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 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 1
christmas and grandma...Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
My buddy who is divorced has two daughters. They split holidays every other year. This year is his year for christmas. He picks them up on christmas morning and gets them the whole day, it just so happens christmas falls on a friday this year, hence he gets them the whole weekend....

He got a phone call from the ex that grandma (moms side)is flying late on the 23, she is visiting other relatives first, then coming to stay at her daughters house on christmas eve late in the afternoon. She is flying out on saturday in the afternoon, very short trip.

The ex asked my buddy if she could have the kids on christmas instead of christmas eve, since grandma will be there....My buddy told her no, and that he already had plans, and that maybe after he got done visiting with family he would drop off the girls on saturday morning...She complains that grandma is leaving on saturday and that wouldnt be enough time to spend with her...he says its his time with his daughters and will not budge...

Just curious on everyones opinion on this. Im on his side, well cause he is my buddy, and I think his ex is a you know what...niether here nor there...He feels bad, but he also says he shouldnt give up his time, so grandma can have her time...

the ages if it matters are 4 and 6
 KarmicEvolution
Joined: 11/22/2008
Msg: 2
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christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/9/2009 9:43:42 AM
If they dont get to see their Grandma because she lives far enough away that she has to fly in then I think your buddy is being an ass.

He could be more flexible. Pick them up later in the day. Take them Christmas eve until the afternoon of Christmas then pick them up Saturday morning. Christmas is about being with family and friends and being good to people. Let the kids see their Grandma for crying outloud, even if this is about his ex being a ****, his beef is with her not her mother.
 thatusernameistaken
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 3
christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/9/2009 9:44:01 AM
Her family knew this was his weekend and holiday with the kids. Grandma shouldn't book holidays to see the grandkids on his days, Christmas or not.

Your buddy is justified in saying no, I would have done the same thing.
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 4
christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/9/2009 9:49:38 AM

Christmas is about being with family and friends and being good to people


so all his side of the family that had plans on seeing the girls doesnt matter anymore?....they just have to lose out?....

Its his day with his daughters...why should his family have to lose out?
 Cape Sunshine
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 5
christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/9/2009 9:54:32 AM
{{{{Its his day with his daughters...why should his family have to lose out?}}}

No, he shouldn't lose out. It is his time and she will have to deal with it. It is the way it is. He had every right to tell her NO.

His ex should have had Gramma come earlier.
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 6
christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/9/2009 10:01:53 AM
Let me add, he takes the girls on christmas morning to there cousins house to open all the gifts. they spend the day there, then head over to grandmas (dads side) house for dinner. Usually everyone just spends the night over there.

He is willing to pick up the girls about 11 on christmas, and bring them back christmas night, but it wont be till late, probably around 10 or 11. Mind you he is willing to drive an hour to her house.

yes, the girls want to see grandma, thats not even a question, but they also want to see grandma on dads side also.

he is willing to give them up on saturday even though it is his weekend, but he is not budging on christmas day...
 KarmicEvolution
Joined: 11/22/2008
Msg: 7
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christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/9/2009 10:08:47 AM
so all his side of the family that had plans on seeing the girls doesnt matter anymore?....they just have to lose out?....

Its his day with his daughters...why should his family have to lose out?


His family shouldnt lose out, which is why I mentioned some compromises. A couple of extra hours Christmas morning isnt going to make a huge difference. Having 2 little girls upset because they dont get to see Grandma is going to make a huge difference. I would think his family would understand since they are probably grandparents too.

 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 8
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christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/9/2009 10:21:18 AM
The Grandma will see them Christmas Eve and the kids leave Christmas morning. I think his Ex is being unreasonable. The Grandma knew the schedule ahead of time and should change her plans not everyone elses. She can see other relatives when her grandchildren are not around.
 Cape Sunshine
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 9
christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/9/2009 10:23:40 AM
I have my daughter Christmas eve and at 11 am she goes to her dads the next morning. I have the same situation. It is what it is... It is the same every year.

The girls will only get upset if the parents make an issue about it around them.

Maybe, Gramma can come to her house first since the girls will be at her dads. That would be a compromise.
 glamazon girl
Joined: 10/6/2009
Msg: 10
christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/9/2009 11:03:10 AM
It's his turn to have them, the ex was aware & could've made grandma aware as well. There is being flexible & compromising for the kids, then there is being taken advantage of and having to listen to a guilt trip. He offered a reasonable comprise, it's up to the ex to take it or leave it.
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 11
christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/9/2009 11:05:41 AM

ex's side thinking this could become the normal practice.


This is one his worries.

