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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?      Home login  
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 ValkyrieHJR
Joined: 8/8/2009
Msg: 8
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?Page 1 of 26    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26)
I have to agree. I won't initiate, usually. I will return calls, messages, etc. But I figure if a man is interested in me, he'll let me know. For me, it's a little bit of my upbringing and a little bit shyness.

Now once a relationship as developed, whether friends or other, I have no problem calling or messaging or anything like that. But as far as the initial contact goes, I guess I'm a little old fashioned..... :)
 curiousaboutu77
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 16
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IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:45:25 AM
I think that the games between men and women will never end and for this reason, the dating world will never be boring. Who pays for the first date? who calls first? what does it mean if a woman sits on a 45 degree angle? etc etc etc. It is a sign that our creator has a wonderful sense of humor.
 soflnighteagle
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 20
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:47:32 AM
If a woman is hot she can do anything and still get a man. Truth most women can do just about what ever they want and get a man but it may not be the man they want, and that is the crux of the whole thing. The main reason women don't chase after men is because they are afraid of rejection, this whole thing about men not liking aggressive women is just a way for women to blame the guy if he isn't interested. It's not that he just isn't into you, it's that he is afraid of aggresive women. Could you imagine if men decided that the reason women turn them down is because we tried to initiate a relationship and seemed easy, so all men just stopped asking women out? I guess one of the biggest differences between men and women is that we are mature enough to know that if a woman says no it is because she doesn't want to go out with us, not because of some stupid rule about looking too easy. Girls if a guy doesn't like you it is because you just don't do it for him, it has nothing to do with how easy you seem.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 21
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IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 4:53:39 AM
This is why there is still traction out there for the old notion that not everyone should be taught to read.
Take the book away from her, chop it up, pour lighter fluid on it, then burn it. Wait for several dogs to come and urinate or poop on the ashes, then dig a hole, and put it all in there. Explain to her that this is the CORRECT way to deal with all such dating advice books.
 Strings6
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 22
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IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 5:44:57 AM
Whenwillthis work26.....i realize your observations are based on a women's point of veiw but free,easy women who are only a phone call away is not the experience of alot of American men.I have the bad habit of being attracted to attractive women,and for the most part they are anything but free and easy,and alot of them are sexually inhibited,unresponsive and anything but kinky...thinking that their looks,like always,is enough.

The bad treatment you speak of most often comes from alot of women's bad habit of being attracted to machismo...some guy comes swaggering in like Clint Eastwood or John Wayne and they get all a flutter...this same man treats them badly and they take it because he's so...."confident" The real expression of confidence comes from a quiet respectful, due unto others kind of attitude...not some macho,loud mouth blowhard.

The fact is both men and women are responsable for the state of affairs between men and women in America today.
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 26
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:30:11 AM
I show interest by calling/inviting him out, but I won't be "chasing"/"over aggressive".

I think a man wants to feel that the woman is interested.
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 29
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IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:57:49 AM
Honestly...this stuff drives me nuts. Why can't we just be who we are and do what we want? And why do women say - oh my what if he doesn't like me, I may feel rejected and foolish...good lord!!! So that's ok for men but God forbid you may take that chance? And - is your ego so fragile it wouldn't withstand a polite "no thanks"?

Beam me up Scotty - there's no intelligent life here.
 startle
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 30
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 7:09:50 AM
if a female has any kind of sex appeal...she is being pursued plenty...if you want her but you drop the ball..sorry, your tough luck...gee, but it is so hard having to call and all that....well, that's the way it goes...the lady has a gaggle of guys...who are brave enough to call...so go to the back of the line....
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 35
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 7:58:19 AM

pursued by men who want nothing but SEX, men with raging hard ons, hit & runners .....
But decent men...

Well, damn, aren't there any decent men with raging hard-ons?

Okay, to topic... what I see, in pretty much Any Given Developed Society, is that women generally start things up anyway, we're just more likely than men to do it indirectly. We engage, men approach, we hit it off or don't. And for the most part it works very well this way. If it ain't broke... you all know the rest.

I think what the advice book was talking about is probably more a matter of pursuing someone without having had the aforementioned exchange, which, as handsoflove said, is usually an exercise in futility, especially when it's female pursuing male. And, satirical exaggeration aside, it's also true that women like for it to be evident that we are desired right off, while men tend to be more comfortable with this only once in an established involvement.

