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 Cristine
Joined: 9/29/2003
Msg: 2
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Great thread!!!!!! ^^^^

I seem to always date guys who have dated sexual abuse surviors.... makes me feel that more and more women are going through such unfair and devistating experiences...

I am unfortunately in the same boat... but now that I am older I tend to not tell people I date... I dunno... I just don't want them knowing for some reason.
 balsz
Joined: 8/16/2004
Msg: 3
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/10/2005 12:12:01 AM
me ex fiancee, was an sex abuse survivor. i didn't know it when we first started dating, but later on she told me. all the women i have dated, most have been too. guess i'm just magnet for them. it's never made me feel any differently abut them, just that i was sorry they had to go thru it.
 hunnylookin121
Joined: 6/28/2005
Msg: 4
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/10/2005 12:13:57 AM
this is an awesome thread. i am a sexual abuse survivor and i would like to know myself. in my expierence i havent had any problems. in my expierence with dating guys i tend to tell them because sometimes it still haunts me in my sleep. i think im lucky because i have always had the supportive guys atleast thats how it seems. i hope it doesnt label me as undateable. we'll see i guess!
 balsz
Joined: 8/16/2004
Msg: 5
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/10/2005 12:18:21 AM
no i think you are not undateable because of it. i'm sure you're a great person, and pretty too. it just an event in your past that happened. the future is the most important and i feel men should be supportive. well at least i try to be.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 3/2/2005
Msg: 8
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/10/2005 7:24:22 AM
This is just me, but I tell anyone I'm about to meet pretty much right off after we've been talking awhile. I only had one guy who was hesitant about whether I was worried my abuser actually attempted murderer would ever break out of prison. I said no, it's not something I think about because then that situation would still have control over me. He said okay then but I said look I honestly feel that if you think that way, it'd be better we don't meet. Out of all the guys I've met that was the only one. Everyone else is supportive or understanding that it's NOT a part of my everyday life not something I even think about unless some need arises to do so. I am free of it, I control it, it doesn't control me. I told this guy I am seeing that I could NOT tell anyone and chances are they'd maybe never know. However, if we were involved and they DID find out I would think they might wonder why I never said anything. I just did the golden rule thing, if something like that happened to someone I was interested in would I want to know and I though yes I would, so I tell them. This is just my situation and what works for me, I'm not setting it up as an example or preaching to anyone that this is what you should do. Everyone has to make up their own mind what is right for them. Just sharing my own experience.
 RomPrince
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 9
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History
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/10/2005 9:35:21 AM
How do I feel? Like we (men) have failed in our upbringing. But, I don't view anyone any differently for having the experience happen to them. Many of my ex's have gone through varied experiences like this, and all of them have been fun, caring, enjoyable etc relationships.

The only time I view things differently is when there's the sympathy card being played with the knowledge of it. Yeah, I know it's a terrible thing to go though. No, I can't imagine how it was for you, and I won't pretend I do. But, unless it's something recent that's happened, I personally don't see any reason to dwell on it.

Sure, everything we go through in our lives makes us who we are, but some things we need to overcome, learn from, and grow from. I have ears to listen, and a shoulder to cry on... being told about something like this though is part of the process of being able to overcome it as well. I don't NEED to know about it, but it's something that should be shared, eventually. Not exactly an ice breaker for a party or first date conversation.
 tori
Joined: 4/16/2005
Msg: 10
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/10/2005 9:55:16 AM
Nice thread missy, I wondered how I would start esp with all the negativity some of us (sexually,mentally,physically,financially abused survivors) To some it turns out to be fate something that you never wished for or even deserve. We stay strong and although we never get to date again due to the fears of which the relationships may bring we still seem to be some survivors who are making it large. For me it has been very challenging and most of all did not or do not expect most men to understand unless someone really knows what or who I am in person. I live strong and ambitious despite the faulties that I am fighting and still strugling with after 2 years of running from that relationship.... Do you know what is really sad? Most men do not see or emphathise with women who are survivors they only get negative and judgemental,,, We never asked for it ,,,, It happened to us ,,,,,,,,
God forbid some fate happens to u and while at that moment think about those that are still surviving their fates becoz "where there is a will is a way" So please only one or very few men can understand and can be sympathetic without letting the sympathy take charge of the attraction but there be mutual love and unconditional one for that matter.........

