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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?      Home login  
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 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 3
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Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
What did you mother die of? I'm asking because sometimes a spouse will detach if the death is expected, so he may have had this other woman around already. Or he may be someone who can't stand being alone so he quickly found someone.

There isn't anything you can do, it's not really your business, but I do understand your feelings. Are you sure your dad loved the dogs or were they more your mother's? I think it's not good if he gave up his pets for a woman, I know others will disagree with me, I don't like dogs but I would see big red flags if a man were to toss aside his pets for me, I would not see that as a good trait in a person. I can't imagine the self-centeredness of this woman to expect all dogs to be gone, so yeah, I don't like her either, she sounds like a manipulator.

Does your dad have money for her to get? Was there a pre-nup? Does she have her own assets and income? People get ripped off all the time by greedy users, your father may be with one, or he may be with someone he finds fits his new lifestyle, in the end, there's not much you can do. I wouldn't bother pretending though, if you don't like the woman and she doesn't like you and the norm for your family, I'd see my dad without being around her.
 girlred228
Joined: 6/23/2008
Msg: 6
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Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/5/2009 10:06:56 AM
OP.. it is your natural instincts to want to protect your dad. She caught him when he was vulnerable... he was with your mom many many years.. and he doesn't know what ti is like to be alone.. this woman probably saw this vulnerable person and just went with it. Your poor dad.. he is going to pay more than you know.. but the only thing you can do.. is allow him.. his own experiences... and when things really start to go awry.. you will see it.. this just sounds soo flaky to me...but just let your dad do his thing.. I don't know what to do to tell to protect his assets... Hang in there OP.. the poo poo will hit the fan, but in the mean time just back off...

girlred
 WalkingInLondon
Joined: 2/21/2005
Msg: 8
Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/5/2009 10:11:07 AM
Ok, listen up. What I have to say here is straight to the point but you need to hear it and understand it.

This woman stepped into your father's life when he was grieving, and most likely he needed someone to help him get through it all, someone to cling to. She filled that need. She is probably insecure that he could change his mind at some point and consider her a 'rebound' relationship and drop her, that is why she wants the security of marriage. I don't blame her, if she loves your dad, and she put in the work to get him through his grief, then she is probably really a good woman. As for you doing a background check on her, that was fine, but did you really have to go and announce it? That was insulting and stupid on your part. It would have been different if you found anything, but that's like calling an innocent woman a criminal without any facts and personally I'd be offended too. You can do background checks on me, you certainly won't find anything, but to go about it the way you did was disrespectful.

As for the dogs in the house, understand that it is her home now. Not yours, and your mother does not live there anymore. Your mother's pictures should be given to you and your siblings, and the rest put in albums. If she wants to put pictures of herself and your father in every room, it is her business and his. I would be happy that your father has someone who loves him, rather than bristle that he has replaced your mother. You don't understand the fact that there is no replacing your mother, women aren't interchanceable objects. He will always love your mother, this woman loves him too and he loves her, either accept it or you're going to be bitter for a long time, and that's on you, honey.

Now, the dog issue. Some women do not like dogs in the house. Or any pets for that matter. They are a lot of trouble, add to the cleaning, cover everything in pet hair, make messes, and a lot of women and men just do not want them in the house. That is her right not to want dogs in the house anymore. Your dad brought the dogs to you, and you love them and take good care of them, so what is the big deal? Why are you trying to force your rules on her and your dad's home? Your dad obviously doesn't have a problem with not having the dogs in the house anymore, so why do you? And why are you sinking to calling your dad pu$$y-whipped? Why is it when a man makes a compromise to work out something in a relationship, he gets called that? Do you think because he has a penis he gets to call all the shots? Think again. She is the woman, and she is in charge of cleaning the house, decorating the house, and most likely all the household duties, I'm betting. So I think it is perfectly fine that she doesn't want to have to pick up after dogs everyday, do extra vaccuuming, dusting, and cleaning up after accidents. And she should hang whatever pictures she likes that make that house comfortable and homey for her...after all it is her home now too.

