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 quickfix13
Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 1
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How can you meet girls if you don't get out?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Well, first I'm an introvert. However, most of my friends are extroverts. They are the type that has many friends, go to social places, are very vocal, etc. Compared to me, where I have only a handful of close friends, I prefer staying at home, and I'm quite reserved. The problem they say why I can't get a girl is because I don't go out enough. By "get out" I mean to social places like concerts, bars, or even libraries and art museums.

Now, I understand that often times you must do something you dislike in order to achieve the result you desire. A means to an end they say. Like how you might work a crappy job just because you need the money. I don't think that a means to an end is a good way to live though. I would love to get 6 pack abs, but I just HATE working out. To me, the time and effort required to get myself into that kind of shape is better spent elsewhere. If I'm not going to enjoy the journy, what point is there in reaching the destination? The same thing I kind of think about having a relationship. Except I desire a relationship more than a 6 pack, so I'd be willing to take more sacrifices. But in the same way I've tried to be more social, and every time I've lost motivation before I even started.

So the question I'm asking is if a "means to an end" is something that you think is a legitimate way to approach a relationship? I know that for me, unless I put my whole heart into something it will never get done. I know just because I don't see another solution at this time, does mean that the problem has only one answer. Still, I can't help but get this feeling of overwhelming dread that looms over me. Mostly a fear that when the time comes when I meet that special someone, I'll be too inexperienced that she will lose interest. So what do you think? For other introverts, can you meet girls though just normal everyday contact? Or do you still have to try to make the first move?
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 2
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How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:10:02 PM
you are lazy. everything without any effort. Good luck with that.
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 3
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How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:53:10 PM
Get out and do things related to activities you like
 1kindMan4U
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 4
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:08:46 PM
Get off this forum. You are getting too comfortable here.. like with this post

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts13224370.aspx#13224370
 *~*ChardyGirl*~*
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 5
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:24:49 PM
Geez,Op........you've posted about this before......
And,you're "only" 21......You should be out there,enjoying life and experiencing as much as you can !!

Sorry to break it to you,but the girl of your dreams is NOT going to just turn up and knock at your front door.
You have to put yourself out there,in all sorts of social situations,coz the more you interact with people,the easier it will become.....
Good Luck!
 durandal26
Joined: 3/16/2008
Msg: 6
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:07:28 PM
You answered your own question.

Things don't just fall into your lap, unless you are extraordinarily lucky. If you're the one in a million that has great things happen to them without working for them, great. But chances are (999,999 out of 1,000,000) you aren't.

You want to be rich? You might win the lottery. But chances are you won't, and the only way it will happen is if you work for it.

Want to get a girlfriend? She might just fall into your lap, but chances are she won't.

But quite frankly, your attitude is a turn-off. I definitely wouldn't want to even be friends with someone like you.

"I would love to get 6 pack abs, but I just HATE working out."

reeks of entitlement.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 7
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:50:47 PM
eternaldream,

The 2nd poster said it right -- you are lazy. You fear consequences and a change of your comfort zone. Lay-zee.

Like how you might work a crappy job just because you need the money. I don't think that a means to an end is a good way to live though.

Not a good way to live your whole life, but sometimes a temporary, necessarily evil.

I would love to get 6 pack abs, but I just HATE working out. To me, the time and effort required to get myself into that kind of shape is better spent elsewhere.

You don't have to join a gym, and it doesn't have to take too much time. I'm not ripped beyond belief or anything, but people ask me what gym I go to and I tell them none, and they're surprised. How do I stay in shape at 32? Pushups, an occasional jog when I'd be sitting around clearing my mind anyway, water jugs and cords invoking some muscle resistance... all in between the things I do when I'm at my own place.

If I'm not going to enjoy the journy, what point is there in reaching the destination?

You have WAY too much confidence in knowing what's best for you. So if you were on drugs, and you had an intervention, would you say "I wouldn't enjoy the journey of cutting off my addiction, so what's the point of reaching the destination?"

You're addicted to your set comfort zones. We all are to an extent, but yours is super glued. Not good. And I may ask -- how are you liking the journey now? The journey has destinations, successes, failures, etc. within it.

