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 poolshark6
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 2
A friend's cheating husbandPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
show your friend the text's he sends you, thats your proof.
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 3
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:44:35 AM
Well... you're pretty much fvcked in this whole scenario. You are far too embroiled in the situation to tell her, you've known about it for years so now it will seem like some silly vendetta that you are trying to get even with him for...

The time for full disclosure would have been within a much shorter time frame of it happening.
 curiousaboutu77
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 4
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:51:25 AM
I have no doubt that your friend knows that he is sleeping around to some degree even if she doesn't know the details. I would say at best she is ignoring it and just pretending everything is fine or just ignoring small clues. I think if you told her she would probably try to ignore what you are saying with excuses in her own mind. I suppose if you wanted to you could be subtle about it like telling her he has been messaging you and not go into too many details and see how she responds and go from there. I think if you did do that i suspect she won't really acknowledge it too much because she would already suspect it and it might threaten her with been forced to acknowledge it. You know your friend best and i might be off the mark but i do suspect that she just ignores it to some level.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 6
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:19:49 AM
Your friend that is married and had the fling with him 15 years ago invites the behavior on herself because she flirts with him and doesn't tell him stop it or I'm telling your wife. You have the ability to do that and to minimize the time you spend around this man. It is not your job to tell your friend because she obviously doesn't want to believe it. He has been cheating on her for 15 years, you don't think deep down she knows?

They are wealthy and she doesn't want to give up what she has in order to have a man that is faithful to her, that is her choice to make. You can in good conscience tell this fuker to leave you alone or you will show his wife the texts he has sent you.

Other than that, you have to let it go and if that means spending less time around these people, only spending time with your best friend when they aren't around, then that is probably what you are going to have to do.
 BlueEyes1712
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 7
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:29:19 AM
Your five years too late past the time you knew about it, telling her know would cause resentment due to knowing and doing nothing for five years. What you may want to do is show her the text message he sent you recently. Since you have never accepted any of his advances this can give her some proof of what he may be doing, that is this confirmation may lead her to believing the phone call from the upset husband that he did his wife.
If she decided to do anything, she has access to financial resorces to hire an investigator to confirm her beliefts, prior to seeking any legal proceedures, if that is what she may desire. She has to weigh her options once she accepts his actions are true.
 Thaddal
Joined: 10/23/2009
Msg: 8
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:32:15 AM
Looks like you dont love your friend at all if you will sit back and watch her be humiliated for 15 years...Chances are he has picked up a nasty std and wants to spread it around to get revenge..that way..all the girlfriends in that circle can be in misery together.... it's called STD by Design....it goes on alot in New York and California...it's more popular with the younger generation...
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 9
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:05:45 AM
As much as I like to see people such as him get their comeuppance, I have to conclude from your story that everyone involved with this mess is doing exactly what they want to. All the women who slept with him, his wife, your best friend, are all involving themselves in this, and telling you, as a way to enjoy themselves further. If this were not so, they would all have taken actions to stop it long ago.
I would agree with those who say that if you really want to get away from this peyton place, you have to take the obvious actions: tell him that there are laws against sexual assault (which includes purposely brushing up against you), that you HAVE ALREADY(and make this the truth) reported his behavior towards you to the Church authorities and his wife. Then you have to look seriously into distancing yourself from all of them as friends, including your 'closest' friend, who is enjoying complaining about this to you.
 2fuzy
Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 10
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:13:36 AM
after 15 years the wife probally knows or has chosen not to on some level if you decide to spill the beans now I would bet all that happens is you will end up the bad guy
 BlueEyes1712
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 11
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:18:31 AM
I think its obvious that you chose to accept this and the freinds who have been playing out the drama, its just now you are feeling more pressure in this action drama.
I agree with the above posts, you may have to find new friend and leave these. You will feel the reprucushions from them as you distance yourself from them, this can be expected, for they would think you may tell on them, jepordizing each ones relationship. So you are in heavy doodoo.
Problem is even with new friends, there is never any way to know how deep they are into a secret life. But at least, what you dont know wont harm you.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 12
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:25:39 AM
okay...here is what I have done in similar circumstances:

The married man hits on me. I tell him I'm not interested in married men and to not approach me again. If I know his wife, I will add that if he does approach me again, I will let her know that he hit on me. And if he does (a repeat occurrence only happened once) I tell her that he hit on me. I do not carry tales about other incidents I know about.
 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 13
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:07:42 AM
I am gong to speak from a similar experience as you have. It's not quite the same but it certainly has a lot of similarities. The first two similarities are that he is very good looking and financially secure. The third similarity was the wife's response:

She claimed not to believe it.

