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 Jo van
Joined: 5/23/2009
Msg: 1
Flirting with Married peoplePage 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
I have always flirted with married ladies, and I wondered why this is,
particularly as I am rubbish at flirting with single ladies.
I think it may be their unavailability ... - the fact that they are 'safe', that nothing can happen, seems to relax me into outrageous flirting. I also feel that married women do seem to flirt, or maybe I just pick it up and respond, purely because I know it's not serious.
When there is actually a chance of something happening, I have been mocked by friends for failing to either notice, or take the hint, someone once said that if a woman took all her clothes off and lay down, I would miss it.
And I was definitely flirted with more when I was married, but of course I was also younger....
Do you think that married people flirt more?
Am I alone in feeling that I flirt 'better' /more when there is no danger of 'fulfillment'?
Did you flirt more when you were married/attached?

Have you noticed this happening too? What do you think the reasons may be?
 Jo van
Joined: 5/23/2009
Msg: 2
Flirting with Married people
Posted: 10/27/2009 3:49:35 PM

Oddly enough it's the opposite for me, when I find out someone is married it's like a bucket of cold water over the head time.


I meant more with wives of friends for example, when you know for certain that they're attached, so it's just harmless fun.....
Don't your friends' husbands ever compliment you in front of their wives? Or say stuff like "well if I was single....."?
 Jo van
Joined: 5/23/2009
Msg: 3
Flirting with Married people
Posted: 10/27/2009 4:02:54 PM

Yes Yes Yes and Yes and Yes again.

Better now?

I used to be a class A flirter when I was married safe in my security that I knew it couldn't go further. However I wrongly assumed that once single I could carry on outrageously flirting only to discover no one is really interested in flirting with a single woman! Wheres the justice in that?

There is no justice!
But exactly what I'm finding, but as I said, there's also been the passage of time.....



And somehow I know when it strays into a 'danger zone' too. If it becomes even slightly likely that they think there's more to it, or a chance that something further may occur, I just switch it off. Automatically. Without even being aware that I've made the decision.


Exactly, and because it's always done in the 'open' there's seldom even a chance of 'danger zones' so it's just a game.
But "real life" flirting has pressure attached, so perhaps it's just more difficult?
People are very complex....
 Jo van
Joined: 5/23/2009
Msg: 4
Flirting with Married people
Posted: 10/27/2009 4:27:16 PM

I am single and I dress and behave single and when I came to their house, poor overworked wives with stains on their clothing and wishing to get some sleep and the husband comments on my looks.. I wish to punch them and tell them their wives would look the same if they HELP THEM OUT WITH THE HOUSEWORK and stuff . Disgusting !

I'm not even going to ask what the stains were...
Well he sounds like a really nice guy!
Why's she still with him?
I wouldn't flirt with someone unless they were happy in their relationship,
eg. if they start flirting when they've had a row, it's best to leave!
If someone starts flirting in those circumstances, it's not for fun, there is some other motive, to invoke jealousy, or just to hurt the other person, that's not the sort of flirting I was thinking of.
No offense, but your friend's husband sounds like a ****!
 Jo van
Joined: 5/23/2009
Msg: 5
Flirting with Married people
Posted: 10/27/2009 5:39:57 PM

I dont understand...why flirt with somebody that is happy in their relationship?? Its a contradiction...and totally pointless.

The pointlessness was part of the reason I feel I was able to flirt really, the pointlessness was the er point.


Personally I wouldnt want to upset any of my friends by flirting with their husbands...and if he flirted with me I would cut it dead immediately...cos who do you think the wife would turn on....???

As I said earlier, there is nothing dark in this flirting, just the opposite.
And if there was any 'friction', of any sort, I certainly wouldn't do it! -That would be asking for trouble! (Obviously using the word 'friction' in a purely metaphorical way!)


It doesn't upset any of my friends if I flirt with their partners - it isn't something which is hidden from them at all, it's like the OP said.... just fun. Harmless because both parties (and any partners) know that it is unthreatening and completely without malice or intention of anything further developing from it.


Exactly!
And it is only ever done in friendliness, and only ever when their relationship isn't ever threatened in any way. ever
It's not 'moving in' 'cos you think you're 'in with a chance'!!
it's not serious, in fact that's what I was trying to establish, why it's so much easier to do than to flirt 'seriously'??
 Jo van
Joined: 5/23/2009
Msg: 6
Flirting with Married people
Posted: 10/28/2009 3:36:46 AM
O-kaaaay.


