Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Realizing ALOT!      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 cherylbarnes
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 2
Realizing ALOT!Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Books: He's Just Not That Into You, Stop Getting Dumped!, and It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken.
 Mr.Versatility
Joined: 11/12/2009
Msg: 3
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 7:06:19 AM
I think this is a great post.

Honestly, you cannot let this site reflect your confidence, believe me if you do it will just kill you.. This site is so different than meeting people in real life
On here it doesnt matter how great of a person you are, some of your best qualities cannot be shown on a dating website why? because everything is typed.

Meaning, if you're funny yeah you can send funny messages but its not the same as face to face, wit cannot really be shown as well through the internet, and charisma cannot be portrayed through the internet, Im sure a woman like you would be much more successful in a public place, but maybe you are too shy.. Heck wouldnt it be easier if they had singles bars where everyone took a number and you got to talk to everyone you were interested in and use the process of elimination..lol

Just believe in yourself and dont let this website bring you down, I guarantee there are hundreds of men who would be honored to give you a chance..
 buteo regalis
Joined: 9/30/2009
Msg: 4
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 7:08:22 AM

Also, what are key factors in dating that you feel you HAVE to follow to prevent further injury?
Common sense???
 DebiDuzDishes
Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 5
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 7:10:09 AM
I totally do the same thing. And its self destructing for relationships.

Any time you lose YOU.. to be "aligned" with them. Its already going in the wrong direction.

I Honestly thought i had life in my pocket once i got over my divorce. I totally had to rediscover ME after divorce. I went years without a serious relationship.. and it was GOOD!!! I lost weight for me. Learned new things.

Now im back to relationship heckaroonie.. :)) When i fall totally and utterly in Love.. it seems like ME falls to the wayside.

So back to the "ME" gameplan. I will totally focus on enjoying me.. and self improving me.

hey.... one thing i noticed when im in "me" mode. MEN chase me when im not interested. They are totally attracted in the girl who is just shining on her own. But that same girl keeps on a moving.

and OH.. dont let a man try to "Qualify" you with sex. I so never want to hear the line "We are both Adults.. why would we wait" crap.
 forumologist
Joined: 2/23/2008
Msg: 7
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 7:20:38 AM
Whenever you truly compromise your values to meet someone elses demands you lose.

I think that's what you are saying.

A good relationship with a person of conscience would not do this to you. They wouldn't want something from you if you had to dirty your conscience to give it to them.

The problem is, there are not enough people of conscience who don't want to steal candy from each other.

Look at all the ways men are taught to steal from women.

How to pretend to care and be interrested when all you want is to rub yourself off on her.

How to have sex without a condom and not pay for the kids you make.

How to get away with whatever you want with no consequences.

When people stop ADMIRING and ASPIRING to these goals there will be more happy relationships.

Until then, tread carefully and look out for wolves in sheeps clothing.

Be willing to go without a relationship if it's going to steal your soul.
 adventurousme57
Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 8
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 7:23:09 AM
The Internet really is the best school of personal growth there is! When you first begin, it's overwhelming and you want to meet everyone because they all seem so wonderful. You meet a few who are not what you thought and your attitude begins to change. Keep working on yourself, improving, getting clearer about what you want then you become more selective and only meet the ones who really do it for you.

It needs to be not what they want so much but more about what YOU want. The better you feel about yourself, the easier this gets. If you meet someone who seems like someone you'd like to know more, then take a step in knowing more. Remain in control of yourself knowing if you don't, you will crash and burn. Stay aware and in the moment. Don't assume anything. One step at a time. Does he deserve your trust? You can't know this at first. If you don't put too much out there at once, you keep from crashing. It's a process. It's your game...don't let him run you.

