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Show ALL Forums  > Off Topic  > A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.      Home login  
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 GreatExpectations31
Joined: 9/28/2009
Msg: 1
A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
So, I'm sure posting this will get me more negative than positive responses, but I needed to get this out and this was the quickest way I knew how.

My great uncle is dying. He has renal failure, and recently the doctors say he has had a heart attack. He's fading quickly and although I am EXTREMELY sympathetic to his children and close family members, I'm so mad at him I can barely see straight.

You see, from the time I was old enough to realize who my family really was, this man has been a MONSTER to me. And that was just because I knew how his ATTITUDE was. It has been only VERY recently (after finding out some things that he did to certain OTHER members of my family) that I developed a sort of unhealthy HATRED toward him.

Not ONLY did he force a 6 year old girl into a "sexual relationship" for YEARS and continue to brainwash her well into her SIXTIES to believe that it was her fault, but he also treated every offspring of hers (and THEIR offspring) like we were the absolute most DISGUSTING human beings he has ever had to TOLERATE.

DIRTY LAUNDRY???? I would Say so!!!!

For YEARS, I personally never got help from my family when I was abused and could not for the LIFE of me figure out why. I let them make me believe from the time I was 5 years old that the things that were happening to me were somehow my fault and that I should not tell anyone (especially the police) because if I wasn't such a "bad little girl", these people wouldn't be trying to hurt me!!!!!!

Now I know that they were INCAPABLE of helping me because they never had the help they needed for the things that happened to THEM and for at least ONE of them (my Grandmother, hero, strength, and rock) those things happened because HE did them!!!

I just got off the phone with my mother. You know what she said?????

"You should really learn to let the past go. Things that happened in your past have absolutely nothing to do with the present." Are you SERIOUS>!>?

Maybe the things that happened in HER past are easy for her to let go, but the man who stole her ability to parent me when I was growing up and HER mother's ability to parent HER when she was growing up is dying in a hospital right now and from what I can tell, has NEVER apologized to my grandmother, to my mother, and CERTAINLY not to me.

Not that his worthless apology would mean a damn thing to me at this point, but still.

Anyway, I just needed to get that out. I hope if there is a life after this one, that he really has been forgiven (at least by whatever he gets his forgiveness from) and that the next life is a place where he learns that hurting people doesn't just affect them directly, it affects MANY generations to come.

Thanks for listening, POF. I'm out.
 My3cents
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 2
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A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/16/2009 8:30:37 AM
Would you feel bad later on if you went and told him exactly what you thought of him ?
Time is after all running out. You still have an oppotunity to attempt to make peace with yourself and lay rest to all of the anger/sense of injustice you're carrying around.
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 3
A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/16/2009 8:31:11 AM
Even evil people die eventually.

I'm sorry that he has caused so much pain in your family and indirectly in your life. But at some point today he'll finally be gone. If you can be supportive of his family then you should - but I gather that your anger will make that impossible.

I know it's the grieving period, but I strongly believe we all need to speak out about this type of evil. The reason this is so pervasive is because it's kept behind closed doors and those who commit these acts can be assured of silence.

Shout it out - we owe consideration to the living; to the dead we owe only the truth.
 GreatExpectations31
Joined: 9/28/2009
Msg: 4
A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/16/2009 8:41:46 AM

Would you feel bad later on if you went and told him exactly what you thought of him ?
Time is after all running out. You still have an oppotunity to attempt to make peace with yourself and lay rest to all of the anger/sense of injustice you're carrying around.


As much as I would really like to call him up and let him have it for what he did to my family, I have to go with the respect for his close family on this one. He's their father, husband and brother and they deserve to bury his sorry ass (excuse me, my anger keeps creeping up) in peace.

I think he knows exactly what he did and he doesn't need me to tell him that in his last moments of life.

I agree with what you're saying, but I'm going to be the bigger person in this situation and in that, I will find inner peace.
 GreatExpectations31
Joined: 9/28/2009
Msg: 5
A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/16/2009 8:45:41 AM

Even evil people die eventually.

