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 wishingwell555
Joined: 10/29/2009
Msg: 1
apron stringsPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
If you are a senior person and have apron strings still attached,
should you even be considered for a real committed
relationship by anyone? I know people in their 50's,
with living parents and they still have apron strings attached.
 NoVaBuckeye
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 2
apron strings
Posted: 12/13/2009 4:58:39 PM
I can sort of understand someone who has ill or dying parents...it happens to all of us and it does save money to help them out ourselves... but it does make things far more complicated from the dating side of things.

It also makes things tough when someone's 20 something is still attached by apron strings and lives at home. I don't like the reverse situation much either.

 ZenBeth
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 3
apron strings
Posted: 12/13/2009 8:23:00 PM
Maybe its because of where we live, but families are close and as such no matter how young or old, you have someone who cares about you and as such, still some apron strings attached. Still dont see why this would mean someone shouldnt consider a committed realtionship. After all one works, comes home, may be involved with community or religious activities, and no one suggests one isn't able to be in a committed relationship with these activities.

~Beth~
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 4
apron strings
Posted: 12/13/2009 8:27:02 PM
I have met some men who have relocated to aid their parents...I think it shows what a wonderful person they are to be so devoted to the persons who raised them...makes them a better catch in my opinion.

I sorta think the op is talking about someone who still lives with their parents or who has to have their parents approval for things they are doing in life at this age...I havent met anyone like that but I cant imagine it being a good situation.

When I met my first husband he was 39 but he told me when he was younger how demanding his mother was...he had gotten a job promotion that would take him out west and she basically stopped him from going...it was a great job and i think if he had gone he would have felt differently about himself...once he turned the promotion down his company said they didnt feel they wanted to groom him for management anymore and then let him go...after that he never considered her wishes as being as important ...

so it could be that what you are reading into something as apron strings ...they are just going along with to make a parent happy...once they realize how controlled they are they hopefully will move forward....
 Divorced, Broke, Bald
Joined: 7/9/2009
Msg: 5
apron strings
Posted: 12/13/2009 9:45:37 PM
Amen to that, Ismene. I once quipped to my kids that they'd eventually be paying me back for every diaper of theirs that I changed. They assured me that wherever I wound up, they would make certain it was up to most of the major provincial standards. Whichever province that winds up being.

 sassy_scorpio
Joined: 2/27/2009
Msg: 6
apron strings
Posted: 12/13/2009 10:13:24 PM
One of the main reasons my last two relationships broke up were due to their mothers
being so controlling. They wanted their sons to spend the weekends with them, and would invent these jobs that needed to be done around the house. They did a great job of making them feel guilty if they did not work on their houses. They claimed they could not afford to hire anyone to do these things.

I think it's great that a grown man would treat their mother well, but I am now leery of men who have mothers who are widowed and are control freaks and have nobody in their lives other than their grown sons.
 ZenBeth
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 7
apron strings
Posted: 12/13/2009 11:59:43 PM
Wonder how many men are leery of developing a serious relationship with a woman who is caring for their mother. Since its the daughter who usually becomes the caretaker of her Mother or Mother in law.

Growing up I had the best parents and they both made sure their Mothers were cared for. My Mom worked full time as a teacher, and would come home make dinner at six, and by seven she would leave to drive two miles to visit her Mom. She did this to the day my Grandmother died. My Dad did the same for his Mom.

Would welcome a man into my life whose Mother was still alive and loved and needed him. And try and find someone to fix things when you are on Social Security which is a fixed income! Our parents are a treasure.

~Beth~
 kornbluth
Joined: 12/25/2006
Msg: 8
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History
apron strings
Posted: 12/14/2009 3:14:28 AM

If you are a senior person and have apron strings still attached,
should you even be considered for a real committed relationship by anyone?

Apparently not by you. Beyond that is none of your business.


I know people in their 50's, with living parents and they still have apron strings attached.

Good thing that's their problem and not yours.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 9
apron strings
Posted: 12/14/2009 8:34:35 AM
I know people also in the 50's who have apron stings attached. Having said that I retired young and came home to take care of my mother who was dying of cancer.

I maintained my own place though and went home to sleep. I would not have entertained the idea of any relationship at that time in my life. It was not until she passed away that I did.

thecatsmeoww
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 10
apron strings
Posted: 12/14/2009 8:48:51 AM

I think there are people in their 50's living with their parents who are helping to take care of, look after or support their parents lifestyle--i.e., as opposed to sending the old folks off to a nursing home. This is something admirable, not being tied to apron strings.

In other cultures, and in ours in the past, it was a normal thing to do.

