Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How Many Of You Are Doing This?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Vic32
Joined: 8/24/2007
Msg: 1
How Many Of You Are Doing This?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Ok, so I read this pretty interesting article by Chelsea Kaplan titled "Think Your Love Life Stinks?" One section of it caught my eye, because I'm finding that more and more people, including myself, are committing this error or taking it to an unrealistic extreme with anything resembling a minor flaw as a so called "Red Flag."

Here's the section of the article:

Unlucky dating pattern #3: Seeking only your one perfect match.

If you tend to dismiss partners when you find something “wrong” with them, you may have a history of letting pickiness overshadow possibilities. “Creating a great relationship is less about finding the right person and more about letting someone be the right person,” Cohen explains. “Every potential partner has great qualities, along with traits that you find unattractive. The more you focus on what you love, or could love, the more you bring those positive qualities forth. The more you zero in on the person’s deficits, the more you bring those forth. Create a fabulous partner by magnifying what is, rather than criticizing what isn’t.”

If you are trying to discern between being “too picky” or simply “selective,” he suggests asking yourself if the trait in your partner that you are questioning is minor or major. Are the other qualities of your partner attractive enough that, on balance, you can overlook it? Or is this trait something that could undermine everything else? It’s also helpful, he says, to look at your patterns over time. “If you have tended to be picky, picky, picky, it may time to be open, open, open,” he says. At the same time, if you have had relationships tank because you were not selective enough, it’s time to exercise some discernment.

You can read the full article here:
http://www.match.com/magazine/article0.aspx?articleid=11380

It's not just this article, but I've believed for quite a while that we live in an age where "Perfection" is crammed down our throats by the media or whatnot so much that a lot of us have become so picky that we let a lot of good people bypass us. Perhaps, this is one of the reasons why singles in America have risen so sharply the last decade or two and why sites like these hardly ever work?
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 2
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:27:41 PM
If flaws were red-flags, I'd be a nation with more state flags flying than the entire US. I get so sick of all the red-flag labeling. What is an issue for me, might not be for someone else, likewise, what someone finds concerning about me (quirk, issue or whatever) might be someone else's ideal. (Yes, there are the obvious things to be concerned about and aware, but come on ~ we're ALL screwed up/red-flagged in some way.) JMO
 Vic32
Joined: 8/24/2007
Msg: 3
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:37:37 PM
Hahaha....it was free article I found on the internet...not a self-help book, and I wouldn't pay for information like that. Also, I never said that I didn't see any red flags. I see quite a bit of them, and, of course, like everyone else, I have my standards as well.

As for being selective...who isn't? I've already admitted being selective. However, is there a fine line between being selective and being way too selective.
 joemac356
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 4
view profile
History
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:43:52 PM
In other word(s): settle.
 NappyKAT
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 5
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:48:46 PM
I noticed in our younger years we are so open when it comes to dating and relationships. Many of us give little thought to character and personality and just go with the flow and the fun of dating and have (possible) serial relationships.

Then the older we get, we get more sure of what we want and want to avoid and we start to develop these standards and lists to which we measure potential dates and suitors. Then we wind up disappointed because few people can measure up to those standards. We grow old, start to get desperate and make mistakes about character and personality because we are unsure what to compromise on or how.


Creating a great relationship is less about finding the right person and more about letting someone be the right person,”....“Every potential partner has great qualities, along with traits that you find unattractive. The more you focus on what you love, or could love, the more you bring those positive qualities forth....
I can agree with this. It makes sense. And it goes along with what I said above. People don't seem to know the diff between 'settle' and 'compromise.' I don't see myself every settling, but I'll sure I'll have to compromise at some point and don't have a problem with it.


I really like self-help books, but I was never interested in self-help dating books.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 6
view profile
History
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:55:39 PM

In other word(s): settle.

I was waiting for the "S" word to show up...

