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 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 8
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Starting a family aged 50+Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
i adopted my teens at age 50, my ex was 45. they were 10 1/2, 12 and 13 when we started. it was very hard. but our wisdom was to a greater degree than a younger person could have handled. my ex first wanted younger kids, but when he thought it out to the later years, he agreed. that being said, some kids in foster care will have no parents. many older parents adopt very sick babies. it depends on the situation. many of today's kids are on food stamps and at the poverty level--kids having kids and often single moms. many have no dads from the getgo. is that any better? nowadays, it takes a VILLAGE for sure!
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 14
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:28:04 AM
i think you are focusing on your personal loss. others who have had younger dysfunctional parents, have focused on lack of "any" father. if you did have a good relationship, what would he answer to your face if you said why did you have me at your age? my guess is that he loved your mom very greatly? they wanted an expression of that love? would you rather him say, in retrospect, you should never have been born?

there is a theoretical world and a world of love and chaos, so to speak. out of chaos comes order. maybe ffs would share what her daughter thinks. mine mourn two parents and both were alive when i adopted them. we all ask why, whatever the situation. but the fact is we are given props and situations in this life and then are expected to live and learn. you might have a baby younger. but in your race to have her, perhaps you picked the wrong father. not wishing it on you, but what if your divorce did your kids a disservice? should you say to your child, that you wish s/he were never born?

it is the aggregate of all humanity that is important. the mix of marrieds, singles, older parents, younger parents, different religions, races, politics , et al that contribute to a societal balance. just make sure that you look beyond self, beyond birth family and out into "community" and make this a better place for perhaps a little boy who has lost his mom. try "big sister" and make your experience mean something. that is what my kids have concluded. one helped a young man from iraq with his post trauma. she explained what happened was not nice for her, but it made her stronger and has given her a new mission--she is now pre-law to go out onto the streets and help the underdog.

use your life to energize you, versus deplete you due to "loss". we all have non stop losses and grieving is a part of living.

or, are you just complaining because "some" men like younger woman and would consider children? pleasssssssseeeee. there's enough for everyone with the full range of attractions.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 24
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:00:05 AM
I was born when my parents were 39...Im 50 and my mom is runnin circles around me...my father died when i was 26...I dont think it was selfish at all...Im really glad they had me!
 Mrpbody44
Joined: 10/21/2009
Msg: 28
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:04:17 AM
I love having kids and wanted more kids. After our daughter was born my wife lost all interest sex. No sex no kids. No sex no relationship so I left. I tend to date younger women 27-35 so I want to give them that option.
 DaveInMableton
Joined: 6/2/2008
Msg: 30
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:25:49 AM
My father was in his late 40's when I was born. Growing up, as a teenager, was hard as he was a lot older than my friend's fathers and could not do many things like pay football with us, etc. He then died when I was 22, which made it very difficult on me.

As a result, I made the decision to have kids early and married a women with a 5 year old when I was 22. She is 30 now and we have a great relationship!!

So, yes I do agree with the OP that it does make it harder on the children as he chances of an older parent dieing when you are still young are much higher due to age.
 Brownlady1953
Joined: 12/12/2008
Msg: 36
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:34:11 AM
My former brother-in-law has five children, by two different wives. Their ages are 36, 35, 10, 12, and 2. He's 56. My oldest niece and nephew (the 36 and 35 year old), feel very much like they will be the ones to end up raising the younger ones (especially the two year old), as their father's health declines. That is really unfair to the younger children, and unfair to the older children, because the 35 year old has a wife and two daughters of his own, and the 36 year old would like to start her own family -- but not if she is "too old."
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 37
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/5/2009 7:40:54 AM
Op I was 48 when I started online dating...at that time I met some really nice 39 to 45 year olds who never had kids, been married and for whatever reason didnt have them...I didnt pry.