Now, quit bringing the dogs over there, if your dad wants to see them, he'll come to your house. Start treating your step-mother with some respect, and quit acting like a pouty kid. I am really sorry you lost your mother, but it's time to accept that your dad is moving on with his life, and you should be happy that he isn't sitting in his recliner moping and drinking beer being miserable. Is that what you would prefer?

Good luck to you and your siblings. I hope you do the right thing here and keep the family together and with peace.

Beth
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 9
Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/5/2009 10:13:18 AM
No one says you have to like your father's new wife or how soon they got married after your mother's passing, however, put the shoe on the other foot. If it were you in the same situation, would you like your father to be telling you what he doesn't like about who you are choosing to spend your life with and that he's done a background check? Your dad's allowed to make his own choices, whether you like them or not. Let him live his life as he sees fit and if, at some point down the road it doesn't turn out for him with this woman, be there to help him pick up the pieces. Don't be there making his life more difficult by finding fault with who he has chosen and the way he has chosen to live with her. His choice may well be wrong, but it's his choice. Don't go out of your way to show your displeasure in that choice either unless it directly affects you. Not being allowed to take your dog to his home isn't a big deal in the scheme of things. You made the "choice" to take in his dogs, so don't go complaing about it now, even if you love them. Although I disagree with anyone having an animal and giving it up just because someone else doesn't want them, he's made the decision she's more important to him at this stage than the dogs were. If she made the decision not to allow dogs in the home they share, don't forget, he went along with it - again a choice he made. Don't go out of your way to find fault with everything or you run the risk of losing contact with your father. Learn to accept his new life, rather than fighting it. You are his child but it doesn't mean you have to act childish.
 PiggyT
Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 10
Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/5/2009 10:13:21 AM
Let's put it this way;

What if your Dad was trying to interfere with your choices of mates and pushed his opinion on you?

While difficult to do, you might want to try and think about your DAD here. He probably needs what he has and maybe just maybe he doesn't want all the reminders of your mom around (the dogs?).

Be compassionate man, he is your Dad, and he has his own life now that he is done shaping yours.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 18
Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/5/2009 11:06:58 AM
You're 27 yrs old, your dad is older. Quite frankly, IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
Accept that you have a new mommy and wish your dad CONTINUED happiness, and stop acting like a friggin' teenager.


Would any of you think it's odd to get upset and throw a fit?

I think your new mommy has learned she's entered a family of snoops. I don't find this odd at all. Background checks on your dad's wife are undeniably koo koo--IT IS NUNYA!

My dad's p-whipped

Yay for dad. And dude--talk about materialism! YOU are overly concerned about your DAD's finances because YOU think YOU should inherit his riches? GROW UP

Are we overreacting

YES
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 19
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Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/5/2009 11:07:02 AM
OP...I really, really feel for you...but I can feel for your dad too. I lost my fiancee 5 years ago, and hooked up with a grief recovery group, so without knowing your father or you, here's what I think may be going on. Your dad is doing something very common. He's avoiding really dealing with the loss of your mom...it hurts too much. You've lost your mom - he's lost his wife, his life partner of however many years. I don't wish to be mean to you - but you are an adult and I assume out of the house, for however long? Well...he has lost the person he came home to for decades. The person who he saw as his future...trust me that's a big point - when that we stretching off into the years to come, becomes "I". Many people jump right in. Read message 12 - Beth I think got a lot right. The woman in question - I think she may be nervous that he will change his mind - or that his family will change it for him. I think she is jealous of your mother (ever hear anyone say - how can I compete with a ghost?). It is her home now, and it just rips up the grown children (a very, very common issue) to see the home of their mother turn into another woman's home. I'd have told your dad to move if I was a friend of his - to avoid this very reaction. You are probably feeling he was disloyal to your mother, or must not have cared or loved her to "get over it" so fast. Very natural too..but I'm betting not the case at all. I hope that you don't cut your dad out of your life. That would be a shame. Please feel free to email me if you want to talk...
And I'm very sorry about your loss.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 24
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Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/5/2009 12:48:50 PM
goraventech:

(sheesh) I feel like I'm talking to a child with this one, but it's time you and sis grew up. I understand your feelings, and truly you are entitled to 'em, they are yours.

