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 parry10
Joined: 1/14/2006
Msg: 3
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Transitional RelationshipsPage 1 of 1    
Thank you for keeping the guy out of the loop for 20 months......you're a trooper!

(you see, it's less competition for the rest of us guys)
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 9
Transitional Relationships
Posted: 5/20/2011 1:34:51 PM
I cautiously entered a relationship with a man that was in the process of a divorce. 20 months later, the relationship ended.


He is apparently all better now. Thanks to me. Anyone had similar experiences? Either the victim or offender?

Do these situations ever work out? This is so dissappointing.


Well, there are some folks who would say he 'earned to love' again because of you and that was a gift.

Meh

I say he should have gotten himself a dog to learn to love again and left the heart of a lady alone until he was ready to love another person. He was selfish and you were naive to proceed.

Learn from it and move on.

Most people getting out of a relationship, married or not, need time alone before they are any good to anyone new. Now you have proof of this.
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 10
Transitional Relationships
Posted: 5/20/2011 3:36:59 PM
Victim or offender?
Did you 'cautiously enter,' or did you PURSUE this man who was extricating himself from a relationship? I don't see any criminal acts here that would set up a victim/offender situation. You perceive yourself to be the victim and he is the offender?
Your expectations of where the 'thing' between you two was headed, was way beyond what a divorcing man is generally thinking about. Lawyers, alimony, court, finances, child support,etc. I'm sure he loved that you were there to support him and prop him up when the world and his EX were beating him up. How could he NOT be grateful?
It does not mean however that YOU are his next great love. It doesn't work that way.
If you DID pursue him, knowing full well that he had a lot of stuff to do before he really became 'emotionally available', and STILL you expected a different outcome, well maybe YOU are the OFFENDER.
 URXO2
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 15
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Transitional Relationships
Posted: 5/28/2011 6:33:11 AM
Becoming involved romantically with s/he who's still married or in the process of divorce is like pissing in the wind and having it blow back on ya..it inevitably turns into a rebound romance with a fleeting chance of any real long-term survivability..
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 16
Transitional Relationships
Posted: 5/28/2011 9:43:08 AM

I say he should have gotten himself a dog to learn to love again and left the heart of a lady alone until he was ready to love another person. He was selfish and you were naive to proceed.

Honestly? I don't think it's fair to a dog, either.

There is a time when divorcing, or getting over a long term relationship when one moves out where the other person misses the idea of someone being in their life, simply because it's what they're used to - and they need to adjust, but until they do it gets pretty intense. Soon they'll start to become familiar again with themselves, including who they want to be and what they want in life.

Unfortunately a lot of people get to this point and get lonely, and they don't want to go through the transition and get used to being in their own skin, so they look for someone to distract them from it. When they get to the stage where they need to learn who they are again ...that person they went looking for (or landed in their lap) is no longer needed.

You would think this would be fairly obvious to the person going through it, but it usually isn't (or they know but don't care in some cases).
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 17
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Transitional Relationships
Posted: 5/28/2011 11:41:13 AM
It seems to me, that this whole area of 'transitional relationships,' and rebounding and so forth is sort of related to the same problem I had getting my first job as a kid. Every employer was looking for someone with "experience," so there seemed to be no way for anyone new to GET that experience.
In the same way, no matter how long someone waits after a divorce or a breakup, no matter how much therapy they pay for, or bad poetry they write, they really wont have any idea at all how they are going to react to the next relationship. There almost HAS to be someone who takes the "transitional" role, and perhaps suffers for it.
You can, if you wish, make it a rule never to give someone who hasn't gotten their requisite 'transitional victim' out of the way yet, any chance at all with you, and you MIGHT have less pain in your life because of it. But from what I've seen of life, there are so many OTHER things that can make a relationship not work out, the amount that you will save yourself from, wont be worth the genuine learning about yourself that you will ALSO lose in the process.
That doesn't mean I believe in IGNORING that someone might be on the rebound, just that being paranoid about it isn't all that great a replacement rule either.
 MissyTrouble
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 19
Transitional Relationships
Posted: 5/29/2011 8:37:23 AM
There are just some people who cannot stand to be alone.. and "fall in love".. while falling OUT of love.

These men(or women) are not what we REALLY want in a relationship.. it will take more patience to weed them out....

the kicker is.. some aren't married.. and go from person.. to person.. to person. Always having someone in their life.

I suppose we have to keep our eyes open.. and try to be intelligent (instead of chemical and emotional) when picking a potential future relationship.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 20
Transitional Relationships
Posted: 6/2/2011 6:41:07 PM

Honestly? I don't think it's fair to a dog, either.



lol...I come from the pov that someone who gets a pet, will bond with it...and I think we humans tend to treat our pets better than we treat our fellow human beings...so getting a dog to focus that time and bonding with instead of a human you will likely discard when you have no use for them any longer seems like a good plan to me. Lots of homeless animals who've been abandoned need love...lol

I would never tell someone I thought would grow tired of the responsibility of a pet to get a pet....but if somone is seeking unconditional, never let ya down love a pet is the way to go. Humans cant give that to you 100% of the time like a well cared for pet does.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 21
Transitional Relationships
Posted: 6/2/2011 7:01:51 PM

Lots of homeless animals who've been abandoned need love...lol

A lot of them came from people who adopted them without realizing that it was a long term commitment, and things changed. IMO animals get discarded quicker than people in the lives of someone who no longer needs them, and at least when people get discarded as adults in transitional relationships, they have some control over where they end up and can take care of themselves. I don't think either is acceptable, of course.

I would never tell someone I thought would grow tired of the responsibility of a pet to get a pet....

I wouldn't either, I agree with you. While I would love to assume most people aren't this way, and have heard them claim they aren't - I've seen too much of the contrary - a lot of people tend to go with what works for them at the time and when that changes, they tend to go in another direction.

OT...there's always a flow of power that you either lose or gain in relationships. When one ends, you lose a lot - and to some extent the next thing you do is where you will try to get it back. For some it's from the next person if they come along soon enough, for some it's from within or from a purpose or distraction...the next person doesn't HAVE to be transitional, but timing has a lot to do with it.
 jasonsgt
Joined: 1/30/2011
Msg: 22
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Transitional Relationships
Posted: 6/12/2011 1:27:42 PM

Anyone had similar experiences?


It lasted about 10 months. She was in the process of coming out of a 4 year relationship(2 years of marriage) and found me to confide in. I never had any intention of being anything other than a friend, but it grew into more. We expressed our love for eachother, but now, I question even that...both on her part and mine. Her true colors started coming out in the last 3 months, and I could tell I was slipping away...so I took the initiative to end things.

Would I do it again? No. Am I sorry it happened? No. Its given me knowledge and experience...and those are two things I value.
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