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 carterscutie85
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 2
Parental duties and the third wheel.Page 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
I would say your best bet is to bring it up in a counseling session. Your mediator has been trained to deal with situations such as this one and could offer u better advice then what u will get here. People here only want to argue and I am sure that before long, this thread will be hijacked.
 singlesuperdad
Joined: 8/26/2009
Msg: 4
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History
Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 11/28/2009 9:03:09 AM
different battlefield, the court room. I don't think your " trust divorce" is working for you, maybe for her but you and your family are being cast aside. You are allowing it and it's not going to get any better, probably worse. No guaranteed worse. Matters that include your son are betweeen you, her and your son. He is not her husband yet so matters of your son aren't his responcibility. Your visitation needs to be revamped to allow you some of the holidays and birthdays. It's only fair, that way your family can see him too. Untill then just have your own parties and holiday for him when he is at your place. I did thanksgiving for my kids and exs family thursday and am doing it again today for my family so there will be no tension. The kids like it cause they get double holidays.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 6
Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 11/28/2009 9:30:29 AM
Why not just set up a meeting with the teacher at a different time? Tell you ex that she can have her meeting and you'll arrange for your own?

My ex and I take turns with birthday parties. One year I do it, the next she does. It works and we have two boys and my stepson also spends a lot of time here.

Same with Christmas and other holidays. One year they spend Christmas Eve and morning with me, then go to her place for Christmas dinner in the afternoon. The next year it's the other way 'round.

I hear you about the ex's guy too. I have zero interest in meeting the new guy or having anything to do with him. That's her private life, an area that I just avoid discussing since I don't want her poking her nose into my private life. If it ain't about the kids, we don't talk about it.

Good luck.

 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 7
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Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 11/28/2009 9:32:37 AM
I'd say pick another battle.

I have been a step-parent for 19 years and one of the things you need to remember is that no one will ever change the relationship you have with your son. This guy may be a douche, not trying to get along and the extended family's involvement, it sucks, but you can also think about how lucky your son is to have a step-father that apparently cares rather than one who doesn't or treats your son badly.

My stepson's mother thought I was a b!tch for a number of years, wasn't really familiar with someone who actually tried to act like a grown-up and do what was good for my stepson without having some hidden agenda. At the time I met my ex, they had a history, had grown up together, child together, she was five years older and it never really occurred to me that she was in any intimidated by me. From his perspective I suspect he sees you as a threat or he would quit being a jerk.

I kept sticking my hand out and kept being me and 20 years later she and I are friends, she and her husband are like extended family. I'm not saying that this can or will happen in your situation but it might and if it doesn't, you will always be able to honestly tell your son that you always tried to do the right thing even if other people weren't being particularly cooperative toward that end. I think part of why you are upset is because you cannot control the situation but that is a choice because there are elements that you can control if you stop worrying about who is right and who is wrong.

The birthday parties, yup it sucks, but you and your family can have a separate celebration with him, have his friends again or figure out some tradition to start. Our lives have changed a great deal relative to Thanksgiving, other family dynamics way beyond the divorce and I have kind of felt like we are a family without traditions now. Then I realized Thursday that my kids and I if we are doing Thanksgiving just us at home, watch It's a Wonderful Life. I didn't realize we had started doing it every year, lol. So you can either see change as a bad thing and miss the way things used to be or how they should be or you can mold your life into whatever you want it to be.

Go to the conferences and ignore him. Make sure you communicate with his teachers so that they know that his mother is perhaps not going to notify you of conferences and other things and you would like the teacher to make sure you are aware of conferences and anything else you need to know. Get an e-mail address, they make an invaluable communication tool with teachers. Then if you allow his presence to get under your skin, it's just a choice. He isn't going to change the relationship with your son and he can't squeeze you out of other areas of your son's life because there are easy ways around the problem that don't require his or her cooperation.

My stepson's mother took no interest in his education and he was failing consistently in school. Everyone told me that no one would talk to the NCP, particularly one that was not a biological parent, but guess what, the school was overjoyed. So, I called and kept track of him from 150 miles away, no need to depend on his mother for access. She made picking him up a logistics nightmare so I started picking him up after school so that again, she was cut out of the loop. You're not going to change your ex, this guy, or his family but you can make the situation livable for you.