I only went to bed, and it seems that what I started as a light-hearted thread, talking about a light-hearted subject, is far more serious to some people, and I respect that,
-we are all different.
The kind of flirting I was talking about, never takes place in private, only ever in public.
Flirting with a colleague in the stationary cupboard, to me isn't flirting, it's making a move.
The intention of the flirting I'm talking about is never serious, and never to lead 'to the next level'.
If I flirt with the lady on the till at sainsbury's, I don't want her number!
I wasn't talking about initiating the flirting with married women, in some 'targeted' way, flirting with friends is done for different reasons, but is a kind of mutual/reciprocal thing.
And definitely non-sexual! I always think they are being kind, and just do it to boost the confidence of another friend. Their husbands are not looking daggers at me while this is going on, they are laughing and saying "fill yer boots mate! you're in" but I suppose we all mix in different circles!
If I tell a friend's wife she looks gorgeous tonight, it's because they do!
Thankfully, none of my friends have been so paranoid or insecure that they are stabbing me in the back while I'm saying it!
Similarly if I give a friend a hug and kiss on the cheek (Upper!), it's not because I'm hoping to bed her! And from the comments here, I am glad that none of my friends has seen it as a threat, or reacted aggressively! The women I know would not be with a man who was so insecure.
The thread's gone in a slightly different direction to what I thought, as I was trying to find out why it's much harder to "flirt with intent", than it is to flirt in a meaningless way with friends.
But I can understand what's been said, I just never thought about it that deeply before.
Blimey....
 Jo van
Joined: 5/23/2009
Msg: 7
Flirting with Married people
Posted: 10/28/2009 5:02:32 AM

i think there is something wrong with people who can't be around or engage with opposite sex and just have a normal conversation without flirting ... they're lacking something ... social skills perhaps ... or maybe they just don't have anything interesting to say ...


Bit of a leap there KL!!
I'd also feel sorry for someone like that!
Fortunately I am able to be around women without flirting, and if you'd read the whole thread properly in fact you'll see I was saying how difficult I found it to flirt with women in a broader setting.
Very much the opposite of " people who can't be around or engage with opposite sex and just have a normal conversation without flirting
But like I said, we're all different.
 badge73
Joined: 1/17/2009
Msg: 8
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Flirting with Married people
Posted: 10/28/2009 5:40:44 PM
bit weird what ive got to say on the subject because i know a girl in a relationship and do have feelings towards her, could i say about them to her, i would say no, and why? thats easy if she left her partner for me i could never trust her. after all if she left one partner whats to say she wouldnt do it with me? im i flirting with her? i would say no as to my feelings towards her are quite strong, but admit to flirting with other bints to get a discount or cheap pint lol but i know its hypercritical on my behalf and sooner or later il reap what il sow. or is that to deep?
 Jo van
Joined: 5/23/2009
Msg: 9
Flirting with Married people
Posted: 10/29/2009 5:43:18 AM
Aha!
Sj you're one of the first to actually address my own ponderings!
And I think you are absolutely right! It is about trust, and also knowing one's own intentions, as I .... er......thought I'd already said?......
How long was I asleep?............
My real life flirting attempts usually turn out like "Ross's" on "Friends", when he told the pizza delivery girl, that they "actually add the smell to gas, for safety reasons"....it usually goes wrong! But with friends I am confident and relaxed, and it never seems like I have to put any effort into it, it just flows.
I never realised it was such a touchy subject before though, so it has been interesting, and thought provoking to hear other viewpoints, and I shall certainly be thinking about it now!
And I will do my own 'straw poll', but I suspect my friends will say a similar thing to your's, but I might be surprised!
It will feel strange to bring it up though, and because I think about things far too much, I am now worrying that if I ask them, they may think that I'm more serious about it than I really am.... If you know what I mean
On the other hand if I don't.........
 zerotasker
Joined: 7/27/2009
Msg: 10
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Flirting with Married people
Posted: 10/29/2009 8:58:05 AM
Flirting, it appears from the opinions expressed so far, can be good or bad, depending on how it is perceived as opposed to how it is intended.

If done with humour in the right context, I think it can be a rather pleasant form of communication (I was going to say "social intercourse" but thought better of it!).

In the past, flirting was seen as a social art in the royal courts of Europe. How times have changed! What a pity. In our fast-changing society perhaps some things have fallen by the wayside.
 Jo van
Joined: 5/23/2009
Msg: 11
Flirting with Married people
Posted: 10/29/2009 2:30:47 PM
Well like I said, I thought it was harmless amongst close friends, but there have been many eye-opening examples, and I understand that it can be a serious and traumatic subject.
And it was never my intention to be flippant, or to trivialise it.

