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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > separated but still living together... to believe or not      Home login  
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 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 4
separated but still living together... to believe or notPage 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
I'd only believe it if you get confirmation first hand from the wife. If in fact they are actually separated and plan to divorce, there should be no reason they keep their dating a secret from each other (apart from the kids who don't need to deal with it).

He's ok with eventually proving it by the two of you meeting, than I'd believe him, but I still wouldn't want to get involved too much until after it was final legally.
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 9
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 12:10:31 PM
OP: I don't usually entertain separated men because they are still legally married. Until he has closed that chapter, I'm not entering his life.

Much less still living with the wife. Not happening.............
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 12
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 2:41:57 PM
Separation doesn't make someone more likely to go back to their ex, or in this case, ex-to-be than anyone else who has had a previous relationship.

There is no "minimum amount of time" needed to get over an ex.

Anyone who has just gotten out of a relationship has the same odds of going back to the person, regardless of any "legal" status.

I also once dated someone who was still living with the spouse she was separated from.

I was also separated for quite some time, though my ex and I didn't live together.


Also, I wouldn't count on asking the ex-to-be if they're really separated and divorcing. There are several possibilities:

- the guy is lying, and he's not really separated
- the guy is telling the truth, they are separated, but they are trying to work it out
- the guy is telling the truth, they are separated, and the ex-to-be confirms this because they're both trying to make things go smoothly
- the guy is telling the truth, they are separated, the ex-to-be may have a boyfriend, but she will lie to you because she's vindictive and wants to screw up her soon-to-be ex-husband's life as "punishment"

etc etc and so forth.

I mean, after all, hostile divorces never occur?

Heck, there was a time when my ex-wife (she still had the keys to the house because she still legally had part ownership until the property issue settled) would, despite having lived with her boyfriend for over a year, if she happened to be in the area, would show up if she saw an unfamiliar car in my driveway. I don't know what this says about her, but I imagine it's not anything good.

The "separated" status should mean NOTHING more than that legal issues are still being resolved. It doesn't give you ANY further information about how truthful the guy's being, how over or not-over his ex he is, and so forth, than the status of "single" would, or "divorced", or anything.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 15
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 5:37:00 PM
It's just a legal piece of paper - the relationship's over.

But then again, the separation doesn't tell you anything more t han any other status would... all the what-ifs could exist for someone who's "single' . . girlfriend on the side, multiple girlfriends on the side, etc.

Single/divorced really doesn't give you ANY more information . . not to mention that people may even be lying about THAT.

It's just trading one uncertainty for another.... but in the separated case, there seems to be a misplaced sense of self-righteousness that goes along with the "I don't do separated" kind of thing..
 joemac356
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 17
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 5:57:28 PM
^This
It's all about perspective. If the fact that someone still is legally bound by document, but they feel that it's over, to me, that's enough. Dating anyone has inherent risks. If you perceive an additional risk, it's only your perception. (Duh.)
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 24
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 8:15:06 PM
Sun_Devil_92 wrote:
I agree ... dating anyone has inherit risks. That's why it is just smart to keep the risks to a minimum. When she/he has the divorce decree, it is cutting down on the risks.


Ah, but see, what I'm trying to point out is that waiting for a divorce decree does NOT in fact cut down on the risks - it only presents the *illusion* of lesser risk.

What if he didn't want the divorce but has it? Isn't that a greater potential problem than someone who is separated, but whose ex and he BOTH want the divorce? What if a guy is just outright lying about his status? In that case, having them admit to being separated is almost a guarantee of honesty (I can't imagine a single or divorced guy lying to a potential woman he wants to date and saying he's separated, after all)

I could probably come up with at least as many scenarios for supposedly single people as for separated, but I don't think I can top the "she said she was a widow but was living with her most-definitely-not-deceased husband" posted above....

Anyhoo - I think too many people treat the "avoid the separated guy/girl" as a convenience, but it's not something that actually avoids any risk that won't exist with other potential dates.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 30
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/29/2009 10:15:59 AM
Sun_Devil_92 wrote:
(By the way, you never said who you would buy the car from ...)

Sell the car to - the scenario you outlined was for selling a car to someone. And obviously I would sell to the one with the cash in hand - the analogy isn't even remotely applicable.

Sun_Devil_92 wrote:
edit: And by the way, which of these lovely people/scenarios would you strike up a relationship:

Ok, let's say that a woman came up to you and said, "I just left my husband ... the two of us just finished having sex a half an hour ago. However, I've left him and I'm not going back - let's you and me start a relationship!" You going to start a relationship with her? (Hey, she's separated Casanova ...)

And I didn't touch on the fact that the woman could be in a loveless marriage. Does that mean you have no problems having a relationship with a married woman if she is in a loveless marriage?


I don't know - I don't have sufficient information for EITHER of those situations to say. Even after the first or second date, with ANYONE, I don't know if I want a relationship with a woman that quickly - I don't jump into it that fast.

But you're not really defining relationship, either. Would I have a sexual relationship with one or the other? Potentially both, depending on the rest of the circumstances as best I could determine it.

