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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why do men seem distant?      Home login  
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 7
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Why do men seem distant?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Men from childhood as boys, are not conditoned to the same debth as thier couterpart girls learn about feelings and emotions. We are encouraged to pursue other endevors and put feelings and emotions on the back burner, so we lack the development that women become emotionally, were sort of retarded that way. Imagine your car breaks down, and stranded somewhere. Are you expected to know what is wrong with your car, nope, your a women and women dont generally get thier hands greezy and work on cars. But thats what men were conditoned to do, mechanical apptidue we pursue cause its manly, not feminine or womenly. We find it threatening when asked to be so supportive emotionally that which we know little of and then when you complain we arent providing why you expected werer left feeling less than adequate, so we tend to avoid too much involvement in that area we know little about. Were not neglecting you we just are limited in our ability. It might be better not to expect from men what you get feeling wise and emotionally you can expect to get from a women, men are just conditioned differently.
Joined: 11/12/2009
Msg: 10
Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 11/17/2009 10:37:55 PM
you gotta be kidden me..

First a man is too needy too caring, so we toughen up and do our own thing, when we do that than were told were too distant or dont care enough...


You should know the answer...
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 11
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Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 11/17/2009 11:00:22 PM
I think it's as simple as that we (meaning people, not just men) often don't know what we are getting ourselves into until we are in. Responsible relationships in particular can be very appealing from the outside, and then when you enter into one, and suddenly begin to realize that there are strings attached to the fun, you get "Buyers remorse."

It's a very common human happening, and almost NEVER has anything to do with you doing something wrong.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 16
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Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 11/18/2009 12:22:47 AM
Since your post is convoluted, did you start dating these guys and sometime after intimacy they backed away? There could be dozens of valid reasons that do not necessarily suggest the guy is a player or that your picker is broken. People often do not know who they are or what they want and sometimes when they are in the middle of what they thought they wanted, they either discover they don't feel as strongly about you as they thought or that they need some time alone, whatever.

You have to listen to what people say but also what they do. If you stop seeing each other, then you weren't meant to be together which allows you to be available when the right guy shows up. Wondering about his motivations, etc. are not going to matter worth a hill of beans because if you figure out what the deal was with one guy the next guy is going to have different stuff going on.

Be yourself, try to use both your brain and heart when choosing who you spend time with and recognize that it takes quite a bit of weeding to find the keeper. Usually it is the guy that six months down the road is the same guy you met and started caring for rather than someone who is not remotely who he or you thought he was.
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Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 17
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Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 11/18/2009 1:43:42 AM
Well, to be fair, two experiences are a small sample upon which to build a theory about an entire gender!

That said, I do think some people -- men *and* women -- sometimes are quick to profess love, and then when they realize that they're really feeling something completely different ... they back away.

Why? I don't know. Maybe because, as a culture, we've found a million ways to express "I love you," but not nearly enough to say "Y'know, I might've been wrong ..."

I do think your experiences are common ones, and they're no indictment of you.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 24
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Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 11/18/2009 8:14:59 AM

I was seeing this girl. Things going great. But then I hit a financial imbroglio.
Nothing bad. Just stuff that had to be dealt with. Crimped my dating.

Being used to Dallas women who bail at the least sign of
imperfection in a guy....I totally backed off from the girl I was seeing.
Or so I explained that to myself. Just cut off all contact. Had to deal with stuff.
Crawled into my man cave and shut the door.
Didn't need the distraction. yada, yada........yada

This happens all too often. Smart women know when this is going on.

However... the most interesting thing about this behavior is... once a guy comes out of his cave... and realizes exactly what he's done... there's still no actual owning of it.
Because of it... Ive never resumed contact with a guy who's done it.

To me... there's twofold reason.
One is that he was so self absorbed to do it in the first place
Second is that if he doesnt own it... its almost a guarantee he'll do it again
Cant have a relationship with someone who shuts themself off and out of a relationship on a whim, with no explaination and no responsibility to how that impacts the other person.

Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 25
Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 11/18/2009 8:21:21 AM
Not all men are so flaky.

Personally, I say what I mean and mean what I say.

It appears you've been with some flaky men who don't know what they really want.

I'd suggest learning how to be a better judge of people so you don't waste your time with people who don't know what they want.

