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 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 1
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What you bring to the table Page 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
I was thinking about the requirements for a lasting relationship and one thing for me is definitely that we share common financial beliefs. I have lived responsibly as far as living within my means and do have some retirement savings as well as a home that is almost paid for. Let me say that money is not love and I am not looking for anyone to take care of me financially. This is not a personal post, but more a discussion of what people are really hoping to find in a partner as far as financial compatability.

I realize that this economy has taken its toll on many retirement accounts and that in divorce, many lost half of that savings. However, I cannot imagine a relationship with someone who is foolish financially would ever work for me.

What do we expect our partner to bring to the table financially? Do you need for them to believe the same as you? How do you feel about their generosity with others if they can barely get by? What about retirment goals and dreams?
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 2
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 9:30:12 AM
Wouldn't be close to being my first concern. I'd be a bit turned around by someone obsessed with money.

Honestly...there would be so much else to consider before I got to that talk.

I'd want us to live and enjoy today within reason...as well as tomorrow.
 breath~
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 3
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 9:51:25 AM
Today I'm bringing to the table broccoli cheese soup.
Really yummy. It's cooking on the stove right now.
Tomorrow? I don't know.

Money? Not on my table. It's either stashed or being spent.
I have enough to get by.. and if 'he' has enough to get by.. then bingo! sounds good to me.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 4
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What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 10:07:56 AM
Enough to get by on and some stashed sounds fine to me. It is not about whether someone has their retirement saved for or not as much as whether you share the same philosophy about long-term finances.

Love has to thrive in order for a realtionship to survive. Fighting over money is detrimental to any relationship.
 pamsfl
Joined: 8/14/2009
Msg: 5
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 10:14:11 AM
I hear you, amethyst...and I agree. The two biggest breakup reasons are sex and money. I'm not so concerned with how much a man has in the bank, but I'd sure like to see his credit report. I believe that a man who is irresponsible with money is going to be irresponsible in other areas of his life. And yes, I'm ready to get some flak for this, so bring it on!
 Dave of Indiana
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 6
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What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 10:30:30 AM
pamsfl

Most men won't give you flack for that statement. However, financial irresponsibility comes from both genders: men and women.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 7
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 10:34:30 AM
'Bout 15 years ago I was involved pretty seriously with a fella I adored. I woulda lived with him forever had it turned out that way. But man oh man, I never saw anyone with so little sense of what to do with, how to handle, money. Hell pretty much would have frozen solid before I'd have let myself get legally tied up to that attitude. A decision I never had to make, in the end.

I'm with breath ~~ I have enough to take care of myself, in the life that I choose to live. If he wants us to do more (whatever that entails), it'll have to be on his dime, since I'm pretty much at dime's end, lol!

Meanwhile, broccoli cheese soup sounds wonderful!!

 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 8
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What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 10:40:21 AM

However, financial irresponsibility comes from both genders: men and women.

This is such a true statement. The problem with too many of the threads threads and too many mindsets in these fora is that they have become a him vs. her or a her vs. him battleground. Many things in life are not necessarily gender specific and the onus can and should be borne by both genders. Perhaps it's time to have the masses adjust their thinking to encompass this new and novel idea.

OT: I believe in equality for both genders. Thus, both genders should come to the table prepared to provide for themselves in equal proportion.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 9
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What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 11:19:05 AM
As long as a potential partner wasn't in heavy debt and was generally able to support themselves, I wouldn't care at all what else they had as long as they are of good character and otherwise compatible.

Once you are married, anything can happen, from illness to disability, that can affect assets and income. It's far more important to be compatible in other respects, as those are the factors that will ultimately determine the success of the relationship and your happiness together.
 FarmExe
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 10
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 11:29:52 AM

I believe that a man who is irresponsible with money is going to be irresponsible in other areas of his life.

I agree with your thought.
 Jaydubya57
Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 11
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 11:30:50 AM
I like to bring companionship. Thats the main reason I am on this site at all. The people you meet, chat and talk with here are not looking for a second job. They probably already have that. What I think I bring and want is an offloading or sharing of a sorts.