Yes, match.com's business is way down, so naturally they're going to start encouraging people to settle because it increases their revenue.
 Puppydog54
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 7
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 12:59:10 PM
The part about LETTING someone be a good mate rather than obsessing about FINDING a good mate..... very good point! I think I need to do that...
 roseyn
Joined: 5/25/2009
Msg: 8
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:07:32 PM
I used to be like that but I stopped and I'm much happier now. Its ok to have standards but it's also good to be able to accept a person for who they are and see the good in them even if one or 2 things are off. Seeing the bigger picture is much more fulfilling than dwelling on little details.
 NappyKAT
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 9
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:33:17 PM

The self help section of book stores are bigger than the science and thinking person sections. Should be the complete opposite.
Really? And what's wrong with self-help? Self help is about self-reflection, introspection, and self-improvement. Much easier to do and to read than one on metaphysics, aerodynamics, energy conversion, biochemistry, biotechnology, finite and linear math, electronics, electricity, psychology, sociology, and the like.

Most of us are of average intilligence and this may be over our heads. And for most of us none of this has anything to do with our everyday lives in way that we need to personally know about it. So I am not surprise that the science section isn't just crawling with people like say... the self-help and popular culture section.

As for as the thinking section goes - magazines can make people think, especially puzzles like logic, cryptograms, crosswords and like. And I love pop culture and it's obscure references. You can learn a lot from that and it makes you think too. It is what you make of it.
 tnt144
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 10
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:34:01 PM
Right, some people are too picky... no one is perfect. Are you perfect?! Just get your life together and then find someone better than you, you can't go wrong.

Some men are very picky too, and only want to go out with a "10"... what they don't realize is that beauty is not everything... just because a person is beautiful and breathing does not mean they are good relationship material.

When I was dating, I would meet woman who where anywhere from a 5.1 to a 10.... and I did... but if their attitude and life was not good/together, I did not care how good they looked. Some guys would cry if they saw some of the women I dropped... there were a couple of real lookers... some that could pose for magazines, one that looked like the star of that movie "Groundhog day", even a pro golfer who looked half her age. But either they had problems, or mutual attraction was not there. Looks fade with age. Personality really is more important, even for guys... some of them are just thick-headed and don't know it. Besides, after you fall in love, your partner will look better than they really are!!.

A lot of people are also on the rebound and not ready for a relationship yet... their radar is on overload, and they see flags that aren't really there.. they are shell-shocked, still reeling from the previous divorce/breakup.
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 11
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:37:44 PM

“If you have tended to be picky, picky, picky, it may time to be open, open, open,” he says. At the same time, if you have had relationships tank because you were not selective enough, it’s time to exercise some discernment.
 tnt144
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 12
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:59:16 PM
Most of the relationship books out there are garbage, and will mess you up more than help you... most only contain a few kernels of truth, and by my conservative estimate, are more than 80% wrong. That is scary. However, there are a few good ones out there.

Yes, red flags are common sense... however, people get confused, and tend to over-analyze and rationalize things, and there are a lot of myths out there that get in the way of proper thinking. Moreover, identifying red flags is a skill; because it is a skill, more can be learned. You cannot know too much about relationships.

It also might interest you to know, that women have twice the capacity to pick up on red flags than men do, on average (but like I said, it's a skill, and anyone, including men, can improve)... and being able to decipher red flags is the number-one way to safely navigate relationships and dating... namely to avoid costly mistakes, emotional pain, and rejection. So, it could be said, that women, on average, are better at relationships. Yet, they are the ones who buy most of the relationship books! Anyone see something messed up here?! Life is crazy!
 huggablekiss
Joined: 3/21/2009
Msg: 13
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:40:00 PM
Self Help Books are acceptable to understanding how to fix things (do it yourself), but when it comes to love matters, no one really knows how these things work. Why would you take the philosophy or advice from someone else, when you yourself know who you really are, therefore it's up to you to discern what is best for you and how to go about it. Who is this author and what makes this author the authority on such things? What is the credentials and experience of this author that makes him or her the know it all when it comes to relationship advice.

Even the so called Relationship Experts (Therapists) gets divorced, and we may not even know what's really going on at home and they are giving advice when some of these so called "gurus or experts'" own personal love matters at home are a sham.

There is no "expert" on such matters where love matter concerns, other than you knowing yourself and going from there.
 CallmeKen
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 14
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:49:46 PM
LDYnBLK writes:

mentally/financially stable


In other words, golddigger. So if the guy is working a good job and is laid off, are you going to dump him until he finds another one? "Come back when you earn six figures." Sometimes what you flag as a red flag can be ... well, a red flag.