The books suggested above are a great source of information, too! You can do it!
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 9
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 7:23:22 AM
I find that many women ..rely on the fast forward button too much ...maybe this is what you are calling taking it and running with it ....I noticed you are looking for friends ..on our profile ...this is a good frame of mind ... I almost would not date a woman who list long term as her choice ... why?/ its a frame of mind ... I want life to come in steps ... I want to find friends ..then chose from those friends someone I want to develop a relationship with... not look for the relationship ...When I was dating Im sure I was labeled a player many times ...but I dont see it that way ... I met women dated a few times ...became interested .... we became intimate ...and suddenly they started looking at wedding dresses so to speak ..and I felt that they were not interested in me ...I felt they were just interested in having a relationship ...with anybody ....it became predictable ... something as important as a relationship is worth taking it slower ...give us time to decide this is what we want .... let us make the promises... by us sleeping with you we are not saying we are ready to move in with you ... sex is just one step to a relationship not the only step to that relationship .... if you are different after we sleep together ... maybe you are no longer the woman I wanted to have a relationship with >>. i have and never will look for a long term relationship ... many times have I found myself in one
 DebiDuzDishes
Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 10
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 7:24:51 AM
OMG.. love that line


Be willing to go without a relationship if it's going to steal your soul.
 Gina-Gina74
Joined: 11/17/2009
Msg: 12
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 7:29:32 AM
To say it very simplistically DO NOT compromise yourself and your beliefs. To be strong you must be strong in those areas. Never never never compromise yourself. As you have learned, the end result is very unnerving. This applies to every area of your life. Not just here.
 barbyanne2
Joined: 10/19/2009
Msg: 13
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 7:44:28 AM
I agree completely with deerdog1, but have also been in the OPs shoes. It's worth it, IMO, to date less frequently, but be more selective. I have made some of the mistakes that you (OP) talk about too. But as deerdog alludes, you have to meet and date to know if it's going to be a "go."

I also loved Mr. Versatility's answer and his profile! It's cute.

The poster who said not to let men "qualify" you sexually is also absolutely right. That's just another "guy line" to get laid (remember, back in the day it was blue balls - "Oh, please feel sorry for my unsatisfied weenie." ya, right).

Op, Mr Versatlity is right I think when he talks about what I call the dehumanization of the internet. I think we are all compelled to remember that there is a real human being with feelings, just like ours, behind those photos (usually). And it does make it harder to get to know what someone is really like upfront. There's also the a greater chance of miscommunication ITT. I know that I have said things on here where I'm totally kidding & hurt someone's feelings or made them mad - total accident - but it happens ITT.
 _SYN_
Joined: 9/20/2009
Msg: 14
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 7:53:33 AM

So through the dating on this site, I am realizing that I have alot of insecurities.

My first suggestion: Stop dating through this site. If you're getting burned here, and now you're feeling insecure about yourself, perhaps on line hook-ups aren't for you. After all, there are just as many, if not more people on here looking to get laid rather than looking for love. You're just attracting those types for some reason.

