Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 jr123567
Joined: 2/15/2009
Msg: 1
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?Page 1 of 1    
Okay, I've noticed that numerous women on here have posted threads with the theme of "we had a great first date, he was attracted to me, yet he didn't want to set up a second date, why?" Yet I still haven't seen answers that make sense to me.

The main answer is usually "because he met someone else he likes better". But I don't get it - did you make a lifetime commitment to woman B the instant you met her, thus stopping you from dating woman A again? I mean, you can date (not sleep with!) both people until you need to make a decision. Isn't that the point of dating, to get to know people to determine compatibility?

I guess the way I look at it, if there is any attraction at all, plus some shared interests, it's worth a second date and maybe a third. It's romantic to believe you can find an instant, 100 percent connection with someone you just met, but it doesn't predict relationship success. This site is filled with people who dated or married their supposed soulmate, only to go through a bad breakup and end up on here.

So, with that in mind, what propels you to ask for a second date and beyond?
 raxarsr
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 2
view profile
History
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?
Posted: 12/3/2009 2:14:43 PM
if i enjoyed myself and the company....i ask for a second date....

i think in many cases with someone not wanting a second date......the reason is that the other person didnt like the date as much.but was being polite and "making the best " of things
 something_witty
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 3
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?
Posted: 12/3/2009 2:21:28 PM
If I want to see her again, I'll ask. Conversely, if I don't, I don't.

Fairly intuitive, no?!

Just because one person enjoys the date and/or wants to explore things further doesn't mean the feeling is mutual. Not sure what is so hard to understand about that.
 jr123567
Joined: 2/15/2009
Msg: 4
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?
Posted: 12/3/2009 2:34:43 PM

Just because one person enjoys the date and/or wants to explore things further doesn't mean the feeling is mutual. Not sure what is so hard to understand about that.


No, of course the concept is not hard to understand, but inconsistent behavior confuses people. The same question is posted on various threads (over and over again from many women and from some men too) indicating they went on a date with someone who, they thought, showed clear signs of attraction yet chose not to pursue it. So, which is it -

1. You really were attracted to your date yet for some reason don't want to pursue it?
2. You were not attracted to your date, but pretended like you were, which is dishonest.
3. You were not attracted to your date and believed you acted consistent with that, but your date completely misread the signals and thought you were interested.
 Decisive
Joined: 10/4/2008
Msg: 5
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?
Posted: 12/3/2009 2:48:16 PM
[1. You really were attracted to your date yet for some reason don't want to pursue it?
2. You were not attracted to your date, but pretended like you were, which is dishonest.
3. You were not attracted to your date and believed you acted consistent with that, but your date completely misread the signals and thought you were interested.

I think you're missing a couple VERY valid and likely options.

4. You really were attracted until the date, then (after ACTUALLY meeting the person), decided not to go further.
5. There was an attraction online but no physical attraction in person.

If you mean how people are acting while actually on the date... i think it's rediculous to say that it's dishonest to feign interest in somebody while you're together.

How would you feel if you and gentleman A start chatting, seem to have some similar interests, hobbies, etc. and decide to go out. Upon meeting you both order some drinks and food... after waiting 15 minutes for dinner he stuffs half his meal down his throat, tells the server to get the check ready and he'll meet her at the cash register, shakes your hand and says 'oh well, at least the food was decent. later!'

Statistaclly speaking, while it may take several dates, months, years, etc. to fully know somebody and know you've found 'the one' it can take just a few minutes to know that you have found 'someone else'. Do you want me to tell you, while we're waiting for our food 'just so you know, this isn't going to go any further than Date 1, but enough about that - here comes my lasagna.'


Not wanting to make a second date IS the other persons way of saying, they didn't have a good time and/or are not interested in going any further.

To your first point of 'did he commit to Woman B 100% right after meeting her' maybe YOU (or the person posing the question, please don't think i'm making this personal) were not Woman A... maybe you were woman B and he went with Woman A who he was on date 4 with... Maybe you're Woman E and he went with Woman B.