My wife left me because I was laid off. She didn't want to be married to "a bum." I reminded her that marriage was for richer or poorer. That's when she recanted her vows. I signed the car over to her name and wished her luck - it was all I could do.
 Sugar_Jones
Joined: 4/15/2009
Msg: 15
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 3:01:54 PM
Red flags to me are instinctual danger signals. You know, meeting a guy or girl who creep you out that kind of thing. Someone who creats a 'fight or flight' response. Don't need no stinkin self help book for that feeling.

On the other hand, I love reading self help books! I am interested in psychology.....
 NappyKAT
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 16
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 3:02:20 PM
How does that saying go - those that can't do it, teach it?

Makes me wonder about the author. Is she single?
She's founded and accepted herself by giving credence to a negative word and is now lining her pockets with it.

Can't blame her there. But has any of this gotten her man? I'm not saying that getting a man should be important to anyone when it comes to self-improvement, but it is apart of the title so she thought helping someone get a man would be important to them.

Bottom $ say she is single.

CallmeKen, your bitterness is showing. I'm sorry you got GOT (well, not really but it sounds good to say), but do realize that may be evident when you date and bitterness is not an attractive feature.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 17
view profile
History
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 3:51:47 PM
It's just a matter of degree. Read all you can, but take everything with a grain of salt. Each book writer is just like each forum poster: they write from their experience-informed prejudice, more than from a truly broad view. What works for one will destroy another.
Red flags, or anything like them are tools, and like all tools, you can use them to great success, or you can cut off your own leg.
Book writers are mostly out to get you excited enough to buy and read the book, so they can sell another one. I remember waaaaay back in the early 70's, there was a couple who wrote a book extolling the wonders of what they called "Open Marriage." They really just meant it was okay for both of them to screw around while still coming home most of the time. They went into great detail about how it all worked, how beneficial it was to their mental health, how much it brought them closer, yadda yadda. A few years later, ONE of the same authors brought out a book about how it destroyed their relationship and turned their lives to crap. This is an extreme case, but people who write books and are so excited that they've found THE INSIGHT which will make your love life blossom are fooling themselves just as much.
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 18
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:21:10 PM
I didn't read the article but i read your post and it makes sense to a certain degree, especially what's a major flaw and what a minor flaw is, then again you have to understand what one person may see major another may see minor or vice versa and that little insuccinctness, may end up in disharmony.
I also agree with the focusing on the positive because focusing on the negative is noise, but if that negative is glaring and a "can't" miss, the harmony thing comes into play again.
Yes, i believe people should become more open, but at the same time people have their preferences and i believe people should stick by "their" preferences no matter what accepting all consequences.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 19
view profile
History
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:32:42 PM
Focusing on the positive is fine, but many people focus on the positive and ignore negatives that really should be addressed. Look for the good but don't turn a blind eye to the bad and you're good.

I dated a guy that had numerous positives and in many ways exactly what I wanted, but the negatives were too big to overlook. He was jealous, not horribly but he needed way to much reassurance and I found myself editing everything I said because he was searching for hidden meaning.

Sorry, the perks weren't worth the fatigue that would have resulted from being responsible for another person's happiness.


Even the so called Relationship Experts (Therapists) gets divorced, and we may not even know what's really going on at home and they are giving advice when some of these so called "gurus or experts'" own personal love matters at home are a sham.

Knowing what to do and implementing it are two different things and you also cannot be married by yourself. If you made a poor choice, just because you know what a functional relationship is doesn't mean you can steer the partner toward it.

Self-help books provide a different lens for looking at things and people should take from different theories, etc. what works for them.
 tnt144
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 20
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 7:09:00 PM
.
Even the so called Relationship Experts (Therapists) gets divorced, and we may not even know what's really going on at home and they are giving advice when some of these so called "gurus or experts'" own personal love matters at home are a sham..


.
Knowing what to do and implementing it are two different things and you also cannot be married by yourself. If you made a poor choice, just because you know what a functional relationship is doesn't mean you can steer the partner toward it.