After talking to these men most would eventually say how much they would love to be a father...since I was looking for long term I didnt see a match since I cant have kids...one of the men I really really liked and he lived here locally. About six months later I get a message from a 56 year old woman who is asking me how I know him cause I commented on his myspace. I told her what a nice guy he was but that I felt I would be unfair to ask him to give up having kids since I cant have any. She told me that she could still have them and would if things worked out between them. My personal feelings on it are just that personal feelings. I recognized that while we are a forum that allows people to express opinions at times we forget the toes we might be steppin on by doing so.

The 8th will be my daughter's Joyce 9th birthday, she had a very rare birth defect and only lived for 45 minutes. We can all play devil's advocate and say what we think happened but at the beginning they told me I was AMA...(against medical advice, per one nurse but really means Advance Maternal Age). We found out at 16 weeks about the birth defect and they tried to get us to abort but for personal reason we chose to allow her the right to live as long as she could. The doctor's office told me two weeks before she was born they had a 19 year old who's baby had the same rare birth defect.

I have never regretted that decision or the decision to have her. She inspired me by her fight for those 9 months to live long enough to be born and allow each of her family to hold her that when I found out I had cancer I made it thru cause how could I give up after watching her fight.

The point is that life is uncertain..but that is life...no matter who your parents are or who your children are...life is the important part!
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 40
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/5/2009 8:11:06 AM

Again the issue is not about love, i do not deny or disagree with the fact that older parents with young kids share love, or that during their years on earth the older parent is not a good parent, the arguement is about longevity. Is it fair to bring kids into the world knowing you will die of old age before they are mature.


Define mature? Then look around at all the grandparents raising kids cause their kids are in jail, on drugs, drunk etc....seriously in a perfect world where we could order what we want as a life then you have a valid rationale...but in the real world no one knows what will happen next so you are saying stuff that just isnt true.

No two people are the same...but I would rather have as a father a man who is 50, settled, loving who can show me so much about life than a 18 or 19 year old who is my father cause he knocked up some girl...really who do you think would make a better parent.

I know a guy who is 29 who just got out of jail...he has a 13 year old daughter....(he killed a guy in a gang related fight and got 13 years in jail for the death...she never met her father until a month ago...the mother has married, moved out of Miami to escape things there and had this guy track her down and demand to see his child.) He is now selling drugs on the streets in knoxville so I am sure it wont be long before he is back in jail...but hey he was young when he had her!

It isnt the age...it's the person and what they are willing to put into being a father...there is no right or wrong answers....only personal ones.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 47
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:24:26 PM
This, once again, seems to me to be one of those situations where because the OP wouldn't do something, no one else should either. Point of fact: we are all different from each other; our wants, needs, desires are all different. And *no one* is able to predict the future.

I'm the eldest of 9 kids. Our family consists of the first six, and then a break, then three more. While the first six of us were growing up, my dad was exceptionally busy, starting and trying to keep a business alive. For the last three, less so: the business had gone bankrupt, and he was in school and then employed at a nine to five job. Perhaps he had some sense that he was going to die early (55), but he spent enormously more time with what he called his "little family" than he had with the rest of us. They didn't have him as long, but the got a lot more face time with him than the older ones ever had. The little family was 5, 7, and 9 when he died. I was 24, and it was too early for me.

So young parents are peppier, but may be too occupied to BE good parents. . . . Perhaps they should rethink their priorities? Are they *really* good for their children? They're impatient, know very little about the needs of other human beings, and are very arrogant about what they *think* they know. Maybe there should be a law that NO ONE should have children before the age of 35. . . .

My general observation about the human race: they wish they had whatever they did not have ~~ if they were raised in a church, they wish they hadn't been; if they were not raised in a church, they wish they had (my son, lol!). If they were raised rich, they envy the freedom of the poor kids (who didn't have to wear shoes and carry handkerchiefs). If poor, they believe their lives were tainted because they had no pony. . . . Why was I forced to sit still while my mother read stories vs. *MY* mother never read to me (whine). I'm sure the shrinks amongst us could add many many more objections to parents, no matter what they did, lol!