It doesn't matter what someone says, it's more important to pay attention to what they do.

Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 27
Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 11/18/2009 8:39:15 AM
It's not that they're distant, it's that you're focused on something that they are not. You're brain is still focused on one situation, one thought, one feeling and they've moved beyond that.

Once they've moved beyond it there is no need to talk about it any further. In our minds we make everything complex. Men tend to simplify it, deal with it, and move on.

This is what I think is going thought when I read the OP was that I didn't know what she expected him to do. He tells her how she feels, she now knows, so life can go on...

I tend to be the same way. Sure while you're spending time together that's one thing, but we do have other stuff going on and sometimes we have to catch up on things outside the relationship, the status of the relationship, the path and intent of the relationship, and all that blah blah.

If he says he likes you, you're good. If you want to expound on it or ask for validaation beyond that it can change his mind. Sometimes it's better to just call some friends and go see a movie or something.
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 28
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Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 11/18/2009 8:48:51 AM

It's confusing, any ideas on what makes a man pull away!

He didn't "pull away". He merely shot his wad by telling you how he felt about you and is therefore done.

Either that or he's taking a page from the female playbook and is thinking playing hard to get will work, and that a woman would recognize this play and not be confused by it.
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 36
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Will you'all never get it???
Posted: 11/18/2009 12:21:46 PM
How many times mut it be repeated? We don't process these things the same way. Your real question or sub-text is"Why doesn't he think like ME???"
You get him to commit and you've got your primary fantasy met; one guy to groove with and get all cozy.
He commits and ABANDONS his primary fantasy; access to many females on his terms. Two very different strategies in play. Things look very different from his point of view. He percieves himself as giving up much more when he commits; could kinda freak a guy out for a minute just coming to grips with that decision.
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 38
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Will you'all never get it???
Posted: 11/18/2009 12:47:31 PM

Man pulls away because otherwise the woman will not chase him.

Got news for ya. Games are for kids. Pull away - get lost and stay away. You wanna go? Begone. Give me an adult, not a kid who thinks games are fun. If that's what the OP's guy is up to, she's better to be done with him.
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 43
Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 11/19/2009 1:44:50 PM

Why do men seem distant after telling you how they feel about you?

We're just getting ready in case you are thinking about slugging us.

Geeeez people analyze things to death.
Joined: 10/2/2009
Msg: 44
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Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 11/19/2009 2:52:55 PM
What makes me pull back after I open up is I got a poor response to my opening up to her. Last girl I dated we didn't have sex for a few weeks. I really liked her and connected on a level with her that I have only connected with two other women at this level. When I told her how I was feeling she said I was scaring her and said don't say that. Then a month or so later after we were having sex I told her I loved her during sex and she did not respond. I started backing away and she noticed so I wrote down what the problem was, there were a couple other minor issues as well. She just shut me out completely after that. That is what makes me distant.

Ever think he opened up to you and got nothing back from it? If he is wired the same way I am that is enough to set off alarm bells and me me look for the fire escape.
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 46
Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 1/5/2010 7:20:21 PM
he is just being himself...the male personality is rather john wayne....the strong silent type...they are not there to entertain you ....they are your rock...someone who is there when you need someone....a good man will be there for you...that is enough and that is why you want him....go find yourself a giddy girlfriend is you want to talk ....
Joined: 6/23/2008
Msg: 47
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Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 1/5/2010 7:24:24 PM
Cause many women.. have this relationship ideal/expectation/picture in their heads.. and after the I love you.. if they are pulling away.. it is something you are doing... either you are trying to hard or being to eager to please.. I don't know.. what are you doiung?..LOL... are you a confident woman that puts her needs first?.. are you a woman that is honest and upfront about your expectations.. if so.. you wouldn't go through this.. cause either they will be there.. or they will be not.. simple as that...
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 48
Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 1/6/2010 8:08:49 AM

Men become distant for several reasons none of which is because they are scared of falling in love too quickly. This is actually something women tell one another to avoid the pain they experience when their man starts to act distant.

Man, ain't that the truth. That's a total myth but a lot of women seem to use it when it suits them.

