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 AUTHOR
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 2
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honest answer...Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I think you're on here for a reason, and that's because there's something that is missing in your 'relationship' with the man and you are wandering somewhat aimlessly trying to find it... hoping that it turns up with him.

Don't you think that if it were going to, it would have already?
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 5
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honest answer...
Posted: 11/16/2009 4:28:45 AM

but thats not the point ..
Sorry... I thought you were serious when you said you wanted honesty in responses.

Apparently you are just looking for kudos... so here goes...

Yes, expect more from him... after all, two years is relatively short an amount of time to make up your mind as to whether or not you actually want to develop a relationship with someone.
 DIVISION77
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 12
honest answer...
Posted: 11/16/2009 5:33:57 AM
If you are happy with your FWB, why are you on POF?

Personally, I think a monogamous FWB is probably ideal if you are both happy with it.

Are you on here looking to upgrade?




 BlueEyes1712
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 18
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honest answer...
Posted: 11/16/2009 6:23:32 AM
Tareco,

You have a successful FWB relationship. There are many, many unsuccessful relatonships, marrages, ect. The both of you seem to be happy with your relationship. Dont assume that he wants more in terms of legal contracts, marrage. Reason why the two of you entered a FWB relationship has been established. If you wanted something other that would of been established from the get go. I think your assumtion that he wants more is unfounded, he is happy with what the two of you have. You love him just the same, why push the issue, there is nothing wrong with saying the words, it only confirms how you feel. Dont ask him or expect him to have the ability to say the words, it may not be in his vocabulary, some housholds were emotionless, and if you both never expressed the words it may be due to never having learned it in your childhood. Why take on the arduous work of a relationship you may not be prepared to handle, you seem to have something very special with this man. FWB may be just the right thing for the two of you.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 21
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honest answer...
Posted: 11/16/2009 7:04:55 AM
From your description, the only difference between your situation and a committed relationship is voicing what you have. The only reason that you would wish to change things is to sort of guarantee that the status quo will be maintained.

He has been there when you needed him and I presume, yes I am assuming and presuming, that if he somehow wanted something more than you have, he would talk to you about it or if he wanted to date someone again, he would talk to you about it, trying to hurt you as little as possible in the case of the latter.

No one has any guarantees and my thoughts in your position is what is the benefit of declaring the love (although I probably couldn't not say that) or making it clear to each other that you are bf/gf? For most people I think it goes back to fear of being hurt and that is not something that seems a part of the equation for you.

I think you just continue to lead your happy life and if other people don't understand it or want to tell you that you are stupid for "settling," you know you're not, he is no less fully involved in your relationship than he would be if you had a convo about this and decided to be formally bf/gf. And I think sometimes for some reason when you change a relationship like that there are suddenly expectations from one or both parties that seem to make it harder to live with them happily if that makes any sense.

I have a friend that we are great when friends but with the tendency to look for motivations in fairly innocuous behavior, aren't suited to each other romantically. If you change the dynamics, isn't there the potential for one or both of you to start having retarded thoughts like if he/she cared for me he/she would have called....


Perhaps if you have some long-term plan or goal you both work on together, that will show you his intentions to be around for the duration.

This is an interesting point, if your lives are as intertwined as your post suggests at some point it would be natural anyway to look at making future long-term plans which would illustrate if things are truly the way you perceive them.
 I-am-Rei
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 24
honest answer...
Posted: 11/16/2009 7:14:29 AM

if u were in my position could u expect more from the other part??
sometimes i think giving no pression to the one u love, its the best..


am not expecting anything CANT YOU READ??? i love it the way it is.

Yeah, I guess it's very clear.


yes i love him, but i never told him

Holding something very important to yourself and not be able to tell it sounds NOT perfect to me, JMO. However, you seemed having no problem with it so kudos for that and good luck.
 Ed Bear
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 26
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Posted: 11/16/2009 7:40:25 AM
What exactly is the "more" you seek? Children? Financial Support? Public pronouncements?

Sounds like a functioning relationship to me... save that you are here looking around, of course.

There is such a thing as going out with someone - girlfriend/boyfriend without wanting to be a Married Couple/Family. Nothing wrong in that if it's what you want. (Why isn't it in PoF's list of choices? Or even "Going Steady?") Not everyone wants to end up in church, the 'burbs and debt.

Is he looking around for "more?"
ED BEAR
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 29
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Posted: 11/16/2009 8:10:49 AM
You've asked, and re-asked the same vague question within this string:
"if u were in my position could u expect more from the other part??
sometimes i think giving no pression to the one u love, its the best.."

