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Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 20
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Second chances?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Each situation is unique, so I try not to apply hard & fast rules.

That said, I probably wouldn't ask out a woman a second time if she'd already turned me down once. You tell me "no," I take you at your word.

Splitting up a long-term relationship ... I'd always be willing to *listen* to the other person. I think you owe a lover that much consideration. Thinking back, I don't think I ever have gotten back together with someone after a breakup (except in a casual dating relationship), but that's just because when the end came, we both knew it.

Guess I'd just rather be open-minded than closed.
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 24
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Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:00:57 AM
Ive never been given or asked for a second chance if someone breaks up with me.
I broke up from a women I liked a lot because she had an ex boyfriend move into her home, without mentioning it to me. She wrote to me saying how she screwed up the relaionship. I mean come on it was an intensional act of deciet, why should I sucumb to someone that wants a second chance after doing such a thing, let her find somone who cared enough about her to test if she could be trustworthy, I dont feel she deserves it from me. Lesson of hard knocks.

She got what she wanted, a chance at the ex, cant have your cake and eat it too. Do you think a women would put up with me having an exgirlfriend move in my home, while I date her? Not very likely
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 31
Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:17:01 AM

If I ask a girl out and she says no, I don't ask her out again, no exceptions.

Breaking up due to bigger issues may not warrant a second chance but NOT asking someone out again after saying NO sounds like a wounded pride talking. Have you not strive to reach your goal? Have you not committed mistakes ever that you would ask to be forgiven? False ego disappears when you forgive.

Giving second chances is almost similar to taking a chance. If ever I will give a second chance to an ex, we must agree to some changes for us not to repeat the same mistakes all over again in order for the relationship to succeed. But if it fails again, that's when I would say 'Enough' but at least I take a chance. However no more third chances. JMO.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 34
Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:53:37 AM

Nowadays, exceptions to rules are quite frequent with me lol. Some aren't and they're not likely to change.

I am with Jinx and Stray on this one. It is better to remain flexible. But to also not go back to some state in which you were before. But like you, Division, I used to be inflexible. It worked great for me because my emotions were like a rock, impenetrable. It allowed me to date gorgeous women and dumb gorgeous women without even thinking about it. Unfortunately the gate to emotions work in both directions. If you close the gate, nothing goes out, but nothing goes in, and what goes in and tries to love you eventually will find the empty steppes of your soul and since there's no nourishment there other than the physical, the emotions perish. This was actually something I did enjoyed because in about a cycle of 4 months it would work itself into ending relationships and starting something new.

But I found a woman I felt in love, with her and with her children. When we split, after almost 3 years, I was left mourning the lost of the children and this woman. There's a point there when you then have to reflect and realize that the demise was as much my fault than it was hers. So yes, we are back together, but we are not reliving the past, but understanding that we need to both be different for it to work in the future. So in a way, a huge way it is a new relationship.

So I believe in flexibility, but also staying true to my convictions. It takes a bigger man to say, "I was wrong about this." It is a lot easier to say, to hell with this, but sometimes when you love something you become vulnerable but also you are willing to fight for that, which you love.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 36
Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:05:11 AM
Sounds like this is a case of people doing what they believe works for them. Some don't look back and some do. Long as they're not hurting us, who cares why they do it. There's no wrong or right way, only individual preference.
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 39
Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:48:40 AM
I have tried giving second chances, but the same old issue always pops up. So it has never worked. I agree with the "circle of trust" thing. It's not impossible, but close to it, to get back in there once you've broken it.

I do have one or two guys that if they wanted back in my life, they could be.
But they'd have to be the ones to initiate it. It could just be a pride thing for me (or maybe I'm a realist), but if a guy dumps me, I'm not going to try to convince him to come back. I know in the past there have been a few guys who WANTED to (even though they dumped me), and I had to say no, you were right the first time.
Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:19:29 AM

For those of you who give second chances, why?

When my husband left I was determined I was going to move on and enjoy single life. There was no abuse or cheating involved, he just wasn't happy and I wasn't willing to live, essentially, as roommates.

So I mourned the loss, casually dated a few people, got over my anger towards him, and started moving on. We waited the year's separation then met to discuss the details for the divorce. Three days before I was going to file the papers, I get a note from him saying he wanted to talk about trying again.

I spent a lot of time thinking about and reflecting on his note and our history. We had been together for 11 years and we had way more good than bad in those years. We were young and had no idea how to have a relationship.

In our talk, we realized some of our relationship shortcomings. We decided we would date for a while and see how things went. A year later we got a place together. We definitely have problems but now we can actually talk about them without getting angry and without necessarily finding a solution.