- Exactly. It takes two to make it, one to break it. You cannot cary another person in a relationship; you can either be a partner or a counselor, but cannot play both roles at the same time, fully.

.
it could be said, that women, on average, are better at relationships. Yet, they are the ones who buy most of the relationship books! .



.
What I see is a correlation.....perhaps women are better at relationships because we work harder on ourselves and on the relationships.......


- I used to think that way, years ago... and you may be partially correct. If women have a better, shall we say, aptitude for understanding relationships... perhaps they find it easier... and therefore tend to naturally do more work for/toward relationships. I hope that makes sense.

.
Are women really better at relationships though? I'm not convinced. .


- Yes, they are. First of all, twice as many women file first for divorce than men. Secondly, the area of a woman's brain where red flags are deciphered, sometimes called intuition and gut feelings, is twice the size of a man's! And red flags are the most valuable tool we have in navigating relationships. Perhaps this is why it's normally referred to as "women's intuition". men have it, but because women typically do it much better, I suppose some believe it's a silly woman's thing... which it's not... I'm a man... and I'm here to tell you... intuition is so important, I've referred to it before as the secret to understanding women.

The problem is, like I said... it takes two to make it, but only one to break it... so, in reality, it only gives them an edge... but a noticeable, sizable edge. But again, this is only on average... there are women who stink at relationships, and there are some men that can hold their own with women as far as being able to pick and choose, avoid rejection, and find and keep happy partners.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 21
view profile
History
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 9:01:47 PM

Perhaps one needs to look at social evolution.....women were the primary caregivers of children since the dawn of time (likely).

Certainly back in the olden days when everyone breast fed their kids because that is what the girls are for, and the kids were pretty much strapped to mom for easy feedings and then, because they were likely gathering or farming rather than hunting, they stayed with the women while men were out hunting.

Even as society changed, the roles did not as for the intuition, I think that can be as much a deficit as an advantage because many women look for deeper meaning in things that are pretty straight forward or they think they know how their partner feels rather than asking him.
 DR_RUTHLESS
Joined: 11/2/2009
Msg: 22
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 9:54:06 PM
overanalysis, either there is chemistry or there is not. Simple as that.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 23
view profile
History
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/7/2009 11:03:40 PM
How would one seek a one perfect match, you'd have to date many people, get to know them, and then figure out who matches the best to what works for you...the kicker being them feeling the same way about you....it's called DATING.

When you know there's nothing there to work with, you move on, others you might take more time getting to know, sometimes you mistake it for love and have to later move on. But you still have to date people no matter if you are seeking someone perfect or just seeking someone good enough. Why is this so hard to get? It's pretty simple.
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 24
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/8/2009 5:41:06 AM
'Red flags' are simply intuitive warnings and they should not be ignored.

I've been accused of seeking the negative but that is said by the person I'm being negative about. Duh.

If I like everything about a man, and can overlook his more endearing annoyances, then I am prepared to give that relationship a 100
% effort. My absolute criteria however is that he considers me a priority. eg. If I ask him to help me with the windshield wipers, not once but 3 times over a couple of months and he never does, then I don't feel that my safety is important to him. If things like this happen continuously, then I begin to question the sincerity of his 'love'. Those little things are red flags to me.
 tnt144
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 25
How Many Of You Are Doing This?
Posted: 11/8/2009 9:14:34 AM

Perhaps one needs to look at social evolution.....women were the primary caregivers of children since the dawn of time (likely). When you are responsible to care for and nurture a little person who cannot tell you what they need, you need to be intuitive to read their body language and tones of cries. It makes sense that women would then be more intuitive than men...a necessary thing for a woman to have for the survival of the species.


- There are a lot of compelling arguments from evolutionary science that make sense... but they are just logical theories... hard to prove. Love and relationships deify logic in many key areas.



I do think men are more likely to remain in a failed/failing marriage because of the children and fear of losing financially........


- Sometimes, but that is not the main reason more women file first. When people leave a relationship, women tend to flake out more either very early in the dating process before they have fallen in love, or... after they have fallen in love, they tend to hang on to the bitter end more often than men; they wait until they build up so much resentment that they snap... then they can get nasty. Men, more often than women, sometimes disappear somewhere in the middle of things, at least a little more often than women do. Of course, both men and women leave at any stage and do the same things, I'm just saying that across the board, the different genders have their preferred methods.

