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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Do people change?      Home login  
Joined: 12/29/2007
Msg: 5
Do people change?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Yes everybody changes wether they will admit it or not they will change in some fashion
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 6
Do people change?
Posted: 11/28/2009 1:13:43 PM
no, they tend to repeat the same patterns all their lives
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 9
Do people change?
Posted: 11/28/2009 1:52:58 PM
I was talking with a close friend of mine about this. He is adamant that people never change, whereas I disagree. Maybe not by a whole lot, and definitely not overnight, but we change, don't we? I mean, especially at our ages (I'm 22 and my friend is 25), when we're slowly transitioning into adulthood.

So what do you think? Do you think who we are at our very cores never changes with time?

Yes, people change as we get older, depending on the individuals circumstances.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 11
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Do people change?
Posted: 11/28/2009 2:14:53 PM
The ability to change is in direct correlation to greed:

If changing will beget a desired result and that desired result outweighs the consequences of NOT changing.. then you will be successful in changing. If there is no hope or personal insight that betterment will be forthcoming from the change, .. then most people will take the attitude; why bother?
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 12
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Do people change?
Posted: 11/28/2009 2:20:23 PM
The only time we don't change is when we're dead but we do have the ability to hang onto the b.s. that is screwed up which is probably what he is referring to. Habits are shed with more difficulty as one ages but age also brings wisdom and you will find that shit that totally irritates the crap out of you now, ten years from now, you'll be like whatever.

Most of us have some values that are fairly strong but to believe that people don't change is utterly ridiculous. One of the people that was present when the Little Rock school system was integrated and treated the black students very badly twenty years later had not only totally changed her perception, she was pretty mortified at her own behavior.

More important than the previous behavior was the fact that she opened her mind and chose to change. For me, I am somewhat of a cynic to a degree so when I get a flat tire I'm not immediately going, well this is no big, it takes me a few minutes to remember that someone will come along that can actually loosen those lug nuts. What's important is that I have learned to flip things and look for the good rather than continue focusing on the downside.

Has my character really changed? To a degree it hasn't, I will probably always have the initial reaction to a lot of things but there are also many, many things that do not even register negative with me anymore. To that extent, I have changed, I am a calmer, happier person and considering that I was wound like a top, anal etc. when I left home at 19, I think most people would agree that description falls pretty far from who I am today.
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 17
Do people change?
Posted: 11/28/2009 2:48:53 PM
Yes. No. The cautious personality isn't going to become a leaper who doesn't look first. Or vice versa. But the cautious *can* learn to leap (after suitable precautions are taken, lol!) And the leaper *can* learn to at least look (a little) before the leap. . . . I use these two examples because they are my two sons. I've been watching them for more than forty years. But in my general observation, it's true of many other types, also. A liar can learn not to, if it keeps costing too much. A truthteller can learn to lie if their life depends on it. Etc.

I'm pathologically shy: new situations and lots of people tend to paralyze me. But I've really really hated the fear that goes with it, and with sixty-five years of working on it, I don't *present* as shy at all. Only peeps who know me very well know that I am. But the truth is: I still am very shy. And I still get scared in new situations. The difference is, now I just plow through, heart beating a mile a minute, smile glued on. . . .

On the whole I wouldn't look for, nor expect, a whole lot of change in any human, being.

 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 18
Do people change?
Posted: 11/28/2009 2:49:29 PM
People can change and do change regularly. However, if a person does not want change within themself, they won't change.

Drug addicts, alcoholics, thiefs, chronic liars are example of things a person sometimes chooses not to change. In the world of ethics (personally and secularly speaking) people only change if they want to.

In the secular world I was intolerant of some people. As an adult in the secular world, I can only chuckle and think to myself, "I was just like that (young) person.... I'm glad I changed my attitude and my behaviour since then."
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 19
Do people change?
Posted: 11/28/2009 2:51:05 PM
People make lifestyle changes by degree and at times as the need arises, and/or they have the desire to. As far as their personality or characteristics, it's by degree and as it's necessary and/or wanted.

The changes people make because of someone else's desires or trying to force it on them are nearly always temporary and only done with unspoken resentment.
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 24
Do people change?
Posted: 11/28/2009 3:47:19 PM
People change if they want to change. Other people cannot change us.

