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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Can't handle a relationship...advice needed      Home login  
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 Littleone12484
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 1
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Can't handle a relationship...advice neededPage 1 of 1    
So I dated this guy for close to three months, things were going great, except that he's a store manager so right now he's crazy busy with the holidays, and he's in school as well, and it's finals time, so we haven't been able to see much of each other, which I was good about, and understanding. One night I knew he was studying so I texted him a few times, and he texted back, but I didn't want to distract him because so I told him "well I don't want to bug you, I know you have a ton of studying to do, so I just wanted to say hi" he flipped out and got mad about it, so I apologized and tried to call him, to see why he was so angry, he didn't answer but texted back and said he would text me, but he didn't want to talk. Then out of nowhere tells me that "we can be good friends, but he doesn't think he can handle a relationship right now" I basically told him that I felt like I got blindsided, and felt like an idiot for trying to be considerate of his situation with finals, I've heard all the horror stories about people not being able to be friends after a relationship, so I asked him "you say we can be good friends, but in reality how often does that happen?" he just responded with "why wouldn't it?," so I told him fine, and that I would need my time to get over this, and not to be suprised if I took a few days to myself and had no contact with him, and he said "it's not you I just can't handle a relationship for where I'm at in my life, I have way too many other things I need to invest my time in"

I guess I'm confused because I've read around on the forums, and in most situations like this everyone says that people use that as an excuse and just aren't that into you, or they have someone new, hardly any positive. Him not wanting to talk about it has left me in a crappy position because I don't know if he's going to be ready for a relationship anytime soon, if he's okay with me seeing other guys, because I don't plan to just sit around and wait forever. Second after that conversation the whole attitude of our texts completely changed, it was fun, and flirty and we could joke around before, then it became just me initiating the texts and when he replied they would just be one word answers, and I got the impression he didn't want to text or really have anything to do with me anymore and he still wouldn't call and hasn't called me to this day. He says nothing will change and we will still hang out, but we haven't hung out at all. Basically I got tired of feeling like he had no interest in me, so I stopped initiating texting him thinking that's what he wanted. Well then he texts me saying hi and asking what I was up to, and two times now I've told him I'm not doing anything and I'm bored, and he's at home playing video games, but he doesn't ask if I want to hang out. I blatently asked when we were going to see each other again and he said "IDK soon hopefully" and nothing else was said about it.

So my question is, do you guys think he's still interested, since he's still texting me, despite the fact that stopped, and now that he's doing the initiating he's coming around with the playful texts, last night he told me that I should stay awake awhile so he could text me in between studying, and it seemed more fun, but still I don't what to do, Ideally, I'd love to be in a relationship with him, he's been a great guy, I don't want to hurt his feelings if I go out and see other guys, but at the same time I don't want to wait around for months on end for him to decide he's ready for a relationship, he's busy and I understand, and I respect that, but it's such a confusing situation now. And he won't even bring the whole issue up.....

Any advice????
 Littleone12484
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 2
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Can't handle a relationship...advice needed
Posted: 12/14/2009 5:34:04 PM
Sorry for the contradiction, I wasn't trying to mess with his head, I'm just confused as to what to do, I know he is busy and I understand that, and respect his wishes if he can't handle a relationship, I'm just confused as far as what I should do, when our texts went from fun, to just straight to the point, it made me feel as he was giving me the brush off, so I stopped initating contact with him, I don't exactly see it as messing with his head, I wasn't expecting any messages from him at all, I figured it only made it easier for him if he wanted to just end contact, that way he wasn't put in a position of having a girl still texting him, even though he was done. I just wonder if girls who have been in this situation have had a guy come back and want to be in a relationship or if they just ended up moving on, and guys who've been in a position of genuinely not being able to handle a relationship have come back, because in my case I feel like there are a lot of grey areas.
 0wiseone
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 3
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Can't handle a relationship...advice needed
Posted: 12/14/2009 6:07:16 PM

he flipped out and got mad about it,
This was the stress talking.
so I apologized and tried to call him, to see why he was so angry, he didn't answer but texted back and said he would text me, but he didn't want to talk.
This is why it sounds like you're messing with his head. You should have just left him alone and respected his time to study.
Then out of nowhere tells me that "we can be good friends, but he doesn't think he can handle a relationship right now"
You forced a confrontation with him. You should have remembered this from being a kid; When you force someone to give you an answer before they're ready, expect an an answer you're not going to like.
I basically told him that I felt like I got blindsided
So now it's all about you. What happened to being
which I was good about, and understanding.