Sometimes you wish everyone was like Angelina Jolie ,,,,, think about it that was very human... what she did,,,,,,,, Bottome line most men would not date or be involved with a woman who has issues,,,,,, whether solvable or unsolvable. (period)

Take care all and Good luck to all ,,,,,,,,
 Kodiak109
Joined: 5/22/2004
Msg: 12
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/10/2005 10:30:20 AM
well i've dated women who have gone through either sexual abuse, near rape, and even gone through periods of they're life when they just lost respect for themselves and gave themselves to anyone with a good pick-up line. it's a sad fact that there are alot of women out there that have dealt with that. as far as dating them i think thats ok...when a woman tells you this stuff, its just best to be undertanding and let her know that she's a beautiful person. she has to develope trust again and thats when we have to we respect them for who they are, what they do, and help them get back the self-pride and dignity that some jack-ass has tried to take from them. to you ladies who've gone through this, you deserve more and we're truley sorry. and we just hope that you can someday bounce back from it.

out!
 Cristine
Joined: 9/29/2003
Msg: 14
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/10/2005 5:28:55 PM
Romprince said
But, unless it's something recent that's happened, I personally don't see any reason to dwell on it.


Obviously, you have never been sexually abused, thank goodness.... however, you need to understand how tramatic an experience like that can be and people can't just "get over it" as easy as you would hope.

I seriously hope that you think about this some more.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 3/2/2005
Msg: 16
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/10/2005 7:19:19 PM
cristine Someone posted a stat that I don't know how accurate but I wouldn't doubt it, that 1 in 4 women has been sexually abused, so if any man has dated more than 4 women, chances are he's dated or will date one. Getting over any type of abuse is a totaly misnomer and misunderstanding. You don't "get over" a trauma, you get through it and you don't dwell on it but realistically, women can be at different stages of recovery or have an incident that triggers a flashback. Any woman who has endured any form of abuse and is open and honest enough to talk about it should be respected and admired, it's not coffee table conversation, but at least they're being real. If the guy can't handle that, then they need to move on, no reason to subject yourself to further misunderstanding and ignorance of something that is a blight on society but still happening.
 MzKim
Joined: 3/30/2003
Msg: 18
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/10/2005 7:32:04 PM
Really great thread!

I am a rape survivor. I've often found myself wondering if I should mention it or not to men. And if I decide I should mention it, then I am not sure when in a relationship, is the best time to bring it up. When men know about this, is it something that changes the way they feel about us on a sexual level?
 bucsgirl
Joined: 3/2/2005
Msg: 19
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/10/2005 7:40:50 PM
mzkim When to bring it up is a personal choice, I think you have to look to your own experience, as to when did you bring it up before, what was the reaction and how far into a relationship were you? Not easy questions, I understand that, but like many things there is no "right" answer, just need to do what works best for you. The most important thing is to protect your own heart and mind and vulnerability and if someone doesn't react the way you think they should realize it's their problem, NOT yours and move along. I applaud and admire the courage of any survivor of abuse to be able to talk about it. So you just do what's best for you and know that's the most important thing anyway.
 redneck girl
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 21
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/10/2005 8:28:04 PM
I've been through it all. The fact that any man would even think that it's okay to abuse somebody makes me sick, but I am a stronger person for it. The fact that I've been through it helps me to know when a man is sincere or just full of bullshit. Yeah, it's horrible to gp through it, but for me, it made me stronger and smarter about who I am.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 3/2/2005
Msg: 22
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/10/2005 8:33:15 PM
redneck Thanks for that. Like someone else wrote me from another site, you're not a survivor you're an overcomer. Hats off to you redneck girl, my respect for you which was already well founded just went up. Stronger, smarter, you got it going, hugs to you from another one of us! Awesome post!
 AugustOnTheRocks
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 23
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/10/2005 9:40:35 PM
for me, it has made me more cautious... guys get mad at me for clinging to them in public when i get nervous, but other than that i guess they see me as normal...
 am70sguy
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 25
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History
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/10/2005 10:58:53 PM
I don't have any hangups with women that have been through sexual abuse and rape providing that they have for the most part worked through it and it isn't a continuous barrier in the relationship progressing. If they use that as an excuse to keep the relationship from progressing, nor will allow me breach the barriers they've put in place, inhibits sexual activity substantially, then I think it becomes a problem. But that is kind of diverging from the initial post, I don't care. The past is the past, it's the present and an eye towards the future I'm working with now.
 Cristine
Joined: 9/29/2003
Msg: 31
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/11/2005 7:17:54 AM
Victornorth said:
" Its not a matter of "It happened a long time ago, get over it." When the flashbacks hit you, its not yesteryear...it is now."


I don't think I have ever heard more true of a statement. THANK YOU!
 Domeroth
Joined: 2/6/2005
Msg: 32
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/11/2005 7:25:51 AM
Shoot... nearly every girl I've ever talked to has said they've been sexually abused...

Either they are telling a lie, just to get sympathy or attention, or are actually being honest, I don't know.

To answer the thread's question-

If it was one of the first few things that she told me, no, I wouldn't continue to date her. Why? Because thats not something someone who is sincere about it would tell someone RIGHT AWAY! Therefor, it's most likely a lie.