To anyone who asks why (s)he didn't want a second date, my answer is this... they weren't interested in taking it any further. Don't over think it, and don't waste your time trying to figure it out.
 cuteybatuty
Joined: 10/2/2009
Msg: 6
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?
Posted: 12/3/2009 3:26:44 PM
WOW... Decisive, I love the way you put all aspects of the situation at hand into perspective :-) Job well done, I agree completely!
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 7
view profile
History
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?
Posted: 12/3/2009 3:48:55 PM

1. You really were attracted to your date yet for some reason don't want to pursue it?
2. You were not attracted to your date, but pretended like you were, which is dishonest.
3. You were not attracted to your date and believed you acted consistent with that, but your date completely misread the signals and thought you were interested.
How would you answer those questions?
 jr123567
Joined: 2/15/2009
Msg: 8
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?
Posted: 12/3/2009 4:28:42 PM
How would you answer those questions

Landra - don't know if you're asking me, or asking the guys here - my answers are:
a. If we're both attracted to each other but I have a reason not to date them again, I would tell them the reason I don't want to pursue dating them.
b. I don't pretend to be really attracted to someone when I am not - polite and interested in them as a person, yes, but not acting like I am falling hard for them if that is not the case.
c. If my date misreads the signals, pursues me but I am sure I am not interested in any further dates, then I usually write a nice note thanking them for their time and telling them it is not a match for me but I wish them the best.

And by the way, Decisive, thank you for your lengthy post but I respectfully disagree. You are basically saying the only valid option to communicate lack of interest is to NOT communicate it. Just pretend everything is wonderful then disappear. That's exactly what so many other threads have complained about- the great date who goes poof. I don't find it constructive advice to say, just move on and don't wonder why it happened. We're human beings interacting with other human beings, of course we're going to wonder why things happen and see if we can improve our future experiences. As I have mentioned above, there is another option which is to show the other person some courtesy and respect and provide some closure. Maybe I am asking the wrong question here? Maybe the issue is that different people have different ideas of appropriate date etiquette.
 Justwaiting85
Joined: 12/13/2008
Msg: 9
view profile
History
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?
Posted: 12/3/2009 4:56:32 PM

You are basically saying the only valid option to communicate lack of interest is to NOT communicate it.


Here is one thing many women seem to misunderstand. All of you are ABSOLUTELY psychotic. I'll be the first to admit its not the only way. But it sure as hell is the safest.
 Fartz
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 10
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?
Posted: 12/3/2009 5:02:27 PM
Showing disclosure may be the better road to take but not the easiest one and many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many people just simply choose the easier road.

Be polite and show the other person a good time and then disappear. That way, a person can escape a lot of drama. Some people don't take rejection really well.

Then there is also the possibility that one wanted time to think about it so he/she didn't lay all the cards on the table so to not cut ones one throat type of things. But even then, a message or a phone call would be most courteous.


But people would still complain, no matter how courteous you are about it.
 indefatigabilis
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 11
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?
Posted: 12/3/2009 5:09:34 PM
There is no point in dating more than one woman at a time. Maybe he decided that since you were dating more than one man at a time, he would go date a woman who was dating only him at a time.

If you date two or more women, and things go as they almost always will, all of them will make the leap from casual dating to, as they say, something more. Now the guy has four or twelve women at that doorway jammed together each trying to elbow their way in first, and the neighbors complain and it ends badly, the man ending up with nobody, and stuck with the awkward chore of trying to make sure each gets the right underwear back. No, it's a hassle. He should date one woman at a time, make that work if he can, and only in case of it turning out a dead end should he go on to the next one.

It happens sometimes that right as a date ends you think it was pretty good, but then later something comes to mind that she said, or the way she ate her toast, and you realize, nope, this is not a match. That comes after you already said you had a good time and wanted to go out again. Second thoughts, is what they are called.

To someone who easily dates multiple prospects at a time, the single mindedness would seem odd, but to someone who is single minded, the multiplicity is odd.