I have been thinking about it, and yes, my friends did flirt with my ex,
and no I was never bothered. Not even when there was groping involved! As long as she was laughing and not angry, which she wasn't.
I was with her for 27 years, and we never married.
My rationale was that people should stay together because they want to,
and not because of some contract, or legal obligation. Just my opinion, and I am weird.
When friends flirted with my wife, I always felt quite secure,
and I always made it clear that she was free to leave at any time, which she was,
and 27 years later she did!
But on occasion strangers also flirted with her, and I would also laugh at that, and if I saw her pointing me out to someone as she explained, I would give them a wave and a smile, sometimes they would come and apologize, but there was never any confrontation.
But I may just have been lucky, and I can now see that there are circumstances where it's unacceptable, and unwanted. Fortunately that never happened to me.

I'm still unsure about when flattery becomes 'flirting' though,
In a way it could be seen as 'verbal flirting', and I shall think about it.
 Jo van
Joined: 5/23/2009
Msg: 12
Flirting with Married people
Posted: 10/30/2009 6:53:22 AM
the fact still remains that you do not know what other people think or what the partners of the people you flirt with think ..... most people will avoid making a scene or having a confrontation but it may be a different matter behind closed doors ... you may not even get an honest response if you ask them directly ...

Fair point, and I have already digested it.
Not that it really matters, and the fault is entirely mine, for not explaining properly,
but most of the flirting I was referring to in the OP took place while I was still 'married', (or in a LTR if you want to be pedantic.)
So I wasn't the 'single bloke annoying his married friends', we all flirted with each other, it was all fun.
I seldom see my married friends now, and when I do there's not much flirting, - well it wouldn't be fair, as they can't reciprocate with my partner.
So I'm not really the:


annoying guy who thinks he's really funny and charming, wink wink ... "alright darlin"

This is the guy I have wished I could be more like, but as I said before ( it's probably gone?) I don't usually instigate the flirting with friend's wives, but am confident enough to join in.
The point of the OP was that I have done virtually no flirting in the last 7 years, and I haven't been with, or been looking for a woman, so we're not all desperate and sex-crazed. This was my choice.
Not counting birthday meals, you can count the number of times I've been out in a social setting on one hand. That's less than one a year, for the last 7 years. again my choice.

Having made the decision to 'start looking' this year, I found the prospect of having to flirt for real, terrifying.
So to see myself portrayed as 'jack-the-lad was quite amusing, again probably my wording that led people to that conclusion
Happy Endings?
I spent 5 hours on the phone to a gorgeous lady yesterday!!
so I may never need to master the art, timing and acceptability of singleton flirting.
And it wasn't at all necessary, in our conversations, but we still got on fantastically!
So I am hoping that my flirting days are behind me, as it seems to be a 'minefield'!
Fingers crossed
This will make three people I've spoken to in 5 months.
If I get to meet her, she will be the only 'date' I've had so far,
and the last 'date' I had was in 1975!
So I'm really more 'Jack the recluse', (Jack-the-Lad's older brother)

 Lorri55
Joined: 10/5/2007
Msg: 13
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Flirting with Married people
Posted: 11/13/2009 3:21:00 PM
There is no point........too short, too attached, too complicated, too much hassle
 Lorri55
Joined: 10/5/2007
Msg: 14
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Flirting with Married people
Posted: 5/12/2011 3:20:24 PM
I was once married to a flirt.......am now happily divorced from him and watching his second wife go through the exact same torture that I did
Short and not so sweet !
 NicolaSeven
Joined: 5/21/2009
Msg: 15
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Flirting with Married people
Posted: 5/13/2011 7:18:08 AM
Mostly, I dont think there's any problem with flirting with anybody..

It all depends on intent.

As for me, when I flirt with ANYONE, it is definitely not with an intention to seduce or be seduced. If I flirt with anyone, married or not, I am having a laugh, banter, fun, etc. If I do intend to seduce it doesnt usually quite go to plan.

Surely it goes without saying that flirting, with a married person, with an intention to seduce is wrong - not many would disagree I think but that's human nature, it happens.
 try1more
Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 16
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Posted: 5/13/2011 9:42:07 AM
"Mostly, I dont think there's any problem with flirting with anybody"

cant agree with that
some think there can only be one purpose to flirting
so it's best to be a bit careful who you flirt with
those that get offended are not a problem, it's the ones that think their ship's come in, you cant get rid of em.

so it's not just your intention, it's their interpretation that counts.
 NicolaSeven
Joined: 5/21/2009
Msg: 17
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Flirting with Married people
Posted: 5/13/2011 5:14:14 PM

cant agree with that


well, I was about to let you know that there's no way you could disagree with my 'I dont think...' stance until I read the rest of your post.

