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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.      Home login  
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 carterscutie85
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 4
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.Page 1 of 25    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)
Oh yeah. Nothing will tick someone off more then if u try to criticize their parenting skills.

I have a problem where men seem to think I should just be at their beck and call. They'll send me an instant message on Yahoo and if I don't respond right away they keep sending me messages asking where I am. It's like..umm, hello, I have a 6 month old child, and I have a life. I can't always get back to u right away, but I will when I have some time. So I would say don't get mad if she doesn't return your phone calls or instant messages right away, or if she had to cancel plans at the last minute because of something to do with her kids. You never know when your kid is suddenly going to get sick or your babysitter will cancel at the last minute.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 5
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/13/2009 1:55:39 PM
OP

If you've got options, I would just not date single mothers.

It's really not worth it for multiple reasons.

-8sf8
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 9
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The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/13/2009 5:12:31 PM

Now, go check out the current threads on this forum about guys who the courts have ORDERED to pay support for children that ARENT THEIRS. Washington state, Illinois, New York, and at least ONE province of Canada will FORCE you to support HER kids.. even after the breakup, and whether you marry or not.

Assuming of course that SHE initiates court proceedings to get it. IMO that's low. Not all single moms will do that. The government isn't aware of who is living together beyond the income tax returns, and unless the papers are filed, they are sure as sh*t not aware of who's broken up with whom.


OP.. treat her with respect. Know that sometimes things are out of her control where her kids go, and she might have to bail on you last minute because the kids are sick, or the sitter never showed, or her car broke down, or whatever. Don't take it personally.

I do not expect any man to get involved with my kids... in fact I don't let him meet them until I know it's going somewhere or it's been 4-6 mo.

I am NOT looking for a daddy for them. They have one. And as much as I think he's a putz 99% of the time, he's still their dad.

I am NOT looking for someone to pay my way. I have my own money. Fine... take me out for dinner or a movie... next time I'm paying. We can take turns. Some men feel it's important to pay, and if it is going to offend your ego if I do, then fine.. you can buy. I don't expect it tho.

You are dating ME, not my children. That means that our time together will be our time together. When/if we get to the point of doing things with my children, then we'll have to figure that out at that point. You will still have time alone with me.

I do not expect you to be a parent to my children. When/if we get to that point and you feel comfortable enough to do it, feel free. I tend to have a "it takes a village" attitude and if you see something they shouldn't be doing, then you get to deal with it. Doesn't do much good to wait until after you've explained it all to me. By that point they've forgotten what they are getting in trouble for. Kind of like disciplining dogs.

Spoil me rotten. You are not obligated to spoil the kids.

Oh. And you're going to have to share me with them. After all.. they were here first.
 singlesuperdad
Joined: 8/26/2009
Msg: 10
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The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/13/2009 5:17:25 PM
my last four girlfriends were single moms, and being a single mom had nothing to do with our break ups. We had no problems finding time to date and alone adult time. They weren't out for money and I found it was no different than dating a single woman. I've found that the single mom are less likely to be out for money and more into finding a mate to spend their life with.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 12
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/13/2009 5:56:07 PM
^^^ What's ignorant is women who don't know how to use birth control, or decide to bring a new life into the world with less than optimal conditions when she has complete control over whether she gives birth or not.

It's not just ignorant, it'd disgusting.

Just my opinion, though. And opinions are like baby daddys. Everyone's got one.

;)
 sxygotti_gurl23
Joined: 3/25/2009
Msg: 14
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/13/2009 6:24:44 PM
well im a single mom, but never by choice. most men under 40 are loosers and can`t keep there****contained. soo after being cheated on your outta here..ladies calm down lol besides are do we really care what he thinks`when`when i wouldnt date him anyway,lol!
 ValkyrieHJR
Joined: 8/8/2009
Msg: 18
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/13/2009 8:08:57 PM

Ask yourself this question.

If things break up after a year or so, do I want to start having to pay child support for HER kids, just because I got involved with her.

If the answer is NO NO NO NO NO.. then DONT date her.

Now, go check out the current threads on this forum about guys who the courts have ORDERED to pay support for children that ARENT THEIRS. Washington state, Illinois, New York, and at least ONE province of Canada will FORCE you to support HER kids.. even after the breakup, and whether you marry or not.

That is the sole biggest issue for you to consider. Especially at your young age.

Next issue.. She is willing to keep any accidents your sex might create. She's already got kid(s) from her last guy in a failed relationship. So unless you date her platonically and marry her BEFORE having sex, you are heading into a very fertile field, just for some DATING.

