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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof      Home login  
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 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 7
seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pofPage 1 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
I'm with the other posters - he's clearly doing what so many of them do on here. They're always shopping for the "BBD" or Bigger, Better Deal, even after they're supposedly in a relationship. I see this quite a bit on the forums and it doesn't even surprise me anymore.

It's quite clear he's still on here because - God forbid - he misses that bigger, better deal while he's supposedly committed to you.

You really need to observe a person's ACTIONS, not their words. And his actions are speaking so damned loud that you can't even hear his words.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 11
seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 7:28:15 AM
He told you everything you needed to know when he said he went on POF to check his new matches. You already gave him a couple of chances to cover any oversights.
 startle
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 12
seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 7:31:31 AM
you want a serious relationship with this man..you are using the profile on pof as a sign of sincerity...it could be...but so are a lot of other things..he can say he cares but how do you know for sure...the truth is you never know..such is life...if you cannot live with uncertainty you will never be happy...trust has to be earned..there is nothing but time and experiences to help you feel sure he is for real...in the mean time enjoy his company...remember you can leave whenever you want ...and there are many options for you...
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 15
seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 7:45:24 AM
~OP~ The last relationship I was in was with a fellow POFer. He deleted his profile very early on, but I left mine. I, did, however, change it to "not single/not looking", posted pictures of me and him together in my profile and clearly put that I was here for forums ONLY. I also gave him my password, because there was nothing in here he could not see/read had he opted to do so. Most of the time I was here, he was sitting right there with me and I don't think he ever used the password. My point? There are ways to be here and be in a relationship, but the way your scenerio seems to be going isn't probably the best way to do it. (At least in my opinion.) If he truly wanted to hide his profile, you could have explained how on the phone or he could have simply used the POF help screens. I think I'd be concerned about his sincerity. (And why on earth look at current matches??? That rings of still looking to me.) Good luck to you. JMO
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 19
seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 8:27:30 AM
I'm in a relationship with a man on here and we BOTH have 'Not Single/Not Looking' on our profiles as well as stating that we have found the person we want to be with. We also have reciprocal testimonials on our profiles stating that we are in a relationship. We both post to and read the forums so we want to stay as members. I've hidden my profile strictly due to the fact that I kept getting emails from men who wanted to meet, even though I'm in a relationship and specifically state I am NOT interested in meeting anyone else. Women seem to respect the fact that a person is in a relationship better than men do, or they reading comprehension is better.

If the man you are dating is serious about seeing where your relationship will lead, why would he care about his new matches? They would be meaningless to him. When I receive email notice about new matches, I just delete it. I couldn't care less who is there. I have found the man I want.

Stating he cannot figure out how to hide his profile or change his status is rather lame. He managed to figure out how to put up a profile. I'd think he could manage to figure out how to change one. Besides, there is nothing to keep him from opening a new profile under a different user name.

You need to have a serious face-to-face discussion with him as to what he wants and what he is looking for and if he is willing to be exclusive, in all areas. I'm afraid I have to agree with some of the other posters that he may well be looking to see if something better comes along.

And btw, Rock Man, this isn't a man bashing post. I would say the same thing if the genders were reversed. If one of the people continues looking after already agreeing to exclusivity, then that person is NOT being honest and sincere. Gender has nothing to do with it.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 21
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seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 8:33:56 AM
He's keeping his options open for some reason. You've only been seeing each other for 2 months. You don't even know who he is.. what's he doing the other 4 days of the week when he's not with you? Have you even had a talk about being exclusive with each other? Or, are you assuming that just because you are being that way, that he is too?

He said he just went on to check his new matches
Yea .. just like when a guy buys a new Playboy, he's just doing it to read the articles. O_o ..

 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 23
seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 9:02:37 AM
Welcome to the modern man!
I have encountered this EVERY time from men on PoF and off it, over 35--"I really like you, but I can't invest in you emotionally."

Basically, they DO really like you, but the emotional aspect is just too much for them to bear. They want to take the easy path and just play around forever and ever. And then they whine to me about how they don't feel connected. ARGH
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 24
seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 9:05:09 AM
We talked a month ago about taking our profiles off and it was agreed upon that we would both hide our profiles. I did, he didn't.


Red flag #1



At first, he said that he was concerned about the distance thing and then he said he didn't know how to hide his profile.


Red flag #2 (and BS on not knowing how to hide his profile. He could have very well asked you if he was not hiding something.)



So, I left it alone.


You allowed his behavior to "slide", and ignored the obvious. He does not want to hide/delete his profile, and is skeptical about a LDR.