And seriously, there could come a time when you really do need to dig your heels in and say, nope, this time we are doing things my way. I would save your energy for that one and let this go. You can bring it up in counseling but you already said it won't make a difference and just create a big to-do without any hope of accomplishing your goal. If you'd rather not be at the conference with the guy, ask them to schedule two conferences so that you can focus on your son when you are talking with them. Tell them how much you appreciate their working with your situation and generally, teachers and administrators are willing to do what you ask because they are desperate for involved parents.
 TheGentlemanCaller
Joined: 10/23/2009
Msg: 9
Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 11/28/2009 11:12:43 AM
Navigator makes an EXCELLENT point. I think in the interest of your son, it's best to try and put the pettiness aside. Yeah you don't like the guy, but if you have to realize this guy is going to have a lot of reaction and influence around your son. It's best to be the bigger man, try to make amends for the sake of your son.
As Navigator mention, the fact that he takes an active stance in your sons education is important, and you could do a lot worse by having some guy who treats your son badly.
Take a look at the single parents thread "Why don't men date single mothers...the answer" and tell me you want some one like some these guys (or women) involved(or lack of) with your child.
 ValkyrieHJR
Joined: 8/8/2009
Msg: 10
Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 11/28/2009 11:52:25 AM
OP, I can totally relate to your situation, as my ex left me to move in with his current gf. I do have custody of the kids and we are only separated, not actually divorced yet. But I can also understand the tension. It is a very difficult situation. But you have to look at it in terms of your son. This person is very interested in your son's education and future and this is a good thing. The tension that is there, whether on his end or yours, is more than likely due to the fact that this is the person that broke up your marriage, no matter how long it has been. And if it is on his end, that may also date back to the fact that he contributed to the end of your marriage.

At the same time, for the sake of your son, the both of you and both of your families should set aside that tension to celebrate his birthday. I am not implying that all holidays should be celebrated together, by any means. And you may have to do as PackageDeal suggested and celebrate his birthdays separately. But I would think they could at least try to include you before giving it up as a bad deal.

Be thankful that this person is interested and cares about your son and his well-being. It could have been exactly the opposite. Or he could have been an abuser of some sort.
 ValkyrieHJR
Joined: 8/8/2009
Msg: 12
Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 11/28/2009 1:00:24 PM
As a parent (and an involved one at that, definitely a good thing) you have a right to be at the parent teacher conferences. But the fact that he wants to be there as well is a good thing for your son. There should be no reason why you can't be included in those conferences. Go to the school and speak with your son's teacher. Introduce yourself and let her know you are very much interested in what is going on in your son's schooling and to let you know if there is anything important coming up. Let her know about the situation, in basics. Teachers see these situations with kids all the time, and it is a lot easier for them if they know you WANT to be involved. Volunteer to help in the classroom if you can, or to help put together displays, or chaperon a field trip when you can. Offer to be a room parent, take part in the PTO/PTA. I understand that you work full time so it's not always an option, but be there when you can. Make sure the teacher knows you are interested and involved. Give her your phone number or email address and ask her to let you know about any conferences that are scheduled or concerts, or events of any sort. Then make sure you are there, regardless of what your es and her man say or do. It is about your son. Not them and you.