Let me ask you a question. Would you say your folks had a bad, good, or great marriage. Did they have well defined roles? It is not all that uncommon for this type of situation to occur. Wife dies, husband is devastated, the love of his life is gone, a large part of his life is missing, and quickly he fills in the missing piece. This actually happens quicker with men who had good to great marriages. They want to return to a place they are comfortable. So, assuming your folks had a good to great marriage take this as a complement to Mom. It is actually more common for men, than women.

As for the other stuff. Let it go. I / we all know that you loved your mom and this is quite sudden, but let your dad live his life. Make him happy and learn to at least like his new squeeze. Who knows, she may even come to be a friend.

TK
 myrgth
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 26
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Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/5/2009 1:33:58 PM
No, not getting the same impression. Getting a pretty unfavorable one of you and your sister though. Yes, you are over reacting. It's to be expected to some degree as you work through the grief process. Yes, way out of line.

1. If the background check came back with nothing relevant then why would you mention it to your father other than to prove how much you dislike his girlfriend? I imagine most people would be upset by this. Wouldn't you? By doing this YOU created an even bigger gap between you and her. Which was likely your intention. Granted, you probably thought it would make your dad choose.. and doesn't it suck he didn't choose your side.

2. I would lay a money bet that your dad is the one who pushed for the wedding to be so soon. It's not uncommon for someone to lose one person and fill that void as quickly as possible to not deal with the loss, pain and grief. I doubt he slipped up but more was joking. You didn't recognize it as humor and instead used it to fuel the already existing flames of hate that you have going.

3. Why do you think you are so important to her that she is going out of her way to make you uncomfortable as opposed to ensuring that she is comfortable in her new home? It's not about you. It never was until you made it so.. in your mind. One won't hurt who? You? It's not your house. You don't live there.

4. Their house, their rules. It's not your house. You don't live there. Existing family? Unless you kids were underage or lived in the house, there is no compromise or understanding that needs to be reached. It's not your house, you are grown and you don't live there. She and your father do.

It's also natural to not see that you are guilty of the very things you accuse her of. Your feelings of anger, hate, etc. likely have you blinded to your irrational and awful actions and projecting them onto her.
 Merrylass
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 27
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Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/5/2009 1:40:35 PM
Bottom line: you are ticked at your dad for 'replacing' your mom so quickly. Therefore, she can't do anything right in your eyes. Yes, you are overreacting. And you are wrong. You are reading everything negative into her actions because you don't want to like her.

Some men hate being alone, enjoyed being married, and seek new partners as soon as they lose their existing partners. I know of a man who's lost two wives to cancer and is on the hunt for #3 - not even 6 months later.

This is your father's life - it will be better for you and all your family to learn to like this lady and to keep both her and your dad in your life. Time to grow up, boyo.
 BlueEyes1712
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 29
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Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/5/2009 3:08:09 PM
I think it was a good idea to have her history investigated for any strange or unethical events. I think she is out of line with a bad reaction because after all it was an effort to protect the father you love. Unfortuantely this women isnt your mother and is there just so your father can find some happiness for himself after his loss of your mom.
It may be true she is selfish and the other things you mention. What is unfortunate is the strain it is causing the rest of the family. The fact that your dad gave up his family dog says a few things, that he didnt value the dog as much as his new wife who obviously has issues with pets. I think you have to try to be the same with your dad, sometimes we just have to learn to live with others choices.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 31
Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/5/2009 3:23:47 PM
Let's put it this way: If your father had enough intelligence to choose your mother as a partner, what makes you think he needs your help via a background check for this woman. Was he only intelligent where your mother was concerned? What a slap in the face to an adult. When are you going to set about attempting to get him to sign an enduring power of attorney and having you and your sister be joint on his bank accounts and mortgage? Seems to be that'll be your next (il)logical step and as self-serving as this appears to be.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 39
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Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/5/2009 6:41:40 PM
The question is not whether you have grounds to hate her. The question is, do you love your father and want to have a relationship with him.

