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 AUTHOR
 exiss
Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 3
Her busy SchedulePage 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
I've run into this numerous times. There seems to be some kind of compulsion to fill every waking hour with some type of activity, then not want to have a relationship take any time from it.
Really, there is nothing you can do except remember this:

"Don't make someone a priority, that makes you an option"

I feel that people make time for what is important to them.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 19
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 10/10/2009 6:31:57 PM
IMO it's a compatability issue. Probably worthy of including in a profile.

If both parties are equally as busy then they would both be happy with a limited dating schedules. I really wouldn't want to have my life revolve around anothers. She can have her life, I mine and we can have a life together.

As far as the "failure to launch" part of the relationship. That is something that anyone wishing to have a relationship must make time for. Like any other detail of your schedule they really need to include some time for socializing with the oppostite sex. If they can't do that then they should at least mention in their profile that they only get out once a month or whatever, and I doubt they would get many repsonses except the trollers. Gotta love those trollers.
 Riverkilt
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 29
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History
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 10/10/2009 11:13:33 PM
Sadly, could be Purrsonable is right...just a polite way to say, "No thank you."

Think we're all attracted to dynamic people who have a life.

But, heard someone say once that, "The right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person."

If there is something between you creativity will triumph.
 myrgth
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 31
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History
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:18:10 AM
Perhaps I'm odd, but I don't see anything wrong with scheduling a first meet 3 weeks out. I mean, it's a first meet. Neither of you know if it's worth the effort to shuffle your schedule around to meet, neither of you know if you will find the other engaging or attractive in person, neither of you know if there will be a spark, chemistry, etc. It's a first meet. This is what causes so much bitterness and resentment in dating. People go out of their way to show up when it's not convenient and then end up either not being liked or not liking the person they meet - we see this all the time on the forums. First meets should be casual and convenient for both people. You don't put that kind of pressure on the friends you have in your life so why would you put it on a complete stranger for a first meet?

Hrm, I wouldn't and haven't gotten miffed at those that are talking to multiple people while getting to know me and before we have met - but I notice I don't take them as seriously either and absolutely don't go out of my way to make time for them. Not to say I won't meet them if I'm interested, I just do it when it's convenient for me and go from there.

This is vastly different than a first date after the meet. At that point we both know we are at least interested in getting to know the other person more. That the effort to shuffle the schedule is going to be worth it. They actually look like their picture, they are fun and engaging and they have the potential to be something.

I often wish I could jump into the middle of a relationship with someone. At that point I have all the time in the world. Get through the getting to know you phase with me, with all the time restraints, and the relationship that follows will be worth it. Base what you think you know of me and my ability to have, sustain and maintain a LTR on my initial availability and we both lose out. Although, I won't notice it.. I'm too busy. ;)
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 32
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History
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 10/11/2009 11:20:53 AM

if you matter to them they will make time for you.


This may be true, more'n likely is true, but it is also circular. If you matter to then they will make time for you, YES, but in order to matter to some one you have to make time -- time to get to know'em, time to be with them, time to experience them; for only then will you, or they, know if anything of substance exists.

Its the old chicken-egg situation. Whick comes first????

TK
{cackle cackle}
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 36
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 10/11/2009 12:42:50 PM
I'm never looking for dates to the extent where my schedule should offset that, but I agree with this comment:

As for scheduling, I have found many men (maybe women too) don't want to plan even a few days out. We seem to have created an instant gratification society. I can be spontaneous if I am free. I'm just not free all the time.

I can either include a guy into what I already have planned (I have somewhere to be at 8 but can meet you for 15-30 minutes before/I'll be here doing this at 8 you're welcome to meet me and whoever else there), or plan ahead to meet him for a decent amount of time - I cannot usually go anywhere in half a day's notice, but men seem to take offense if you can't. To set something up 4-7 days in advance gets the comment "can you pencil me in?" to which I usually reply that I was using pen but can make that tentative too if they feel better about it.

If you call me at 5 and ask what I'm doing at 7 on the same night - it's not going to work real well most of the time.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 44
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 10/12/2009 7:59:01 AM
I think the problem is that women see the world and society differently then men. Women need to achieve something to feel good. They volunteer, work out, play sports and show up at events just to be seen. Most have university degrees as well. Their lives are built up like a resume. It's like everything is pieced together to create the ideal woman figure of today. It's an image thing and dating gets pushed way down the list unless a man has something they need to complete themselves.