I'm sorry that he has caused so much pain in your family and indirectly in your life. But at some point today he'll finally be gone. If you can be supportive of his family then you should - but I gather that your anger will make that impossible.

I know it's the grieving period, but I strongly believe we all need to speak out about this type of evil. The reason this is so pervasive is because it's kept behind closed doors and those who commit these acts can be assured of silence.

Shout it out - we owe consideration to the living; to the dead we owe only the truth.


I couldn't agree more. This man may have deeply hurt everyone I care about but it is HE (not I) who is breathing his final breaths on this planet. I can only hope that when he dies today, that the abusive spirit he passed on to so many generations will die with him. I now, and have always refused to continue in that abusive spirit that so pervasively diluted so many before me, and because of that I have had to suffer tremendous losses of my own, but this is the end of the road for him. And that's really all the peace I need.

Hope that doesn't sound too terrible.
 My3cents
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 6
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A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/16/2009 9:12:39 AM
greatexpectations31; No I wouldn't do it over the phone. Face to face is so much more appropriate. I would also tell him in private and spare his immediate family. Also I don't believe telling him off would be as much for his benefit as it would yours. You are the one who has to carry around all that anger. I'm just saying put your anger where it belongs. Being a 'bigger person' basically means stuffing it in this case, conspiring with the family to keep the scandle secret. Doing that doesn't do anybody any good and only leaves you with the solace that he got what was coming to him in the end. Maybe that will work for you. Hope you feel better
 farceur
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 7
A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/16/2009 9:26:37 AM
How come his dying makes you angry? I get why you are angry for what he has done, but I'm curious how it works for you, that knowing he is dying now evokes anger. Is it because the chance to see him pay for his crimes goes with him, or why? What are you angry about that relates specifically to the event of his dying?
 Twister239
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 8
A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/16/2009 10:13:04 AM
Listen to your mother...
Its up to YOU to keep it together and not let this ruin the rest of your life. If your mad now , just wait untill after he is dead...thats when all the secrets REALLY start to come out.
Altho this man infected so many lives , the only one that your going to be able to help is yourself. I dont know if you ever read the bible, but there is a verse that claims "vengence is mine" .
Your job is to pick up and carry on like the survivor you are , leave the vengence to God and in believing so..it releases the feeling like you should 'do something' to make him pay before he slips away.
Perhaps others will see your strength and not allow this to ruin the rest of their lives as well.
let the anger go....you are holding the anger...the anger is not holding you...let it go !
No where in this post will you see where I said it would be easy..cause its not..but it IS your best move.
Your a strong woman.....you can do this.
 C2H5OH
Joined: 4/13/2009
Msg: 9
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A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/16/2009 11:19:45 AM
Break the cycle.

You said you were abused yourself.Have you dealt with it? He may have been abused himself,not that I'm excusing his actions and in turn abused the next generation and then that next generation may abuse the next and so on.

I don't know much about your mother,so I'm just making assumptions here,but I assume she's older and is from the generation of women who stayed home and were subservient and seen and not heard.What happened in the home,stayed in the home and it was all about being loyal to the husband and looking peachy to the neighbors.I've seen documentaries where mothers would go to the grave with the secret rather than letting the world know that they weren't the perfect family.

I would let your family member have it or it's gonna eat you up inside for the rest of your life.
 WantaSmart1
Joined: 8/18/2008
Msg: 10
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A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/16/2009 3:00:56 PM
I wholeheartedly agree with Halftime. Unless people know exactly what you went through, you will never be able to find peace for yourself. Once this perv is gone, exposing it then can only prove counterproductive - his survivors will probably not believe it and you will have that drama to deal with as well.

Let his family remember him for what he truly was. Tell him now - how what he did has affected your life ever since. Preferably with a few family members present. Sure he may deny it, but with witnesses present, they'll know it's not just something you came up with to sully his memmory later. The fact that you would reveal this at a time when he's dying? Tough for him - he should have considered the possibilities when he was a healthy molester.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 11
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A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/16/2009 3:09:27 PM
I hope you'll spend some time with a good counsellor. It can help, really.