Have a bad day it seems to dissapate much quick when you have a friendly ear to share it with. Alone the burden may seem much larger than it is. It goes both ways in the relationship.

If may just be physical intimacy or LTR but humans are not solitary creatures, in my opinion. What ever form the bonding (bondage) takes it is still essentially two (or more) people getting together to share whatever they have.

It could be Soup or soul but people don't stay together when they have nothing to share, just witness the hundreds of ads for "looking" and I think my point is made.
 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 12
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 11:54:07 AM
Since I don't intend to ever mingle my money with his, I don't worry about it much. Either one of us could be filthy, stinkin rich today and a pauper tomorrow. Life doesn't always turn out the way you planned despite your best efforts and intentions. IOW -- sh** happens. As long as I don't perceive him as financially irresponsible it's all good.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 13
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What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 12:02:21 PM
Not mingling money is a whole other point, Wind Roper. I have known it to be a point of contention among my friends who have remarried. They have a budget, split down the middle, that each of them contribute to and their money after that, is theirs to do with as they see fit.

I do not know if I think that is marriage building, so to speak. Sharing life, including the finances that you both build during the marriage, is all apart of a relationship. I am all about a prenup, but after you say I do, how about working toward common financial goals? What is fair as far as the daily bills go, is it fair to prorate according to salary earned or just split down the middle? What about building retirement funds and working toward the dream of retiring together?

Many of us have been single parents for a long time and are helping our kids through college. The money given to our kids can be a point of contention as well.
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 14
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What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 12:35:33 PM
I have enough to get by, and he should have enough to get by. I should also say there should be a 'his' money' 'my money' and 'our money.' No joint checking or other accounts, just sharing or taking turns paying bills. The 'our money' should be for something expensive we both want, like a vacation or a new car, etc, and I would assume he'd have enough self discipline to save it on his own, just as I would, then it would be combined for the actual item/purchase/trip/whatever. BTDT otherwise, plus I've seen what it can do to others. I don't want to have to justify anything I may decide to spend money on, and I'd expect him to want/get the same freedom, just as long as the bills are paid first.
 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 15
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 1:19:30 PM
Amethyst, I've probably walked down the aisle more than most if not everyone here so I've experienced what you're speaking of more than once. And, yeah, there are serious financial deal-breakers. A couple can discuss and agree regarding finances just to have one or both trod on it whenever the mood strikes.
Personally, I've done the split the budget, each contribute and the rest is theirs thing, and I prefer it. Separate banking and credit accounts so neither has to pick up the other's slack or suffer the consequences of the other's poor judgment or irresponsibility. If they screw up so badly that the reach DOES impact the other, they're out. I'm a firm believer in fool-me-once-and-twice. Some will say "Then you never loved him to begin with." Love can be blind, but blind people aren't stupid. Anyone who would disrespect me that way is the one who doesn't love.
As to your question about prorating according to salaries, I would agree to something like that only if my partner wanted a higher standard of living than me. If he wants it, he can foot the majority of the expense for it. I'm a very practical and simple person, and care nothing for the trappings of financial success or financing someone else's desired lifestyle.
Retirement funds?! Heh! My current partner and I both have experienced having to cash in the first retirement accounts we earned due to circumstances beyond our control. If there's one thing neither of us freak about it is plans for the future since we've both lost partners in death and know nothing in this world is forever.
I have 2 daughters in college and 1 entering next year. His youngest son is finishing his masters. Since we keep our finances separate, as long as both of us live up to the terms of our agreements, what each of us does or doesn't do for her/his kids is none of the other's business.
 ankkka
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 16
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 1:42:17 PM
I think...a man at my age should be financially independent!
Of course...I'm not going to be charity for a man...
 cotter
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 17
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What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 2:03:36 PM
I don't expect a man to bring any more to the table than I do. I can take care of myself and have good health. If he can do the same ... it's all good.