Would I have a long-term romantic relationship with either of them? Again, potentially both, potentially neither, depending on the rest of the circumstances as best I could determine it.

Sun_Devil_92 wrote:
Enough to where the marriage is over legally - thus the relationship is over. I can go on-line or to a courthouse and look it up to guarantee that it happened. That is one heck of a big step.

Actually, I disagree with the first statement - the RELATIONSHIP may be over LEGALLY, but it may not be over emotionally. All the paperwork in the courthouse can tell you is "This person is not married or separated" - it's a big step if you're looking at marriage in the (relatively) near term with this person, but just because the law says X, Y, and Z doesn't mean the person emotionally accepts X, Y, and Z.

You can confirm that they're divorced, though - you can also confirm (albeit indirectly) that a single person is single, since you won't be able to find a marriage record.


Sun_Devil_92 wrote:
However, the thing is that they are being honest about their status doesn't mean about everything else in their life.


True - but that is the case regardless of single, married, separated, divorced, broken-up-with girl/boyfriend, whatever.

Sun_Devil_92 wrote:
But the thing about separated people is that they can always look you in the eye and say, "Hey, it's over - I'm going back to my spouse," and you know, they're not lying and they're well within their right (and obligations) to do so since they are not divorced; they are still married. That's the key.

And this is NOT the case with a divorced person? Or someone who broke up with their boyfriend/girlfriend recently? Or someone who was playing the field and is using that as a euphemism for "I found someone hotter, so, buh bye!" etc. etc. Not being legally married is no impediment to the nearly exact same scenario happening anyway - and perusing these forums will show that it has happened again and again despite the fact that the person was NOT "separated"

(which, in and of itself, at least in the USA, is admittedly a funny legal scenario because some states have a legally defined "separated" status, and some don't)
 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 33
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/30/2009 7:33:16 AM
I can see both sides. I've been the separated one and I've been the one to hear about someone else's situation. I dont think we can assume anyone is a liar. Just be cautious and do what you can to learn more about them and their situation.
 soflnighteagle
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 34
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:48:00 PM
I think I can do you one better. I met a woman that is divorced, but still living with her ex-husband, and her ex-boyfriend. WTH is up with that.
 soflnighteagle
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 35
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:04:14 PM
I'm going to have to agree with Wiyan here, while the whole separated thing is a big question and I can see both sides of the issue that have been presented here, the guy is moving from one relationship right into another. I know from my own experience that it has taken me almost two years to get over the end of my marriage, this guy needs to be on his own for awhile. That whole living together thing seems to be to much interdependence for me, I just couldn't trust it.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 36
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:49:38 AM
It is a better idea to avoid newly separated and divorced people in general.
 redsox08
Joined: 4/27/2008
Msg: 37
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 1:09:32 PM
I see some of your interpetations of learning how to weed out the things your not looking for. I would like to share with you some things that women post that can also be deceiving as for body types:

Athletic = average

average = very chubby

few extra pounds= qualifies for gastric bypass

So women arent the only ones who give misleading information,,,,,good luck,,,,,,J
 singleagain66
Joined: 12/29/2007
Msg: 39
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 2:18:00 PM
Didnt they have a tv show where the husband live in the basement and talked to a rabbit . . . . . .Lol
 yah00
Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 41
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 3:08:42 PM
Well lets see, there are in fact many dubious men out there, but do not let such a jaded view make you pass on a guy you think is so nice. I imagine he would understand your concerns maybe you can meet the wife, pick him up while she is there. LOL A bit unconventional yes but so is living with an ex or in this case un-seperated whatever the status.

Do not let unconventional situations deter you or take advise from the jaded either. No one wants you to be fool or to get taken advantage of but often those doling out advice as to why you shouldn't do this or that are often the type who tend to not do a lot of anything.

I can not stand "cheaters" or lying in general. People do it so much they can not remember the truth but worse people have become accustom or have an expectation of people lying rather than the possibility they are in fact explaining the true situation. I say its easy to enough to find the truth if your willing to look for it. I have found most people who were duped were actually a willing dupe who often admit they didn't want to know.

You do not seem as such, so follow through without doing so like a blind fool or letting the disgruntled lead you down another path out of fear either.

Good luck!
 WesternWildRose
Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 42
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 3:15:01 PM
In these difficult economic times....why not?

The Ex... then the Husband and I were legally separated and living in the same house til after the divorce.

you live apart.... do not share the same bedroom or bed and take an oath in front of the judge it's all perfectly legal and legit.

as to whether your guy is telling the truth, that is another thing...... and asking the wife... yikes... do you really want to go there?

all about trust I guess... being honest...ask hard questions and let him know about your concerns, doubts.... get the proof that you need.

I think this arrangement is more common that you know. It certainly makes financial sense rather than trying to sell a house at a sacrifice sale to get out of the relationship fast.
In some situation one or both parties is in no rush to budge and there is a stalemate in the divorce. They choose to live uncomfortably in the same abode and wait each other out until their terms are met.
 WesternWildRose
Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 45
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 5:30:38 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^ YIKES!!!!
was she referring to moi?