He keeps telling me that if it would be just a normal weekend, he would be willing to give up his kids, but its christmas, he only sees them every other year on christmas, along with his family...

He is trying to compromise with her...He said instead of the normal 8 am pick up on christmas, he will pick them up about 11...she is still not happy with it, as all her family will be at her house...

He is even willing to drive back from his mothers house (she lives an hour away) at about 10 pm and drop them off there so she can have saturday with them...

I guess his whole point is that she knew all the plans for christmas, why not tell grandma to extend her trip to avoid all the commotion?...

to which his ex says...she cant stay in colorado very long as the thin air makes it harder for her to breathe..which is true, but still, its his christmas...
 glamazon girl
Joined: 10/6/2009
Msg: 12
christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/9/2009 11:11:18 AM
When it was one of her years for christmas with the kids, did she ever give up any of her time with them so they could spend more with the other grandparents? Or do those grandparents only see the kids every other christmas too?

Again, he offered a reasonable compromise. He could've been a jerk about it and said no but he offered to give up a few hours. She should be appreciative that he is willing to do that. Maybe she needs to arrange a new year's trip with the kids to grandma's where the air isn't so thin.
 singlesuperdad
Joined: 8/26/2009
Msg: 13
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christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/9/2009 11:21:26 AM
This is why there is a schedule set up. He didn't have his girls last year, and what, he is supposed to give up this year too because the ex didn't schedule her families visit properly? I say he spends christmas with his girls, cause he has waited two years to have christmas with them. It's only fair. I feel sorry for the grandma but she had two years to plan and knew he would have the girl this year.
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 14
christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/9/2009 1:09:49 PM
Sounds like the Dad is being reasonable, and the ex is laying a guilt trip. The kids will get to see Grandma (all they're REALLY interested is getting her presents anyway). He's perfectly justified in sticking to the schedule - and bringing them back Christmas evening is more than generous on his part.
 Cape Sunshine
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 15
christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:33:19 PM
{{{Why doesnt your buddy and family, and his ex and her family ALL spend the day with the kids in the same place??? It is your weekend with them so why doesnt everyone just come to your house and do christmas together with the kids that way there is no "IT'S MY TIME AND I DONT WANT TO SHARE" bull shit.}}

^^ that's nice but not realistic...




I would not hang with my ex family and I bet they don't want to do that either.
Children adjust. .... It's when you make a big deal and talk about around them when it becomes an issue. The children should be in a safe and comfortable place. When you mix families that don't want to do that then there is tension. The children will sense that.

She should have other arrangements. She knew about this. Mom has the kids Christmas Eve he doesn't. That's life.
 Notdesper8atall
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 16
christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/9/2009 5:03:27 PM
Op I think he is being more than flexible in his attempt to work this thing out. Even with set schedules some things happen that you have to willing to bend on a bit. Most judges will tell you ( if your not fighting tooth and nail over every detail) that the schedule of visitation is a guideline you are to work within. As long as both parties agree you can shuffle it around as different situations arise. Unfortunately for the kids some parents ( and grandparents) can be a pain in the azz when they are willing to be. Ultimately no matter what he decides to do he wont win in someones assesment. Whether or not his ex and the grandma planned this situation is irrelevent. It is in the works and has to be dealt with. I see his attempt at doing so more than fair.

If it were me in his shoes ( and oh yeah I have been there and worn them out) and I offered the kids mom the deal he has and she insisted on more I would say this is it take it or leave it. If she takes it fine, if she leaves it it then that was her choice to make and she made it.

Best of luck to him and his kids.


 singlesuperdad
Joined: 8/26/2009
Msg: 17
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christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/9/2009 5:38:42 PM
Nevaehs_mom, I bet she wouldn't allow him at her house last year for christmas. And why would you want to bring together a bunch of people that don't get along in front of the kids? Yea, lets just ruin christmas for everyone including the kids. Bad Idea.
 ~JustSimplyMe~
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 18
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christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/9/2009 6:17:21 PM

{{{Why doesnt your buddy and family, and his ex and her family ALL spend the day with the kids in the same place??? It is your weekend with them so why doesnt everyone just come to your house and do christmas together with the kids that way there is no "IT'S MY TIME AND I DONT WANT TO SHARE" bull shit.}}


^^ that's nice but not realistic...


Actually, it is fairly realistic. In order to make Christmas a great experience for the children, we suck up our differences for a few days every year and always spend the holiday together. Their father knows that even his new wife and his family (who hate me) are all welcome at our house for the holiday season.

