Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > adopted = no children ... wait, what?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 spot4username
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 1
adopted = no children ... wait, what? Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Well I did the obligatory thread search and saw loads of stuff in regards to adoption but not this particular situation.

Before I even give a brief synopsis let me say yes, I know I should MYOB. My issue is that this is a very small town and I have already had girlfriends who have seen this guy's profile ask if I know him and what I think. Ugh.

*The gist*

A couple I know got divorced. He is apparently checking out the internet dating scene. His profile states that he has no children but would like them someday. He and his wife have two adopted children. I have no idea what the particulars of custody are. I have never been too close to either of them but do know them well enough that we know numbers, emails etc of each other. I do know that I feel these are his children and have been since the decision to adopt. I know that if he chooses on his stats to say he is childless that is his business and maybe others don't see it as I do.

*the Question(s)*

What do I say to the "interested parties"? When a friend says hey do you know this guy? What do you think of him? Etc. Saying I don't know him really isn't an option (and I truly suck at lying). Given who we both are in this small town it is pretty obvious that we should know one another.

Oh wise ones of the POF Forums please advise me.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 2
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 7:38:08 AM
Wow...that guy is a douchebag.


Your friends deserve to know the truth about him before meeting him.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 3
view profile
History
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 7:43:10 AM
There have been cases where one parent was the sole name on the adoption papers which would technically make the children not his, also if he gave up all rights to them he could also claim to be childless.
Still he sounds like a complete douchebag though.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 4
view profile
History
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 8:17:57 AM
The main question you ask seems pretty simple to me: if a FRIEND asks you if you know the guy, and what you think of him, you tell the truth to your friend. You think he's an irresponsible, and if not lying, at least obfuscating poopy head.
Now if you are speaking to someone checking up on him for a loan, or a job, or whatever, that would be different. Then, you'd have to accept responsibility for what ever you say in a legal sense.
The label "friend" on the questioner makes it a no-brainer for me.
 indefatigabilis
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 5
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 8:20:22 AM
It is easy to see douchebags when you look for them. regardless of whether they are in fact there.

You don't know the facts about his situation. Find them out. Ask him whether he is an adoptive parent or not. Then if women ask you, you can tell them. He already says he has no children, so you could accept that, unless it is your duty to ferret out liars and to expose them as douchebags.

I'd like to know who I might ask about you, so I can decide if your post here is sincere or perhaps the evil doing of a douchbaggette.

Not really, I am not curious.

 JohnEDeep
Joined: 7/9/2007
Msg: 6
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 8:38:42 AM
In my opinion, adoption is a big commitment. One that, to my knowledge, does not end as easily as a marriage. (Yes, I'm very aware of the irony inherent in that statement.) Sounds like I honor my cats more than he does kids.

If he so cavalierly dismisses his connection and commitment to those children, then I'd have to lower my opinion of him as a person. To share that opinion or not is a tough call, but if someone asked, I'd mention his adopted responsibilities without passing along judgement...just the facts as known.

Perhaps a response along the line of "Gee, I wonder who got custody of the adopted children?" would do the trick.
 spot4username
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 7
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 8:39:44 AM
It is easy to see douchebags when you look for them. regardless of whether they are in fact there.


True dat.


You don't know the facts about his situation. Find them out. Ask him whether he is an adoptive parent or not. Then if women ask you, you can tell them. He already says he has no children, so you could accept that, unless it is your duty to ferret out liars and to expose them as douchebags.


I know he is an adoptive parent. I know this because I have known the family for years. I know not just them but brothers, sisters in law, cousins, etc. I do not think it is my duty to ferret anyone out but... I do feel it is my duty to be honest with friends. I think not telling them is lying by omission. Blah. I have no idea why he chooses to say he has no children. I really don't want to ask him. So... I saw you with the kids at the fall festival last week but I notice that you don't claim them when you are looking for dates :/


I'd like to know who I might ask about you, so I can decide if your post here is sincere or perhaps the evil doing of a douchbaggette.


If I am an evil doing douchbaggette do I get a cool costume? The villains usually get the coolest costumes and lairs. Do I get a cool lair too? What about henchmen? I really would like some henchmen to do my bidding.


Not really, I am not curious.


meh. Story of my life.
 SoftAndHappy
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 8
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 9:10:43 AM

To share that opinion or not is a tough call, but if someone asked, I'd mention his adopted responsibilities without passing along judgement...just the facts as known.

Yup! This is what I would do too... "Yeah, I know him. He was married to so-and-so. They had x number of adopted kids. Hmmm... his profile doesn't show it? I wonder what happened there." Done.
 imalitltpot
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 9
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 9:12:17 AM
I'd be inclined to send him a friendly e-mail telling him what you know. Tell him women have asked you about him, and ask how he would like to you respond (but tell him you won't lie for him).
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 10
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 10:14:01 AM

Be honest. If anyone asks about the guy say that actually Yes you knew both him and his ex and their two lovely children. That they were wonderful and adopted out of the love in their hearts...