The family members who want you to move on and let go of the past are in denial and they don't like you bringing up the ugly truth they don't want to admit. At the same time, for you to carry the burden of this continues to hurt *you* and not anyone else.

At this particular time when he is dying, it really stirs up memories and emotions. I know, because I went through it two years ago when a significant family member, who had been very abusive to me, died. Part of the legacy of that abuse was other family members blaming me for the person's abusive behavior and shunning me. It's very hard. Fortunately, I worked with a good counselor years ago who helped me to understand my situation and helped me to loosen the grip it had on me. When the family member died, I still had a lot of strong feelings but by that point at least one family member was willing to hear me and believe me. I can't do anything about the others.

It's tough. I know that. Find someone you can talk to, someone you trust that will listen without judgment.

Good luck.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 12
A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/16/2009 3:15:18 PM
You're going to feel even more anger and hurt if you decide to dredge this up on his death bed if you do it with other family members present - from them.

Usually, going to funerals is to honour the death of a person. Personally, I wouldn't go. I wouldn't be able to stand listening to all the BS about the guy. It would be a farce.

You do need to get this off your chest, however. I'd suggest writing him a long letter, stating everything he's ever made you feel and think. Take a time to go to his gravesight later, read the letter to him by yourself, and afterwards find a spot to bury the letter.

Even if you did manage to talk to him privately before he dies, I doubt you would get an apology or you would have by now - that would only anger you further.
 Krebby2001
Joined: 6/12/2007
Msg: 13
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A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/16/2009 3:19:58 PM
First, I'm truly sorry that you've gone through such a horrid experience.

They say that "life is for the living." I wouldn't have a heart-to-heart with him between now and when he eventually passes away. Reason: It won't have any impact on the here and now.

The time to do something was when it would actually make a difference. Whether you tell him or don't tell him how you feel won't amount to a hill of beans at this point.

There IS something that you can do, however, and that is to work with those still living that were affected by this trauma. It must never happen again; therefore, it is important for those who still have their heads in the sand to realize how wrong and hurtful it is to excuse this type of behavior. Until they realize the immensity of this wrong, it COULD happen again. It must not. Those still living, who were perpetrated upon by this man, they are the ones in need of most help. They need closure on the matter. It may involve counseling or some other intervention, but they need attention.

Those who turned a blind eye to it all need intervention as well -- to realize that allowing something like this to happen is morally indecent.

Good luck, and again, I'm sorry that you had to go through this.
 ~Kyn~
Joined: 8/24/2009
Msg: 14
A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/16/2009 4:49:05 PM
has NEVER apologized to my grandmother, to my mother, and CERTAINLY not to me.

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you arent just angry at this man...
... but at everyone in your family... most likely the women... who's not had the strength to stand up to this man and prefers to sweep things under the rug.
VVV

I just got off the phone with my mother. You know what she said?????

"You should really learn to let the past go. Things that happened in your past have absolutely nothing to do with the present." Are you SERIOUS>!>?

My uncle sexually harassed me from basically the time I grew to a woman.
The ONLY time that man ever left me alone was during the time of my marriage.
I avoided him as much as I possibly could.

My biggest problem apparently was that I told what he did. Hmm...

Atleast it also gave one of his other nieces strength to voice what he'd done.

But that still doesnt make any difference to his dumbass wife that to this day refuses to believe even in the face of her own black eyes... what her husband is.
I despise her as much as him. And I can say it.

The thing that struck me most unreal about the circumstances has been... SHE is not the victim here... atleast *if* that was the case... I could garner her *some* sympathy... but she's NOT.... she's a full and willing accomplice to her husbands behavior and JUST as disgusting.
That was my biggest shock.
That she... is just like ...he.

And in most of these situations... Ive come to believe ... they all are.

The only people I hate more than men that do this kinda thing... are the women who cover these men's asses.

I think you've got a couple of options... counselling as suggested... but I dont think its because of him to be honest... its the fact that for the rest of your life you have to be in contact with the rest of the people who've enabled the perpetrator and the emotions are going to be ongoing. They wont change. Only you can
Even your beloved Grandmother to some degree... and maybe you could talk to her about that?