At least one respondent has already said they don't know what you mean, others have hinted at it. I'll try to make the confusion more obvious.
The way you ask this, you DO NOT specify either WHO is expecting more, nor do you specify WHAT more they are expecting. Most responders have assumed you meant that YOU expect some unstated something more from him, but that you think it's best not to "pression [pressure?]" him about it.
To get any useful answer other than "FWB means never having to do anything more for the other F", you need to spell out exactly what you are thinking about.

My own response, ASSUMING I've guessed correctly what you are asking is:
NO. I would not. This is because LOGIC is the number one theme by which I guide myself, and basic human contract theory says: that which is not specified, does not apply. If I ask someone to meet me at the airport, and fail to tell them which day I'm arriving, I DON'T expect them to be there when I arrive. Even when I was very much younger, I only expected what was spelled out to be true. I was only shocked and dismayed when someone actually lied to me, did the opposite of what they promised.
Given the question you've asked, you are NOT going by the same kind of logic I do... you are going by what might be called "romantic logic", wherein what lovers dream comes true, where emotional rivers sweep those meant to be along into wonderful candylands of happiness. You are asking if you can anticipate him being in the same dream you are. The answer to that, you've already been given: Not if you are being realistic, only if you insist on remaining in a dream.
With all that, all anyone here can say is, good luck, really....but we don't anticipate a happy ending, given our own experiences trying to live in a waking dream.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 30
honest answer...
Posted: 11/16/2009 8:10:58 AM
Then have the talk. Ask him. Are you seeing anybody else. If he says no. You tell him that you are not seeing anybody else either. Then say, you want to try to be exclusive. We don't have to change a thing, we still have a very sexual relationship, and talk and be friends, and who knows where it will go. What do you think?

Ask.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 35
honest answer...
Posted: 11/16/2009 8:49:58 AM
f that happens then great... but where does it go.

Why does it have to "go" anywhere? Do you expect your friendships to 'go' somewhere?
Oh wait, that's right. These people are having sex without making a big deal about being "committed", "exclusive" and planning for it to "go" somewhere.

One day you realise that the Fwb is over, and you're a few years older...and looking around thinking "Is this all there is...." and posting a thread on POF about how you're too old now to find a partner....


Well, in my case, I prefer to be alone and that is why I choose to be where I am.

Yes, old people do tend to have that view.... "I prefer to be alone"...


Guess what? You are NEVER "too old" to find a partner if you are a warm and loving person. And who says that your partner and you have to live under the same roof and mingle monies and **** about each other's kids?

Trust me, there are people who have grown up in families, raised families, etc, that can treasure a life where they have complete(or nearly so) autonomy. However they do not want to be completely ISOLATED, they don't want to either DO WITHOUT sex, or resort to some kind of NSA arrangement,or use internet dating sites to find people to date, f*ck and forget.

I'd say that some of the situations described in this thread are closer to being noncohabiting relationships, moreso than "FwB", but it seems like to so many people it's not a LTR unless it's a cohabiting psuedomarriage.

One day you realise that the Fwb,relationship/marriage/whatever is over because your partner died or became grieviously ill, and you're a few years older...and looking around thinking "Is this all there is...." and posting a thread on POF about how you're too old now to find a partner....


Sounds to me like maybe we should all go get in our houses, get a few cats, and not even TRY to connect with anyone...because something might go wrong and there we'd be "too old now to find a partner". And marriage is not a defense against someone dying or becoming so ill that they need to be in a care facility. Without proper planning, such a situation can leave the other person not only "too old to find a partner' but "too broke" as well, by what seems to be the standards of people who use internet dating sites.

OP. are YOU and HE happy with things the way they are? Are you being badgered by friends or family that you should be demanding "more"?

FwB is by nature, not something that is gonna "go" to some "higher level". This does NOT make it a bad thing, especially for those people who need a little more emotional "space" in their lives.
I've seen people form "serious relationships", even marry, and have that situation fall apart later in life, so to paint 'committed relationship' or 'marriage' as some kind of guarantee of a "future together forever' is somewhat erroneous,as well.
Cindy O
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 36
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honest answer...
Posted: 11/16/2009 9:05:19 AM
Ya know, it doesn't sound like there's anything negative about your situation at all, Op. In fact, for all intents and purposes, you are in a relationship just like any other relationship that society (and the pious of pof) deem what a legitimate relationship is.
The only difference.. You haven't labelled yourselves or put claim on one another as being each others "possession." .. Most people can't wrap their head around that kind of unconditional bond.. especially the older crowd ..