So the question I'm asking is if a "means to an end" is something that you think is a legitimate way to approach a relationship?

Not at all costs, and not in all situations... and it depends on your fussiness about changing your ways.

Still, I can't help but get this feeling of overwhelming dread that looms over me. Mostly a fear that when the time comes when I meet that special someone, I'll be too inexperienced that she will lose interest.

Your journey ain't so hot, is it?? :) You don't like the journey now, and to change your ways doesn't sound like fun either. Kind of like my dad in the '04 Election... he didn't want Bush as president still, but he knew what he was getting, as he didn't like Kerry and really know what he'd end up doing while knowing there'd be things he wouldn't like.

You're trying to rationalize righteousness of being lazy and mildly depressed. Come on! Change your ways. People way out of shape HATE exercising at FIRST, but many then they enjoy it if they get it to be part of their routine! Your ways are like an analogy to that.
 handsoflove
Joined: 10/26/2009
Msg: 8
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:02:58 AM
Introverts and cowards should not be confused. If you dislike crowds and tend to warm slowly to people, fine, but you're saying behind your choice is a fear. You could be an extrovert and have that same fear.

I think you want to scheme and plot to have the world hand you things on your own terms because you lack the faith in yourself to succeed by trying, by getting out there and having at it. That feels uncomfortable, scary, but not challenging and exciting. The world won't come ask you how it should be for you to be comfortable. You can't wait for an invitation. Then step back and consider how this attitude looks to women. If she hooks up with you and you live a life together, who is going to be out in the world working to make things happen so you prosper and have fun? It would have to be her because you don't like how it feels to try something unless you can be assured of success.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 9
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:29:58 AM
This is simple. Dating is a social activity. If you are not social or don't want to be - it's not going to be productive for you. You cannot reap the rewards of a socially geared thing without participating socially. It's like saying you want an MVP trophy but don't feel like playing any sports.

Your desire to meet someone has to override your need for isolation. If it doesn't then stay home...you don't have to date anyone unless you want to, and if you want to you'll do what it takes.

Same with 6 pack abs. Personally getting in shape is easier and more beneficial than having abs, but I will tell you this - working out and getting into shape will probably pay off socially AND healthwise. You'll be out, you'll be doing something to improve yourself, you'll be around people doing the same, and you'll be more attractive to women.

To some extent, your isolation might be based on your self image.
 OnlyThis
Joined: 3/31/2009
Msg: 10
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:12:21 AM

For other introverts, can you meet girls though just normal everyday contact?

You're a student.. let me give you the marketing 101 for business....

"Hi.... {this is who I am} and {this is what I do}."

Think about it .. that's all it is. Every commercial, every sales pitch, etc is trying to get across that very simple message. However, for it to work, you have to actually put yourself in front of the people who need to hear it. If you were in business, you would attend every function that you could that would put you in front of the people you need to meet with a very simple goal... this is who I am and this is what I do.....

Dating isn't very different... you put yourself in front of women and introduce yourself. You young folks that find dating "difficult" will find it impossible to cope in the business world. The time to correct your "introverted" self.. is now.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 11
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:18:28 AM
You are a walking self fulfilling prophesy. All your fears will become a reality because, first, you see the work you need to do with dread and second, you are only looking at the outcome, rather than the journey.
 Brunopolis
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 12
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:33:05 AM
Get some friends and start going to the gym. You'll get addicted in a few months. When I moved here to Uruguay I was more or less alone so I had the opportunity(boredom) to hit the gym fairly frequently. If you're not in that kind of situation then get friends that want to go. It's the only way you'll do it if you're prone to being procrastinating.
 minako79
Joined: 1/15/2009
Msg: 13
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/2/2009 5:28:05 PM
have you heard of the old saying, no pain, no gain... you can't expect to lock yourself in the room, just interacting with the computer, it gets boring. if you don't go out and interact, cinderella won't come knocking through your door.
 Greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 14
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How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/3/2009 2:43:05 AM
I love all the people on here calling the OP lazy and essentially saying that he's just whining without doing anything. I suppose the majority of the posters don't actually know what "introvert" means.