Then this week I mentioned it to him again about what he was doing with his profile. He said he just went on to check his new matches.


Red flag #3


He is telling me that he cares for me and wants to be exclusive but then why is he stilling checking other woman out?


Why? Because he wants to, and is still keeping his options open. You may just be the "in the mean time" woman.



He now is telling me that when he sees me next, he wants me to show him how to hide his profile.


Did he have a "change of heart" because you now have your profile active? And to try to convince you he's a "good boy"?



I also know that he has been in contact with other woman through pof and has given them his personal email address.


This is evident as he is still shopping.



He says that he finds some of the profiles funny and likes to comment on them.


Oh nice....so he "needs" humor in his life and that is why he's still actively pursuing other women. Uh huh.......right.




Am I being really niave or should I trust him?


You're being naive, and want to believe him. His actions are speaking volumes.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 26
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seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 9:15:46 AM

He is telling me that he cares for me and wants to be exclusive
Yes, He obvious cares in some way or, for some reason or he'd be outta there by now.

but then why is he stilling checking other woman out?
because he's still looking for someone to be exclusive with. Apparently it's not you.. or, at least he isn't at that stage to be with you just yet.

That's what it looks like from what you've articulated in your Opost. Talk to him and if he hedges, or deflects or doesn't do something to show you that you have no need to worry.. then it's on you after that if you stay with him.. There's certainly enough red flags to at least pay heed.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 28
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seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 9:31:59 AM

Insecure people suck
Yes they do. But being made to feel insecure sucks even more.

.................. ................... ..................... ................. ........ Trying to make other's look like they're insecure when this man's actions warrant her feelings of insecurity sucks even more yet.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 32
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seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 9:43:10 AM
Hmm, my sweetie and I dated for a while before I changed my profile to "not single/not looking". I dragged my heels on it and didn't change it up until we were well into being both exclusive and committed. It wasn't about looking for someone else, it was about not declaring a status until I was really sure it reflected how I felt. (I wonder if that is at all a factor in your fellow's situation?)

I don't know whether my sweetie bothers looking at the matches page, (I doubt it as it is such a crock) but I know he still checks out the 'viewed me' page. Heck, if he hasn't changed it up recently, I think he even talks about checking out the viewed me page on his profile. He gets a kick out of it; I'm not bothered by it. Truth be told, I actually enjoy his little thrill over getting looked at/mail. I don't do either, (check out matches or viewed me pages) but I don't get a kick out of it, so why would I.

All of this stuff doesn't bother us as we trust each other and have a philosophy of "if someone is going to cheat, they will". Heck, maybe we both have incredibly huge egos and figure there isn't someone better than us out there. Regardless of however one wanted to add it up, the reality for us is we're ok with each other's activity here and don't feel threatened by it in the least. We are on the same page and I think that is key. If one of us was bothered about something the other was doing, we'd change it in a heartbeat.

The issue for you is looking for confirmation that you are on the same page and that you are both heading in the same direction. His actions haven't matched his words, which is cause for alarm. Then again, many of his actions you wouldn't know about if he hadn't been forthcoming about them, which certainly suggests he is being open with you. If it is about him being technically challenged, go ahead and help him hide his profile. See if the words on his profile relate your relationship status fairly. Consider exchanging passwords (my sweetie and I haven't felt the need to, but it works for other people). Other than that, talk to him about what he wants and where this is going.

Personally, I don't see much of a reason to continue to hang out here unless one is a forum addict.

edit to add: It's important to note we are transparent about our activity - that means we hold to our agreements and don't make the other person feel insecure. That is VERY important and isn't something you are currently getting in your relationship.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 33
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seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 9:48:44 AM
^^^ your situation and your security is a much different scenerio then what Op paints in her Opost.. You and your sweety have declared your relationship to the POF world which, of course, makes you secure in his intentions and you don't worry about his profile being active. I'd imagine if Op's b/f did the same thing, she wouldn't have started the thread.

I do agree that at knowing each other for only two months.. the dude isn't quite ready to proclaim his status to the world.. Perhaps it's just a matter of time. Some reassurance (and honesty) from him would most likely ease her mind. JMO.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 34
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seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 10:02:01 AM
Excellent points Wishes. Where our situation mirrors the OP is that it was months down the road before I changed my profile or mentioned him in the forums. There were several months where we were dating but not technically exclusive or committed yet (at my insistence) and our profiles didn't indicate we had met someone. He had to/chose to wait me out until my private conviction was such that I was ready to publicly proclaim my love.