Benjie, msgs 59 & 60, some good stuff. Hopefully someone will read and absorb it.
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 49
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Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 1/6/2010 8:57:03 AM
It took me a long time to get to the point where I could see the withdrawal and not freak out about it, and wait it out. I don't tend to be a terribly patient person anyway, and I trust my intuition a lot, so more times than not, once I decide I like a guy, I'm ready to dive in way before he is ready to dive. I also think I'm usually more willing to dive into the relationship even while I'm still figuring out compatibility and I could therefore simply change my mind at any moment about him and it could all crumble. I'd rather just jump in, and jump out if I need to, rather than wading carefully in to test the water to make sure I want to stay a while.

It also took me a long time to find a guy that seemed worth the wait. Because I cared about him so much, and wanted to see him happy above all else, I was happy to still be there when he (finally) decided that he wanted to be with me and it was almost like he had to experience being away literally in order to know that he would miss me and the relationship. I think very few guys are able to articulate what is going on for them as well as stray_cat did in his post. I think for them, there's no "over"'s just "hmm, oh this feels bad. Better stop. Oh, stopping feels worse, and I'd rather be with her" level of thinking. Or maybe "oh, it's scary when the girl I like seems to be upset at me when I don't even get why. I don't like that. It must be her. Better get out of this and find a girl that doesn't do that" instead of "maybe we can figure out why this keeps happening together, maybe lots of girls would react this way to my behaviour, so I better try fixing the situation rather than scrapping the whole thing and starting all over again." Watch out for guys who call ALL their ex-girlfriends as "psycho." It usually means that they haven't tried figuring out their own part in the conflicts and don't know how to reassure a woman when they are withdrawing (some guys will have actually picked a lot of crazy girls to date too, but they had a part in picking badly in the first place and letting the situation get out of hand too).
Joined: 2/17/2009
Msg: 54
Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 1/6/2010 4:23:28 PM
Men will say what ever it takes to get in your paints... They will promise you the world and what you end up with is a small package and lost promises!!! When you figure out there game and play it back they can't handle it..i think as women we shouldbe more like men. Don't put so much feeing into it don't act like its a big deal tell them what they want to hear and after you get them into bed DON'T CALL THEM!!!! but hey thats just me...
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 59
Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 1/6/2010 8:38:49 PM
Let's just say generally that if you notice he's distant it means you don't have enough to do and you're paying too much attention to him. Get busy and change your focus.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 66
Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 1/7/2010 9:01:27 PM

^^ Definitely! Seconding that.

Thanks Helen. Women sometimes forget that men are good for when everything else is finished.
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 70
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Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 1/8/2010 8:01:38 AM
Wiggle, I SO agree. Poor widdle skeerdy fellows - got to run and hide from wimmens in case they feel something!!!

Honestly. It's tiresome to have to tread lightly lest you terrify the poor frightened forest creatures.

Usually when something breaks down in my house, I just hit it (give it a good thump)
Maybe that's what we should try doing to these men who feel a need to pull away,become distant, and disappear into their caves.
Just wait patiently for them to re-appear and then WHAM...hit them over the head with something!

Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 72
Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 1/8/2010 4:46:48 PM
This has been my experience so I can't speak for other guys. In the past, whenever you confessed to the woman that you fancy her, that you liked, her that you loved her, she pulls back herself. So I have learned to control my emotions and protect myself and it's only after the woman has expressed her feelings that I begin to open up. My last gf was telling me how much she loved me at about six months. But I could not reciprocate the words. I was not in love with her at six months. It took me a year to get there. Funny as it may, the moment that I told her that I loved her, she was already in some other page and only when I began to retreat did she then wanted me back and told me all her feelings again.

So, why are men distant? Because women makes us that way. Because if you show your emotions early you get trampled by women.
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 73
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Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 1/9/2010 9:53:20 AM

I feel when men are examined daily for their "feelings" and "emotions" they start to say things that are "expected".

the thing is, i dont feel something all the time so i dont have much to share.

i can go for days or weeks without feeling much of anything other than being generally at peace, or excited while watching a sport, playing a sport, laughing at a joke, etc but when women start to grill me for something deeper all the time it starts to make me feel like i`m being cornered.

not good because then i start avoiding her........

Most women need validation of why they are there with him....

i dont understand what that means ~ looks like something i need to work on.
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