In Turkey, if an adult child never marries, he or she continues to live with the parents, forever. It is part of the extended family concept. They do not generally get a place on their own, and they don't move in with roommates. But it can depend on the individual, for example, if they take a job in another area. Generally, a never married female will continue to live with her parents. I knew several in their 40's who were still doing that as they had never married. However, if a woman had been married and divorced, she might maintain the home she had when married, with her children generally, or she might move back into her parents' home so they could help her with childrearing and finances, though these were all working women. It is the concept of the family and extended family supporting each other. And it is nice. Something we have strayed away from, with so many of us living alone and shunting the old folks off to 'homes.'


AMEN!

My Mother just retired, and my brother asked her to move into his house. No apron strings/Mama's Boy, just something that as Latinos is typical vs. "shipping" our parents to a "home".
 peek~a~booo
Joined: 1/3/2007
Msg: 11
apron strings
Posted: 12/14/2009 10:15:12 AM
I could not agree more with not tossing into a bin and forgetting unless the mind is
totally assumed....i have offered to help my sick parent but she is insulted by the thought and instead chooses to chase off her kids(she is not completely sane but sane enuff to be in charge of herself)
the fact is you can't make there decisions either...

sometimes you must watch some really crappy things and recognize your not going to change it reguardless of how difficult it is to be part of that warped picture

that being said....i would certainly not dis someones choice to be the solid caretaker for a parent who allows it...respect to age is not always as it seems and each situation is unique to itself.
there is alot to be said on the abuse issue but barring that i do not have 1 issue with respecting they wiped your azz and now it is your turn to wipe theirs...kinda.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 12
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History
apron strings
Posted: 12/14/2009 10:31:59 AM
Contact with family, no matter the age or the distance is very important to many of us, and sets an example for our kids as well.

Even though I am considered very very independent, I still take the time to phone my family often, and visit when I can. I am not tied to anyone or anything, other than the sense of importance to care for family because family cared for me when I was young.

The whole point is to be there as a sounding board and to listen and talk to our older family members, gain their knowledge and experience, and hopefully put them at ease about aging gracefully. Is this not what we want for ourselves? How can we expect it from our children and family, if we do not show them the way to treat each other, especially the aging members that do not want to lose their independence and individuality.

If those are "apron strings"............I am proud to wear them.

cd.............
 rosebuds57
Joined: 1/21/2007
Msg: 13
apron strings
Posted: 12/14/2009 10:45:50 AM
You know there are situations where a family must place their aging and ill parents in a nursing home because the children are unable to take care of the parent themselves.

My mom and dad are in their mid to late eighties. Mom has advanced dementia due to a vascular stroke. Dad has progressive neck and back problems and cannot do many things without assistance. I am a single person who must work for a living (although right now I am currently unemployed due to the economy...but actively looking for work), and my brother is the same. If either one of us were to take in our parents we would be taking care of them 24/7 and that would be impossible since we must work to take care of ourselves. We have two other siblings who live several states away and are unable to help care for our parents. Both mom and dad need much more care than we can give them now. Mom must be fed, bathed, taken to the bathroom, dressed, and groomed. Most of the time Mom has no idea who anyone is or where she is. Dad is mentally stable but has chronic physical problems that need constant attention. Dad walks with a walker, but cannot cook, clean or drive.

It was a very difficult and heartwrenching decision to place my parents in a full care nursing home. My brother and I suffer from the guilt daily. We each visit them twice a week (despite that I live in another city about an hour away), I have provided my dad a cell phone so that he can call me anytime, night or day.

Sometimes that is the best that you can do for your parents.
 rosebuds57
Joined: 1/21/2007
Msg: 14
apron strings
Posted: 12/14/2009 10:55:12 AM
^^^I know you didn't mean that ismene....I'm just presenting the other side of the coin.
 pnut mnms
Joined: 11/8/2009
Msg: 15
apron strings
Posted: 12/14/2009 11:08:26 AM
I think its great that someone takes care of their parents when the parents can no longer take care of themselves. It shows responsibility and compassion.

I'm more concerned if the umbilical cord is still attached. Some guys have to be in touch with their parents daily or several times a day, yet the parents are more active and healthy than they are. One guy I dated would constantly interrupt our conversations daily to take phone calls from his parents or would tell me he had to call them for advice and it was on the littlest crap. too. The last straw happened when I was in his room about to disrobe and he took his dad's call. His parents were the epitome of health, and he had already spoken to them twice earlier that day.

I asked him if he wanted to call his dad back to get his advice on what position we should have sex.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 16
apron strings
Posted: 12/14/2009 12:07:21 PM

The last straw happened when I was in his room about to disrobe and he took his dad's call. I asked him if he wanted to call his dad back to get his advice on what position we should have sex.