I don't think this guy is necessarily a decent guy, as far as the grown ups are concerned. But he is trying, to an extent, to do the right thing by your son, so appreciate that. Let him have the ex and all the headaches that go along with it. And even if he doesn't like being part of your "team," as long as he is married to your ex or involved with her, he is. Because you are both interested in doing what's right for your son. So keep using that mantra for your son's sake. Who cares if he doesn't like it? He needs to accept that you will be there for as long as your son is. And that's his issue to deal with, not yours.
 ValkyrieHJR
Joined: 8/8/2009
Msg: 14
Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 11/28/2009 1:19:28 PM
Unfortunately, you can't force that. She needs to grow up and accept that just because she is marrying this guy does not mean you are just going to go away. I think at this point, you have to cut your losses as far as she is concerned and make sure you do what is right for your son. If that means you have to grudgingly accept this guy's presence at different functions that are usually reserved for the parents, then so be it. The only time you need to be contacting her is if it is regards to your son. Forget about the counseling. It was a good idea, but obviously it's not helping, at least not in her case. If either of them don't like you, who cares? Move on. They are not worth your stress and time unless they are doing something to damage your son in some way. If you have a 50/50 custody order from the courts and she is not enforcing that, then make sure it starts getting enforced. Take the issue to court. And if she doesn't like that, oh well. Like I said, I can sympathize with your situation and she is making her own choices. She is willing to alienate you, then just move on and be civil. You don't have to be friendly to her even. Just don't put your son in the middle of all of this.
 Notdesper8atall
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 20
Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 11/28/2009 4:44:47 PM
OP While I understand your feelings about courts and lawyers perhaps its time to put those aside and get something solid on paper. This is not a cure all but you will find that there are fewer of the "trust issues" you are experiencing right now. Holidays and days of special meaning are spelled out and can be changed if you both agree to it.
As far the involvement of the ex's new partner.. I dont know if the guy is bad or good but the one thing you need to get used to is that here is there. He and his family will be a part of your childs life as long as he is there, and sometimes that can be rough thing to deal with given how the relationship came about. The one thing to you need to remember is that you are his father and no one can take that from you. Most step parents realize this and wont ever make the mistake of making you feel as though you arent. This guy may have his own agenda I don't know.
I have been a step parent and I was at all of the parent teacher meetings and yep it can be an akward situation( I know the first one was) to be in when its not your biological child. Did that stop me from going? No, the kids were a part of my family and I had every intention of making sure they had what they needed to be the best people they could be just the same as I did with my own children. I wasn't looking to replace their father, nor would I ever want to try. I was there for the kids.
 CaliCharmer
Joined: 11/21/2009
Msg: 21
Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 11/28/2009 5:14:47 PM

This isn't about her or me needing to move on I don't think. This is about honouring our agreement instead of changing things as it's convenient for her....and we haven't done the counselling yet...and I'm hoping that's the answer over lawyers and court...which I cannot afford, am not likely to win given the disparity between the sexes in court...and one that only brings strife.


Dude, that stuff goes right out the window when women please. She knows how to hurt you and she's doing it. You're LETTING it hurt you. You are letting her control your emotions to make you the bitter person. If she is just laughing at home about how upset you are getting, how does you being upset help anything?

You're upset about her leaving for a client, understandable. But, if you can't forget about her and the pain she is causing you, you'll never be happy. My ex was so bitter, and she wanted to go on a vacation to see friends out of state with our daughter. I said no, unless she allowed me a vacation also. She didn't want to give me one [before custody order set] so I laughed at her and told her she was crazy. It didn't bother me the slightest, because she was making her life out to suck just to be angry and spite me.

You need to pick times to have with your son. If you want a week vacation before Christmas with your son, take it. Stop thinking about just pleasing her and how angry it makes you to please her and get nothing back. Start being proactive and picking your own times with your son. I have a weeks vacation before Christmas with my daughter, and it's going to be awesome.

And just remember, she left you for someone while she was married. Just imagine how this dude's life is going to be in 10 years, with her. What if she leaves him? You'll be upset for 10 years and then get your last laugh? Let it go and just enjoy your life.
 rustic36
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 23
Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 11/29/2009 4:44:53 AM
The problem here is OP, we can all make assumptions about what is going on, but, none of us know for sure.

It is quite possible that your ex and her family have bad mouthed about you and painted this negative picture of you to your ex's partner. I know this happened for me. I was told all these stories about my ex's children's father (when we were together as a couple, she had two kids already). Because of the picture they painted of him, I had a negative attitude toward him from day one. He often wanted to talk to me and I wasn't interested. Yeah, I went to his house a few times but we talked about his kids and when he started to talk about himself I wasn't interested. The funny thing is, after my ex and I split, I befriended the guy (her kids dad). It was then that I started seeing a clearer picture. I heard the stories from his side and hers and started putting two and two together and realised that much of what she had told me was BS and part of it was actually her behaviour not his. I mean, when we split, she started telling her family BS about me. She would turn her behaviour into mine and paint a rosy picture of herself. As it turns out, this was common for her.