If it was something she told me on into the relationship, and she has saught help, or is seeking help, or has gotten over it, I wouldn't have a problem with her.

It's never happened to me, so I don't look upon it too harshly. Although, I don't like being lied to, no matter what it's about.

It's also a very stupid thing to lie about, because thats one that will eventually come back on you.
 Cristine
Joined: 9/29/2003
Msg: 33
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/11/2005 7:37:53 AM
Domeroth wrote:
If it was one of the first few things that she told me, no, I wouldn't continue to date her. Why? Because thats not something someone who is sincere about it would tell someone RIGHT AWAY! Therefor, it's most likely a lie.


Sometimes when people are new to telling people about what happend to them they tell people right away... and for different reasons... one reason they might try and 'push you away'.. another reason could be that they want you to know... it further tells them that they haven't done anything wrong and it is NOT SHAMEFUL TO TELL PEOPLE... because it IS NOT SHAMEFUL TO TELL PEOPLE!!!!!


I am very uneasy right now thinking that you think women lie about this... it kind of disgusts me actually.


Why do you think that it is NOT OKAY for someone to share that with someone? It is not a gross or shameful thing to tell becuase it is not there fault. I really hope that you don't run into any more women who have been abused because you would only tramatize them more by being defensive and offset when they share such a personal experience with you!!!
 Domeroth
Joined: 2/6/2005
Msg: 34
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/11/2005 7:46:51 AM

I am very uneasy right now thinking that you think women lie about this... it kind of disgusts me actually.


Heh, because I've known several that HAVE lied about it?

However, I never said that I forward assume that they are lying about it.

I also should have said that I view that as personal information. Something you don't tell someone you've only just met.

For instance, if you were in a conversation with a guy, and after only 5 minutes of knowing him, he tells you he is an obessive compulsive masturbater (or some other personal issue). Wouldn't that make you feel at least uneasy?

Don't knock me because I'm not so quick to trust anything I'm told.
 Cristine
Joined: 9/29/2003
Msg: 35
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/11/2005 7:50:17 AM
I can understand how someone would feel a little "uneasy" with personal information... however, an obsessive masturbater is completely DIFFERENT than someone who has been abused.

Maybe they tell you this because you are too touchy feely and they want you to stop. I have told men that I have had bad experiences when they get too handsy and I want them to think that I might not just be a prude but uncomfortable.
 Domeroth
Joined: 2/6/2005
Msg: 36
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/11/2005 7:57:54 AM

I have told men that I have had bad experiences when they get too handsy and I want them to think that I might not just be a prude but uncomfortable.


Oh... well thats far differant than out and saying the details. I think that if you told me you had a bad experiance, rather than explaining it in detail, I would not only back off, but I would understand.

The obsessive masterbator was just an example of something personal. I'm aware that it doesn't compair in magnitude. It is however, something you don't normally tell someone you've only just met.

I can agree with you, and I see what you're saying. Perhaps it would be in HOW it was presented to me, as to how I would take it.

To me, if I've only just met you, the LAST thing I want to hear about is details about your bad experiances. It's just a comfort level thing, and I would respect her comfort level, just as I would hope she would respect mine. It's like a wall, I'd much rather see breached together.

I'm not trying to sound like an ***hole, more over just someone who would rather not dwell on the past or even hear about it right away. I'm more concerned about the future anyway.
 Cristine
Joined: 9/29/2003
Msg: 37
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/11/2005 8:01:20 AM
I am glad you posted this. I think we were both misunderstanding eachother. Yes, too many details can make the other person uncomfortable. I have never told anyone (ANYONE) all the details of my experience... its just too difficult for me.

I would also hope that someone who was a survivor would understand that details can make a new person in their life uneasy because how are they supposed to respond?

It sucks that things like this have to happen and it would be such a better world if it didn't... but it does and its hard to know who to talk with about it and what to say. :(
 Domeroth
Joined: 2/6/2005
Msg: 38
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/11/2005 8:15:02 AM
Well, when starting something 'new' with someone, you don't wanna worry or even think of the past right away. Thats for later discussion, once you've gotten to know eachother, right?

Thats like handing someone your 'baggage' at the door (pun intended). I wanna know YOU first, then learn where you came from. Order of operation perhaps. heh.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 3/2/2005
Msg: 41
On dating a sexual abuse survivor...
Posted: 7/11/2005 11:36:08 AM
victornorth Hugs to you, you're the first male that I know of. Thanks for having the courage to speak out, it makes us all stronger!!
I found it mind boggling, like you did, that someone would lie about being abused when they WEREN'T!!! That's like lying and saying I'm on psychiatric drugs and seeing a therapist if you're not!! Kinda backwards to me....
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