Next - Her kids will ALWAYS COME FIRST. Deal with that. It NEVER changes. You will have NO SAY about how they act, behave, bother, or any other issue. Can you totally shut your mouth FOREVER over HER kids.

Next- The EX. HE will ALWAYS be a thorn in YOUR side. He has a RIGHT to be around his kids.. and she will HAVE to be dealing with him FOREVER. He's the kid's father. He WILL be around.

And that's just a short list. Sure her hot little body is worth all that??

I mean what, you cant find a SINGLE, NEVER MARRIED hottie like her?


I really am getting tired of seeing s*^t like this. I mean, really? What is the point in all of this single mom bashing going on? It's ridiculous. We have enough problems as it is, dealing with discrimination on two different levels. Now we have to put up with it when we try to date? Apparently the OP really likes this woman, single mom or not. So let him date her. It's not all that bad.

If a single mom is introducing you to her children and you are involved with each other, then chances are she is pretty sure they will like you, even if it does take a little work. Remember that the kids are probably going to be jealous for a bit. I mean they have had mommy to themselves for however long. Now they have to share her with someone new. And divorce is never easy for the kids. So when mommy introduces you, it's going to be another big change for them. Patience is required.

and M_Church.....social services will not go after a boyfriend for child support unless one of the children is his and the mom applies for some sort of aid from the government, such as welfare, or medicaid or something like that. The government does not really care who you live with. And yes, they can track things like address changes, but why would they unless the mom starts that paperwork? The government has a bit much on their hands right now too worry who you are living with and who is breaking up with who.
 KarmicEvolution
Joined: 11/22/2008
Msg: 19
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The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/13/2009 8:34:57 PM
Remember her kids. Their names, if she mentioned something important about them, hell just remember they exist. Most women are viewed as "just a mom" when they have kids but adult KarmicEvolution and Mommy KarmicEvolution are two different people. You can ask about their kids well being without it becoming the only topic of conversation, but you have to know that a lot of our extra time is spent...

Reading... Goodnight Moon and Hop on Pop
Writing... Letters to teachers and the alphabet
Going to art shows... at daycare
Taking long drives... to the pediatrician first thing in the morning
Exercising... at the park while chasing a child, chasing a dog who stole her stuffed monkey

So sometimes we just have Mommy-Brain.



^^^ What's ignorant is women who don't know how to use birth control, or decide to bring a new life into the world with less than optimal conditions when she has complete control over whether she gives birth or not.

It's not just ignorant, it'd disgusting.

Just my opinion, though. And opinions are like baby daddys. Everyone's got one.

;)


Considering what you think of us, why are you here? Do you even have kids? Whats wrong with you that the mom left? Was she a one night stand gone wrong or did you just eff up a relationship? Why would you sleep with someone and not use a condom? Or make sure she was on the pill? Are you fixed now just to make sure you dont contribute to bringing a child into this world "with less then optimal conditions"?

Or are you single, childless and internally bitter about it?

On the off chance that some poor woman passed away leaving you with a child, are you planning on giving them up now that your situation is less then optimal?

Grow up Man. Theres so many better things to spend your energy on then harping on single moms who may or may not have made a bad choice in their lives. Theres lots of single moms that suck, and their kids are hooligans and need therapy, but theres lots of single moms that kick ass and have good kids. Lumping all of us together is no better then saying all black people are criminals or all gay men are molesters or all men with big feet ... well you get the drift.

Take the energy you spend here and promote giveyour10.com or feed the children or anything that brings people up. Youre wasting your time with negativity.
 ValkyrieHJR
Joined: 8/8/2009
Msg: 21
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/13/2009 9:05:18 PM
^^^^^ I think this one says it all. Really......
 KarmicEvolution
Joined: 11/22/2008
Msg: 22
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The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/13/2009 9:05:53 PM
Ok...
Rules for dating a single mom...
(Seriously)