I don't classify myself as desparate... yikes.... savvy to hold on to the house for my kids...but...


please clarify to whom you were addressing as 'desparate' please.
 yourscooter62
Joined: 9/27/2009
Msg: 47
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:21:32 PM
quote: It is a better idea to avoid newly separated and divorced people in general.

I have found this to be true while i was separated...most womens responses were you are still not emotionally detached.

I ended up living in the Basement for almost a year before i moved out. It was financially more beneficial to do do this. I was fixing up a house to live in for 6 months so i had to live with it. We have kids too and we did share the duties with them, but it was awkward at times , eating dinner, hanging around. glad to be out now and have my own home.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 48
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:51:24 PM

as to whether your guy is telling the truth, that is another thing...... and asking the wife... yikes... do you really want to go there?

If you don't want to go there (or he tells you he won't), then it's safe to say that the guy probably isn't the best candidate for dating because there's still too much angst in the situation to inflict on a new person. If the separation is really legit and there's no stress in the situation, meeting the wife shouldn't be an issue at all - both should be fine with it.

I am still in the same house,but my marriage was over years ago.I have a 13yr old son that would tell you he has NEVER seen me hold her hand or sit beside her on the couch.I stayed because she is absolutely hopeless as a parent and I came from a split home and simply made the decision not to do the same to my kids.It has cost me an awful lot looking back .But my kids now understand and love me more for it.But clearly I am seen as married or a liar or both.

Being a roommate who's not entirely divorced and not being a dating candidate is a consequence that comes with the decision you made - if your son is priority, then dating can wait until he's old enough that you can leave, and you'll be fine with dating new people once ends have been tied.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 49
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:02:56 PM
robertkoi wrote:
It is a better idea to avoid newly separated and divorced people in general.

Or people who are just broken up who don't have that convenient legal label to help identify.

Or people who've been out of a relationship for a decade or more but STILL cling to the hope that the other party will come to their senses.

Etc.


yourscooter62 wrote:
most womens responses were: "you are still not emotionally detached."

Which just goes to show that those particular women don't know nearly as much about relationships as they like to think they do.

I can't speak for everyone - but frankly, I had a MUCH more difficult time getting over someone that I'd dated at one point than I did of getting over my ex-wife. Actually, my ex-wife pretty much made it almost effortless to get over her when we finally separated.

Relationships don't work the same for everyone - and the "general rule" about separated/divorced people's "readiness" is about as accurate as weather prediction in the 12th century AD.

That, at least, has been my experience, having been on BOTH sides of the equation.
 WesternWildRose
Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 50
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:49:52 PM
I'm a bit confused here.

So... people who are separated are not good candidate's for dating?

What are they bad people?
Are they all suspect?... Liars?
What if someone you meet is separated legally because their spouse has called it quits on the relationship? Seems to me these people want to move on...move forward.

as for the living arrangements....grow up people.... it makes perfectly good financial sense.... sounds totally fair to the party who is being shown the door.... and in most cases I think that would be the guy btw.

I was with my Ex for 26.5 years... married 24.
I hated him being in the house. But I had a choice...sell the house... displace me and the kids.... or stay and wait out the divorce and mediation.

It was commonsense what to do. Ya... we co-parented... Ya it was horrible...but we were in the same house together til the end of the process.

If you have doubts about someone who is separated.... communicate... ask them about it...and if you are not satisfied.. move on. But don't go painting every separated person with the same brush...everyone's situation is different.
 Svetlana Blue
Joined: 6/23/2009
Msg: 53
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:02:30 AM
This is really a no brainer; unless you are into endless drama, BS and child play. And a lot of people on here are into it. Simple. he is still married. So, why are you asking US these questions? Find a man who does not have this type of crap going on period. I do not get why people insist on questioning people who are still, in some way, shape or form, IN RELATIONSHIPS. I do not think you are "dubious". I will take the 5th on what I think you are.
 ffryan
Joined: 10/10/2005
Msg: 54
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:49:20 AM
If you like the guy and he seems into you, yes it's worth pursuing..... after he moves out.
 hard starboard
Joined: 6/21/2008
Msg: 56
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:29:02 AM
The thread title is an oxymoron. Believe it.
 yourscooter62
Joined: 9/27/2009
Msg: 59
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/1/2009 1:19:12 PM
so what do you think i a couple is married and one has an affair ,that one moves out.
then the other spouse starts dating before D is granted...is that acceptable then?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 64
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:26:26 PM
Someone's situation of separated, broken up, going thru divorce, "still" living together, etc., is ALWAYS exaggerated to make them a better choice. Always exaggerated, even if it's not that bad of a situation or seems like it wouldn't have to be. Even someone who broke up with someone not too long ago. Doesn't mean it's always the worst situation... just remember that you can't take their word for it.

Is it worth pursuing? Depends on what you have in mind. If you have ANY expectations of a real relationship with them -- ABSOLUTELY NOT.

If you're not emotionally vulnerable and are up for a fling? Sure. Just make sure to let the guy in that position know that you're not looking for a relationship with them due to their situation but you're open to casually date here and there with them. If you say that directly, they won't have any reason to lie & exaggerate too much to make it look better.
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