Second suggestion: Stop putting out so easily... not just sex, but your emotional vulnerability as well. I know it sounds crazy, but look at each date as getting to know someone, having fun, and making a new friend rather than a possible long term partner. My guess is you're giving up more than you should far too soon in the hopes that it "seals the deal". Like my grandmother always says "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
 isnuttinfree
Joined: 7/9/2009
Msg: 15
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 8:06:07 AM
Be thankful for what you have rather than what you don't. In a Lottery you don't spend more than you can afford thus don't compromise more than you can handle. You lose more than you win but that's how it goes.
 Ependa
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 16
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 8:20:53 AM
I was in my 30s before I really got this. It honestly all starts with you. You get one life. There is no relplay. Things that happened in the past; you can either let them hold you down or make you stronger (or more compassionate, wiser, whatever). The way you feel about your looks (I peeked, you're beautiful)..You either realize that you are not Farrah , or Meagan (or whatever era you grew up in) and be healthy about yourself or you wish your days/years away trying to be something you're not. Something that more people and even a few companies are getting (at least moreso) now is that all women are beautiful..and there are different types of beauty. Your own uniqueness is what sets you apart.
Bottom line is you can't change your past or the cards you're dealt (you can still keep yourself healthy, fit, take care of yourself, etc). If you don't put things in perspective and let them run away with your life, there will be no way for you to get those wasted years/emotions back. Best thing that I ever did for myself personally was to stop wearing any make-up about 10 years ago. It was just something that I needed to do. Now , I play and dabble once in a while but it isn't the same for me. And I (personally) prefer the natural look (because that's me..many women look very beautiful with make-up on, too). But everyone is different. You need to look at what you think you don't like about yourself. And see the good. If it's something healthy like, wow, I'd really like to get more in shape ,etc. Then fine, come up with a plan and do it. If you're simply obsessing because you don't fit in the size 3 jeans you wore before you had your baby, then get over your perceptions of what a woman should like =) It took me 5 years to give those jeans away =) Fake it til you make it, too. If you tell yourself negative crap, you will buy into that (get the book What to Say When You Talk to Yourself..it's old ,but very good..we use it in the martial arts, too).
Guys. pfft. Hell if I know. I suck at dating. I've actually only dated one person and talked to one other on the phone since I split with my boyfriend last June (not this June, last one ;-) I am about to change that and go out with a couple of guys..just casual dating. A different approach for me (I hate dating almost as much as I hate shopping. Hmmm there is something to that maybe). What I have learned (and I don't even know if I'd trust this) is to keep it casual for a while and see if you both click. Keep it more casual so if he starts acting like a jerk it's easy to walk away =) And don't date people who aren't done with their previous relationships. They're not ready and you don't need the hassle. If you really like them, keep in touch as friends. It is probably easier to date a couple of people (makes it easier to keep it casual)..but this is not something that's natural to me and I'm just trying it out.
Finally. Life is about living. Part of that is getting hurt. It's fine to be common sensical. But don't put yourself in a bubble trying to avoid pain. It's healthy. It tells us what NOT to do =) and you have to experience it sometimes.
Good luck to you , sister.
 chaemeleon
Joined: 7/30/2009
Msg: 18
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 8:32:50 AM
They do have local (Dallas area) ....speed dating events which is moderated. Allows people to meet someone then after a few minutes you play musical chairs so to speak and meet someone else.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 11:18:49 AM
The most important thing I think you can do with the concern that you express, is to do a more thorough job of getting to know yourself. The reason you set aside your personal needs and rush into relationships that are destructive or useless to you, is that you don't BELIEVE yourself about those needs, and/or you still think that falling in love overrules all logic.
Overcoming past hurts, in my personal experience, does not come from forgiving, or even understanding the person who wronged you, rather it comes from being certain you have adjusted and learned ways not to make yourself vulnerable in that way again. For example, after having a disastrous college relationship, wherein the woman used and abused my affection for her to ridiculous extremes (which there's no need to go into here), I was ready to be open with people again, after I combed through the mess well enough to put in place decisions and internal markers, to keep me away from similarly selfish people in the future.
So anyway, you need to SOLIDIFY your principles and beliefs. I did so with mine, through extensive thought (reasoning), including careful observance of myself at all times, to make sure my beliefs in one area did not conflict with my beliefs in another. If your principles vary according to what you want, or who you like, they aren't principles. Once you really KNOW your principles, you can more easily recognize whether or not the person you have in mind for a mate has those same, or compatible beliefs.
Finally, get it out of your head once and for all that a feeling of love or intense affection can in any way make up for a fundamental incompatibility between two people. Since you HAVE to live through your ENTIRE life, day by day, that means the glorious feeling you may have during the moment you are in your lovers arms can't be the only time you are having a good time. If it is, and you aren't making love at least 16 hours a day, the relationship will fail.
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 22
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 11:21:57 AM

and OH.. dont let a man try to "Qualify" you with sex. I so never want to hear the line "We are both Adults.. why would we wait" crap.