What would freak me out about the OP's situation is he agreed to hide his profile and didn't.

To Rock and BDJ: that broken agreement is enough that the OP's insecurity is justified IMO.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 36
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seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 10:33:01 AM
You are taking seriously something that he's poking at you in fun. He's not as interested in you as you are in him. He won't be controlled. I don't know, but the fact is, you aren't getting from him what you want, so instead of trying to nag/force/make him into what you want, either accept that he's not exclusive with you and date him anyway or stop seeing him.
 Sunsation1
Joined: 7/8/2009
Msg: 37
seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 10:37:37 AM
I agree with most of what was said on here...this guy is a flake and you need to kick him to the curb.

And Miss... you are a bad girl!! hahahahahaha but it would be an effective way to "Find out his true intentions" ..

My best advise is to just kick him to the curb, any man that would stay with you 3 days a week and still search online is looking for something else..
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 42
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seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 11:03:20 AM
I've been around and around with female friends of mine about this (and the debate became quite heated)...and it's what I think is one of the problems with the online dating. You sign on - to see if he's signed on...you see he was and carry on...he says - what were you doing there...so now he's looking to see if you are online, and you are looking to see if he's online and blah blah blah...it is B.S., especially is someone is active on the forums. I have NEVER asked someone I'm seeing if they hid their profile, or on other sites cancelled their membership. I don't care. I've got enough confidence in myself, and in my judgement in seeing whether or not someone is truly interested in me.

Does it ever occur to anyone who is on these sites and looking at "log-ons" that maybe, just maybe a man (or woman) could pick up the cashier at the 7-11? Or someone at work, or at a bar???

Here's the thing OP - if it was important to you, and you both agreed to hide the profiles, then the issue isn't that he's online here or what he's doing - it's that he agreed to hide the profile and did not.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 43
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seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 11:10:47 AM
Sure. You can trust him just as much as any other guy who chooses to 1) Be intimate with you, 2) Agree to a level of exclusivity, and then 3) Not only continue to look at the menu, but actively engage some of the entrees.

You're not being naive; you're being willfully blind.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 45
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seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 11:15:11 AM

Yup sure enough she made me feel really insecure... Then she had the nerve when confronted to tell me that it was In Case of Emergency, and it was our daughters number...

It was my mind not her actions!
She was your girlfriend, you had a daughter together and you didn't even know your own daughter's telephone number? Huh? You're trying to prove that one's mind can runaway with itself.. I get that.

Op's b/f has lied to her, told her he would delete then didn't. He's viewing his 'matches.' they have his personal email addy.. Very different story from your run-away-train.

At the very least .. he's being disingenuous.. which is a good reason to feel insecure When someone's actions aren't matching their words, it's time to step-back and take note. It has more to do with protecting self that it does with being insecure in general.
 BlueEyes1712
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 49
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seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 12:59:12 PM
When he told you the first time he didnt know how to hide his profile you should of showed him. Let him know if he wants to be exclusive you both would hide your profiles otherwise, let him live at home or have him pay a portion of your household expenses since hes living there almost half the week. How would it look if you had a date and wanted to bring home a diffeernt man from POF if you both have profiles not hidden.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 53
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seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 4:12:23 PM

he gave me his password without thinking and me being me, I checked his profile. I also told him that I had done that. So, then he started erasing the inbox and outbox thinking that I wouldn't see what he was doing. He didn't realize that there is a place to look back on all the history. So he then changed his password.

umm, so what was your question again?
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 54
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seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 4:46:28 PM
That's ok Savona, I get distracted by the moose balls too, lol.

Still, I wonder, if the OP had tracked his messages on POF, why would she be wondering if she could trust him or not?
They'd be fairly self-evident I would imagine.

So, why the question?
 E_keys
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 58
seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 9:45:12 PM
And one more thing OP, this guy is not bringing out the best in you any more. You didn't want to be sneaking around checking on his messages and painting him into corners. You wanted to be happy, happy! to see him when he walked in your door. That went away - he didn't want what you did - a compromise wasn't going to satisfy either of you.

Go look for someone who brings out the best in you.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 59
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seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 9:59:54 PM
He is checking out his new matches, looking for something better. Drop his a$$. I wouldnt even give him an explanation. Block.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 61
seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 11:08:16 PM
2 months is still too early to consider it serious, I think.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 63
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seeing guy for 2 months and he still on pof
Posted: 10/23/2009 11:34:41 PM
a chris79, It isnt about him.
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