Otherwise... unless you want this to eat you like a cancer for the rest of your life...to cut these people out. Can you do that?

They're unlikely to attend group therapy for the lot of you to come to some type of closure on the subject.

How come his dying makes you angry? I get why you are angry for what he has done, but I'm curious how it works for you, that knowing he is dying now evokes anger. Is it because the chance to see him pay for his crimes goes with him, or why? What are you angry about that relates specifically to the event of his dying?

I think its because knowing that even in the face of death... this man will never confess nor show remorse for the things he did.
He is a void.

And quite possibly its a little projection... angry at herself... for realizing she may be different to her mother by being more vocal about it...
... but she's also exactly the same.

And thats just as scary... to still feel so weak and abused when you are no longer an "active" victim

Its hard to fight a battle OP when what should be your army... are still cowering behind with their head in the sand.

the man who stole her ability to parent me when I was growing up and HER mother's ability to parent HER when she was growing up

And he's going to do the same thing to you... and not even be alive to do it.

I can only hope that when he dies today, that the abusive spirit he passed on to so many generations will die with him.

Let that be the case. Dont let him in death dictate the pattern of your life and future generations.

Think real hard about what you gotta do for that not to happen.
Do what needs to be done. To finish it.

Personally I wouldnt go see him. He knows what he's done.

And if he's the sadistic type... I wouldnt give him the satisfaction of any type of pleasure in his pain. Let the f*cker turn to dust.

Only thing Id wanna say to him is thankyou for teaching me the difference between a good... and a bad man.
 abby156
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 15
A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/16/2009 5:09:06 PM
The awful family secrets! My mothers' brother tried to sexually attack me when I was 15 years old. I managed to get away from him and told my mother. She coached me NOT to tell my Dad. I understood why. Dad would have killed my uncle and likely spent his life in prison. My uncle is an old man now and very ill. Alcohol and its demons have destroyed his health and mind. I forgive my uncle but I want to play no part in his grief fest.
 StillUnraveling
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 16
A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/17/2009 4:30:27 AM
The man is dying. You are alive. You can do something about the past ... how you choose to let it rule your future or not. There are some things in my past I will never get over - I won't even forgive ... but I don't let it rule my future. You have every right to own your anger - where is it getting you? The man was obviously sick. No one did anything - are you going to be mad at them too? You don't need to be at the funeral - hey, go to Sephora that day and get a makeup makeover. You deserve it! Its a waste of time telling him anything - he never got it and now won't. What if he has a heart attack in this conversation - you'll forever be blamed for killing him.
 89*4L
Joined: 8/7/2009
Msg: 17
A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/17/2009 8:45:48 AM
I don't know you. After reading this, I would not want to.
 Annonimiss
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 18
A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/17/2009 10:56:00 AM
I sure wouldn't be one to judge you for what you feel or say about this man.

It's funny how when people are close to death - or die - they are "remembered" as such wonderful people ... and all their bad/evil deeds are "swept under the carpet".

The lady who suggested you write him a letter and read it at his gravesite, has a good idea there ... it will get things off your chest, but does not leave you open to more hurt by trying to talk to him.

In my way of thinking, it is not a bad thing when monsters die. (sorry if that's a bit harsh).
 etourdi77
Joined: 7/7/2009
Msg: 19
A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/17/2009 11:07:37 AM
No one said letting go of the past is easy, but how does it improve your life by hanging on to all the hate and negative feelings?
 monalee1
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 20
A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/17/2009 3:05:36 PM
hi... so sorry OP...... we are a product of our environment, he was of his.. we only walk in our own shoes so we can not judge nor can we be judged by any human.. forgiveness is about knowing that people are weak or ill or tormented .. remembering our own wrongs puts us on the same playing field, that of needing/wanting forgiveness... I tell my teen, sincerely forgive them and if they are not sincerely seeking forgiveness from God then they will burn in hell, there is something to say about free will.... pray for your enemies to have a change of heart and then leave it all with Our Fair, Merciful, Loving Judge... blessings
 SgrsShak
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 21
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A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/17/2009 9:49:16 PM
Such good advice, monalee~
OP~ I don't think it matters what you do as far as calling, reading, "dancing on his grave"<< { That's pretty extreme!}
But we are all human and God knows that.
So I suggest you 'be still, listen, and pray' before you do anything (more than once, perhaps) ~ that your God brings you peace in this and directs you in calming your feelings as it is not easy to " put them aside"~
As for your family,I know of those who have literally up and moved far enough away where there's enough space & distance to deal with their family without having to verbally 'agree, disagree or even watch how they continue thier life.
It's a trying time for you~ I wish you well
LMB
 LOVESTRUCK_wannabe
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 22
A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/18/2009 6:00:59 AM
I think you should be more practical and self-preserving about this. In a hospital environment where someone is in critical care and dying, there is usually a high nurse to patient ratio.