OP, I understand the desire to keep to yourself. My best friend is an extrovert, and I'm regularly turning down his offers to hang out, because he wants to drag me along with all his other friends, and honestly, I'm not about that crap. I'm not going to spend my time hanging around a group of people that I don't know, sitting quietly in the back, trying to fight my anxiety, and just wishing I was at home.

What you have to do, if you're going to meet girls that you actually have interest in, is get out of the house, but only for things that you actually WANT to do. I don't know what sort of things you're into, but when I was in college, I started attending the anime club, met a lot of nice people there. Don't be afraid to step up and say something to somebody in one of your classes that you have a thing for.

The biggest roadblock for us introverts is recognizing the difference between being ourselves, and being scared. Talking to somebody doesn't mean you're trying to change your nature, it just means you're overcoming your stumbling blocks to make genuine human contact.
 Uncle Fist
Joined: 12/18/2006
Msg: 15
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/3/2009 4:36:20 AM
^But the OP is lazy. Being an introvert has nothing to do with working out. It's not a social activity. Yet in the first post he said he'd love to have six pack abs but didn't want to do the work to get them.

He's using the introvert card as an excuse for not doing the work necessary to reap the rewards for anything. Life doesn't work like that. You do the work and reap the rewards or you decide to live without the rewards and don't make any effort. But his current mindset is that of someone who might say, "I'd love to be rich, but I really don't want to get a job."
 HardwoodFloorBoard
Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 16
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How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/3/2009 2:11:25 PM
OP,

You seem to have tapped into some hidden vein of hatred on here.

You are being called lazy, "entitled" etc, etc, for having asked a reasonable question. I don't know if it is the question which offends some on here, or the possible answers, or maybe the lack of answers.

I think the comment about not liking to work out hit an especially raw nerve with some folks. (What are you, some kind of subversive?)

Take it all with a large grain of salt. One woman said you were lazy; in other threads women are saying that guys who work too hard at meeting women come across as "desperate" or "creepy". You're damned if you do and damned if you don't on here.

I have to agree, if you don't reach out, somehow, some way, some where, you'll never meet anybody. But I do see where you're coming from: if you engage in some activity, social or otherwise. just to meet women, you will be judged insincere.

I would also say, from having read through these fora for about a year and a half, that there is a certain intolerance of shyness and introversion. Downright bigotry in some cases.
 Uncle Fist
Joined: 12/18/2006
Msg: 17
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/3/2009 3:56:59 PM
^There is also a certain pathological justification for shyness being a virtue rather than a hinderance by people who suffer from social anxiety because they are afraid to challenge and conquer things they find uncomfortable.

I like how you assume people must be offended by his post simply because they pointed out a logical flaw in his argument.
 HardwoodFloorBoard
Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 18
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How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/3/2009 4:09:05 PM
No, I assumed they were offended by the vitriolic nature of their posts. Do the flaws in the OP's argument necessarily indicate that he is lazy? I think calling the OP "lazy" is an assumption.

And really, is it any skin off your nose whether shyness is a virtue or a hindrance to the OP?
 Greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 19
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How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/3/2009 4:52:13 PM

But the OP is lazy. Being an introvert has nothing to do with working out. It's not a social activity. Yet in the first post he said he'd love to have six pack abs but didn't want to do the work to get them.


So every person that doesn't want to put forth the effort to get a 6-pack is lazy? Even at my thinnest, I will NEVER have a 6-pack unless I train my body for hours a day. Many many people don't feel that it's worth the effort. It's not laziness, it's a matter of priorities. The majority would rather use their spare time to find some enjoyment in life instead of trying to sculpt their bodies.


He's using the introvert card as an excuse for not doing the work necessary to reap the rewards for anything. Life doesn't work like that. You do the work and reap the rewards or you decide to live without the rewards and don't make any effort. But his current mindset is that of someone who might say, "I'd love to be rich, but I really don't want to get a job."


The true response of an extrovert that doesn't understand the introvert mindset.