 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 49
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/5/2009 12:35:50 PM

So young parents are peppier, but may be too occupied to BE good parents. . . . Perhaps they should rethink their priorities? Are they *really* good for their children? They're impatient, know very little about the needs of other human beings, and are very arrogant about what they *think* they know. Maybe there should be a law that NO ONE should have children before the age of 35. . . .


I usually enjoy your posts, but this one was rather disappointing.
The question was starting a family at aged 50+...and the pros and cons.
Surely you are not suggesting that people who choose to start families
at a younger age are somehow less qualified? I've been around long
enough to know that not everyone that reaches the age of 50 manages
to do so with all the qualities you feel the younger people lack.

When to have a family is a personal decision. It's not right or wrong
or black and white.

But of course that is just my opinion.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 53
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:11:30 PM
Ah. Boo ~~ no, that isn't what I was suggesting, lol! That was *supposed* to be ironic; obviously, I missed. What I *wanted* to say was what you DID say: When to have a family is a personal decision. It's not right or wrong or black and white.

 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 55
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:37:52 PM
i think ffs has given you a good example. however, one parent, was younger and there is a history of living longer in her family. we all need to think out of the box.

so OP, do i think that one or two parents should be having babies at a way older age, or chose to give birth at 60? no, i do not. unless there is someone in that family who is prepared to take the full load should the older person expire. remember, this is world where artificial insemination is now a daily occurence. but still, there are always exceptions and i do believe that sometimes the universe wants a particular child to be born. that is part of that child's mission. but no, i would not have a baby at my age, although if i hadn't already adopted my three teens and the choice was to a "baby" rot in an institution, then yes, in a hearbeat. but, i'd have to figure out the future for the child as well.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 57
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/5/2009 2:44:39 PM
I started relatively late on having kids, and if anything, I regret not having started earlier so that my brood would now be larger than it is today. I can't see any reason not to have kids when you want and can manage it, at whatever age. If anything, being older is a help because you have the ability to provide a better economic life style for them, but even without that, I would never regret any part of the experience.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 59
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:03:46 PM
knocking 70 with say a 15 year old there will undeniably be serious energy and attitude differences

OPie, you seem to be suffering a bit from hardening of the attitudes, lol! I'm "knocking" 70, and have mentored a local girl, who at 14, thought I wuz the coolest thang since sliced bread. And so did her buds. We used to hang at the local bowling alley.

Let me repeat: every blessed one of us is different! Some have serious energy deficits at 30, and attitude differences in their twenties. My guess is that those who think of having babies over fifty have assessed their pluses and minuses. What kids *need* is love and understanding. Period. That's available at any age. Parents in wheelchairs are possible at any age, as are those with blocked minds/compassion/understanding.

 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 63
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/5/2009 3:31:08 PM

Parenthood is one the least selfish acts, if done with love.


Well, either that or one of the most selfish acts. Kids are about the ultimate present you can give yourself, and quite an ego trip when you realize you are reproducing yourself for another generation.......
 almost_elvis
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 66
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/5/2009 5:53:23 PM
Having been childless all my life in a geographic location which has the world's highest rate of tubal ligation, two years ago I asked an IVF clinic about paternity over 50. I got a long answer which included the following statement:


"We now know that the age of fathers can also contribute to the risk of Down syndrome. In the most revealing study on this topic to date reported in the June 2003 issue of The Journal of Urology, Fisch and his colleagues found the father's age played a significant role when both parents were over 35 at the time of conception. The effect was most pronounced when the woman was over 40. In those cases, says Fisch, "We found the incidence of Down syndrome is related to sperm approximately 50% of the time."

Men who have a child after 50 also have a much greater chance (1 in 11) that the child will be autistic compared to a younger father.