Whether these things are anthropological or sociological in nature, or both, I leave to the experts, and it may not be relevant anyway. But that, very generally speaking, they are, is readily observable.
 startle
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 37
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:03:12 AM
bad*monkeyfunker...sexual attraction is a major part of the whole scenario....decent men have sexual needs as well...in fact, there is not a real difference between these two broad categories...men and decent men....there are a lot of variables besides...decent and not...in other words, men are men....this label men put on themselves is just a smokescreen...i say..show me the proof you are so decent...
 CheezyChick
Joined: 9/23/2009
Msg: 38
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:08:34 AM
Only if he doesn't want to be caught....same goes for men chasing women...
 startle
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 41
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:23:23 AM
bad*monkeyfunker..how many men have you dated..in other words, all you know about it is what the men tell you about themselves...i date men...i have experience in this...so if you want to know about men...ask someone who knows...don't believe what they tell you about themselves...that is just what they want people to believe about them...as i said before...men are men...
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 43
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:28:28 AM
Personally I think if either party pursues, the other end isn't THAT interested. Showing interest is better than chasing - if you're chasing the other person has to be running.

I do believe there's nothing wrong with breaking the ice as a woman, making conversation, smiling, acting interested and even letting a guy know you think he's cute indirectly before disengaging.

From there all you can do is move on. If he's into you he'll take the next step and make sure he can find you again, or he'll show interest in return. If he doesn't, he's either not available, or not interested.

I think what she should be getting from the book is that if it's entirely one sided it won't work...there has to be reciprocation, not just agreement. That goes for men too. Men shouldn't do all the work either - a woman has to also make an effort.
 tnt144
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 44
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:56:54 AM

IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/5/2009 1130 PM
Or even initiate the relationship because he might lose interest without the challenge/chase?

A friend of mine told me she read a book that said women should never ask men out, call men , show men they care in the beginning of the relationship or act in an aggressive fashion because it takes away the challenge for a man.


- That is nonsense. You mean to tell me that if a nice, beautiful women pursued a man, he would not want to kiss her, at least in most cases?! Do you smell what I'm cooking?!

Come on guys, this is just common sense.

The truth is, this was a woman's opinion. Women often know a lot about relationships, but where the best of them falter is understanding the differences between men and women. Ironically, some women think men want a challenge because, in reality, women want a challenge. Think about it... when dating, when both people like each other, which one, the man or the woman, wants to talk and ask questions and interview more, and which one wants to just shut up and get it on first?!


Seriously... you people know the answer to this.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 45
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IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 9:35:07 AM

...but where the best of them falter is understanding the differences between men and women. Ironically, some women think men want a challenge because, in reality, women want a challenge.

I think you're exactly right about the projection thing going on, and not working.

Like a Zen Koan, men who get women don't need them and don't want them. They aren't pretending. They don't want them and they don't need them.

Women look at the behavior of such men, the ones who are most desirable and who they want most, and think the same thing will work for them, that it will make men want them more, which it won't because guys interpret disinterest as, well, disinterest (i.e., literally and at face value). Guys don't have the vanity to look at a woman minding her own business and paying him no attention whatseover and say to themselves "She wants me. She wants me bad!".
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 47
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:16:07 AM
I have never had a problem initiating contact with a man and very few seem to have a problem with it. Most of the men I've known have been flattered by the attention.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 48
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:29:10 AM
Geez, I dunno. The only man I see pursued me, well, he pursued me in the beginning. Now it's pretty even. He pursues me and I pursue him back. If there is mutual interest, for me, it's mutual pursuing. I don't get into any of these silly rules, guidelines, and or other silliness that seems to complicate something that really shouldn't be complicated. JMO
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 49
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:33:56 AM
I've pursued men before. Why not? If you see someone that you find attractive, and want to talk to, then why not pursue?

I suppose some women still believe that men should do all of the pursuing, but I don't see anything wrong with taking the first step. For all anyone knows, something good could come out of it.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 52
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IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:13:11 AM

Personally I think if either party pursues, the other end isn't THAT interested. Showing interest is better than chasing - if you're chasing the other person has to be running.


Give this girl a prize. Brilliant post.

I'll disagree somewhat, though part of this could hinge on the semantics surrounding exactly what's meant by "pursuing", "showing interest", and "chasing".

The fact is, if someone with a value on the mating market of 4 wants a 7 they're going to have to do the "pursuing" and "chasing". The 7 just isn't gonna go after the 4 with anything other than a very brief and casual hit and run approach, and even then that's only likely to happen rarely.

If the 4 merely "shows interest", it's not going to go anywhere 99 times out of 100. It doesn't matter whether the 4 is the man and the 7 is the woman, or the other way around. Almost by definition, the person with the higher value is going to pull back a little bit (the "running" part) because they instinctively know they can do better.