Yes, I think you're right, other people's interpretation of my flirting would possibly be considerably mis-interpreted.. but, if I KNOW I am happily flirting, that is, having a laugh, a bit of banter, mickey take, and all that.. the other party will also know that is all there is to it..

But, I really do think this 'flirting' lark is so individual to each of us that no other person can say what it right or wrong for anyone else. If we all, in our hearts and minds, know we mean no other wrong, then having a laugh with someone of the opposite sex, just for the feel-goodness of it, shouldnt have a detrimental effect anywhere.. well, that's what I think..

and I'll carry on with my pseudo flirtyness.. :D
 try1more
Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 19
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Posted: 5/15/2011 9:34:13 PM
gary wanted an example.
well my sister-in-law and i used to flirt a lot but it's not easy to recall such things as it's a dynamic thing.
but one i recall was when she phoned one morning, i picked up the phone, she said hi! i said oh! it's you! what do you want? she replied well actually i'm after my sister! i said well you may be in for a long wait, she's not had her turn yet!
whenever she called in for the next few weeks she asked has she had her turn yet?
did it bother the her partner or my x? nope they both thought it was funny
but as per my previous post, there are those you just cant joke around with like that.
just as there are those that dont get it if you poke fun at yourself.
or take it dead serious if you poke fun at them.
 try1more
Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 20
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Posted: 5/18/2011 10:03:03 PM
gary you do overcomplicate things at times.
to the casual observer how could they possibly know if they are observing flirting or banter?
as they would have to know the intent, which may not be obvious.
one may be flirting the other indulging in banter, in which case the flirting would end up downgraded to banter since it would lead nowhere.

a dictionary is a record of how words are currently used.
if you got dictionaries from different decades you would find different meanings for many of the same words, one of the most obvious being gay.
it had no sexual connotations when i was growing up.

it's one of the problems that face those translating/transcribing old txts, they have to be aware of the changes in use of words, or they would get it all wrong.

you can play at being king canute if you want, but going by many posts on this thread the two are being used interchangably, if thats any indication of the world at large, expect to see it recorded in a future dictionary.
 stonecastle
Joined: 2/14/2007
Msg: 21
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Posted: 5/19/2011 2:37:30 AM
Many people today have open marriages that is why there are swingers clubs for example.
 Marmite baby
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 22
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Posted: 5/30/2011 9:18:28 AM
I would only flirt wih married men if I thought their relationship with wife was secure. I now wouldn't touch them . I'm a woman's woman, and don't want to be a suspect when said dogs cheat.
 Marmite baby
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 23
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Posted: 5/30/2011 9:23:56 AM
Key thing is that they flirted to start with. Ie poss several women on the side
 stonecastle
Joined: 2/14/2007
Msg: 24
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Posted: 5/30/2011 10:51:11 AM
Many couples these days have open relationships. So in that case it is OK to flirt with married people if they are in an open relationship.
 Forrest Grump
Joined: 6/2/2007
Msg: 25
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Posted: 6/7/2011 2:28:46 PM
OP


I have always flirted with married ladies, and I wondered why this is,


I think you have answered that question in the next sentence -

"I think it may be their unavailability ... - the fact that they are 'safe', that nothing can happen."


Do you think that married people flirt more?


I’ll carry out a survey and get back to you.


Did you flirt more when you were attached?


I don’t think it made a difference.

These comments typify what flirting is all about.

OBird Msg 6 & 16

I flirt outrageously with lots of my married friends.
Like you, OP, I know that there's nothing in it, that it's all in fun only, and that all it does is make us laugh.

Harmless because both parties (and any partners) know that it is unthreatening and completely without malice or intention of anything further developing from it.


Hunnibelle Msg 30

Edit... there is a world of difference between flirting and someone coming onto you. It’s a totally different situation.



Flirting is trying to attract someone sexually but without serious intentions.

If your intentions are serious, it is NOT flirting, nor can it be described as such.

Simples.
 Forrest Grump
Joined: 6/2/2007
Msg: 26
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Posted: 6/8/2011 12:11:09 PM
Zeegary Msg 152


So if they responded in a positive fashion (ie they wished to take it further) the one doing the flirting would rebuff them?


Er….yes, because the one doing the flirting has no serious intentions (of taking it further).

This is the difference between flirting and coming on to someone, or making a move on someone, or indeed, on propositioning someone.

In this case the person would have serious intentions, so the answer to your questions would probably be No.

I hope this explains the position.
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