This is an old..old...old card...and IT STILL WORKS!!! I cannot believe it.
My wisdom? There are many "cards" that men play to manipulate you to what they want. Stick to your guns with that affirmation.


this is an old line ...but not every man who uses it is using it as a line ..not every man who wants in your pants is using you ...we were made to want in your pants ...you were made to want in ours ...there is nothing wrong with grown men and women wanting/having sex

the little boys that just want to use/play have perverted sexuality ..if you both are truly adults the reason for waiting becomes moot what you women need to learn is how to distinguish the little boys from grown men ...emotionally grown men ...they are not the ones which are smooth and hot ...they are not the bad boys who treat you like a sex object ... they are the true gentlemen ...they are the ones who say I want you ..but I want you to be ready to want me

the most effective line a guy can use to seal the deal ... is Are you sure this is what you want ??...but only when he is prepared to accept the true answer ...it wont work as a line ...unless he is with a little girl emotionally speaking
 indefatigabilis
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 23
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 11:22:14 AM
I don't worry about getting hurt. That would take the fun out of life. My policy is to try for what I want and do what I can, focusing on success not fearing failure. I am tough and can handle emotional pain if it happens. Fearful women are intent on self-defense and with that goal in mind they fail to go all out making me feel good, which if they don't, how can I be motivated to usher in the most joyful episode they will ever experience in this life?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 24
view profile
History
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 11:23:46 AM
Be more honest with yourself and when you start over-investing too soon put on the breaks and look around without the rose colored glasses.

When you meet someone and crap starts instantaneously don't make excuses for why this is okay, it is bad timing, he has issues he needs to take care of, and all of the other mind games you play with yourself to justify continuing to see the guy when the rational part of your brain is screaming run Forrest run. When he tells you you are the greatest thing on the planet and turns around and does whatever that makes you feel like a slug, don't ignore the slug because the b.s. has made you feel really great.

If you continue to do this perhaps you should take yourself off the market and figure out who you are just as you.
 Gone To The Beach 09
Joined: 4/5/2008
Msg: 25
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 11:31:24 AM
"I would love to hear ideas from people on how they overcome past hurts and really got strong with themselves. Also, what are key factors in dating that you feel you HAVE to follow to prevent further injury? It just seems so frustrating sometimes! I think I'm a great person, but it does affect your self-esteem after awhile.

Thanks! "

My house and I went thru 3 Hurricanes. I stayed inside for the first one, and it caused severe damage to my house. 2 weeks later, the 2 nd one came, and I fled the state. I was in an Appartment, while my house was gutted, and the 3 rd one hit.

When you're up against a wall, and getting almost no help, you find out what you're made of. I fought and won every battle with all of the businesses involved. And it took 2 years to renovate the house! They could have built it from scratch in less than 6 months.

There were 2 peopole who said that I could never follow thru and finish the renovation. One was a Realtor of 20 years. The other was my Father.

After proving these 2 people wrong, I sold the house ner the peak of The Real Estate Market, and moved out of state. In accomplishing all of this, I learned what I was made of, and what strengths I could draw on, in the future. And I questioned some of the advice and negative behavior from my Father, from decades past.

As far as dating goes, a woman that I was with, wasn't interested in keeping the relationship going, after my house had been severely damaged. Going at it nearly alone, was one of the best things that ever happened to me. It taught me what I was REALLY worth. And if I could accomplish this for ME, I could accomplish victories for another woman that I would perhaps meet in the future. And I have : )
 Gone To The Beach 09
Joined: 4/5/2008
Msg: 27
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 11:55:53 AM
" Look at all the ways men are taught to steal from women."

NOT ALL WOMEN ARE MARTYRS.

Let's look at some of the ways that SOME women find acceptable, in lying to men, or lying to themself about a potential relationship

age

Marital status

emotional availability

willingness to make time for a potential relationship

laziness

selfishness

expecting from a man, what SHE won't do for herself, and expecting the relationship to last.