Some people would rather disbelieve and deny the truth because they are in a comfortable lifestyle.

I made the mistake of telling my friend about her husband. She knows what was going on but didn't want to lose her comfortable lifestyle. This woman who I thought I was helping no longer speaks with me. She has shunned others who informed her about her husband.

I'm guessing your friend doesn't want a change in life so she accepts his behaviour. Unfortunately, I know many who are in the same situation. There is a cycle though. The man goes on weekend golf outings and the women who cheat go on weekend shopping excursions.

Your friend knows what is going on. I'd keep clear of the situation - she doesn't want her world upset, especially by her friends who are her world.
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 14
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:24:02 AM
I'm afraid I'm going to side with those who say the wife probably knows - or should know - what's going on. This recent call from an irate husband isn't the first time she's been confronted by her husband's behaviour.

If he's openly flirting with you and others in his wife's presence, then she's choosing to ignore it. I've been pushed into a bedroom by a wife while the husband has chosen to turn away and ignore it. Fortunately my wife at the time saved me, cause she was pretty damn persistent.
 Boots168
Joined: 3/22/2009
Msg: 15
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:26:39 AM
I too have a feeling that your friend can't be totally ignorant of what's going on with her husband all these years. Being a woman yourself, you should know how powerful women's instinct can be right? She must have her own reasons to stay with him, either for money or for love.

If he ever hits on you again, simply tell him to try on other ladies instead unless he plans on divorcing her and marrying YOU. Ask him if you could be of any help by forwarding his text message to her.
 dogzbody
Joined: 10/20/2009
Msg: 16
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:46:40 AM
How do you actually know that his wife does not know anything. Perhaps she has (as is her right in this situation) chosen to turn a blind eye and live the high life.


Or maybe she just really loves the guy, and that's why she's chosen to "turn a blind eye" to his other liasions. Couples have been living together in these kinds of arrangements forever. I no longer presume to know the secrets of a marriage. Frankly it's none of my, or anyone's, business. Why meddle? Because it offends one's morals? I have a theory on morality: perhaps morals are the weak man's way to create personal boundaries... the danger of course being that those personal boundaries then get projected out onto other people who do not need nor want those particular boundaries. Or maybe people are tempted to meddle because they don't want others to get hurt? I can understand that one, having felt it many times. But in order to respect other people's space and the integrity of them as separate individuals I had to learn to cope with their discomfort in life. The value "everyone should be happy and I should contribute to that" had to go. What I think should happen at any given time anywhere in the world is of no consequence to the world unless asked my opinion. I no longer strive to please, ease, soothe or lighten a load. I no longer view the suffering of another as a mistake that person is making. This was a huge shift in values for me. In the earning of my own privacy I learned to respect the privacy of another.
 LuvsLaughs
Joined: 4/14/2009
Msg: 17
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:47:39 AM
I would go to the Church minister/priest and ask for counsel. He/She would be a good person with distance to discuss this with. The question you have to ask yourself is... since this bothers you to be involved in all of his foolishness... (having him hit on you, watching him do it to others, hearing that others have been with him... ) how desperate are you to be done with it? You might end up seen as the bad guy... but standing up for our moral values often leaves us standing alone. If this is the case, there are two things to remember... first off, when she (if she) ever comes to her senses, she'll realize that you were there for her and come back. Secondly... you would at least be done with their drama. Just my thoughts....
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 18
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:50:03 AM
I was, I suppose, in a similar position (less the wealthy bit) as I didn't find out until after the relationship ended that my ex had cheated at least twice. Nuking all the details, a mutual friend knew my ex was having an affair and did not tell me directly for some good reasons including she felt I was not adding up what was right in front of me because I wasn't ready to face it.

While continuing her friendship with me, she cut off her friendship with my ex. Even so, she was instrumental in my finally seeing the light. It came at the end of a conversation where I had been saying everything added up to J having an affair, but there's no way J would ever have an affair. She asked me: "Explain to me again why you are so convinced J could not be having an affair?" I spent another 1-2 days weighing that out before forcing J to come clean.

It seems to me you could ask similar questions of your friend regarding the betrayed/angry husband's phone call. "Did you ever hear anymore from that husband?" "Explain to me again..."