So back to you, If he has been told stories about you, and his parents have been told the same stories, then this is where some of the problem lies.

Yes, once they are married, they become a family but, decisions that concern your child should be left for you and your ex to sort out. He should respect this and stay out of schooling decisions etc. There are plenty of other trivial things he can involve himself with. Your ex should respect that you are the father and actively involved with your child's life. She know's that there is an issue with PT nights and she should ask him to wait outside while you and her attend the meeting. However, CaptainBla did have a good point that you could arrange for a separate PT meeting to avoid the conflict.

If she is not respecting the 50/50 arrangement then, you need to address that situation. You need to stand up for what is reasonable. You need to stop allowing her to always get her way and walk all over you. But, you need to do it in a positive manner and respectful manner so you don't inflame the situation. It surprises me that you say all these things yet, you allowed her to have your son on his birthday when it was a day that he spends with you. You should have said to her, "I am having a party for him and his grandparents are invited (your parents) and also say to her that she and her partner is welcome to attend the party". Show that you are the better person and that you can live with them for a few hours for the sake of your son.

Be careful that your son doesn't pick up on your resentment towards his mum and her partner, this can have a negative effect. The thing is, if she is telling stories and bad mouthing you, your son will hear this and pick up on this. If your son only hears you speaking positively of his mother and partner, he will eventually see the difference and one day will probably say to her.. MUM, dad never bad mouths you, why do you talk bad about him? Let her dig her own grave. As for him (her partner) your son will notice that he doesn't like you and will more than likely side with you.

Sounds like you both need to respect each others boundaries, contact arrangements and decisions that concern your son should me made between yourself and your ex. Life is much happier when boundaries are respected and "step-dads" keep their place and stay out of decisions that should be made by the child's parents.

There is another chance that he (her partner) influences her decisions and pressures her to do things that suit him. But, you can't jump to conclusions and the fact that you both attend counselling, you should definitely bring up all these issues in a constructive manner. Let your ex hear it from the counsellor that she should do this or that and that you should always be involved in decisions concerning your child and that you have the right to celebrate your child's birthday.

My ex has a new partner now. I always wondered how I was going to feel when she found someone. I was actually surprised that it didn't bother me much. I sat back and thought about it. The guy is a Dr, he appears to be a decent bloke, he has two of his own kids, he treats my daughter well so, I guess, I need to be a little grateful that at least she isn't with some guy that treats my princess like sh*t. I also look at him and think.. Hehehee, so your the next sucker.. He has no idea what he has coming. They both have separate houses at the moment and I know for a fact that once they actually live ful-time in the same house, her true colours will come out.. haha, good luck to the man. Thankfully, I played my cards since we split and I basically have full custody of my daughter. She stays at her mums house 2 nights a week.

The hardest thing is getting over the fact that some other guy is around your child and spending time with them, when you feel it should be you. The next hardest thing is, not allowing the situation eat you up inside. Enjoy the time you spend with your child, concentrate on him, if the PT doesn't change and you can't have your own meeting, then, learn to deal with it and ignore him at the meeting and concentrate on what the teacher is talking about your son. Even speak to the principal or the teacher and explain the situation, and see what they suggest; afterall, I imagine this would not be a first for them. If you speak to the teacher, he/she may take it on board and only look at you and your ex and ignore this other guy while in the meetings.

Just try not to let it eat at you matey and when it does, think about your son and the good times you have together. Its time to let this other guy out of your mind (as hard as it is to do).

Stand up for yourself in a positive manner and get the contact arrangements you had, back on track. If it's 50/50 then, thats what its should be.

Originally my ex and I planned to alternate Christmas's but, surprising to me, my daughter has spent every Christmas with me. Her mum actually said that our daughter can spend Christmas eve and morning with me as she has her two other kids to wake up with on Christmas day and I only have my daughter.(birthdays are always a joint decision and attended by us both and my daughters friends from my side and hers) It's amazing the benefits of an amicable relationship with your child's other parent. Not only for you but, also your child.