1... Allow her to set the rules for meeting her kids... or not....
2... Talk to her about her kids and understand and respect her concerns about her kids...
3... Understand that sh*t happens and a date may be cancelled with NO warning...
4... Doggie Bags are sometimes your friend... a fancy restaurant meal can end up being a reheat in the nuker-wave... Get used to it, and smile and think of how much she appreciates you for making the most of it...
5... Taking her kids to McDonalds when you don't have to, means a lot more to her than taking her to some frakking foreign sounding joint just to get in her pants...
6... "How are your kids?", should be more than just small talk....
7... Smile, and look sincerely friendly when you meet the kid's father... you can always kill him later.... LOL Besides, the nicer you treat him, the more confused he will be....
8... Show up and order pizza (get an extra large or two...) She may not say anything, but knowing that there are enough leftovers to feed the kids a lunch might mean so much to her....
9... Bring over a movie(s) that you KNOW the kids would love to see....
10.. Understand that some nights she may have to deal with her Ex... understand that some of those times she will take her frustrations out on you afterwards... Get over it, she will make it up to you another day....
11.. Video games are your friends... No one will give you as much of a run for your money as a 12 year old with an xbox 360... playing Gears of War or something similar... and if her kids love playing with you, well, Hey, they're not plotting to kill you in real life.... maybe onscreen, but you can deal with that...
12.. It might take a long time before you get to stay for breakfast... suck it up...
13.. Some nights she will be a basket case, some nights she will be a mom, some nights she will be a worrier.... and some nights, if you made it through all the other nights, she will rock your world....
14.. A single mom is a complex creature... She needs you to help her grow, and flourish... and you can help, but only if you guide and help and participate, but not if you criticise, control or manage her....
15.. Last but not least... Love her...



Wow... just wow. Thats damn good... think I might just print this out and start to flyer peoples cars with it... lol
 _SYN_
Joined: 9/20/2009
Msg: 24
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/13/2009 9:24:23 PM
taken fab-mom wrote:
buy her LOTS of presents because we (single mothers)all love men to buy us stuff.

Wouldn't hurt to pay her bills for her cause again..we like and expect men to do that.

Don't ever expect sex. We are far too busy being mommy to do any of that nonsense.


lmao! yeah, that pretty much sums up "our kind".
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 26
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The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/13/2009 11:17:22 PM
Make sure that you are thinking about the kids relative to when you meet them and I am assuming young kids, that you figure out if you really get on fairly well before you spend any substantial time around the kids. When you read some of the things I included in this post, if you don't see yourself as ever really permanent with this woman, you would do everyone a favor if you backed away. No one has a crystal ball but getting involved with a woman with kids if you don't see cohabitation or marriage as a possibility a couple of years down the road, this creates a difficult situation for the kids when you are suddenly not around.

The last time I was in Chicago visiting my family I spoke with my best friend's mother. Her grand-daughter had recently married and she chose to have both her step-father and her father walk her down the aisle. Now, this woman is a bit of a pistol and she said that particularly considering bio dad being an alcoholic mess, that she would have boycotted the wedding if she hadn't chosen to have her step-father also walk her down the aisle because he was really the one who was her dad.

She said that she was leery about her daughter dating, the girl was around five when the parents split, but that after they had gone on several dates alone, he most often did things with her that would allow them to include the little girl. That really touched grandma and I am sure at a time when my friend's sister felt awful having had hubby cheat on her, and the stigma of being a single mom which was a bit more of a big deal 15 or more years ago, to know that the man really liked and enjoyed spending time with her but accepted and wanted to spend time around her daughter was a big deal. I would caution again, however, make sure that things are looking pretty good because young children can get attached pretty easily. You might want to consider whether you are the type of person to maintain a relationship with kids if things don't work out.

Friend of mine recently said if he and my friend ever split up, he would no way stop being a dad to her kids, none of which are his, but from her two marriages. He has been there since the 10-year-old was around 2, and the girls are just a few years older.

As has already been noted, avoid telling her that she is doing something wrong with her kid. Read these threads and when you are around enough to start doing some parental things just like female friends often do with their friend's kids, look for positive ways to help without criticizing. At some point if you got serious you should sit down and talk about discipline and where she would feel that she should be the sole purpose doing things, like making decisions about school and how things are with the bio dad if there is one. If there is, my advice on that is to continue to try to be cordial and develop a friendship of sorts. It took quite a number of years but I am friends with my stepson's mother. And realistically, when kids are involved, unless dad is totally out of the picture, he is going to be around in some capacity for holidays and other special occasions, etc. Better for everyone to try to get along.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 29
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/14/2009 5:33:59 AM
mr. Church has most definately been the king of making things to consider lists.
And his new list was very nice, i think mr. church got some good lovin lately.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 31
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/14/2009 8:16:56 AM
I think it's funny when women send me hate mail on here and then block me.

./bravo

No wonder some guy thought you were good enough to bang and then didn't stick around to raise a kid.

I wouldn't want to raise half a person like that's DNA either. Maybe instead of blaming men for their stupid decisions, more women should be a bit more choosey about a man's DNA they choose to bind their own with, and they should, you know, have kids when they're married and financially stable.

Just a thought.

It's called taking responsibility for your actions. PS - women CAN and DO decide to end all emotional and financial obligation to a child. It's called adoption.