I do believe that divorce laws are skewed and need to be changed. But more important than that, is that people need to be educated about love and relationships so that they can navigate their love lives successfully and avoid divorce before it happens. Knowledge is a huge power in this world. I have never heard of anyone who got married with the goal of getting divorced.




I've said it before in other threads using different words but I will say it again in this one......women's roles have evolved, so have the needs of women....men must evolve also and the ability to relate to each other will be rocky until we are once again in sync with each other......men need to become more intuitive and more understanding of the relationship dynamics and need to make an effort to understand their partner. Women do not "need" a husband the way they used to....but women still "need" men and men still need women. Women just need a different kind of man these days...we don't need the breadwinner, pants wearing kind of man of yesterday.....we need a true partner....



- I understand that women are more independent these days and that many earn their own paychecks... but just as a side note here, women need to stop writing it in their profiles... I understand that it can be a positive thing, it shows that they are responsible and it has value... however, it's tmi... in a profile, it's a little over-the-top and can be taken the wrong way, as aragance... it turns a lot of guys off. There is a space for "profession", that's enough. Besides, everyone needs other people... so, the statement is not really correct anyway, and I think people sense this.


I'm not sure the word "evolve" is correct... as far as love and relationships, while we may be more sophisticated in some areas, basic human behavior in this area has remained unchanged for thousands of years... and people are not going to evolve to any degree that we would notice anytime soon. Most of the advancements are based on material products, machines, inventions, roads, planes, trains, automobiles, computers, mass production, rockets, and shopping malls. Don't be fooled by all the window dressing; we are still just better looking, sounding, and smelling cavemen with a lot more tools and toys. LOL! Bill Clinton would be a good poster-child!


Yes, women's roles have changed.. at least a superficial one... now they have freedom and choice to work. However, the main underlying role of a woman, as it relates to men, has never changed. The main role of men and women in relationships has always been as a helpmate. Whether or not the woman works at home as a house wife or has a job outside the home makes little diffrence... in both cases, she is still contributing to the family. That's the bottom line.

Power. - Perhaps the biggest difference in relationships since the fifties is that, with women now working, men are no longer the primary breadwinner, and have lost that power over women, traditionally. Yes, unfortunately, they do not have as much value as they once enjoyed. However, other than a woman's self-preservation and her children, they still remain as the next-most valuable commodity in the world for women. The reason? - same power women have... love... women want to fall in love with a man. So, men who once were wanted for money and/or love are now wanted mostly for love... but the more money he has, the better. Beauty is one of the top powers also. What we end up with, mainly, is a lot of men chasing a smaller number of beautiful women, and because women know more about relationships, and fall in love slower, they pretend or operate as if they are more picky and have a longer grocery list and want more... here, we end up with a larger group of women chasing a smaller group of well-groomed and toned men with money, status, and good attitudes. But at the end of the day, most women will give less weight to their grocery list when they fall in love... many loose them real quick! Women have some big ideas, but all of us are full of hot air to some degree!

Men being the protector is a power men have less of now also... today, we have police.

But yes, the point is that men do not, across the board, have as much overall power and value as they did at one time.

But again, they still have the big one... love... women still fall madly everyday... and if the guy is a good guy and continues to do the right things in a relationship to keep her in a high state of love... especially if she loves him more... she will be his love slave... willingly!!! If the guy is good, women don't mind a bit... the benefits can outweigh the maintenance fees by a large margin. It's good work if you can get it!





Even as society changed, the roles did not as for the intuition, I think that can be as much a deficit as an advantage because many women look for deeper meaning in things that are pretty straight forward or they think they know how their partner feels rather than asking him


- Right, women love to rationalize just like men, and many do it too much and confuse and sidetrack themselves... but they need to learn/be educated to trust their gut more. Trust me... across the board, women have an easier time with relationships overall... but perhaps not much overall... perhaps just enough to be noticeable and add to the chaos.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How Many Of You Are Doing This?