In rare cases when one of the people has more than one active personality, you could have multiple dating happening with just the two people, and actually have gone out with the same man a second time, as another of yourselves, but still be wondering why he hasn't called, and who is this man in my bed?
 NerdStatus
Joined: 1/9/2007
Msg: 12
view profile
History
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?
Posted: 12/3/2009 5:12:07 PM

1. You really were attracted to your date yet for some reason don't want to pursue it?
a. If we're both attracted to each other but I have a reason not to date them again, I would tell them the reason I don't want to pursue dating them.

1. “For some other reason” - yes. I'm one of those strange guys that wants someone for their looks, mind & spirit. If it's not the tri-fecta, there's no second date.
a. Good for you. Most the time I tell the girl I'm not interested in a second date. At least ½ the time, that results in yelling, crying or both. And, it doesn't matter how gentle the let down is. Even if it's something like: sorry, the chemistry isn't there.

2. You were not attracted to your date, but pretended like you were, which is dishonest.
b. I don't pretend to be really attracted to someone when I am not - polite and interested in them as a person, yes, but not acting like I am falling hard for them if that is not the case.

2. No, I don't do this.
b. Good for you.

3. You were not attracted to your date and believed you acted consistent with that, but your date completely misread the signals and thought you were interested.
c. If my date misreads the signals, pursues me but I am sure I am not interested in any further dates, then I usually write a nice note thanking them for their time and telling them it is not a match for me but I wish them the best.

3. I don't give “signals”. They're too much like “hints” - which is too much like crap communication. If I'm not interested, I say so. If I am – I say so.
c. I wish more girls would do this. Even if they DID have a good time. It's amazing to me how many women expect to get taken out, but don't have the courtesy to put a little effort into writing a “thank you” note.
 jr123567
Joined: 2/15/2009
Msg: 13
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?
Posted: 12/3/2009 5:12:08 PM
Maybe I've just been lucky but everyone I've dated has been really nice even if it didn't work out. No one has overreacted and we all handled things like adults. I realize this hasn't been the case for everyone and it's unfortunate if you feel your only safe option is to ignore the other person.
 *Bulldog*
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 14
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?
Posted: 12/3/2009 5:23:13 PM
Most guys are willing to "see" more than one girl at once, particularly if they've been met through blind dates (i.e. online dating).

So if he doesn't want to "see" you a second time, then he's probably not interested. I wouldn't chalk it up to other girls.
 Countryboy_toronto
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 15
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?
Posted: 12/3/2009 5:35:41 PM
Honestly,

When you're going on a first date the only options aren't 'disinterested, dishonest, or interested'. When I go on a first date it's usually to get to know the person better, just because I'm having a good time, chatting with them, and enjoying the conversation does not mean that I'm attracted to them. We don't have to sit their in awkward silence at a $200 restaurant to whether or not we like each other. I'm pretty much the same on all of my dates whether I liked them as a gf or not.

It's ironic really, women complain that men can't tell if a women is into them or not. However, I have a pretty good radar for that kind of thing. It seems that you aren't picking up on the subtle cues men are giving you.

That being said, I do have the stones to simply tell someone after we've been on a date that I'm happy to be friends but we'll never be bf / gf.

Like the movie / book says.... "he's just not that into you"
 caffeinejag
Joined: 1/7/2006
Msg: 16
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?
Posted: 12/3/2009 6:09:58 PM
Quite frankly you should be happy if someone does not waste your time with a second date when there is no chance of future developments weather it be long term or other.

Sometimes you just have an inate sense that though you enjoy the persons company that you were not a good match.

Personally I would rather not string someone a long if there is no chance for personal relations.

hope that is somewhat helpful
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 17
view profile
History
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?
Posted: 12/3/2009 6:23:53 PM
I like things simple. Ehh...well I can only speak for me and to my experiences...not really a pattern, per se. I've talked/emailed...at times for awhile then meet, at times it's an initial contact, reply, and talking over coffee and a slice of pie. (I like pie...haha) Yeah same day, go figure. And many variations in between.