You may have read "I want all the rewards without doing any work." But I read "I've flown solo all my life, and it's how I'm most comfortable. Please help me figure out how to break out of my bubble."
 Uncle Fist
Joined: 12/18/2006
Msg: 20
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:37:14 PM

No, I assumed they were offended by the vitriolic nature of their posts.


I see exactly one post in this thread that could be considered caustic or vitriolic. The rest are basic bare fact laid out without any kind of sugar coating. Perhaps this is considered vitriolic by people with thin skin?




Do the flaws in the OP's argument necessarily indicate that he is lazy? I think calling the OP "lazy" is an assumption.


You're smarter than that. You're looking for a loophole like a lawyer right now.



And really, is it any skin off your nose whether shyness is a virtue or a hindrance to the OP?


It's not about my nose. It's about his nose. About whether he truly wants any helpful advice that will benefit him or just for someone to give him an excuse to feel like it's okay to continue not doing anything and expecting something to fall into his lap.




So every person that doesn't want to put forth the effort to get a 6-pack is lazy? Even at my thinnest, I will NEVER have a 6-pack unless I train my body for hours a day. Many many people don't feel that it's worth the effort. It's not laziness, it's a matter of priorities. The majority would rather use their spare time to find some enjoyment in life instead of trying to sculpt their bodies.


Then 6 pack abs are not that important to you. And that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. All that means is that they are something that would be nice to have but you don't necessarily really desire them. If something is truly important enough to someone, they will do whatever it takes to obtain it. If they are not willing to put forth the necessary effort (no matter how hard), then they're okay with living without it. That's not rocket science.

Just as having a mate is not currently all that important to the OP even though he claims and probably thinks it is. If it were, he would be willing to do whatever was necessary to obtain one. But the fact that he cannot seem to find the motivation to commit himself shows that he is comfortable enough being single.



The true response of an extrovert that doesn't understand the introvert mindset.

You may have read "I want all the rewards without doing any work." But I read "I've flown solo all my life, and it's how I'm most comfortable. Please help me figure out how to break out of my bubble."


Sorry to break it to you, but guess what. "Help me break out of my bubble" means "help me become more extroverted."
 Greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 21
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How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/4/2009 1:02:58 AM

Just as having a mate is not currently all that important to the OP even though he claims and probably thinks it is. If it were, he would be willing to do whatever was necessary to obtain one. But the fact that he cannot seem to find the motivation to commit himself shows that he is comfortable enough being single.


The OP isn't looking to have somebody fall in his lap. He's trying to find a way to go about looking for somebody that's right for him, without resorting to doing things he hates, like going to bars and having obnoxious nights out with "the guys." At least, that's what I got from his post.


Sorry to break it to you, but guess what. "Help me break out of my bubble" means "help me become more extroverted."


Sorry to break it right back, but learning how to crawl out of your shell doesn't make you extroverted. Being introverted isn't about being a mute, averting your eyes when anybody looks in your direction, and trying to keep to the shadows because the light burns.

Being introverted means that most of your consciousness takes place internally... you spend more time staying within yourself, than coming out to be with other people... and usually means that said introvert needs time to himself to recharge after spending time with other people.
 HardwoodFloorBoard
Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 22
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How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:13:34 AM
I agree with greyfeld.

However, some folks evidently think that the doctrine of "No pain, no gain," should be applied to social interaction.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 23
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How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:50:51 AM
I would not expect a girl to just knock on your front door begging for a date or to accept never leaving the house because you hate to go out you have to put yourself out there at some level. I hate crowds but enjoy going out. I have always found that taking a class or joining a social group is a good way to meet people.
 ChefInJeans
Joined: 10/30/2009
Msg: 24
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How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/4/2009 3:25:49 PM
I think its funny anyone would come out with such negative responses like that when we're on an internet dating site. The entire idea of the host of these forums is that you can take an at-home approach to the socializing process.

I can sympathize with eternaldream. I was a massive nerd in highschool, picked on, put down, and even though Ive grown out of that I have self-esteem issues, so going to a club and just talking to a woman, a MASSIVE mental block goes up because of this, regular socializing is hard for me

As for the initial questing, this is what Ive learend in my few years coming out of my shell.