Take care mate, wish you the best. Just try to be a little firmer and don't let her walk all over you. She obviously knows she can get away with it and uses it against you. I was like that once but not now...
 singlesuperdad
Joined: 8/26/2009
Msg: 25
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Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 11/29/2009 12:29:11 PM
He probably feels that at school meetings and such, it will be two against one and his opinion will be voted out and his opinion is valid when it comes to his son.
 rustic36
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 28
Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 11/29/2009 7:55:36 PM
I'd have to agree with mandanj,
Take 1kindman4you's advice with a big grain of salt and throw it over your shoulder.
Yeah, he had one or maybe two valid points but other than that, its just advice that lines the pockets of lawyers and will make your relationship with your ex even more hostile.

He obviously has no idea about counselling and how to deal with difficult personalities.

Mate, the more you can keep it out of court, keep it amicable, friendly and flexible to a degree that suits you both, the better it will be. Courts, orders, demands etc as he suggests all simply fuel the fire of anger.

He was right with things like: attend your child's sporting events etc. and let go of your negative feelings towards her.

Children, whether they are boys or girls need "both" mum and dad in their lives. Not one parent in one part of their life and then all of a sudden when they reach a certain age, the other parent. That's ridiculous. Children need the support of both parents throughout their lives. No one should have primary custody unless there is abuse. What you have, 50/50 is about as good as it gets for separated couples. The child gets the best of both worlds and as they get older, they will decide if they prefer to stay at one parents house more than the other.

Just let your ex know that she can't walk all over you but, don't do that in an aggressive manner or demanding manner. Some women play on the man because they know that the man is scared that if they don't submit to her demands, she might reduce access to his child. Don't fall for that. Just be fair to you, your son and your ex and let her know that you expect the same in return. As far as the "new man" in her life goes, this may take awhile for you both to adjust. He has to realise that, whether he likes it or not, you are going to be around for your entire child's life and you have to accept that he is going to be apart of your child's life. The worst thing you can do, and I'm not saying that you are doing it but, never tell your son to do or say things to him, or how he should like him or what ever. The end of day, your son know's your his dad and loves you and you shouldn't feel threatened by an outsider that you have no control over.

Stay on talking terms with your ex as best you can. Once that fails and it ends up in court as someone above suggests you should do, it will all become more difficult, more painful and you risk losing the amount of access you have. There are many, many people that find away to have a friendship with their ex's and can talk, resolve, and work out situations that regard the child/ren. It is not impossible, it just takes a little time and needs you to "let it go" (forgive her) and move on. Don't wait for her to change, you be the one to change and she will follow when she see's the difference.
 rustic36
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 30
Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 11/29/2009 9:53:13 PM
The problem is not with you ^^.. the problem is with your advice.
My experience? Is not a pat on my own back (generally people that do that are only great in their own mind) I think its called.. ..."A legend in your own mind"...
My experience is a successful "after-separation" friendship with my ex that is very beneficial to my daughter and me. A relationship that has no conflict, has flexibility and no anger and resentment.
I have been a step-father and I am now a single father. So I have seen the situation on both sides of the fence.

I'm sure the OP has a brain in his head and can see who, within this thread, is looking out for his and his child's best interests. Courts are not the best interest for anyone.

It seems obvious that your (1kind4) case was an extreme case. Psychiatrists are not brought into the picture unless one person or both are unstable, mentally ill, etc.

I'd appreciate it if you did not call me a troller thankyou. From the posts that I have seen written by you, I would say that you have projected your behaviour onto others. I have seen many posters express their disagreement with you. Unfortunately, when only one person has a problem with someone, then, maybe they have the problem. But, when more and more people continue to tell you that you are wrong or your advice is destructive, then maybe its time to have a look at yourself and to stop blaming others.

I disagree with your advice, you "react" not respond, against the person not against their advice.