The clinic went on to say:


"It's well documented by the infertility clinics in the USA (http://pregnancy-and-parenting-after-40.com/CDC_DE_Stats.aspx) that IVF outcomes using their own eggs in women over 45 is dismal. However, the outcomes for women using donor eggs show that the outcome is the same as for a woman the same age as the donor. By using donor egg and sperm (or donor embryos if they're available [they're frequently less available]), you and your partner could have a reasonable expectation of having a healthy, normal child in your lives within a short period of time."

If an older man can find a much younger woman (Michael Douglas, David Letterman, Paul McCartney), the outcome is more encouraging. The same may be almost as true for an older woman who finds a much younger man.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 70
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:59:34 AM
I think if you really truely want to be a parent chooseing to do it at 50 is a huge step . It can be done and I don't buy that most people will be to infirm to parent a child into their 70's if they choose to. I have seen too many older parents do a great job.

Kids need a lot of energy and patience. Especially when they are little . Even more so if you adopt a child who is older. Many have significant problems that not only take tons of patience but massive amounts of money.

I do think if you are going to have a child expecting that someone else will be the nanny every time you want to go doing what many people do in their 50+ years then it is pretty selfish. Also expecting that your friends who have completed their parenting years are going to want to do and instant replay isn't realistic.

I also don't think it is a good idea just to have or adopt a child for your spouse unless you also want to be a fully vested parent yourself. Kids will know and be very hurt by it. A child feeling unwanted can make homelife miserable any number of ways.

Since many families find themself sandwiched between dependent children and parents (which is hugely harder and lasts longer in many cases) that is a consideration. The idea that long term care insurance is going to cover the costs I believe is highly unlikely.

Would I date a man with children? It would depend a lot on how he and the child accepted me into the co-parenting role. I would not tolerate being anything short of and equal if a serious relationship actually occured.

Since I could not support a child on my own at this age I would not consider adopting one myself unless my spouse had significant resources to place in trust for a child.

I would not dream of attempting pregnancy at 55. Since it has not been possible for 30 yrs. I certainly would not go to the extream of having a surrogate at this stage of my life having an empty nest for a decade. Once you get used to it you really like it. I would much rather spoil a spouse than a child.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 71
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:14:05 AM
pitbull pete and pacific star, re adoption:

this may vary by state and by country, however in CA there are adoption monies to help you raise an adopted child or children. there is also free college education for some. the child's choice is often to rot in a group home or to live with an endless stream of foster parents, who are not investigated to the degree of an adoptive parent. many do this for the money and they try to be careful and weed them out. for us, it was a blessing to have the extra money to provide extra tutoring, special events, camp, et al.

also, with adoption, special needs assistance is often forthcoming, as is individual and family therapy.

so, if there is a will--there is a way.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 77
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/8/2009 8:59:26 AM

I've noticed alot of the 50+ males say on their profiles that they want kids, am i alone in thinking thats selfish?

I actually do think it's pretty selfish. I see that on alot of 50+ profiles - and alot of them have "no" in the "do you have kids?" field.

This kind of says to me that some of these guys were a little too busy enjoying their lives and didn't want to be burdened with children. Now they're in their 50's and suddenly looking past their own noses for the first time in 50 years and are feeling deprived because they won't have a legacy to leave behind once they're gone. Of course, in order to achieve this late-in-life miracle, they'll have to date a 30-something because I don't think too many women 40+ are anxious to have a baby.

I've also been contacted by tons of 49+ year old gentlemen who had LITTLE kids - and I mean, 4 and 5 year olds. NO WAY.