I'd like to say it's all been good...mostly yes. I have my "horror stories" but I don't think they're something to rehash. Maybe swap a few for a giggle, but I keep private things private, and I'd never embarrass or name anyone. For all I know they may have run home and hugged their pillow..."thank GOD I got away from that crazy woman".

It's just how it is, I'm not the woman for everyone...far from it. And I don't cry or whine if I email someone first and they...egad don't reply or unread/delete. The nerve (haha)...I just don't take it that serious or personal.

The decision to take it to a second date...if it's not mutual, it's not worth frying a brain cell over. Really.

How do I decide...well I don't wait by the phone or check my inbox 15 times a day to see if "he" emailed me.

Bottom line is if there's interest, and just interest enough to arrange to enjoy each other's company again...nothing implied MORE than that.

I was raised and it's just ingrained, manners are important, so even the "dating disaster stories" I do write, thank them for the evening and their time and am honest (gakk...) even when it's not met with the most polite response.

And yeah there've been few..(insert the scene from the Exorcist) but more often than not, they appreciate and thank me for emailing and being honest. The others....block/delete is there for a reason.


 jr123567
Joined: 2/15/2009
Msg: 18
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?
Posted: 12/3/2009 6:34:14 PM

When you're going on a first date the only options aren't 'disinterested, dishonest, or interested'. When I go on a first date it's usually to get to know the person better, just because I'm having a good time, chatting with them, and enjoying the conversation does not mean that I'm attracted to them. We don't have to sit their in awkward silence at a $200 restaurant to whether or not we like each other. I'm pretty much the same on all of my dates whether I liked them as a gf or not.

I agree, Countryboy. It's never a waste of time to meet a nice person and have a pleasant conversation, even if it turns out not to be a romance. And as you say, you're still showing them the courtesy of communicating your non-interest afterward. Not everyone has your good attitude, though.

I just don't get those who say "OMG I don't dare tell the person I'm not into them, because they will surely freak out/cry/get angry/throw a fit even if I am polite about it". Come on...that's not a good excuse to be rude. Although I have to say to NerdStatus - wow, some women actually freak out like that after just ONE date? Unbelievable. I feel for you, buddy. Makes me want to apologize on behalf of womanhood.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 19
view profile
History
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?
Posted: 12/3/2009 7:04:02 PM
There's something about the "waste of time" that gets my ...well if I HAD hair on the back of my neck...
We all have resources, time if the only one that we can't replace. Lose something else, it can be replaced...time can't. So time is spent...wasted...it's invested...always, invested well or not. To say it's wasted...there's nothing...whaa...nothing learned or experienced...that gets my neck hairs up..if I had them.
There's always something to take from any experience/interaction. Learn something about yourself (yeah..that's the BIGGIE...haha) I don't waste time, I refuse to. I take something of value from every experience.
To say you wasted time meeting or talking to someone, it's an insult to you. It's the internet, or even "real life"...it's a blow off...she's a drama queen, she thinks she's..blah blah...or he's a player, he's not worth it or...haha...gotta love it (insert sarcasm) it's THEIR loss. I see it, read it, can't make any rational or common sense, it's a salve...meaningless.
Yes, bad woman/man...pfft, it's their loss, now swig 15 margaritas and forget that loser.
Ehh...common sense isn't. It's a bandaid that doesn't stick...it's his/her loss..
 jr123567
Joined: 2/15/2009
Msg: 20
How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?
Posted: 12/3/2009 7:43:10 PM

“For some other reason” - yes. I'm one of those strange guys that wants someone for their looks, mind & spirit. If it's not the tri-fecta, there's no second date.


Thanks NerdStatus, you were the only one who gave a direct answer to my original question - which is to explain what criteria men use for deciding whether to pursue a second date.

Saying you'll ask for a second date because you ""enjoyed yourself", well, different things constitute enjoyment to different people and I was trying to gain some insight into how people define that. Sorry for wasting some of the 21-message limit with my own responses here.
Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > How Do You Decide Whether To Go Beyond One Date?