.. Stats and testimonials from the "experienced" indicate that odds are your relationship will eventually end.. and that one of you will be hurt.. Thing is, stats and testimonials show the exact same thing happens in a relationship that is deemed more accepted and thought of by most as "superior" than what you have with your lover. *shrugs*

Enjoy your relationship and best wishes for a long and happy bond.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 37
honest answer...
Posted: 11/16/2009 9:28:02 AM

Ya know, it doesn't sound like there's anything negative about your situation at all, Op. In fact, for all intents and purposes, you are in a relationship just like any other relationship that society

I concur, what I wonder is if she's not getting some kind of pressure or flack from friends and/or family that she should be demanding some sort of formalization( an engagement ring, a wedding date set, or open cohabitation) because a stable relationship that doesn't have some sort of socially approved "label" doesn't fit THEIR morality paradigms?
Cindy O
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 39
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Posted: 11/16/2009 11:11:36 AM

Without asking, you are no wiser than a little old lady who talks to her cat... assuming the cat understands...
If you are to be believed.. then the saying "Actions speak louder than words" holds little truth!


what I wonder is if she's not getting some kind of pressure or flack from friends and/or family that she should be demanding some sort of formalization( an engagement ring, a wedding date set, or open cohabitation) because a stable relationship that doesn't have some sort of socially approved "label"
I would imagine that she IS getting pressure from her immediate circle of friends/family.. After all.. she is not complainging about her situation, yet even most of the strangers who have replied to her thread are pressuring her to believe that she should be looking for "more".. they forget "more" is subjective and they are projecting their own personal definition of "more" onto OP.
 TOMic bomb
Joined: 10/5/2008
Msg: 46
honest answer...
Posted: 11/16/2009 2:08:43 PM
{quote]OP, I am in the same boat as you. I have a FWB situation as well. We have been together for two years. We love each other .....

i don't understand this lady, message 16. correct me but how can you love friends with benefits? if you love him then it is more than fwb isn't it? it's a true relationship isn't it?

and what's the OP asking for? seems like all is well. i guess i'm not getting any of this...
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 47
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Posted: 11/16/2009 2:18:11 PM

if u were in my position could u expect more from the other part??
What's more? Commitment? If so, have a frank discussion with your "FWB" and see what he thinks. If you really have a FWB, and he doesn't want to commit, you probably should decide to end the FWB and keep the friendship--a true FWB would understand. You NEVER assume commitment in a relationship until you have "the talk" discussion, come to an agreement, and then monitor the situation afterward to see if the actions back up the words.

Then have the talk. Ask him. Are you seeing anybody else. If he says no. You tell him that you are not seeing anybody else either. Then say, you want to try to be exclusive. We don't have to change a thing, we still have a very sexual relationship, and talk and be friends, and who knows where it will go. What do you think?...Ask.
Bingo.

correct me but how can you love friends with benefits? if you love him then it is more than fwb isn't it? it's a true relationship isn't it? and what's the OP asking for? seems like all is well. i guess i'm not getting any of this...
I don't see why you can't "love" your FWB. It's just not committed love, and you take a risk of your partner bolting on you or dabbling with other partners if you are not having discussions if they feel like they are moving in that direction. And the OP asks this question because obviously she wants more than FWB with this dude, but doesn't know how to go about responsibly exploring that possibility.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 49
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Posted: 11/16/2009 2:27:54 PM
I'm not quite sure why you assume this:

OP asks this question because obviously she wants more than FWB with this dude, but doesn't know how to go about responsibly exploring that possibility.

Particularily when Op states in her Opost this:
sometimes i think giving no pression to the one u love, its the best..
To me it's obvious that she is content with what she has and does not want to "pression" her lover for more.


When one person starts having deeper feelings, it becomes lopsided and is like welding a 100 pound weight on one blade of a helicopter.
I don't see where she says things are "one sided".. he is just as loving in his actions as she seems to be.


Perhaps op can come back and clarify her statement and exact concerns.. If she actually has any that is (???)
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 50
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Posted: 11/16/2009 2:51:18 PM
load of crap: the true translation behind all this is:

This way, I have no obligations and no responsibilities; no commitments, just self centered indulgence.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 51
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Posted: 11/16/2009 2:56:03 PM
People need to realize that their (tunnel) visision of what constitutes a relationship.. Is not the same for everyone.