What's wrong with those rules type books is that they try and flatter the woman purchaser by telling her she's a 10, which she most likely isn't. (HJNTIY goes further by making all guys out to be zeroes, but that doesn't change the basic ordering, only its magnitude.) The problem with the average woman, who is by definition a 5, is that she too often wants to be pursued by an 8 or a 10 the way a 2 or a 3 would, which isn't gonna happen no matter how much she holds out or believes it's his job to do so or that it's in his inherent nature to be the pursuer/chaser -- it isn't, because the behavior depends on the relative values of the two people involved, not their genders.

Obviously, things are going to go in the direction of more mutual and equal pursuing when the two people are more or less at the same relative value level, give or take its inevitable slight variation owing to individual taste. The best that can happen is for both parties to over-estimate the value of the other. It can happen, but I think it does so rarely.

Long story short, if a woman demands a man pursue her, she needs to be content always dating below her level, because that's who's going to pursue her. This is one of the reasons women so often seem to end up with jerks and losers. If they want a great guy, the odds are very great they're going to have to go after him, and not just by "showing interest". Same as for men if they want a really great gal.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 53
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:27:22 AM
I'll disagree somewhat, though part of this could hinge on the semantics surrounding exactly what's meant by "pursuing", "showing interest", and "chasing".

No problem; in my case it means:

Chasing - going after someone to the point where it's relentless and uncomfortable, regardless of the other person's interest. I believe you even put off interested parties with this approach.

Pursuing - continually trying to impress someone you're interested in without knowledge of mutual interest....brings you a lot of people who'll go along with it cause they like the attention but may not reciprocate - if you required them to.

Showing interest - letting someone know you have interest and then stepping back and allowing them to respond (or not).

I prefer the last option because as a woman, I never appreciated being pursued or chased by a man - in both cases I've never encountered a man who cared if I was actually interested. In order to pursue me, it's almost certain that I don't know I want to be caught - so the interest tends to be one sided.

Carry on.
 OLIZAY
Joined: 5/4/2007
Msg: 55
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:35:42 AM
As a man I'd love for a woman to pursue, let's me know she is interested. Any guy who says he wouldn't want that is full of crap. All the chasing and pursuing men do, it'd be nice to have a woman pursue.
 startle
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 56
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:39:14 AM
bad*monkeyfunker....we were discussing men in general and their attitudes and actions...not you...you freely admit you are not decent....however, you are under the mistaken believe there is this body of righteous gentlemen who we women should pursue...these men are different....honorable and trustworthy......i say again....show me the proof.....
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 57
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:49:18 AM
A woman "shouldn't" pursue a man? I'm all for a woman pursuing, as in the one to initiate demonstrating interest or asking out. I'm more interested in the reasons why a woman shouldn't in this day and age. I thought we were no longer living in the days of suitors leaving calling cards at the front door and chaperones for women until they were married. If we shouldn't because it's not deemed "lady-like", there's a good chance she's going to be TOO "lady-like" in other aspects of a relationship and have too many other rules with respect to hard and fast gender specific roles. I hate rules as much as I hate roles.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 58
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IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:34:55 PM
as kids, men did the dance of shame (coined by a male friend of mine), walking back across the dance floor after being rejected. i never thought about this. i was the wallflower longing to be asked. recently, some of my male friends have brought this up. i have also heard that some men think that women hold some sort of "power". i find this strange.

women have more bonding hormone, in preparation for childbearing. so, they have tended to bond, along with their sexuality. in today's times, it's supposed to be more acceptable to be sexual just for sexuality's sake. still, there is a range amongst both men and women.

yes, there are numerous books written for women which say not to "pursue" a man. i'm not sure that means not to make the first contact though. there are also many courses and books telling men how to pursue women however.

i wouldn't get in such a snit about it. people who are game players, will play games no matter who contacts who first. however, there are genuine people who try to behave in a way that "works". not everyone is about evil. personally, i have learned to back off some and see if the man is interested in me. however, that also could be said for the men. the bottom line is that you need to see some sort of flow between two people. some of the old fashioned chivalrous stuff is rather nice. however, the women also do things to nurture the male, while he is in hunt/provide mode. so economically, it can be fair. i haven't read his stuff yet, but another pof'er claims that a man named deida, writes some good books about how to balance all this out.

 SexySize2
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 60
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IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:04:07 PM
Gosh every guy I have asked this question always answers it the same way!!! I would love a woman to pursue me...but when it comes down to becoming serious with that person...they also answer the same way...well, now that I think about it, none of these women initiating relationships have ever lasted into something more serious. Of course I am sure there are always exceptions to every rule...but thats what my chitchat with guy friends has come up with!!!!
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