I should have thought of that when it happened to me.. But heck we just continued while he chatted away on the phone for a bit before the phone went completely dead..

thecatsmeoww
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 17
apron strings
Posted: 12/14/2009 3:32:46 PM
Ma hunny's kids have talked it over and invited him to live with them "should the time come" he can't live alone. Mine, too. Gonna be a couple of relieved daughters in law in our future, lol!

 Free-At-Last
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 18
apron strings
Posted: 12/14/2009 10:51:45 PM
If you are a senior person and have apron strings still attached,
should you even be considered for a real committed
relationship by anyone?

First off...I ain't no Senior

So what exactly are you saying here? A person shouldn't be considered for a real committed relationship by ANYONE if they still have living and breathing children, parents, or other family members that love them, and who depend on them to be there for them in times of need?

I know people in their 50's,
with living parents and they still have apron strings attached.

Hmmmm....guess I must be one of them. My father (who was one of my best friends in life) passed away in April. I am still blessed to have my mother (who is my # 1 best friend ) in my life. I also have two daughters living at home and both attending college.
Geesh...guess I'm attached. However...I still got lots of room left in my heart to throw a man into the mix...and I'm pretty sure I could still make the time to be in a committed relationship... if the right fella came along.
 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 7/27/2009
Msg: 19
apron strings
Posted: 12/14/2009 11:19:12 PM
This is probably slightly OT, but I've never understood people who get jealous of family members.
My step-monster won't speak to me, my daughter, my aunt and, while she lived, my grandmother. She has always refused to have anything to do with us. Dad just compartmentalises everything to deal with it. He meets up with us all regularly - but never at his home. My daughter's probably been there twice in her life and it was only when the wicked witch wasn't home.
I don't get it. It's only the women she refuses to speak with - she's fine with my uncle.
Surely people realise that you love your partner in a different way to your family. It's a different kind of love. There is no need to feel threatened by parents and to expect a SO to drop their family or see them less because he/she has met you is really asking a great deal.
 wishingwell555
Joined: 10/29/2009
Msg: 20
apron strings
Posted: 12/15/2009 12:02:09 AM
I sorta think the op is talking about someone who still lives with their parents or who has to have their parents approval for things they are doing in life at this age...I havent met anyone like that but I cant imagine it being a good situation.


BINGO
This is what this post is about. In no way did I mean taking care of
sick parents are those that needed help.
 wishingwell555
Joined: 10/29/2009
Msg: 21
apron strings
Posted: 12/15/2009 12:09:26 AM

One of the main reasons my last two relationships broke up were due to their mothers being so controlling. They wanted their sons to spend the weekends with them, and would invent these jobs that needed to be done around the house. They did a great job of making them feel guilty if they did not work on their houses. They claimed they could not afford to hire anyone to do these things.



I think it's great that a grown man would treat their mother well, but I am now leery of men who have mothers who are widowed and are control freaks and have nobody in their lives other than their grown sons.


Great example of what this post is refering too. Thanks for sharing!!!!
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 22
apron strings
Posted: 12/15/2009 1:35:16 AM
He lies to daddy when you go away for a weekend together.. The reason for that is if he knew he would be upset that you were not visiting him instead.

He is afraid to tell daddy he just got engaged.. He is not going to be happy because he knows it is not going to workout and you will be back at his place again with car load of your belongings in the middle of the night.

Daddy refuses to attend your wedding..

And I don't drink.. but know this character only too darn well

thecatsmeoww
 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 7/27/2009
Msg: 23
apron strings
Posted: 12/15/2009 1:46:37 AM
Wow that's some guilt trip those mamas (and daddies) lay on their kids.
How bizarre. I've never met any men like that. It must have made you dislike them so much - that you never ever came first.
Takes all types, doesn't it?
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 24
apron strings
Posted: 12/15/2009 1:58:05 AM

It must have made you dislike them so much - that you never ever came first.


I knew what it was to have controlling father.. I also knew how to stand my ground and pursue those things that I wanted to pursue.. So his threats just made me be more successful because I knew I had nothing to fall back on should I need help. In the end he respected me for it..

I can't say I disliked his father because after all I loved mine.. I disliked how he allowed him to control his life and therefore our life..

thecatsmeoww
 Dancing_4_You
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 25
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History
apron strings
Posted: 12/15/2009 2:16:50 AM
my parents died long ago. my apron strings are to my kids: 22, 21 and 19, an old dog (the other one just died), two sick cats and one nutty cat and up to about 100 mallard on my creek. the man i date was overwhelmed at first. but, he admits it is "interesting".

as for me, i fear i will die alone and w/o assistance. i've always been the one to "caregive". i'd rather drown in my creek than end up in a nursing home. i might consider a senior development, but so far like the mix of ages in my friends.

i haven't met any parents who interfered with my love life. i think they were afraid of me!
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