Here's what I don't get. Male or female, what's wrong with any of this? Doing things to better yourself and feel good is a BAD thing? I guess it only is when your date doesn't come first. What year is it again?

Men don't volunteer? If not, why not? They could if they wanted to.

Men don't work out or play sports? Lotta men I know do - in fact my gym is usually half guys and half women at least - so IME, lots of men work out. Even more play sports than women in my neck of the woods. I don't get the point in bringing that up. Unless it's the women you contact, and you don't work out - then I can see your frustration. That's a lifestyle thing. Contact women who don't stay in shape...they've got that time wide open.

Men don't go to universitys or get degrees? So most colleges are women only? Where I live I see a lot of men in school. Where do you get your statistics?

I know a lot of men who have professional and personal resumes, just like some women. Unless you don't have any of this but pursue women who do, I don't get bringing that up either.

Actually, I usually have more fun, more laughs and make better memories with my girlfriends than I do with some drooling date.

Have to agree here. Friends are forever - men may not be. Choosing one over the other is nuts - there's no need for it.

I think a lot of you men assume that everyone is feverishly hoping to find someone. I don't know about the rest of you ladies, but I'm not about to hear the earful from the guy who wants to date me when my prior commitments come into play. I won't apologize to someone because I have a life that doesn't include fawning all over him.

This seems to be the dilemma of the times. Women who don't do anything with their lives have more than enough time to fawn over a guy - however that guy would have to move her in and pay her bills to get that attention. It cannot go both ways. You want a woman who takes care of herself - expect her to have a life that doesn't get shoved aside for a guy.

Single mothers are very busy people. I always recommend that men date women without kids and without jobs if they want all that "me" time.

Yep...it's the "without jobs" thing that will do the trick. I have no kids but working, going to school, making time for myself and spending time with friends/family takes up some time. I usually date guys with a life too, so I don't usually deal with this type of thing, but for guys without a life I guess it can be frustrating.

Is this a complaint from men that have too much free time? Just sayin'.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 46
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 10/12/2009 9:49:29 AM

First meets should be casual and convenient for both people. You don't put that kind of pressure on the

friends you have in your life so why would you put it on a complete stranger for a first meet?

Precisely.

really dont think many men have the patience to watch a busy girl spin in circles. If women choose to be

busy 24 hours a day, then that says it all. They have no room for you in their lives and they are going to spin in

circles until they are too old and tired to spin anymore. Then they shuffle off to nursing homes and sit in

wheelchairs and get food brought to them and get their adult diapers changed.


All these busy gals are spending their Saturday nights alone or with girlfriends, just like they did when they were 15. Too busy to date, too busy to find love and too busy to really take life in. Its their choice and I leave em to it!

Guess what? A lot of women are beginning to ditch the idea that "finding a man" is the be all to end all. Particularly women who've done the gig and have the Tshirt, but because the love died, or the partner died,they are single now.And though they certainly are not AVERSE to finding another meaningful and worthwhile romantic partnership, they are taking life in ON THEIR OWN,and no longer subscribe to the belief that they must be someone's wife or gf in order to have a meaningful life. "Then they shuffle off to nursing homes and sit in

wheelchairs and get food brought to them and get their adult diapers changed".
Dude, that sounds pretty good if the men she meets disrespect and downgrade the things her life is about,calling it "spinning in circles."
Lots of people who found love and took life in to the utmost will still end up in nursing homes,anyway.

I don't think many women have the patience to be in relationships with men who belittle them and act like women shold be terrified of being single.
Cindy O
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 47
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History
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 10/12/2009 11:20:25 AM
Why do you care, you owe them nothing and who cares if they are irritated, just nix the whole thing as they don't have time anyway. They should really stick to people that are looking for dating and not a relationship.

If you think they are a good person, by all means, go meet them but I wouldn't waste a moment of angst on them if they get their panties in a wad because you are talking to more than one person.


I think the problem is that women see the world and society differently then men. Women need to achieve something to feel good. They volunteer, work out, play sports and show up at events just to be seen. Most have university degrees as well. Their lives are built up like a resume. It's like everything is pieced together to create the ideal woman figure of today. It's an image thing and dating gets pushed way down the list unless a man has something they need to complete themselves.

Where exactly do these people live? The only people I know with time issues are people with children because there are certain time constraints inherent in raising children that vary with the ages of the children. My kids can fend for themselves with meals, etc. but they still need someone hounding them to do homework and they have extra-curricular activities that require taxi service and/or attendance. And believe me, I show up for no one other than my children and feel sorry for the kids whose parents drop them off at concerts and games when they aren't going to work and missing those things because they have no choice.