Why did I give him a second chance? Because I realized my issues with him were just that... MINE. I knew I needed to learn to accept him for who he is and not for the man I wanted him to be. I was also not willing to walk away from my marriage without giving it every last possible effort.
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 43
Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:16:44 AM
OP: For me, it all depends on the circumstances. I'm flexible and know that life is not cut/dry...people change as we evolve (hopefully for the better) and circumstances change.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 56
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Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:28:51 PM
I'm generally suspicious of cookie-cutter approaches.

A break up is usually a decision to end things because you cannot determine a solution to a problem. If a solution was found, one could resume again. Sometimes people don't invest enough energy into problem solving. Sometimes incompatibility is too big of a problem to solve.

My answer: It depends on the problem and the appropriate solution.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 57
Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:42:42 PM

A break up is usually a decision to end things because you cannot determine a solution to a problem. If a solution was found, one could resume again. Sometimes people don't invest enough energy into problem solving. Sometimes incompatibility is too big of a problem to solve.

Wow. As is always the case your wisdom speaks volumes.
Joined: 3/18/2007
Msg: 64
Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:30:54 PM
I'm generally not pressed to ask for, or give 2nd chances. If it sucked the 1st time, the 2nd chance sweepstakes will suck WORSE! That's knowledge gained from being pressed in the past. Good luck! Love, Titus
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 66
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Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:53:02 PM
Most people aren't perfect and have encountered times when they wanted a second chance from someone else. I had a falling out with a friend several years ago and it might have been easier just to never speak to her again but our kids went to school together so I forgave what she did and she wound up saving my life, literally.

But I don't do things for what I might potentially get out of them and seriously, what do you get out of cutting things off permanently? If you liked them enough to have a relationship, I don't see why you need to treat them as if they have leprosy later. Sometimes people just don't click romantically, doesn't make them a bad person.

Similarly, sometimes we can't see things when in a relationship that seem pretty obvious once we are out of it and people can and do grow and if they try things again later find that the stuff that they fought about is no longer a problem because the underlying issues have been acknowledged and dealt with.

When you adhere so strictly to this type of rule, you are not only avoiding potential future pain but also possibly a great deal of joy.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 67
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Second chances?
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:56:42 PM
I don't usually do second chances, mostly because I've spent some time making up my mind before a break up, so it's not a big emotional upheaval followed by regret. By that time, I have mentally already moved on.
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 69
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Second chances?
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:54:50 AM
If it's asking for a date, I may or may not try again after being shot down the first time. But for things that really matter, I would not ask for or give a second chance. And relationship is one of those things that really matters.

When I commit to someone, I am all-in. It would take monumental failures in the other person's part for me to call it quits. And if someone breaks up with me (for whatever reason), I take that decision as final. Breaking up is the end, now and forever.

This is not so much a rule more than a personal conclusion of gauging risks versus rewards. Sure, sometimes a second chance with the same person will end up being the best thing that can ever happen, but the downside is that it will be twice as disheartening to fail the second time around. For not only would I have gone backward and relive the heartache all over again, but to know that I have not learned anything from the mistakes of the last go around would be downright depressing. Some risks are worth taking, like making a relationship work with someone new, and some risks are not worth taking, like trying to rekindle an old flame.

If someone knows whether they stand with you, it's much easier in a relationship.

They know they don't have the benefit of a second chance after you've broken up.

I quite agree with the OP on this. There are consequences to everything we do, in every action we take. We all make mistakes and if we are smart enough to realize and learn from our mistakes, may be we'd regret what we have done and wish for a second chance to make amend. But life seldom offers second chances, and perhaps it's better that way. We may as well accept that we only have one shot at everything we do and if we miss, those are meant to be lessons for us to learn from. In the context of love and relationships, we learn about ourselves from the ones that got away. Hopefully, that knowledge will help us form better and healthier relationship with the next person that comes in our life.
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 74
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Second chances?
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:20:28 PM
Not everyone can give second chances, and that's their choice
Not everyone deserves them or understands the value of the gift
Joined: 9/8/2009
Msg: 75
Second chances?
Posted: 11/10/2009 5:26:58 AM
Well yes, it depends on what you are talking about. If he cheated on me, then that's completely different than if he told me a little white lie that he had to work late when he went out with the guys. I mean depends on what he did?
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 82
Second chances?
Posted: 11/22/2009 8:21:27 PM

Ummm anyone know what happened to the op of this thread? The person they have showing is not the original op of this thread.

That's interesting. Looks like all the OP's posts were eliminated from this thread, but not from the site.
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