People are saying she isn't ready to face it because she doesn't want to give up the good life (money), and that may well be true. It also strikes me that this is especially devastating news and sometimes our psyche refuses to see things clearly in order to protect us from emotional devastation. Being betrayed in that way was my single largest fear in life... I couldn't face it as a reality. At least that's my excuse for why I chose to live in delusion by failing to add up the evidence to the correct sum for so many months.

Tough place to be in Nomadic, I wish you peace in it. BTW, I was in awe of my friend's integrity in this and told her I didn't think, were I in her shoes, that I would have been able to do as well.
 joemac356
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 19
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:54:17 AM
I would be putting myself in your friend's position and asking myself what you would want the other friend to do. I do not let myself become burdened with others' secrets, but that's me. Fear of someone else's bad decisions or behaviour should never prevent you from doing what is right. You have to live with your own decisions. They must live with theirs.
 lolwtfamidoinghere
Joined: 10/13/2009
Msg: 20
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:43:19 AM
A wealthy philanderer?

Definitely tell your friend, she could end up with a divorce settlement as big as a lottery jackpot!
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 21
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:16:48 AM
Tell me, why has your friend been allowing this man to text her and entice her for 15 frigging years? That sounds pretty pathetic on both their parts. And what kind of 'friends' screws someone she calls a friend once or more times? This sounds like a rather trashy circle of friends, tell wife of the cheater the truth and get it over with, you should have brought it up years ago, all of you, and cleared the air or found better friends to hang out with. Had you been honest from the start none of this would have been happening for 20 years.

I have another question, if this guy is so rich & good looking, why can't he do better than his wife's friends? I think there's more to this story.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 22
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:04:30 AM
I would first suggest you quit calling the hubby a "friend". I personally don't have people as "friends" that act the way he does.Just me of course.
 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 23
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:15:23 AM

I don't care for the adv ice to not tell the woman or find a way to let her know ina subtle way. Stop being a coward about the whole thing. Tell the woman and own up to your part in keeping her in the dark.

That's not always a good alternative.
The wife already experienced a sense of infidelity yet refused to accept the news. If a person (the wife) prefers living in that environment, she will disown those who are publicising the affair(s)..... really, who wants their bad marriage to be the local gossip?

If the wife starts complaining about the marriage, then the topic can be brought forward
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 24
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:19:42 AM
"is it possible to get the texts back?"

Nope.

I have to agree with the others that ask why you have these kinds of friends. Your one friend is encouraging a married man to flirt with her, the married man is an a$$ (who should be reported to the church) and the wife obviously is choosing to ignore her husband's behavior. And you hang around with them - why?
 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 25
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:31:33 AM
Everybody has their own coping mechanisms. Being a friend does not preclude you impose your heroism over her choice of coping with the situation.... a real friend would understand that. She is aware of infidelity; your job as an adviser is done.

As far as dumping her? Well, that too is a very selfish act, as a friend. If you mettle in someone's personal life, you should accept the consequences (rants, if you will) of your own behaviour. Be her friend (that's what she wants) not her nightly newsline.

If the wife begins imposing that aspect of the marriage with you or other general complaints about her marriage, then contemplate your position. Until then, you've not been invited to snoop into their bedroom life.
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 26
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:39:26 AM
I have no doubt that your friend knows that he is sleeping around to some degree even if she doesn't know the details.

As for the woman he is married to and you telling her...don't. She chooses to ignore the signs that are so obvious in front of her face and the fact that she even got a phone call from a husband.
I pretty much agree with these two statements. If she's been married to this guy for so long and hasn't figured out that she's married to a toad, that's really her fault. Best you can really do here is just allow her to come to you to talk about her husband's indiscretions when she feels like doing so. Otherwise, since she rationalized her husband as being worthy because she has stayed with him for so long, she'll look at you as being some sort of wedge; hell she might even think you are trying to split them up for your own benefit. I suggest staying out of this.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 28
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 1:21:49 PM
Maybe if the cheating husband would just stop it already, you would have a much easier time putting this to rest.

I agree with the posters who say the woman PROBABLY already knows and that by you telling her, you risk being the bad person in this mess.

So send her an anonymous get well card. In it just give her enough information to hang himself. Just tell her if she cares to know than all she needs to do is open her eyes. If he is calling and texting you and the other girlfriend, then he is most likely doing the same with many others. All the wife needs to do is look at his cell phone bill and she will get a complete list of phone numbers.

If she really doesn't care to know then that's on her. At least you will be able to have a clear conscience.
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