So why is it that men don't have the same right? Where is the equality in that?
 Just_2_b_me
Joined: 6/22/2006
Msg: 32
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/14/2009 8:19:34 AM
I couldn’t resist this thread …. and m_church's new rules .. ( I'll have to find the old ones)

The benefits of dating a single Mom ….. for a guy in his 20’s

1) Her fridge probably has more food in it than yours
2) Actually knows where the kitchen is in her house
3) May even know how to use most of the appliances in the kitchen
4) Probably has a washer and dryer
5) Knows how to use the above washer & dryer
6) Knows there is more to washing cloth’s than just colors or whites
7) More guys nights out, after all she can’t go to happy hour, she’s got to pick the kids up after work
8) Cheap date, movie & a pizza (option #1)
9) Probably has an X-box, Playstation or WII for her kids (cheap date option #2)


And the number one reason (as someone else mentioned) she puts out, after all she has the trophies to prove it …..
 Just_2_b_me
Joined: 6/22/2006
Msg: 36
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/14/2009 9:01:39 AM
I found it !!!

For a man, dating a woman with kids may mean:
1... No overnight stays...
2... Sudden cancellations to plans... I've been sitting down to a great dinner in a nice restaurant and we have to drop everything and leave for a kid emergency...
3... Kids may do whatever they can to ruin your relationship (See #2) Including accusations of just about anything.
4... You get to put up with all the flak the kids want to give you, but you are unable to have any say, discipline or argument on the matter... They can be little angels when mommy is watching and Satan incarnate when she's not there...
5... Anything you do costs more... Dinner in nice restaurants for 2 becomes dinner at McDonalds for 4... Hotels, don't ask... maybe need two rooms? or larger suite...?
6... You and your girlfriend are welcome at your friend's cottages... You and your girlfriend and her kids are NOT welcome at your friend's cottages...
7... Like walking around naked when it's just you and your G/F? Well, no more.... because it's never "just you and your G/F" anymore...
8... Depending on the age of the kids, and their bedtimes determines what you do even if it's only watching television.... Arguments over what to watch are more interesting when you get to choose between Sesame Street or the Game.... You cannot win no matter the outcome....
9... If the kids get sick, EVERYONE gets sick! And Kids do get sick a lot....
10. Nothing kills the mood like having the kids open the door without knocking.... or the threat of it happening...
11. Money is usually tighter... if not for you, for her...
12. Get used to meeting the kids father all the time if he's around... and oddly enough, he may not like you... If you're not big on meeting your G/F's ex lovers, this can be a strain...
13. Get used to hearing all about him... the kids love to tell you all the great things he does for them....
14. Get used to sometimes having to sit at home, while your G/F and her Ex go out together to do some kid related things....
15. Your evening with your G/F doesn't really start until after the kid's bedtimes... or an hour or two and or a few interruptions later....
16. Said evening means having the music or TV turned down low so as to not wake the little ones...
17. Sometimes you will have to meet the kids grandparents from the Father's side... Oddly, they won't like you either...
18. And consider this, if you do get involved long term with her and her kids... What happens to the kids if anything should happen to her...????


OP, do as you wish but do it after being informed .....
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 46
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/14/2009 12:49:59 PM
When i tries stove sex i got burns on my ass. Nbody told me i wasnt supposed to do it while dinner was on.

matched my burns on my chest from having sex bent over on my husband police cruiser, those hoods are hooooooot.


Just do it the old-fashioned way, on the roof.
 singlesuperdad
Joined: 8/26/2009
Msg: 53
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The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/14/2009 3:45:41 PM

Men shouldn't fear taking responsibility of someone elses child. It makes them a better person in my eyes.


It makes them a better person in their own eyes too.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 54
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/14/2009 4:38:33 PM

I don't understand why people do that...I will tell you right here that you are an idiot


I know fab-mom....

Which is why despite the fact that I loathe and despise almose everything about you, I have grudging respect for you.

I personally would rather be respected than liked, and I think the feeling is mutual.


Men shouldn't fear taking responsibility of someone elses child. It makes them a better person in my eyes.


In my eyes it makes them look like a chump.


If you love someone, you will do what you please for that person. It shouldn't matter if they have a child or not.


If that were true, there wouldn't be so many men who split if a woman gets pregnant and decides to have the baby.

Also, speaking for myself here, I can only love a girl I respect. I don't respect single mothers.

Sooo... not gonna happen.