He's an adult. You're interfering in his business and trying to make him choose between his wife and his children. What possible good can come from this? If you care about your dad, get over yourself and start behaving like an adult.
 SASSYN89178
Joined: 2/19/2007
Msg: 41
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Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/5/2009 9:36:04 PM
You really need to get yourself a life.
Does your father have Alzheimer's or is he incompetent?
If no, you had no right to do a background check on her.
Would you like your Father to do one on your dates, or has he previously in the past?
Older men, like your Father have a tendency to start to date right after their spouse has died. These older men aren't used to being on their own and they're very lonely.
She didn't want to live (in sin) with your Father and so they got married.
Why would this woman want a picture of your Father and his late wife displayed on the mantle?
Hopefully, your Father had a will made out before your Mother died. So, you're not cut out of the will yet.
Sorry, but you seem to be the one who's feels the lack of control and can no longer manipulate.
Your Father is how old? In his 60's or 70's?
Try to enjoy the time you have with him.
I speak from experience. At 78 my Father was widowed. He married one year later an old family friend. Her husband and my parents used to travel together. They were all friends for over 50 yrs. She thought everything in the house was hers. They had a pre-nup and no one was entitled to the other's possessions.
You don't have to like her but out of respect for your Father you should be civil to her in her presence.
If you think your Father is p-whipped now, he probably was before.
No, I'm not getting the same impression. You just really dislike her.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 44
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Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/5/2009 9:55:29 PM
Obviously this one should have gotten the delete button. 2 1/2 pages and the sum total of your response to everything said on this thread including not answering the question about what did your mother die of, something unexpected or a lengthy illness, is this.


about the inheritance, I could care less. I'm fine on my own, and never wanted anything from my father. That said, I've been a witness to how hard my father worked to earn his retirement and the last thing I would want to see him do is end up living with me because he has no where else to live. Just looking out for my old man. But thanks for the vote of confidence.

Every singe point you made in your OP has been addressed by many people.

You are behaving like a petulant child. Many men in particular of your father's age remarry fairly quickly when a spouse dies for two reasons, if the person was ill they lost the spouse long before that person died and they are getting older, they are going to date for 3-4 years until every ELSE can be comfortable when they know what it is to make the most of the time they have with the person.

I worked with a guy, wife died of cancer. They spoke often about after she went and she literally told him to marry because he was the type that would quickly have withered and died alone. He married his high school sweetheart, a woman his wife had been good friends with because they did things as couples until her husband passed a few years before this man's wife died. I suspect she even knew exactly who her husband would marry when she gave him her blessing to move on and be happy rather than getting in the grave with her. The kids pitched a wall-eyed fit, now isn't it a bit ridiculous that their mother had no problem with it but they did because he wasn't following an appropriate time table?

My father passed 10 years ago and my mother sans the time with grandchildren, friends, etc. has been alone. I would have been tickled pink if she had found someone at any time after my father died because while his actual death was the unexpected result of a car crash, his health had sucked for at least five years before he died.

They are married, it is now her home and it is your choice not to be comfortable there. You had no business telling him you didn't approve of the marriage because he didn't require your approval and all you did was try to hurt him. You are also not remotely concerned about anyone but yourself.

I was 35 when I lost my dad, I miss him a great deal and while you are still grieving and that is what this really is about, do you really want to loose your dad too? We never know how long someone is going to be here. I suspect given enough time you and your sister will get the sticks out of your asses and make peace with dad, or you will spend the rest of his life resenting him for trying to grab a little happiness and that is just plain stupid. But what if your dad died next week? Is this how you wish to remember things?
 *november babee*
Joined: 2/19/2009
Msg: 50
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Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/6/2009 2:52:26 AM
a reasonable amount of grieving period