My free time depends on my workload with the business and what I have to do for my kids because their dad has a ridiculous work schedule and beyond that he is undependable because he is only a parent when he feels like being one. Sometimes that initial meet is hard to schedule but if I meet someone and enjoy spending time with them, I will make time to see them. Not really rocket science.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 51
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 12/14/2009 6:48:58 PM

These people keep busy instead of drinking or doing drugs. Keeps them from getting close to anyone too.

Guys, I hate to break this to you, but the whole dating/relationship/marriage paradigm is changing,especially with mature women. They are no longer sitting by the phone and/or computer hoping for some man to come along and validate them. You don't need to be "close to" a man, to "take life in" and many of them are perfectly willing to take the risk of winding up in a nursing home alone, seeing that as less scary than winding up as somebody's servant and nurse.
When 2 people meet each other and it is good with the Universe that they be a couple, they generally manage to work things out.
I don't mean to come across as denying that some people do use "busyness" as a reason to keep romance at arms length. Of course that happens. But quite often these people ARE "close to" family, friends, neighbors, work or business associates.
And some people have demanding jobs, or businesses that take up a great deal of time. Many of both genders right now are struggling to keep their personal finances stable, to keep a business from going under.
The days of women just noodling around waiting for a man to come and give her a raison d'etre are fading fast, gentlemen.
Cindy O
 MetroJoe
Joined: 11/5/2009
Msg: 52
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 12/14/2009 7:12:46 PM
OP - there is a trendy 'Woman's Magazine' type philosophy spread around that a single woman must appear to men to be 'busy' - vibrant - involved... active - active - active - yada yada yada --- otherwise she is just a dolt homebody type that no man would want...

Well - so much for self-help magazine articles ... (the authors of such articles never ask men their opinions).

When I encounter such a woman on POF - one who is overly busy up to her eyebrows - I conclude that her life is out of control... and that she is not in charge of her life - events control her life...

If a woman has no time for a man - then how can she profess that she wants a man in her life...? The goal and the reality are at great odds.

Joe
 MetroJoe
Joined: 11/5/2009
Msg: 53
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 12/14/2009 7:24:18 PM
Pirateheaven - Did you steal what I wrote a few years ago...? - just kidding...

Seriously - I could have written your exact words... 'Can I pencil you in for the 21st.' she said - (and it is only the 5th.) ..... aaaaaarrrrrrggggggg!!!!

Relationships requite nurturing - nurturing requires time... Otherwise one is just pretending or 'using'.

Well said there Pirate ...

Joe
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 57
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 12/14/2009 11:06:30 PM
I am on a busy schedule but would make time on the weekends. I have to pay the bills myself, so sorry for the busy-ness.

At the same time if I was on welfare, asking for a guy for everything, he'd moan about that too. So I think we're in between a rock and a hard place.
 DIVISION77
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 58
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 12/14/2009 11:18:26 PM
I understand where you are coming from.

It's why I stopped dating single moms altogether.

They know their dating life will suffer and there's a good possibility their options will be limited by the time their kids are grown, but obviously it's not a priority for them.

The only thing you can do is move on, possibly consider dating single unencumbered women who are OK with you having a kid yourself.



 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 64
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 12/15/2009 6:59:34 AM

I am on a busy schedule but would make time on the weekends. I have to pay the bills myself, so sorry for the busy-ness.

At the same time if I was on welfare, asking for a guy for everything, he'd moan about that too. So I think we're in between a rock and a hard place.

Good point. I don't think there's any real solution here - just a lot of complaining.
 Mr.Versatility
Joined: 11/12/2009
Msg: 65
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 12/15/2009 7:09:52 AM
My ex gf once told me, " if you like someone you can always make time for them"

6 months down the road when I used that line on her, it meant nothing, of course whats good for the goose isn't good for the gander right.....

Way too many double standards when it comes to women and dating.......

I firmly do believe that if you like someone enough you will and can set aside time from them, noone wants to feel like your bothered by them, and trying to avoid them....
 milt_n_bradley
Joined: 10/14/2009
Msg: 66
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 12/15/2009 8:39:09 AM
If her schedule is "too busy" to accomodate a personal life,why is she trying to date?
I work..a lot...but I also take time for myself.