Something that would concern me is if he never wants to discuss it ... that means he has something to hide ... whether it means he is dirt poor and plans on living off my ability to plan ahead (not ever spending every dime I earn) OR he is well-off and doesn't want me to know it so he won't have to chip in for anything that might be a little costly. I've seen it go both ways.

I am good friends with a gentleman who has always said of life partners who are starting over with a new love, "Whatever each person has when they go into the relationship should remain with each person and after the marriage or partnership is official, then from then on becomes the property of both."

It worked out well for him that way when he recently broke up with a woman he had been with for about 10 years (no marriage). They had not combined previous monies and the money that was in the joint checking account for paying bills ... they just divided equally. They had been living in his house and she still had her own house (son was living there) and so their furniture had not been combined ... she just moved back into her home. He did say though that had they jointly purchased any furniture, he would have gladly split that with her as well.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 18
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What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 2:16:54 PM
Wind Roper, I appreciate very much that you shared your experience with this issue, Ido think that it is valuable. I have not lived with anyone since my divorce, but this has come up in conversation when I was dating someone seriously. We had very different priorities as far as finances were concerned. It was not what ultimately ended things between us, but it did matter in the big picture of things.
 Hearttune
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 19
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 2:25:40 PM
I know that everything you said in the OP has its place, its significance, its bearing upon any such relationship. The financial facts-of-the-matter. I am, however, at a place and a time in my life where I can only think about such things ever so minimalistically. It would literally squash out under foot whatever's left of the romance in my beating heart if I was to think too much about such things in regards to any person I might be fortunate enough to meet who moves my heart profoundly.

I keep it simple. I refuse to be a burden to anyone in this way. I would not want anyone to be a burden to me. I do not think of myself as being stingy about such things. If anything, I naturally tend towards generosity.

And that's that. And that's good enough for me.
 morningsong53
Joined: 5/31/2009
Msg: 20
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 2:35:37 PM
I'm thinking that if all the other qualities were there in a partner, the money thing would line up....it just makes sense to me that how we blend in all the more important ways would set us up to have the beliefs about/experiences with finances being pretty similar. I'm wanting WHO a man is to show up, to be a participant with ME...If all that is cookin'---everything else is good.
 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 21
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 2:40:22 PM
Amethyst, I think we're on the same page. Different POVs regarding financial matters would be a huge red flag beneath a neon sign surrounded by search lights and sided by bon fires complete with marching bands and parade floats for me.
My partner who passed away was my ex. We had been having differences regarding finances for years, linked both to his irresponsibility and periodic falls from the substance abuse wagon. When I divorced him I told him "It is nothing personal. It's business." And I'm sure some people will find that quite cold. I won't defend my decision here and now. What I will say is that at the time of his death he was unemployed, on probation for multiple charges, and over $30,000 in debt just in credit cards (mostly cash advances). Had I remained with him both my career and my finances would have been ruined.
 sassy_scorpio
Joined: 2/27/2009
Msg: 22
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 3:00:05 PM
It would nice to be able to afford to do things. I don't expect to find a rich man by any means, but in my last relationship, he couldn't afford to do much. I don't mind paying my half, but not being able to afford to go to Taco Bell will be something I will watch for.
this time. I'd like to be able to take a trip together, and not have to do everything with other friends because he can barely afford to pay his car payment.
 louise1359
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 23
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 3:03:18 PM
I hope I bring good sense and good faith. Plus dessert; I'm always good for dessert!
 CloudHidden
Joined: 9/28/2009
Msg: 24
What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 3:48:30 PM
What do I bring to the table? Me! Everything else is negotiable to the right person.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 25
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What you bring to the table
Posted: 10/9/2009 4:10:11 PM
I do think it is hard when someone is unable to participate in many things due to finances. I am sympathetic to anyone who lost their job or who has just gone through a divorce. It is tough to be broke all of the time, but it is hard on the relationship when you cannot do things, even small outings due to finances. I do not mind paying my way, but it does limit the adventure for sure if he cannot pay his.

In a dating relationship at our ages, being able to go out to dinner should not be such a big deal.
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