...and this bird you cannot change. Lynard Skynard, Freebird
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 25
Do people change?
Posted: 11/28/2009 3:50:45 PM
Your core values are probably set but that doesn't mean you can't grow, mature and change your opinions of different things. When I was your age, I 'needed' to be in a relationship in order to feel worthwhile. That lasted until my early 40's, when I finally came to realize, and really accept, that I didn't need a man to make my life complete. It did take a lot of introspection, and dealing with childhood issues, to be able to break away from the unhealthy patterns of the past. Aside from that, I am basically the same person in most other aspects of my personality as I was in my 20's... just a more mature version. I try not to be as judgmental and more understanding than I may have been at a younger age.
Joined: 7/6/2009
Msg: 32
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Do people change?
Posted: 11/28/2009 5:39:07 PM
Do people change? That's a really general question. I believe people can change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. It depends upon what facet of their lives they want to change. For example, most cheaters, criminals, drug abusers, or alcoholics would have a more difficult time changing than those with other negative traits, such as trying to be a better listener, trying to communicate better, having more patience, being less angry, being more organized, being more attentive to your loved ones needs, etc. We should all strive to change for the better, but we have to WANT to badly enough.
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 34
Do people change?
Posted: 11/28/2009 5:58:25 PM
Of course people change if they so choose.

Change is tough, though. As a broad, sweeping generalization, an extremely compelling reason is often needed to facilitate change.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 36
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Do people change?
Posted: 11/28/2009 6:39:22 PM
^^^ I wish I could change many (most?) men's mind that not all women are alike and, that sometimes a man does the ole bait and switch and it is he, who changed to be a "smoker, cheater, boozer, etc .. AFTER the marriage was well on it's way ..
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 38
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Do people change?
Posted: 11/28/2009 7:34:25 PM

Wishes - The men you say changed actually never did change in reality. They were always smokers, cheaters, etc, but put on an act of not being so until after the wedding, when the dropped the act and let their real sides show through
I do believe you agree with my post then and it negates your blanket statement that:

Women often marry men they can't stand, while thinkinmg "I will change him
I think that more often; people may stay with a partner who finally displays his/her real personae to try and change them back to who they were when they were baiting. They stay at least until they realize that "the actor" has no desire to be who they acted to be.. and that is when the union ends.
 Terry Pie
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 40
Do people change?
Posted: 11/28/2009 7:44:23 PM
NO!!!!,They just become better actors for a while.
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 42
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Do people change?
Posted: 11/28/2009 8:26:10 PM
Certainly. Of COURSE people change. Staying the same would only be possible in a stasis field.
The frustration expressed in the old quotes about dogs and leopards, is that it's difficult to get people to change in exactly the way you WANT them to.

No doubt the adamant friend you spoke of was thinking of the desired changes that DIDN'T come, when he said that people never change.
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 48
Do people change?
Posted: 11/29/2009 6:21:06 AM
The women who get fooled by such actors are not those who knowingly marry a guy thinking to change him. They are those who rush into relationships without really looking close at their men. They fail to really get to know their man.

may I modify this slightly? If I may, please change "women" to "people","men" and "man" to "themselves"

I have three male friends who rushed into marriage/committed relationships in the last year and have either ended those relationships or are having serious less than a year!

this brings to mind another old ditty: "marry in haste, repent at leisure"

I only know the men in these hook-ups but I think this applies to both people...
There were two people in each of these scenarios who were 1. Acting out of charactor to appeal to someone 2. Hopeful the relationship would cause them to be happy and/or 3. Counting on effortless change.

Change - especially so called core change - requires incredible effort.

Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 49
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Do people change?
Posted: 11/29/2009 6:23:19 AM
Sometimes life FORCES us to change. We either change or die. My brother passing away shattered my world, hollowed me out to the core, and instilled in me a lot of doubt, questioning everything and feeling a need for faith in a higher power. I think I relied too much on my brother for strength rather than possessing strength of my own. He was my barometer for my own feelings, my rock, and I'm sure he fed off my practical nature too when his life felt crazy and out-of-control.

I feel connected to that higher source now, and, as a result still feel connected to him. I'm stronger, physically and emotionally, than I was 3 years ago when he died.

I also feel as though I've put away childish things, things I used to feel were important, material things, and now am playing with adult things, people and feelings.

At the same time, I feel I've become hard and coarse, and have lost that soft sweetness I used to possess, as though I'm afraid to love, for fear of loss. This troubles me. Maybe the right person and the right set of circumstances will allow that soft side to surface again. Right now, there's nobody in the picture who encourages that, and I feel it's the time to be lean and mean, and attack work with a vengeance to build up some financial security.