2 freakin months is just not good enough


so how long would be good then...?
maybe 27 weeks . 1 for each year they were married..?
maybe 27 months.. one for each year they were married...?
he met her in 2-3 months but didnt marry until some 7-8 months later...
lets say for instance he got married the first time when he was 25/26, was married 27/28 yrs, that makes him 52/54, not getting any younger or easier to find a partner.. we all know for instance on here you reach 50 and both men and women complain they are suddenly almost invisible..

at 27 would you accept someone telling you who to date/marry, or how long you should wait before making a committment...? no...? didnt think so.....
 *november babee*
Joined: 2/19/2009
Msg: 54
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Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/6/2009 7:46:22 AM
The ENTIRE family lost someone


thats entirely right, and you can shout it as loud as you like in as big letters as you like, and i still wont agree with you, and nor will quite a few other people on here..

now quite a few will agree with you and this just reiterates the point that we are all different..
we grieve at a different rate.. we get over and move on from things at a different rate.. and what is right for one is not right for everyone else..

just cos OP was not ready to move forward and accept someone new into his fathers life, does not mean father felt the same way.. he is the one after the funeral is over and the door is closed behind all the family and friends that is left on his own..
my friend lost her dad a few years ago now,after a very very long and happy marriage.. 25yrs + and after only about 4 months or so her mum met someone else, they decided to move in together after about another 3-4 months, they were met with disaproval, from people who thought it was too soon.. but whos business is it other than thiers...?
the eldest son also thought it was too soon, the daughter-my friend- and youngest son, were happy for her, that she had found a good man who made her happy...

 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 59
Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/6/2009 9:20:40 AM
The type of behaviour described in post 84 is nothing less than deceitful, conniving, underhanded, intrusive, obnoxious and childish. Wanting to do background checks on people you personally date is different than doing them on behalf of other people, particularly when not asked to do so. I can't think of an organization that permits their employees to do background checks in such a manner and if there are plenty of friends and family who do this, you're all obviously cut from the same cloth and are comfortable with being what amounts to a busy body. To openly and gleefully describe this behaviour as a "pissing match" describes a distasteful personality trait. It's all about "self" when describing these actions as making life more reasonable for yourself at the same time as having no consideration or regard for making life miserable for the parent or their wishes by the fallout these actions can create...which likely means such individuals love to create drama where there is none. Good on for those type of people. Pretty jaded and childish. One would wonder if there are any redeeming personality traits of such people. In my eyes, they are the ones not to be "trusted".
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 62
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Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/6/2009 1:41:23 PM
gtow up, he is happy and you should mind your own business
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 64
Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/6/2009 5:54:31 PM
My eyes were playing tricks on me. I thought the name of the thread was "Do I have grounds to date my dad's wife".

I was ready for another episode of Springer and I got here and got Oprah.
 BlueEyes1712
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 67
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Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/7/2009 9:07:08 PM
I dont think he did the back ground check for anyone but his own reasons. The father obviously doesnt have any trust issues. I dont think it is wrong for the son to have done this because he is being protective of his father. Its no different than a parent trying to find out about the date a daugher or son may have, thier charter or intensions. After all people enter into prenuptual agreements for some of the very same reasons. Credit agencies dont lend if your credit is bad, to get an apartment your background is check for any negative circumstnaces. Background checks are a reality. I for one want to know a little more about someone that maybe hiding especially when it involves someone I love and care about.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 68
Do I have grounds to hate my dad's wife?
Posted: 10/7/2009 11:20:24 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

First of all the background checks you refer to as a reality are legal. The person getting checked out applied for something like credit, insurance or a job. If I'm looking at my credit report and I see an inquiry that I didn't authorize I'd be inquiring who did. When I found out I'm not going to be happy at all. What if your good intentions caused your father to lose the love of his life?

You are drawing the line in the sand with a credit check. What's next? A DNA sample, urine sample, family history report, medical history? Your sister had a divorce that caused her depression so she sought medical advice and now the family has a history of mental health issues?

Yes, background checks are becoming more and more common. That doesn't make it right. Dating is hard enough as it is. Add this step in and people might just throw in the towel on relationships all together.
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