I believe in making family environments and relationships/friendships happier and easier to live with; Not make some lawyer rich and thus, creating more drama than there already is in a relationship break-down.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 32
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Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 11/30/2009 7:35:10 AM

To be clear...the point I'm trying to make is it's not so much the specific incidents I've mentioned...it's about what those incidents are really symptoms of, and I feel they're symptoms of a woman who prefers to alienate me from my son rather than make every effort to facilitate a positive, healthy relationship.

And what's your point? She isn't going to change so you need to figure out how to work the situation. You can have separate conferences because you can also tell them it has not been am amicable split and you hope they will remember to take things she says about you with a grain of salt. And there is every reason for her SO to be there, the teachers can do a better job when they are familiar with the important adults in a child's life. I think the real problem is that you want to know what your ex says about you to the school officials.

You need to let go of how you fell about this man because kids aren't stupid, no matter how cordial you may act, your son will see through it whether he realizes what he sees or not. You think he is a piece of chit, so better to hope that it was just in that one area he was said piece, so that he will continue to try to treat your son decently. I don't think you have any clue how lucky you are that he seems a decent step-person, because many, many people prove to be nightmares in that area.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 33
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Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 11/30/2009 7:54:03 AM
You should establish your own traditions for holidays. Although it would be nice if everyone could be one big happy family it is not meant to be.
I would suggest hosting your own birthday parties, christmas celebrations and having teacher conference meetings when it suits you. There is no need to go together, teacher are well used to this plenty of divorced parents do this.
You and your parents should not expect to be included when she throws a party for your son. Why add to existing tension?
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 35
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Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 11/30/2009 12:46:36 PM

Why should he be forced to have everything separate? Why should the school/teachers be forced to take the extra time to see each parent separately?


Why not? Many parents never go to parent teacher meetings at all, the teacher is obligated by his tax dollars paying his/her salary to have open communication with each parent. So he/she can take 15 minutes tonce or twice a year to meet each one if they cannot stand to be in the same room. We are not talking about co-parents that get along here like you and your Ex. We are talking a guy with an axe to grind and a gal that likes to shove the new BF down his throat every chance she gets.
My friends who are divorced are mature loving parents that mainly deal with the Exes at weddings, graduations and funerals. Period. I do not know anyone who's Ex philandering spouse is welcome in their home.
I go to all parent teacher conferences, school activities, concerts, baseball games etc. My Ex is free to do all that as well.
I believe the main issue here is no real parenting agreement. I would not trust a liar and a cheat to be truthful under many circumstances so why would the OP trust that she will live up to her verbal agreements?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 41
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Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 11/30/2009 7:27:16 PM
OP, when you get the coulds, shoulds, and woulds out of the equation, you will be a much happier man. My parents were school teachers, you are making a frigging mountain out of a molehill. YOU communicate with the teacher and they won't make decisions without consulting you, period. They are paid to communicate with you, if they don't, they have a principal, if the principal doesn't respond satisfactorily, there are usually 2-3 more officials until you get to the superintendent. Let me assure you, a parent who carbon copies the superintendent with e-mails, the schools don't screw with and you don't get shoved out of the picture by anybody.

What your ex should do and what's going to happen are two entirely different things and because you can't control her end of it, you can do what you can to make sure that you are included in the decisions made for your child and so that your child is not affected by the bullshit of his parents, period.

All of the other issues of this thread are details that in many ways have absolutely nothing to do with your son or the efficacy of the school staff, etc. It is essentially a pissing match, one you choose to remain involved with.
 CaliCharmer
Joined: 11/21/2009
Msg: 42
Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 11/30/2009 8:42:56 PM

OP, when you get the coulds, shoulds, and woulds out of the equation, you will be a much happier man. My parents were school teachers, you are making a frigging mountain out of a molehill. YOU communicate with the teacher and they won't make decisions without consulting you, period. They are paid to communicate with you, if they don't, they have a principal, if the principal doesn't respond satisfactorily, there are usually 2-3 more officials until you get to the superintendent. Let me assure you, a parent who carbon copies the superintendent with e-mails, the schools don't screw with and you don't get shoved out of the picture by anybody.