Manipulating

thinking that she can change

thinking that she HAS changed

thinking that she can change him

thinking that she found a nice guy, and she doesn't have to make any effort

TELLING ME HOW GREAT HER SON IS... I guess she forgot to tell me about his drugs, manipulating, beating a woman, and his previous jail time.

And YES, I've experienced ALL of these scenarios from women over the years.

So, OP, to protect yourself from a similar type of MAN , BUYER BEWARE. Ask a lot of questions, Know and ALWAYS be yourself
 Celtic Rain
Joined: 11/12/2009
Msg: 28
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 12:14:10 PM
While relationships involve compromise in various areas, one should never compromise one's own values. Know your values. Believe in yourself and trust your instincts and feelings. Express your feelings and opinions in a way that is both honest and respectful of the other person, but don't let yourself get wrapped up in trying to convince someone else to agree with you. Sometimes you ultimately just have to say "I disagree" and walk away.
 InTouch11
Joined: 11/15/2009
Msg: 29
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 12:25:27 PM
Thank you for this post. Not an easy thing to overcome past hurts to keep them from creeping into your life now. Even when you think you're ready and healed.

I have a random question. One that I know some of you understand. Why is that the ONE person you meet and really feel that connection (like 1 in 100) doesn't seem that into you...but all the others, who you didn't feel it with, continue to contact you for another and another date? WHY??? lol.
 Frau Blücher
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 30
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 12:27:46 PM

So through the dating on this site, I am realizing that I have alot of insecurities. Which means, that I take someone showing interest in me and I TOTALLY run with it. Then I end up compromising myself and my beliefs, which always means I get hurt in the end.

IMO, your problem is that you are decent person with an honest heart who too often throws caution to the wind, because you believe that the strangers you meet are also honest and decent. In reality, you’re “totally running with” a STRANGER. By letting impulsivity and naivety be your guide, you are not taking the requisite time to truly GET TO KNOW your suitor. You’re only “falling” for the FAÇADE the man displays, and not the true man behind it. Once the façade crumbles, you discover it was an asshat in a nice man suit.


Also, what are key factors in dating that you feel you HAVE to follow to prevent further injury?

Take the time necessary to truly get to know your suitor, so you’ll fall for the man rather than the façade. Depending upon how often you see one another, I think it takes about three months for the best-foot-forward facades to crumble.
 FluffyBrain
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 31
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 1:41:37 PM
My dear, at least you know your weaknesses, so you're you're in a better position to mitigate it. Basically, you just have to remind yourself to relax and let the pace develop naturally. Bottom line is some guy is either going to like you or not, so what you do in the interim isn't going to affect his feelings one way or the other. All you can do constructively is whatever it is that makes *you* feel good about yourself. Usually, that involves carrying on with your own life in constructive ways with full knowledge if he's interested, as long as you have given him some encouragement (i.e. haven;t given him the impression you won't date him), he'll be on your doorstep if he wants to be there. Might as well just relax, hun............
 Gone To The Beach 09
Joined: 4/5/2008
Msg: 32
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 1:54:45 PM
" Thank you for this post. Not an easy thing to overcome past hurts to keep them from creeping into your life now. Even when you think you're ready and healed.

I have a random question. One that I know some of you understand. Why is that the ONE person you meet and really feel that connection (like 1 in 100) doesn't seem that into you...but all the others, who you didn't feel it with, continue to contact you for another and another date? WHY??? lol."

First of all, Sanscheyle, I want to thank you for your support, and commend you for your bravery, and intelligence in dealing with the Hurricanes. And anyone who can't be there for someone when times like these happen to us... Isn't that why they call it a Natural CATASTROPHY ?

And to intouch11, as well as the OP, We can't always assume that the other person sees in us the values that we see in them. Nor the same priorities. Certainly everyone we meet isn't at the same level of intelligence, foresight, and sensibilities.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Realizing ALOT!