriage to have serious relationship experience.

That said, I would put 40+ never-married the same way as looking at a gal who's 25 and already divorced. You'd want to know how they are which would clue you into the why, before lumping them into a basket.
 laktor223
Joined: 7/4/2009
Msg: 20
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Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/1/2009 9:26:55 PM
Ok, so what you're telling me is that I should just forget about ever getting married, forget about women, period, and just give up on my present life and hope there is such a thing as reincarnation, right? No point in going out on dates anymore, right? Gee, thanks everyone. There goes my belief in the goodness of the human race. Maybe I'll just call it a life and stop living. I guess you'll all be happy then.
 Elmenreich
Joined: 9/23/2009
Msg: 21
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Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/1/2009 10:31:38 PM
No, we're just saying you're a little creepy.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 22
Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/2/2009 11:46:26 AM
Pick up a language and shop overseas
He nyxa He nepo
the Russian women I know dont seem to care about the stereotypes that American women want to throw down. Caveat, you cant marry them and bring them back to the US ') best look at the Azores or Ibeza
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 23
Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/3/2009 12:58:44 AM
Ha ha and they say women are picky.

110 lbs, huh?
The suggested height for someone who weighs 110 as 32 yr old female is about 4'9"

http://www.nutribase.com/fwchartf.shtml

So, given that most women are in the 5'3"-5'6" range, I'd say you're going to have to settle for the fatties or the shorties.
 laktor223
Joined: 7/4/2009
Msg: 24
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Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/3/2009 1:37:33 PM
I would delete my profile, except that I don't think I'd be able to post, and I still want to do that. But, I'm still finished as far as the main point of this site is concerned. In my everyday life, if I meet a woman who likes me and doesn't give a darn about my background, then fine, but if not, I don't care anymore. As for sex, I guess there's always escorts. People on this site are telling me to forget about women, so ok, I'll take you up on that.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 25
Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/3/2009 3:29:15 PM

, humble, thin ladies over there ,.....and who wont care about , or ask me about how much money I make or what kind of job I have!

Okay, then, champ. I don't have a problem with you making choices, but humble and not after your money? Um, good luck with that! I had a friend who couldn't get it through his head that many of those women ( NOT ALL) marry sad American men just to get out of horrible lives of poverty. He went through THREE Philipino wives, all started out all nice and then turned into materialstic shrews who bosse dhim around. So if you're going after them because you're a milquetoast, caveat emptor!

Laktor, I don't get your dilemma. You cannot POSSIBLY be blaming ALL WOMEN for your lack of success with women, can you? That's not logical.

People on this site are telling me to forget about women

Who said THAT?
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