What your ex should do and what's going to happen are two entirely different things and because you can't control her end of it, you can do what you can to make sure that you are included in the decisions made for your child and so that your child is not affected by the bullshit of his parents, period.

All of the other issues of this thread are details that in many ways have absolutely nothing to do with your son or the efficacy of the school staff, etc. It is essentially a pissing match, one you choose to remain involved with.


Agreed! The OP needs to take a step back here. There are a myriad of ways he can fix the parent teacher conferences besides giving ultimatums to his ex, which of course will never work. Who ever backs down from ultimatums?!

Like I said before, the OP needs to take the initiative to make sure he is included in important events. Trying to EXCLUDE the other guy is NEVER going to work. She is going to bring him until an outside body tells her she cant. And that will probably never happen unless you become such a pain in the ass for the school that the school will also hate you.

Move on man, pick your battles. Arguing over a birthday party at her place is ridiculous. Arguing over him being in the same room during a parent teacher conference is ridiculous (you could easily communicate to the school that you and your ex are the primary parents).

OP, I still don't believe a word you are saying about taking the high rode.
 daydreamin_honey
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 47
Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 12/1/2009 11:42:17 AM
My ex husband and I split amicably to preserve a friendly relationship for our son as well, so for the most part, I understand what you've said your situation is and what's gone on. My ex accepts the fact that he's not able to be a 24/7 dad and i've tried to make sure to extend every opportunity to be more involved than the every other weekend visits. We have had a few bickers but overall we have kept things more than civil and often share celebrations (holidays, birthday, dinner parties).
It sounds like your ex is taking advantage of the situation and despite the fact you've brought the problem to her attention, has no real concern for your stance as father. She seems to be more concerned with getting what she wants out of the situation and to heck with you and your family, who your son really needs to have in his life. Step parents/families can be a wonderful ADDITION to the picture, but they are never meant to replace the original parents/family. That's just sick on her part to even think to allow it!
I explained this all to my ex when we met, that my son's father and I were co-parenting, got along well and shared celebrations. If that was going to be a problem, then we would not have taken things any farther.
Sounds like your ex found a real turd to me. He should be happy that the child has a father that is so involved in his life! Hurray you! He should be going out of HIS way to befriend you and make life better for EVERYONE. But instead he gets the "new guy" attitude that any ex is out of the picture and he's the new big man in the picture... wrongo.
I would definately bring it up once more in counseling. If that does nothing, get the counselor's notes and take it to court... as much as you don't want to, it may be the only way you can get things thru to her that you are not a doormat!

As for the parent teacher meetings, have your ex and "him" go at one time and arrange a seperate time to meet with the teachers yourself. As for the birthdays ... you're gonna have to take a stand and say "i'm going to be involved, he's my child too, YOU can attend the party *I* will be throwing him but only if HE can be civil". Don't let her abuse your kindness or it will only get worse and worse I assure you.

Hang in there hun, sounds like you are doing all you can and your son is lucky to have his daddy in his life.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 51
Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 12/1/2009 4:31:38 PM

(ConsciousSoul) Perhaps you could give us some concrete examples about how this man is interfering, undermining or intrude on your role as a dad, so we can better understand your point of view?


The peril with that (not that I think it's not a good idea; just, it has its risks) is that most people will then analyze his instances one by one, and overcoming them, and then thinking that because they've logically argued against his points, triumphantly, that he then has nothing to worry about.

Binroe...
 singlesuperdad
Joined: 8/26/2009
Msg: 52
view profile
History
Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 12/1/2009 5:04:30 PM
A few have said court and a few have said not.
I was one that said yes because

Talking to his ex is not working
the ex and her SO are undermining his ability to be a father
what is the alternitive?
If he keeps going the road he is on he might as well just give his kid a kiss goodbye and step out of the picture altogether
as a father that hasn't had his parental rights taken his opinion does count and right now it doesn't. There needs to be a meadiator and in my opinion that would be a judge not a counseler.

just my opinion, counselers did nothing in my case at all, except prolong it. monthes and months of it for nothing except spreading dollars around.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 53
Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 12/1/2009 5:12:29 PM

Bottom line, I don't care if it's P.C. or not, but I'm that boys dad and I don't particularly care for any pseudo-dads, or moms with an unrealistic sense of entitlement complicating my job. I'm willing to share the responsibility with mom...but I really have no interest or patience for anyone else regardless of where they reside or how they got involved. I wouldn't let a relative stranger interefere with my role if we were still married so why should that change just because we aren't???