Second after that conversation the whole attitude of our texts completely changed,
He's feeling guilty for flipping out and overreacting.
so I stopped initiating texting him thinking that's what he wanted.
Good for you. You did the right thing.
Ideally, I'd love to be in a relationship with him,
Timing is everything. When the time is right for him, he'll let you know. If the time is not right for you when it's right for him, then it won't work out. Back off, relax, date other guys and just see what happens. Do not force a relationship before the time is right.
 Littleone12484
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 4
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Can't handle a relationship...advice needed
Posted: 12/14/2009 6:23:37 PM
I respect your opinion and I understand what you're saying, sometimes you have to take a step back and look into the whole situation, and yes I admit, in the end I did contradict myself a lot. At the end of the day, I had good intentions, and didn't realize my fault in the situation, but no matter where he stands whether he's not into me, or he feels bad....whatever, it is what it is, and it was good while it lasted, and maybe he'll come around when he's ready, maybe he won't, but at the end of the day I have to live life for me, and he has to live life for him. Thanks for all of the advice.
 parry10
Joined: 1/14/2006
Msg: 5
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Can't handle a relationship...advice needed
Posted: 12/14/2009 8:57:33 PM

he said "it's not you I just can't handle a relationship for where I'm at in my life, I have way too many other things I need to invest my time in"


What in this here are you unclear about.........he's not into you, told you honestly and has said to move on. Why are you not understanding this.

If this was a woman saying this to a guy and he didn't take the hint, society would be calling him a stalker. But since it's a man telling a woman he's honestly not ready for this, somehow he's not to be taken seriously?.....c'mon......he told you what the deal is so move on.
 Littleone12484
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 6
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Can't handle a relationship...advice needed
Posted: 12/14/2009 9:22:45 PM
I understand the double standard you're referring to Parry10, however I made it quite clear in my post, once he stated that and things changed I stopped contacting him, so I took the hint, and definately didn't do anything close to stalking, he came back to me, which is why I questioned it, thanks for your input though :)
 parry10
Joined: 1/14/2006
Msg: 7
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Can't handle a relationship...advice needed
Posted: 12/14/2009 9:30:36 PM
Sorry...I may have missed the part about him coming back to you.......my error.

Well, the best thing to do is to not get too excited over it and carry on in your own life....I just checked out your profile pics and you look like one hell of a fun lady, always smiling, good outlook and highly educated.........don't let one guy drag you down because there are a ton of guys that would love to be with you.......I can tell you draw people close to you naturally......that is a special quality so use it to your advantage (in a good way of course)

......sorry for being harsh originally.......I wasn't reading as carefully as I should have.

 Littleone12484
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 8
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Can't handle a relationship...advice needed
Posted: 12/14/2009 11:18:11 PM
no worries, lol I did write quite a novel, can't expect you to read every part, I can forgive you!
 Doesnt care
Joined: 11/9/2009
Msg: 9
Can't handle a relationship...advice needed
Posted: 12/14/2009 11:59:59 PM
Hello little, I'm familar with this territory. You see I travel for a living, sometimes I'm only in a paticular state for a month or two. Timing and where you are at in life is the key here. I see you stressing over this a little too much. A relationship is supposed to be fun and make you feel good. It seems that... Right now the timing isn't right. Also he's in a busy moment of his life. I don't have all the facts but I think you are being a little harsh on yourself. Try to think about something else for a little bit, hang out with some friends, go see a movie. Relax, if after awile he doesn't come along to your needs that's his loss. There are thousands of guys out there that would love to have a thoughtful and intelligent woman such as youself, don't sweat it babe!
 hazelrunya
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 10
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Can't handle a relationship...advice needed
Posted: 12/15/2009 3:17:55 PM
when a guy tells you he cant handle a relationship BELIEVE HIM! ive been there. men will tell you everything you need to hear if we would only listen. Although we want a relationship with the guy and think he's great and has potential, if he's not open to a real relationship, your wasting your time and emotions. Find someone who is ready and willing to have a healthy relationship- no fixer uppers, good luck & dont settle!!!!
 parry10
Joined: 1/14/2006
Msg: 11
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Can't handle a relationship...advice needed
Posted: 12/16/2009 7:02:23 PM
I do find it odd that most women freak out if a guy is "using them", "playing them", "lieing to them"............but the real knives come out if a guy is, dare I say it, honest and up front!

life is strange ....eh?.......(the "eh' is to satisfy those who think all of us Canadians say "eh" all the time....
 *lilacwine*
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 12
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Can't handle a relationship...advice needed
Posted: 12/16/2009 7:48:27 PM
All you can do is leave him alone and don't contact him. None of us can tell you if he really cares for you but is seriously overextended right now (sure sounds like it) or if it's just an excuse. I've been a store manager during the holidays and it must be one of the most stressful jobs there is. And I was not going to school at the same time! It seems to me that he does care for you but is freaking out right now with all his responsibilities, understandably. Just lie low for now and let him contact you when he's ready. Keep busy with your friends and family and when he does contact you try to be understanding. That's what I would do, anyway. Good luck.
 svetica
Joined: 8/30/2009
Msg: 13
Can't handle a relationship...advice needed
Posted: 12/18/2009 7:42:46 PM
He doesn't sound like a keeper, baby, move on. You're too adorable to be fed this BS. If the guy likes you, nothing can keep him away from you, if he doesn't like you, nothing can keep him with you. Happened to the best of us.
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