Oh, I like that! Very nice.

If there are cool costumes and henchmen, how evil do I have to be to get some, too? Especially the henchmen! That would be so handy.

What really troubles me about this is the possibility of the kids seeing the profile. He's probably assuming they won't and that's short-sighted at best. Not knowing their ages, they may or may not be at the snoop-y stage yet, but if they are, or if he's a little careless with what he leaves open, there's a distinct risk that they may see that the man they've known as Daddy is denying their existence on his dating advertisement. Or they might just hear about it from another adult. Ow.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 11
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 10:30:28 AM

they may see that the man they've known as Daddy is denying their existence .


Oh, tell me about it. When my sons dad got married last summer, they made him sit in the back of the church. Why? Because none of his friends or collegues know that my son exists. My son is also absent from all the family wedding pictures....

That's why I think this guy is a douche
 spot4username
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 12
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 10:34:43 AM

Be honest. If anyone asks about the guy say that actually Yes you knew both him and his ex and their two lovely children. That they were wonderful and adopted out of the love in their hearts...


Oh, I like that! Very nice.

Agreed. This is an excellent way to handle the uncomfortable subject without just outing him as a liar in a straight up b*tch mode way. Passive aggressive awesomeness.


What really troubles me about this is the possibility of the kids seeing the profile. He's probably assuming they won't and that's short-sighted at best. Not knowing their ages, they may or may not be at the snoop-y stage yet, but if they are, or if he's a little careless with what he leaves open, there's a distinct risk that they may see that the man they've known as Daddy is denying their existence on his dating advertisement. Or they might just hear about it from another adult. Ow.


They are young (elementary school age) so I don't think they would stumble upon the profile on their own but if left open when around they are both old enough to read and comprehend the content. Now... the fact that this is such a small town and they could overhear adults mention it is very much a reality. Single men my age are rare here. His profile is very new and I have had half a dozen friends inquire. Fresh meat as it were.

And yes, I want my henchmen!! They can get started in the dining room. It needs to be painted.
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 13
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 10:53:14 AM
I agree with one of the posters above ... this guy is a complete douchebag.

Other than that, I've given up trying to figure out how or why people say or do things.

This is along the same line as people my age who have grown children who no longer live at home -- yet they state on their profiles they have no children ...
 WasabiGal
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 14
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 10:53:22 AM
what Landra says:


Since you have no idea what the particulars of custody are and have never been too close to either of them, you can only state the facts: He and his wife have two adopted children.


that's all you need to say...no need to add adjectives such as loving or caring or any embellishments. You do not need to engage in any speculation as to why his profile differs. You do not need to contact the guy. All questions regarding the whys and wherefores can be asked by the potential female daters.

After you've been on a dating site for awhile, we all learn that people lie in order (they rationalize) to attract more people. I'd wager that this guy's kids are living primarily with the ex-wife, and because they are adopted, I wouldn't be surprised if he believes he is telling the truth that the he has no children. I have seen it before on PoF where men's profiles have said that they have no children, but his biological kids are living with the mother. So no doubt this guy doesn't want to hurt his dating chances.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 15
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 11:04:53 AM

Oh, tell me about it. When my sons dad got married last summer, they made him sit in the back of the church. Why? Because none of his friends or collegues know that my son exists. My son is also absent from all the family wedding pictures....


I - I, of all people - am just... speechless.


 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 16
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 11:08:49 AM

I - I, of all people - am just... speechless.
.


Yeah...I didn't know this until 6 months ago...so yeah, my sons dad has been hiding this 'secret' for almost 14 years...
 spot4username
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 17
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 11:50:56 AM

Question: How do you know that this guy is Internet dating and that you know what is exactly stated on his profile?


Because he has a profile on a dating site (match) and he came up as one of my "Daily 5". I read the stats... they say Have kids: No Want kids: Someday


Moreover, how did this "friend" know to specifically ask you for advice - most profiles dont have much personal info up and makes one wonder how your "friend" realized that you knew this guy


That would be friends (as in multiple). I was not asked for advice (reading comprehension is your friend) I was asked if I know him and what I think of him if I do know him. This is a small town. In fact it is an island. We have a 4x9 mile living area. Given his age it is only natural that I would be asked if I know him. I have lived on the island for 15 years. If I go through the list of men on match within 10 yrs of my age who live here on the island I have crossed paths with every single one of them through children, work, mutual friends, you get the idea. There are also a couple of other things (like interests) on his profile that made the girls ask me if I knew him. Think of it like this, if you teach a class on basket weaving* in your very small town and basket weaving is listed as an interest for someone, people might think you know your fellow basket weaving enthusiast. *hobby has been changed to protect the innocent.