Lastly, I also think it's very selfish for a 50+ year old man to be looking to have kids this late in life because he'll be 70+ years old at his own kid's graduation. I've read numerous stories over the years from child born to late-in-life parents - and the majority of them felt 'gypped' because their elderly parents simply weren't able to do with them what younger parents would have been able to do.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 79
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/8/2009 4:54:07 PM
LOL! Well, you can hardly expect them to tell the truth now can you? They can't really put on there that they don't want kids and expect to find that 22 yr old wife they're looking for!
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 85
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/9/2009 6:41:59 AM
Lots of people in the world think nothing of a male marrying in his 40s or 50s or even later to a woman who is still fertile for the specific purpose of having kids. Traditionally, older males with established social and financial position were regarded as targets for the marriage of the daughters of families, and its still that way in more traditional cultures where the economics and social status of marriage arrangements remain important. What many in the West look upon as "exploitation", "sexual slavery", and basically anti-female is considered perfectly normal in most parts of the world.

Where you are politically is the root of the issue. Nothing in biology says you have to reproduce with someone with 5 years of your age. Its just a preference. Having a family later in life has a lot of benefits, and the only age related issue on the biological front is the one that affects women through menopause. That is not the fault of men. If you want a family, and can find a willing and able partner, go for it. The only difference between those who do have families and those that don't, is that those that don't don't have families.
 almost_elvis
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 87
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/9/2009 7:21:44 AM
I held out for 20 years waiting for that perverbial younger fertile career woman who would want to start her family with me. Then at age 53, I used the powerful search engine of a local dating site which showed clearly that the vast majority of women in their early forties did not want to (re)start a family.

This revelation allowed me to finally throw in the towel and soon after I found happiness with a woman with adult children. After the resulting common law marriage failed and I was newly single, I asked myself one last time at age 57 if I still foolishly wanted to look for a younger fertile woman. I even had an offer from a 42 year old woman who at the time was unsuccessfully undergoing artificial insemination.

Once I read the information about older dads creating a high risk for autism (see my post number 66), I realized that my fertility days were over even though the plumbing was still working.

But if I the genetic risks were not there for a man my age nor a woman in her forties, I think I might have just gone for it at age 57. My dad recently turned 95 and my mom 92 and my retirement income is higher than the average 35 year old male's salary. Touch wood.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 88
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/9/2009 7:33:23 AM
What with the "Great Depression" and WW II, my parents could not even think of family formation until into their 40s. There is all kinds of information out there today about the risks associated with older parents, but if you toss yourself into that pot, you will never do anything. There are always risks when having children, but if you are healthy, your parents were or are healthy, and you find a woman that is of similar construction, then by paying attention to making sure that she is healthy and booze, tobacco and drug free during the pregnancy you probably will produce a healthy child.

You could end up with a problem kid, but fear is no reason in itself to deprive yourself of the pleasure of a family life. Along with all the fear of risk information out there there is also a lot of medical diagnostic information that gives you warning and a lot of choice if you wish to take it.

Remember, when it comes to risk, getting into your car and driving to WalMart is about the most hazardous thing you can ever do. Its a lot safer to be in the Army in Afghanistan.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 89
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/9/2009 7:40:51 AM

Lastly, I also think it's very selfish for a 50+ year old man to be looking to have kids this late in life because he'll be 70+ years old at his own kid's graduation. I've read numerous stories over the years from child born to late-in-life parents - and the majority of them felt 'gypped' because their elderly parents simply weren't able to do with them what younger parents would have been able to do.


Well, none of my kids are able to keep up with me. The only thing I don't do that a younger parent might do is play video games 24/7 with them (aside, or course, from POF, which is a kind of video game). Kids these days spend so much time online, that they are mostly so out of shape that its easy to out pace them in any sort of physical activity.

The trouble with anecdotal evidence is that its very selective. For every case brought up by one person, there are a few dozen contrary cases that can be cited by another person.

In general, I would not worry much about not being able to keep up with kids. I would worry more about finding a woman that could and would keep up with me.....
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 91
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/9/2009 7:48:02 AM
People want what they want, and as long as it's not harming someone else, why not? Some older men may just really enjoy family life, or love children even if they already have some. If they haven't had any, it can be a drive just as it is for most women - they just have the option to do so later in life.

Personally, I'd rather be castrated with a blunt spoon than have more children at this point in my life!
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