1. Use your friends, tell them your problem. Just one really good friend who is the opposite of you, very extroverted and out there, can be a massive help. Most introverts dont have trouble chatting up someone, its the initial icebreaker thats hard. A buddy can do that for you.

2. 6 packs are overrated. Yes this is somewhat of a cop-out, no I dont care, its genetic. Some people were born thin, some muscular, some with a little extra. Girls you can relate, how many girls out there with A-cups know a friend who is similar in almost all ways but has a C-cup? If you carry yourself well, you dont need to be a musclehead to be attractive.

3. Go somewhere where you can risk it all. Drive a few miles out from home so that if you go to a bar/club and put it all on the line, she flips throws a drink in your face and you have to run out (yes very overly dramatic and unrealistic) you never have to go back. Once you know that its easier to put yourself out there because you wont have anything to lose.

Hope this helped
 LDF85
Joined: 6/20/2009
Msg: 25
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 1/14/2010 2:23:15 PM

Well, first I'm an introvert. However, most of my friends are extroverts. They are the type that has many friends, go to social places, are very vocal, etc. Compared to me, where I have only a handful of close friends, I prefer staying at home, and I'm quite reserved. The problem they say why I can't get a girl is because I don't go out enough. By "get out" I mean to social places like concerts, bars, or even libraries and art museums.

Now, I understand that often times you must do something you dislike in order to achieve the result you desire. A means to an end they say. Like how you might work a crappy job just because you need the money. I don't think that a means to an end is a good way to live though. I would love to get 6 pack abs, but I just HATE working out. To me, the time and effort required to get myself into that kind of shape is better spent elsewhere. If I'm not going to enjoy the journy, what point is there in reaching the destination? The same thing I kind of think about having a relationship. Except I desire a relationship more than a 6 pack, so I'd be willing to take more sacrifices. But in the same way I've tried to be more social, and every time I've lost motivation before I even started.

So the question I'm asking is if a "means to an end" is something that you think is a legitimate way to approach a relationship? I know that for me, unless I put my whole heart into something it will never get done. I know just because I don't see another solution at this time, does mean that the problem has only one answer. Still, I can't help but get this feeling of overwhelming dread that looms over me. Mostly a fear that when the time comes when I meet that special someone, I'll be too inexperienced that she will lose interest. So what do you think? For other introverts, can you meet girls though just normal everyday contact? Or do you still have to try to make the first move?


I reckon I can relate to everything you've typed about yourself and your introverted lifestyle. Sometimes I wonder if I was prone to an introverted lifestyle or if the way that people treated me made me an introvert. When you're a kid you're so emotionally vulnerable that it's easy to be put into a shell by your peers and you will remain in that shell if there is not some type of psychological intervention. For me, it was my ears, my voice, my mannerisms - I was just an all around, socially unappealing kid (strangely, a few of my best friends were the biggest jocks though. I call it the knight/squire relationship).

My psychological intervention came around age seventeen or eighteen. High school was over and I thought to myself: it doesn't matter who was cool in school, we're gonna be at parties and clubs where nobody knows us and we can just mingle with women and let them get to know us for themselves. I dived into social interaction headfirst. Between 2003 and 2009 I went to a lot of parties, clubs, and bars. In 2005 it had gotten to the point that I was more worried about having a job to support the clubbing and partying than I was about getting back into school, even though I'd paid my debt off.

Soon I learned that who's who still mattered. At most of the parties and clubs that I went to, I realized that many of the people already knew each other and they were at the clubs and parties to have a good time, not to meet new people. Clubs, parties, and bars are the places where women have their guards up the most because they naturally assume that every guy there is trying to take them home for the night. If I was lucky I'd get a number, and if I was really lucky they'd answer. In short, it was all a waste of time.

I think that everyday settings are probably better because people tend to be more at ease. In a world where women belong to what I call a gender-based-nobility, gaining access will always be harder in a full on dating scene.
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