Dude, I really do get what you're saying unlike many of the saintly bunch that is trying to tell you that you need to kiss your ex's ass and let her do whatever she wants depsite how you feel about things.

I really think you need to eliminate her from any situations that she insists that her guy attend.

In short: fvck her, fvck him.

Tell her that you are going to split everything 50/50 as far as birthdays and holidays go. I've been doing that with my ex for years and it works well.

If she insists that she's going to do the b-day or Christmas, just do your own. Arrange with teachers to do your own meeting. There is NO reason to attend with her especially if she insists on bringingn her guy.

I HATE it when my ex tries to push me together with her latest guy. She's been doing that since the guy she left me for and every "long-term" guy since.

No reason to get into any sort of conflict about it, just tell her you're going to do your own thing.

I guess one of the good things about my ex and I is that we really are on the same page as far as the kids go, so I trust that she's going to make good decisions about what is best where they are concerned. But, if I ever felt that the guy she's seeing is getting in the way, I'd just tell her I have absolutely zero interest in what he has to say, which is something I've said on a few occasions.

Your relationship with your kid is the most important. If it's best for you, just do it on your own and tell her that's the way you are going to do it.

Good luck.

 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 56
view profile
History
Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 12/2/2009 7:34:07 AM
What you may also want to consider is the position you are putting your son in regards to his feelings towards this man. What you may be doing is forcing your son to choose between having a decent realtionship with this man and making you happy by siding with you against him. I dont think it is too much of a stretch to imagine your son being torn between wanting a decent relationship with this man and if you continue to try and force him out, you are possibly making your son feel like he has to choose between you and this man. Your son is quite young and isnt able to deal with the complexities of this type of scenario and will only be able to see it in a context that he understands.

Dad=Good
Man=Bad

I think your son is most likely picking up on the vibes that are going on here and I think you would be fooling yourself to think he isnt aware of the tensions here.
 singlesuperdad
Joined: 8/26/2009
Msg: 59
view profile
History
Parental duties and the third wheel.
Posted: 12/2/2009 9:13:18 AM
I guess I'd better be careful how I post so mine aren't cleaned up too.
Op, IN MY CASE, DCF made her go to rehab( forcing someone to clean up doesn't work) and made both of us do counseling. She admited it was all her fault in sessions. Stating she cheated, lied, manipulated, and did drugs on my dollar. She admited that all her actions were the cause of our break up. She even said I was great for giving her chance after chance. But guess what, It didn't change anything she continued because there was nobody she was going to listen to, even the judge. She was going to do things her way regardless of the conciquences. So in the end they gave me the kids because she wouldn't comply with dcf or the courts. I'm not saying your ex is that way, but some people are and won't listen to anyone. After all I went through, I won't suggest counseling in a situation like this. Counseling is only good whne both parties want help to straighten out some problems in their lives that they both want to find a solution to. Couseling won't help if only one party wants help, It just doesn't work. As soon as the sessions over , things go back to the same old same old. Youve now paid the therypists morgage for that month and still are unhappy. At least with it going before a judge you'll get a finally answer, good or bad it will be over. I suffered for my kids for six years and yes it was worth it. But I didn't have the money to fight. I had to wait for them to give her chance after chance to be a good mom and after six years they finally said , ok enough is enough.

Nav he may be a po'd guy but if he's not this is how I feel. So Op if you are just mad and/or jealous then maybe counseling is the answer, but just for you to get a grip on the fact that you ex has a new life and your kid is going to be a part of it. So in this case you may need help in figuring out how to coop and find a way to be the best dad for your son with out becoming his problem. Cause all this anger is going to make him unhappy. I'm one to see both sides but in this case and many in the forums we only hear one side and have to us our best judgement to post on the info given
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