;)

-8sf8
 Nativesweetness ~*
Joined: 8/3/2009
Msg: 56
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/14/2009 5:56:02 PM
I'm glad there are topics like this.These make me wanna stay single till my kids are in College.That's 16 years from now..lol...Almost all guys that date single moms are just trying to get in their pants.Plus from alot of topics on here they assume that they are looking for a new daddy and looking for a guy to be there personal bank machine or that single moms are sluts...lmao..For myself I sure the hell don't expect a man to take care of me or my childern.He no rights to them what so ever.Never will..He'd be in a relationship with me, sure the hell not my kids..Even before I had my kids I didn't let a man pay for anything for me..I always took care of myself..I do the same with my kids and always will..

Unoffical rule for me don't ask to meet my kids
 TheToefactor
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 57
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/14/2009 7:32:45 PM

I think it's funny when women send me hate mail on here and then block me.

./bravo

No wonder some guy thought you were good enough to bang and then didn't stick around to raise a kid.

I wouldn't want to raise half a person like that's DNA either. Maybe instead of blaming men for their stupid decisions, more women should be a bit more choosey about a man's DNA they choose to bind their own with, and they should, you know, have kids when they're married and financially stable.

Just a thought.

It's called taking responsibility for your actions. PS - women CAN and DO decide to end all emotional and financial obligation to a child. It's called adoption.

So why is it that men don't have the same right? Where is the equality in that?


Another one Mommy didn't give enough love too.

You must be hung like a gerbil to have so much animosity towards single mothers.
 ValkyrieHJR
Joined: 8/8/2009
Msg: 59
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/14/2009 8:23:20 PM
What I find so amusing on here is how many of you guys actually think we are all after someone's money. It's almost laughable, really.

I spent the last 10 yrs married to a guy that looked for every excuse not to have a job. In fact, I was the only person working for the last years of our marriage. When I got laid off, he suddenly decided "he wasn't happy" and had to move in with his girlfriend that was employed and could take care of him.

So I am pretty sure that, while I might be struggling, I can take care of my own kids without a man to help. Especially since I have been doing it for so long.

Why do you all assume that we want someone to take care of our kids? We can do that ourselves? And are more than willing, obviously, to do so. What makes all of you so sure that we are just looking for whats in your wallet?
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 60
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The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/14/2009 9:04:42 PM
Your intelligent question is appreciated. It IS different to date a parent than someone who has less encumbrances on their time. You can expect to see them less; you can NOT expect to be able to sleep over. The relationship will likely move more slowly. You must realize that they may have to break plans at the last minute, due to a change in the childrens' schedules, or sickness. You can expect to be interrupted, often. You have to be secure enough to know that these things don't reflect upon you, but upon the fact that they have responsibilities beyond themselves, or your relationship. You can expect them to be tired, all the time!

If you can appreciate the fact that they are willing to allow you in to their lives, and put effort into your relationship, and they are able to show their appreciation for this, you are capable of having a relationship with a single parent.

What you can do: be accepting, understanding, and give a mean massage! Before you give advice, simply ask why they do a particular thing they way they do it. You don't have to agree, and you can make suggestions, but please don't pretend to know better, unless you've walked in their shoes. There is a way to approach such matters as discipline without putting someone on the defensive.

There are so many threads on this subject, and I am happy to see one not directed (various posters who choose to do so are of no consequence to the discussion at hand) at "bashing" the single parent. At some point in our lives, the majority of us will either be single parents, or find our dating pool full of them, so it is mature & wise to recognize this, and seek advice on how to deal with it. Good luck!
 KarmicEvolution
Joined: 11/22/2008
Msg: 63
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The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/14/2009 10:20:49 PM
Can we ll please stop bashing mac and cheese! Why do we have to stereo type this pasta thats just trying to feed people quickly. It doesnt want money or all your time, just an occasional lunch here and there. And just because it has white cheddar doesnt mean its looking for anything more then a package with regular cheddar would.

 KarmicEvolution
Joined: 11/22/2008
Msg: 72
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The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 10/15/2009 10:42:00 AM

I see a lot of this from many (not all) different single moms... about the kid's father being a 'loser' in one way or another...


My daughters father was a great guy, my best friend in fact. I gave him the option of being involved or not, he chose not. That effectively ruined our friendship since we couldnt hang out and just have him pretend she wasnt there. Hell we never talked again after I told him about her (his choice), maybe he thinks she isnt his, who knows.

Other then the shittiness of his loss not getting to be involved with a great little girl I wont bad mouth her father, nor will I force him to be involved emotionally or financially. Down the road she is probably going to want to know who he is and if she goes looking I would prefer he not turn her away because he resents me.
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