There is also a security department that can be notified within seconds and - if it's a full service hospitial - a psychiatric department somewhere else within the building.

I don't know about your state but all it takes is a doctor's concern about your state of mental health once you're in their building (i.e. the hospital) to have you held for observation here in Canada.

I doubt that no matter how justified your feelings are that these would be well received by the people who have a duty to uphold certain standards of patient care -- especially in the last hours of a patient's life.

And although I agree with you sentiments and the suggestions to dance on his grave etc., I don't see how your best interests would be served by visiting him at all.
 Earthpuppy
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 23
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A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 10/18/2009 6:12:40 AM
GreatExpectations..
We had such evil in our family in the form of a step-father. The victims carried it on their own for decades without telling anyone. Once we did find out, we were faced with jail time for our desire in dealing appropriate justice to him, or restraint and pain, knowing he would get his in due time. His son was a state Senator who vehemently opposed efforts to remove the statute of limitations on child rape.

One victim died young of substance and alcoholism. The other survivor, near and dear to me, grew stronger than any woman I have ever known and has maintained her humor and positive attitude toward life and relationships.

Perhaps practicing the forgiveness exercise frequently will help in this transition. Forgive others, allow others to forgive you, and most importantly, allow you to forgive yourself.
He sounded little affected by guilt when he was walking the earth and your hatred and self inflicted guilt and pain will not affect him at all in his new hotter climate. It now only affects you and you can change that. My healer long ago ingrained in me that Judgment is the most devastating emotion to one's personal health. Forgiveness is the most positive emotion in healing oneself.

The **stard was still driving school bus and managing an apartment complex years after we got him out of our family. Despite my helplessness in not being able to kill him for his offense, I did call him frequently and warn him that we were watching him, that if he ever messed with a kid again we would catch him, and that he needed to watch his back. He died one night alone, drunk while walking home and slipped on the ice, slamming his brain into hell. I like to think that he heard a noise, turned quickly and his past caused him to fall.

When I return to the home town and pay respects to ancestors at the graveyard, I do make it a point to stop by him and piss on his grave.

Best wishes in your healing.
 qleap1
Joined: 8/19/2009
Msg: 24
A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 12/27/2009 6:09:29 PM
Hi,
I agree with a lot of the posts on here that it would only be an emotional, infuriating experience to try to make any sense to this man now (whoops, I should have looked to see how long ago this post was). You wouldn't gain anything from that except more pain for yourself. I liked the suggestion to write a letter to him and read it over his grave, and then bury it. You, and it sounds like several others, have deep wounds still trying to heal because of this man. You may also look into EMDR therapy. You can find out more about it on-line, and possibly even talk to a therapist in person to explain it's benefits. It's usually not an ongoing therapy, but it helps to process traumatic events from the pasts which can effect lives way into the future.

As far as he's concerned... there's probably a special place in hell for him. He will be dealt with. That probably sounds hateful, but he did it. You didn't. I hope you find peace. You deserve it.
 SAguy_06
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 25
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A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him.
Posted: 12/28/2009 5:35:30 AM
OP the only good thing to come out of this is that you are in control of the situation right now...we all know that he will pass sonn. You dont owe anyone anything. Not your Family, Mother, or uncle.

You choose the path that makes sense to you...and dont worry about the others.

you survived his terror, you will survive his passing...
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