The "true" translation behind all this is how the Op and her lover see things. If they are both happy with the dynamic then who are You to label it as "self centered indulgence?"
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 52
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Posted: 11/16/2009 2:59:02 PM
thank you granted ostrich.
am just someone who knows a lot more then you, as I see hundreds of couple per year claiming that kind of crap in the first years...to end up a train wreck. ;)

exceptions do not make the rule, they confirm it.


Edit:
wishes granted, your continual little infantile attacks, well confirms what we all know from you for a long time. Please seek help.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 54
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Posted: 11/16/2009 3:00:49 PM
^^^ how self centered and indulgent of you both

thank you granted ostrich.
any credibility you May have had, just went completely out the window.. grow up, please.


as I see hundreds of couple per year claiming that kind of crap in the first years...to end up a train wreck
Just like many marriages and totally committed relationships end up.. What's your point?



 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 56
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Posted: 11/16/2009 3:06:40 PM
^^^ Right On!

That's why I said Op should come back and clarify if she has any problem with her relationship.. If she isn't happy and is just posing to be, then there will be problems. If they are both enjoying and happy and the verb love is being demonstrated and recipricol .. then what is the problem????
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 57
honest answer...
Posted: 11/16/2009 3:11:17 PM

OP, I am in the same boat as you. I have a FWB situation as well. We have been together for two years. We love each other .....


i don't understand this lady, message 16. correct me but how can you love friends with benefits? if you love him then it is more than fwb isn't it? it's a true relationship isn't it?

no, it's a fine distinction, but I for one believe you can be very fond of, indeed use the word love, a FwB but not want it to be a 'relationship' or to 'progress' to cohabitation/complete co-mingling of lives. Generally speaking, there is the concept that one might meet a candidate for a LTR, or that the FwB exists because one or both parties is not particularly ready to DO a full LTR, but doesn't much want to be completely alone or just doing casual dating.
I wish to hell more people just out of breakups/divorces, or recent bereavement, would give consideration to FwB, instead of feeling like the only answer to loneliness, sexual needs, etc is to be in a 'relationship'. This does not mean hold out the prospect of a relationship, and then announce it's FwB after you think you've 'hooked' the other person(would you do such a thing to a friend? Make one arrangement and then unilaterally change it?)
Once again, a genuine FwB is NOT just somebody you don't much like, wouldn't be seen in public with, but use as a sexual convenience. It is a friendship that also incorporates sex, it is NOT a stepping stone to a "relationship". IF both parties do happen to develop genuine love, it CAN become a relationship but this is not to be seen as a valid route to committed couplehood.
Cindy O
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 61
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Posted: 11/16/2009 5:44:49 PM

WishesGranted, in this particular case, cutting part of my reply out and quoting it renders said quote completely useless. Contrary to my norm, I had a short post this time, so it was pretty much an all or nothing deal.
Well, I wouldn't want to butcher anything you had to say, kjacks.. I usually find your posts interesting and intelligent so, my apologies if that is what I have done. My point was: Their relationship seems to be equal and reciprocol, so I guess I was wondering why you mentioned anything about "lopsided" emotions at all.

Cheers
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 64
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Posted: 11/16/2009 6:47:10 PM

This train is on the track where there are pitfalls starting to show up. Matter of time.
Perhaps it Is just a matter of time. However: Op has had two happy years together.. just like any couple who have two happy years together and then something happens that makes it "just a matter of time" and the relationsip crumbles for whatever reason a relationship may crumble. Whether a couple is married, engaged, or living together or in a simple courtship.. when "it's time, then "it's time." In the meantime, she is being treated lovingly and with respect none-the-less.. With any luck, and devotion from both partners to each other.. their time together will be long and fulfilling.
 Zephyr2553
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 67
honest answer...
Posted: 11/16/2009 7:09:37 PM
I really don't know the answer to this. All I know is that when we truly love someone their welfare becomes more important than even our own. We feel a gaping hole when they are gone and we enjoy life when we are together.
If they make you laugh, all the better, if they stimulate your mind and you can argue a point and still remain friends, all the better.
If you share many of the same interests and create your own "language" together, then you have found what some people who have been married for decades haven't found.
Its not up to any one of us to define what love is, what relationship is and who has the upper hand.
If it works for the two of you, then its all good. If there comes the day when he meets someone and falls for them or you do, then you will know it wasn't a LTR.
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