My bet is that this "friend" is really you, and that you came across his profile while doing a local search for people to date. If it bothers you that much, just confront him about it and instead of trolling for advice for a hypothetical situation.


I hate to burst your conspiracy theory bubble but it's not me. He doesn't fit my search criteria so he wouldn't show up on a search if I did it. sidebar - this is one of my probs with match and their Daily 5, they send me guys that are waaaaaay off base for me. More than once my friends and I have started talking with the same man. It was funny the first time but by around the 5th time it ceased to be amusing. Now we send each other user names when we are interested in someone to make sure one of us is not already talking with the guy. I have actually thought about mentioning to him that I saw his profile. *shrug* Not sure what the point would be. As I stated previously I would not be comfortable just saying straight up to him So... noticed that you have disowned your kids on your dating profile.

I figure it is like anything else that goes with online dating. He will get outed at some point. Same as with the height, weight, age, etc. lies that are rampant. In the meantime I am using Cowboy's advice when I am asked. I like it.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 18
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 11:52:02 AM
I would tell them what I know, if I was asked. Other than that, I'd keep my mouth shut since it would be none of my business.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 19
view profile
History
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 11:59:17 AM
That's really weak on your ex's part Tracy, no wonder you consider him a DB. The thing is, your son is old enough to know the score too, and I'm sure someday his father will regret his actions, when your son turns the tables and doesn't want anything to do with him.

As far as the kids being adopted from the OP's post, it makes no difference other than semantics. Once he and his wife took on the responsibility of adopting those children and raising them, he became their father, no matter how hard he tries to evade it. It is a MYOB situation, but classless fools like this soon reveal themselves for what they truly are, without the need for small town gossip.
 KnotUrFuturex
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 20
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 12:00:24 PM
Once they have asked what you REALLY know..... then tell them what you REALLY KNOW.

You are more worried about what the 'small town people' will say if you reveal 'the truth', and potentially being branded a 'gossip'...... Don't confuse ones who are 'small town gossips' with being one who tells the truth... Small town gossips RARELY know the truth but volunteer information anyway. If you give accurate and truthful information when finally ASKED and not one second UNTIL you are asked....., you are doing neither....
 spot4username
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 21
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 12:26:20 PM

Besides, think about how stupid it is to lie on your profile when you live in a small town?


This is actually the first thing that popped into my head! I mean really, everyone knows everyone else here. It is incestuous. You can't talk with someone for more than 2 minutes in the aisle at the grocery store without someone calling you to ask about it before you even get home and get your groceries put away.

Since I posted this topic I have already gotten a text message from a friend asking if this is about the guy she asked me about... oy vey. Of course I said yes and her response was to use the apparent word of the day - douchebag.

Thanks to all the wise forum peoples. People who don't participate or at least read the forums have no idea what they are missing.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 22
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 12:47:35 PM

Since I posted this topic I have already gotten a text message from a friend asking if this is about the guy she asked me about... oy vey. Of course I said yes and her response was to use the apparent word of the day - douchebag.

Ha. Well, it's out now! And a good thing, too.
 Sun_Devil_92
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 23
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 2:38:12 PM
OP, my vote is to just note what you know him, and just offer your opinion specifically about him. Don't get me wrong - you have the "moral" authority to state more. However, at the end of the day, we all have to sleep in the bed that we have made whether it is fair or not. Getting in the middle of the "children" situation might messy up your bed a little, and you going to have to live with the results of whatever you say ... and that is especially true when you live in a small town.

Let me give a "for instance" relating to my own life:

Up to recently, I thought I might be moving to Kentucky for a new job - however, I found that I'm moving to Columbia, South Carolina. Actually I'm very excited about it - much warmer weather than where I live, and I'm sure the people are nice. However, one little thing about my past is that I'm not the only one in my family that has ever been to Columbia, South Carolina.

My great-great-great-grandfather was there.
He was traveling with General Sherman and 62,000 of his close friends.
While he was visiting, there was a small fire ....

Now I think that most people probably don't dwell on something that happened 150 years ago. Furthermore, I would be in the "right" to share my family history. However, my spidey-sense is telling me that when I move down there in a month I might want to keep that information to myself until I truly know someone - and even then, I'll probably keep it to myself if it really doesn't contribute anything to the discussion. I want to keep my bed clean.

I wish for you the best.
 sweetlikesugarcane
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 24
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 4:50:40 PM
No. You are correct. He has children albeit not biological ones.

SMH
 imalitltpot
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 25
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 6:49:08 PM
Is there ANY chance that since he's new to online dating, he's simply not comfortable revealing everything about himself? I can remember being a little timid about revealing too much. I still stand by my suggestion of e-mailing him.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > adopted = no children ... wait, what?