If she is unable to find and maintain a balance,then maybe she should consider reorganizing her life.
Or just decide not to date until she does/or can.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 68
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 12/15/2009 8:56:27 AM

If her schedule is "too busy" to accomodate a personal life,why is she trying to date?
I work..a lot...but I also take time for myself.

I think most people work and take time for themselves. Dating isn't included in any of that, it's a separate thing from both work and down time.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 69
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 12/15/2009 9:07:02 AM
If you're finding all kinds of women like this, they're not really into dating one particular guy and are just so busy being busy that they're more interested in you filling in one of the voids in their schedule. I doubt very much this is the norm, however, and have to wonder why you keep running up against it. Perhaps it's the "type" of women you are seeking without realizing it. If you're attracted to women with a profession, rather than a "job", you're bound to find they like that busy feeling and they over-extend themselves to the point they don't have time for a dating life. Their life may sound interesting but it winds up that their too interested in themselves. Perhaps change your criteria for the type of women you think you want...it's obviously not working.
 MetroJoe
Joined: 11/5/2009
Msg: 73
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 12/15/2009 6:22:50 PM
After reading the rest of the posts ... I wish to make another comment. The real issue is not about whether one can have a busy life style or not. A man or woman can choose to do what ever they wish - it is the freedom they have...

The actual issue is when one professes to want to enter the dating pool - says that she is ready to have a new man in her life - and it is quickly discovered by those who attempt to date her -- that she has not thought through any aspect of what is required to 'have a new man in her life'... because she has no time - no available time.

The actual issue is 'The Contradiction'. Bottom line - if you are 'bussied' up and have little time for anything - then face it -- you don't have time to date or work on creating a relationship. . . So Quit misleading people. Get realistic - quit wasting the valuable time others use up trying to deal with you.

And for those of you who believe that this this situation is rare -- then you are just flat wrong. I am a keen and accurate observer of life and I know.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 85
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 12/29/2009 8:02:07 PM
I would make time on weekends, as I work 2 jobs. I have all of the bills to pay.

Anyway, seems damn if we do damn if we don't. on the other side of the coin the same guys will be griping about welfare moms.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 86
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 12/29/2009 8:33:40 PM
^^^That's pretty much it.

You can either choose women who make their own money and therefore have less time to devote to (a new prospect) dating, or:

You can take women out with plenty of time but little money and pick up the check.

Your choice.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 90
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 12/31/2009 9:53:26 AM
^^Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather make money I can't spend than need money I don't have....any day. If I end up dead on a pile of money, that's fine. I'm never in the mood for loving when I'm not financially stable - so for me and my potential love life work is priority.

I'm down from two jobs to one job and full time school (working on the next 2nd job) - my current job can be on call which means if I am on a date and my phone rings and someone needs me to work, I reschedule the date and take the job. No question.
 TiffLS
Joined: 10/28/2009
Msg: 96
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 1/3/2010 3:31:45 PM
"What does women supporting themselves have to do with it? Men who support themselves seem to have the time to date.

I think the problem is that women see the world and society differently then men. Women need to achieve something to feel good. They volunteer, work out, play sports and show up at events just to be seen. Most have university degrees as well. Their lives are built up like a resume. It's like everything is pieced together to create the ideal woman figure of today. It's an image thing and dating gets pushed way down the list unless a man has something they need to complete themselves."

There are many statistical differences that men don't seem to take into account. Granted, they're not true for every single woman, but women typically earn less than men, even in comparable jobs--that means that a woman typically has to work longer hours to simply make ends meet than a man does. Women are also statistically much more likely to be custodial parents than men are--and child-rearing is probably the most time- and energy-consuming role on the planet. And women tend to perceive a responsibility to play a different role in their children's lives than men do. I couldn't count the number of times I've heard a man to suggest that so long as the kid has a roof over his/her head and food, you can pretty much get on with your life. Most women I know, on the other hand, have both a desire and a sense of obligation to spend time with the kids, socializing, helping with homework, getting to know their friends, etc. When someone is working 60 hours a week and trying to put in substantial family time simultaneously, it's pretty hard to find time. That's why I didn't date during the first several years after I separated from my husband. Ironically, I got the same kind of crap from men that the women who are trying to squeeze in dating are getting. Seems like one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situations.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 99
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 1/3/2010 5:18:13 PM
It's a matter of finding someone as busy (or not as busy) as you are. Plain and simple, if someone's busy and it bothers you, either find more things to do with your spare time, or date someone on the same level you are.
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