When things are completely honky-dorey, I think we all tend to fall into a complacent rut. We need some life-shattering event to shake us up and force us to change, usually a loss of some kind. Shows us what we're made of, which, in my case, was sweet sh-t.
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 51
Do people change?
Posted: 11/29/2009 6:19:42 PM
You can make anyone change, even against their will:

1) Get emotional leverage and link massive, immediate, unbearable pain to the present behavior.

2) Link massive, immediate and intense pleasure to the behavioral change sought.

3) Condition this linkage regularly until it is self-sustaining.

This use of the principle that people will avoid pain and seek pleasure is well established. The science of Neuro-Linguistic Programming has been successfully used to treat everything from anxiety to smoking cessation.

Warning: This can be manipulated and can be extremely dangerous. People have had their entire belief system shattered using this technique.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 53
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Do people change?
Posted: 11/29/2009 6:44:21 PM
People change all of the time. And then we die.

Random thoughts of change:

* The time when people really seem to question "can people change?" is only when they want someone to change; often when they want someone to be who they are not, or to feel something they don't.

* I sometimes wonder if the people who say "people don't change" are the same people who say "the relationship started off great and then he/she changed".

* Change is one of the things people fear the most. Often we give lip-service to change but, beneath the brave words, we're running amuck trying to make sure nothing changes.
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 54
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Do people change?
Posted: 11/29/2009 6:50:02 PM
I keep remembering George Lucas' message in Star Wars Episodes I-III, about Anakin Skywalker. Anakin was an earnest lad who liked things to always stay the same. That, of course, was not the case. The galaxy was in a constant state of turmoil and a peaceful republic was about to be overturned by a vicious dictator, and his own mother was about to be slain by a band of sand people. Soon, his pregnant wife would die under the strain of stress.

He couldn't roll with the changes, he couldn't let people come and go, pass away, dissolve into the Force, and thus, he became greedy and his need to control everything and everyone around him, and a belief instilled in him by the dark lord of the Sith, Palpatine aka Lord Sidious, that he could save the people he loved from dying, led to his inevitable trip down the dark side, where he became so consumed by rage and lust for power, whence he ultimately and tragically morphed into the evil dark lord of the Sith that we all know, one bad-ass, black-helmetted figure named Darth Vader-!

To quote Yoda, "you must train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose". Strikes a powerful chord when I think of my dear brother, who has indeed transformed into the Force. By attempting to hold onto the memories of him in his human form, I distance myself from him and am causing myself endless pain and suffering. By getting in touch with the SOURCE from where he (and all of us) came from, I AM in touch with him.
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 55
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Do people change?
Posted: 11/29/2009 7:01:18 PM
I've known some people to change, and some not. I found that people would continue in the same ways as before, no matter what. Then, when they DID change, they didn't just change one thing, they changed all sorts of things, and after speaking with them, it was like talking to a different person.

So I guess you could say that if you were dating someone, then they don't change that often, and when they do, they are so different, that it's like you've dumped them anyway, and are on a first date with an entirely new person. Either way, the old relationship with the old person is history.
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 56
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Do people change?
Posted: 11/29/2009 10:00:16 PM
I have contemplated this question a lot in my life. Can I change? I most certainly hope that I can; and I am most grateful that I have, at times, and under certain circumstances.

Case in point, when I started seeing my father in me, especially as it related to my son, I made a concerted effort to either banish, control, or at the very least, hide that reflection. It was not a good character and my son did not need to grow up with the images of a father that I grew up with.

So, while it may be true that others cannot force us, normally, to change it is my belief that for others we can and do change.

{there are times I wish I were not my father's son, but then I wouldn't be the father that I am}
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 58
Do people change?
Posted: 11/30/2009 6:57:27 AM
Perhaps you need to approach it this way. Do people change? Absolutely. But, can you change someone? NOPE.

People grow and evolve, but the fabric that makes a person, will always remains the same. When people change, they change from within, not from the outside. When someone goes against the fabric of their own being, eventually they get tired of that and revert to what they know. So, do not try to change someone because they will not. But realize that the person that you are at 25 is going to be very different that the person you are at 40.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 61
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Do people change?
Posted: 12/1/2009 10:43:43 PM
I know that my ex-wife did. Either that, or she VERY skillfully hid who she truly was for a long time. Or I was blind.

Myself? I have been told by friends, and I take it as a compliment, that I haven't changed a bit... I'm still the same person they knew me to be 10 years ago. Since they liked that person, and I was comfortable with that person, I take it as a good thing.

Will I change in the future? I have no idea.
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