My mom and dad absolutely despised each other...but at Christmas time every year they behaved as friends, and both were welcome in each others homes.
It can be a very realistic and happy experience. Imagine the kids happiness to be able to spend the time with they WHOLE families on Christmas Eve, or Day!
I've always been under the assumption that Christmas is about the kids anyways.
~singlesuperdad~ She may not have...but if everyone based their decisions on a " if so and so did it first its ok, if not screw them" mentality...life would really suck. Why can't he be a bigger man and offer that suggestion up?
/imo its a great opportunity to learn how to be a bigger, better person.
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 19
christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/9/2009 7:55:31 PM
why doesnt your buddy and family, and his ex and her family ALL spend the day with the kids in the same place??? It is your weekend with them so why doesnt everyone just come to your house and do christmas together with the kids that way there is no "IT'S MY TIME AND I DONT WANT TO SHARE" bull shit.


He has plans to take them in the morning to there cousins house to open gifts, then he goes to his mothers house who is about an hour away to be with grandma for the night. He shouldnt have to rearrange all the plans just to make grandma happy.

For the record, the ONLY reason the two talk is because of the kids. They really dont like eachother, but they are civil because of the kids. So they act like adults. But its not very realistic to have the family back together again...

Its not realistic..then the cousins on the father side miss out with there couisn opening gifts....I know its the spirit of christmas..bla bla bla..but they are NOT together anymore. He loves spending time with his daughters. He shouldnt have to rearange his schedule just because grandma decides to drop in for a few days.

He is being MORE than generous by picking them up at 11 am on christmas day, then he said he is willing to come back from his mothers house who is an hour away to drop them off on christmas night. It wont be till about 11 or midnight though...and the mom has a problem with that.

remember...there is another grandma to think about here...she lives an hour away she sees them about 4 or 5 times a month whenever my buddy can get up there for a weekend.
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 20
christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/10/2009 7:27:38 AM
I agree, it's not realistic. I'm happy that you and your ex boyfriend spend time with your kids together, that's lovely - however Christmas is about much more than just your kids - it's everybody else's kids too. Sure, if mom and grandma were willing to go to Dad's cousin's house - and his cousin was ok with accomodating them (and whoever else Mom was supposed to be entertaining), sure. But is it reasonable to expect both party's entire extended family alter all their plans, because one inconsiderate old crone decided what SHE wanted was more important? If it's all about the children, then GRANDMA is the one who should accomodate them.
 thatusernameistaken
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 21
christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/10/2009 8:14:58 AM
Maternal Grandmother makes plans over top of a long standing arrangement and then the father is a****for not accommodating her?

Bullshit.

This is on the maternal Grandmother. Shes smart enough to read a calendar, figure it out Grams and book your trip accordingly.
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 22
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christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/10/2009 11:15:10 AM
Look - the mother knew it wasn't her year with the kids - she should have told her mother to come in earlier or stay later. It's not like the grandma won't get to see them at all. I think he is being very accommodating in offering to give on the pickup and dropoff times with the kids.

And yes - it is about the kids - and the kids will get to see both sides of their families. So - where is there an issue there?
 WesternWildRose
Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 23
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christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/10/2009 2:11:04 PM
Tuff Darts I say.

The reason parents work out these visitation agreements is so there is no grey when it comes to schedules and no surprises.

Grandma and Mom knew the schedule, it's unfortunate but that's the agreement.

I can see this getting into future requests for 'flexibility' in the schedule to come.
I think arrangements were made and everyone knew of the plans a long time ago.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 24
christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/10/2009 2:32:18 PM
It sounds like the mother has primary cusduty of the childeren and this is been this way for some time. The mother could have told grandma how things are and that she will have to work thing out to see them as its thiers fathers time to have the childeren. most divorces are bitter and this kind of thing just makes it bad for all concerned and it makes me wounder why grandma would want to make waves.
 Notdesper8atall
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 25
christmas and grandma...
Posted: 12/10/2009 4:03:19 PM
Putting differences aside and spending the holiday together...interesting idea but I also agree its not realistic.

These kids are young and it is tough enough on them knowing that mom and dad dont live together anymore and they are just getting used to that fact.. now you want to confuse them by having eveyone all of a sudden get together for Christmas. These poor kids are just beginning to understand about divorce and you want to throw this curveball at them? I can see major therapy in their future. These kids dont need to have everyone from both families getting together in one place to know that they are loved.

This situation could have been totally avoided by ONE person but wasn't. Grandma was the one who made it unavoidable with the timing of her visit. Dad is now made out to be the bad guy because he wont drop everything to accomidate ONE person who couldn't or wouldnt accomidate several others.

Lets switch this around and see how some of you feel. Suppose it was moms year and it was the parternal grandmother doing this ? Would you still feel the same way, that dad is being an uncompromising ass?
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